Morphia Chapter One

Spoiler

Okay, so I started this new piece, and I realize it's awkward... : ) Enjoy and feel free to rip it apart. Also, is this too long for a chapter? or too short? Thanks!
Morphia Official Page- http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/page.php?id=719

Morphia
I backhanded cold sweat off my brow, staring intently at the fire spreading outside. Out the window it looked small, far past the vast open space, almost reaching the creek. But the grass was dry, and the fire was traveling fast. The flames licked at the clouds, sending plumes of smoke into the sky.

Questions rang threw my brain, I tried to find the answers; Who caused the fire? Why hadn't my mother and my brother came for me?

“ Let me go, freaks!” I heard my brother shout from outside. I heard stomping, getting louder and louder.

“ Shut up kid!” A deep, smooth voice hollered from down the hall. I heard a grunt and a shout from the man.

“ Mommy?” I tried, but more voices rang throughout the house. I gripped my dolly, “Mommy!” I ventured, shouting frantically.

The door flew open. I was expecting something frightening, instead it was my brother Blake. He was fifteen, he had long blonde hair and was quite tall for his age.

“ Rose open the window!” He spat, slamming and locking the door behind us. I was confused, things being thrown at me way to fast, “ Primrose, open the window!” He bellowed, then waving his hand letting me know that he had it.

He opened the window, picked me up and hoisting me out. My dolly fell out of my hands, into the room, “ Ann!” I shouted for her, extending my hand past Blake's shoulder.

He raced around the house, ignoring my dolly left behind. I choked out a sob and laid my head down on his shoulder. He held me tighter as he ran faster down the drive. He reached mom's car, opening the back door and almost throwing me in it.

I buckled my seat belt, my brother sat in the passenger seat in the front. He muttered nervously, pulling the car keys out of his pocket and slipping them in the key hole.

“ Mom's supposed to be out here,” he muttered under his breath, turning the key and starting the engine. I watched at flames exploded from the house, cries from inside, shaking the ground beneath our feet.

The roar of the engine made me jump, Blake jumped into the driver's seat and switched it into drive. I wiped tears from my eyes as Blake frantically slammed on the gas pedal.

Six Years Later...

“ Rose you okay? Rose! Wake up!”

I lifted my head to see Blake staring at me, his hair slicked back and ready for the elimination. I took his outstretched hand in mine and sat up.

“ Ready?” I asked, after I had dressed in my finest outfit; a knee length sleeveless dress, with black heels, and my hair done up in a bun with a piece curled in the front.

“ Cross them tight sister.” Blake said dryly, walking towards the door and slipping on his black loafers. He was referring to a phrase he always used to tell me, you may have guessed it meant to cross your fingers tight. He'd tell me that before every elimination.

Elimination is part of one big game. I'm part of one big game. Everybody here is like pawns on a game called Morphia and The Mortilia rules us. It's discussing, one word I'd use to explain it is cruel, or crap.

My brother patted my shoulder in attempted support, but nothing was ever cheerful on the elimination day.

Blake turned the handle, pulling open the wooden door of the dorm. The hallways were filled with people of all ages though mostly teens, no more smiles, all dressed gloomy as well as their faces. I saw Bette, my friend. She was wearing black dress slacks and a white button down blouse. Her slick black hair was wavy and pulled over her shoulder. She gulped and continued walking at my side.

I spotted my other friend, Ripley. His choppy black hair was cropped and spiked at the tips. He had on a black tee shirt and black stretchy skinny jeans. He patted my shoulder once lightly and pushed past us, I looked back to see him chatting under his breath with a few other guys.

I'd never really thought about it, what it would be like to be chosen. The Morphia games are insane and I never thought that the day would come, I'd wiped it out of my mind. When I was seven, my house was invaded by the Mortilia but we got away, though my brother hadn't got his drivers license yet and we were caught minutes later and taken prisoner to compete in the Morphia games, once you get their there's no getting back out.

There's tons of levels and each may take a year or two, depending on if you compete well and stay alive. The whole theme of the game is that each level is a town or location that is completely hidden and off the maps. They watch us turn against each other and watch us die. They give us food, clothing, shelter, and all the necessities but it was full of surprises. I was on level three, I'm thirteen years old going on fourteen in days. My name is Primrose Heller and I am a contestant in Morphia, and tomorrow, level four begins but two people's fight ends. Tonight. Oh, and there's one more thing you should know about everybody here. We're all special, we can change. Morph into a different animal whenever we want, but to us it's more like a curse.

Hey!

First off, this seems more like a prologue than a preface. A preface is a preliminary statement that sets up the writers intention, that sort of thing, whereas this is part of the story.

Anyway, as a prologue I like this. It really draws you in with the fast paced scene and the fire. That said, I do think there are some parts of this you could improve.

I backhanded cold sweat off my brow, staring intently at the fire.

As an opening line I think this could be improved. It doesn't really convey the drama and fierceness of a forest fire; it more suggests the character is sitting in front of a fireplace or something like that. I would suggest showing the danger of the fire straight away to grab the reader.

The door flew open, expecting something frightening, instead it was my brother Blake.

The way you've phrased this it sounds like it's the door that's expecting something frightening. It might be better if you write "the door flew open" as a short sentence on its own, and then put a new sentence about how the MC had been expecting something frightening.

He was fifteen, he had long blonde hair and was quite tall for his age.

Do we really need to know this right now? Sure, description of the characters is important but put at this moment it just slows the scene down and distracts from what's going on.

Questions rang threw my brain, I tried to find the answers.

I buckled my seat belt, my brother sat in the passenger seat in the front.

These are comma splices. You could put a semi-colon in instead of a comma, split them into two separate sentences or put 'and' in the middle instead. I think there were a few more in there as well, so you might want to go through and check.

Apart from these nitpicks I thought this was a pretty good opening and I hope you keep going with it, 'cause I'd like to read the next chapter.

Thanks!

One thing that I think is a little shifty, the way you set it up. It's just to cluttered. I know this is how you're supposed to set it up in a novel but let's face it, this is YWS and when everything is pushed together it looks like my porridge. Trust me, I was looking through my portfolio and woo wee was I bad! Back to the point, just go through and add spaces, it'll make it a lot easier to read.

I backhanded cold sweat off my brow, staring intently at the spreading fire spreading outside.

Repition! Tsk, tsk! Do not worry JD! Common problem, I do it all the time. My advice to you is get a dictionary look through it like crazy and you'll find the perfect word. I don't reccomend keeping it if you had intended this as it's just like water rushing over my head. But then, everything is like water running over my head!

Out the window, it looked small. Far past the vast open space, almost reaching the creek.

What is it? I do not really understand this line and cannot really organize it properly without having the full meaning. Firstly, for some reason it sounds like two seperate sentences. I say that you read this aloud and make sure you see/ hear where the break starts and pounce. Did I make any sense? Probably not, I tend to babble.

Questions rang threw through my brain, I tried to find the answers; Who caused the fire? Why hadn't my mother and my brother came for me?

Used the wrong word. You're same like me! Sounds the same, who cares, they have to have the same meaning. Unfortunately, no. The word you used actaully mean throwing a ball in past tense, the one you're looking for is through. Going through everything. XD

I buckled my seat belt, my brother sat in the passenger seat in the front.

More repition. Just get rid of the first seat. It sounds fine without it.

I wiped tears from my eyes as Blake frantically slammed on the gas pedal. We sped down the gravel driveway.

Just get rid of the last part. It totally kills the drama you're dishing out. Sorry, I didn't mean it like that it just places a damper on the already awesome affect you're spinning.

Another thing that I'd think you could do without is excessive explaining of characters appearance. Sure you see it most books but for some reason in this one it doesn't really work. I find that I cannot explain fully what the character wears from head to toe because I explain it way to much and pull the readers away from the point of action. I find that you also do this. Add little snippy bits, like her white blouse flattered her slicked black hair or his spiky hair made him appear more brutual then he really was.

Just these little things add a lot of picture into the readers mind and even though they don't get the exact picture, they still won't if you dump a whole heap of words on them.

Morph into a different animal whenever we want, but to us it's more like a curse.

Forgot the fullstop! Tsk, tsk.

Great ending by the way, very good.

I suggest going through these and adding length. There was quite a lot more that you could've added to the prologue and maybe a little bit more the first chapter. I'll let you figure that out as I am almost falling asleap on my desk, but it only had to be minor. Once you start re-layering, you won't be able to find a stop! Oh but I can suggest something!

- Characters. The brother is a mystery to me, tell me a little about him in the first chapter. Make something up, like how much he hated the Morphilians' for stealing him from his home. Just do something that'll make his character a 'lil more badass. This also goes for the MC and the other two. They're all a little bit of mystery - the two friends for sure. Another thing you could is add a tiny fraction of history to them.

-Settings. Prologue needs this, period. I want to know more, make the place they used to stay in memorable that when you read it it feels like home.

There are other things you can pick up on but this is all I got so far, good luck! This is pretty old and the only reason I revived it is because I think it is a brilliant and has greta potential! Please keep going! Send me a PM and I'll review every chapter you place up no matter what the length.

Seriously! Some people's works on YWS are so good and when I manage to get estatic about the first chapter and saying how much I want to read on, the author stops writing it! This had better not happen to this! *Shakes fist*

~Apple.

Thanks a bunches! I'll definatly work on editing, I actually finished the next chapter but haven't got a chance to post it... Anyway, thanks again!

- Jessica

Apple wrote:- Characters. The brother is a mystery to me, tell me a little about him in the first chapter. Make something up, like how much he hated the Morphilians' for stealing him from his home. Just do something that'll make his character a 'lil more badass. This also goes for the MC and the other two. They're all a little bit of mystery - the two friends for sure. Another thing you could is add a tiny fraction of history to them.

I agree completly with Apple, the characters are mysteries expecially her brother. We don't know much about his personality so tell us that.

Happy writing!

- Caroline!

Chapter Two- I just posted it! : D

Hello!

But the grass was dry, and fire can travel fast.

No duh. I feel like I'm being told here. Perhaps rephrase this to something along the lines of: "the dry grass allowed fire to travel fast".

“ Rose you okay? Rose! Wake up!”

I lifted my head to see Blake staring at me, his hair slicked back and ready for the elimination. I took his outstretched hand in mine and sat up.

“ Ready?” I asked, after I had dressed in my finest outfit; a knee length sleeveless dress, with black heels, and my hair done up in a bun with a piece curled in the front.

Wait, what just happened here?

Elimination is part of one big game. I'm part of one big game. Everybody here is like pawns on a game called Morphia and The Mortilia rules us. It's discussing, one word I'd use to explain it is cruel, or crap.

Huh? I thought this was a little girl. How old is she? One minute she seems five the next ten or older. The usage of the word "crap" here makes the reader confused.
Another thing here, I immediately thought of the hunger games. Sure sounds like them.

When I was seven, my house was invaded by the Mortilia but we got away, though my brother hadn't got his drivers license yet and we were caught minutes later and taken prisoner to compete in the Morphia games, once you get their there's no getting back out.

Oh so she is older now. I think you should let us know in the divided part. Something like "ten years later" would help.

Well, you can't say I didn't tear this apart, can you? Hopefully the critique was helpful, not harsh. I really like this idea, it's like the Hunger Games with a twist.

Can't wait to read more!
~Crazy