Ramblings II

The second Ramblings poem, having nothing of course to do with the first, called the same thing through a complete lack of imagination Thoughts?

The storm heats up.
Pink petals are raining from the sky
And all I see is snow
Drifting downward,
Smiling in the noiseless air.

Pages scattered in the warm breeze.
I forgot to set a rock atop the stack,
And now they're fluttering like angry leaves,
Desperate in their quest for freedom.

Nothing's changed this season,
But I see my years flash like lightning,
When I stare at the sky,
Black and buckling.

Turn my back to the window,
Glance round corners with a mirror.
The sky's too conflicted
To look at directly.

That stack of paper has my name on each page,
Written in hundreds of different handwritings,
Over and over,
Just meaningless patterns of loops and swirls.

And as I watch,
The pages float silently away,
Into the black night,
Twisting and undulating,
And falling like snow in the noiseless air.

Hi there,
so-

This was a beautiful poem... the imagery is gorgeous. However, I couldn't find a meaning behind it. I don't know if it's just me or not. I'm really bad at that. :/
Anywho. Great imagery- the flow was tranquil, and fit the tone quite well. Maybe you could have a title like "Pages" or "Snowing Pages" or something. I don't know. I'm really bad with titles.
The emotions running through this were really interesting- they seemed almost peaceful, but have an undercurrent of turmoil that somehow doesn't disrupt them. Really interesting piece.

Great write.

-Coral-

Hey Margaret!

One thing that I think you can work on in this poem is the overall intensity. It's a very quiet poem... maybe a bit too quiet! Every stanza presents an image, but there is no real depth to the image. It always begins and ends always too quickly. I mean, eventually it all fits together (a plus!) at the ending, but it flits around too much.

Plus, it doesn't really address all the contradictions. Maybe this is me being crazy, but you have pink petals (spring) and snow (winter)... you have a warm breeze (summer) and angry fluttering leaves, presumably autumn leaves that are crunching around. You have the imagery of lightning (summer, monsoon season). To me, it's like suddenly you have every season going on at once at this time. And that is a huge force of nature. Which makes the quietness of the poem strange... why have so much lush, combative imagery and treat it with such delicacy?

I think a more cohesive poem would be better, if only because the seasons clashing together would seem to have much more impact and be less of a gimmick and more of a driving force that propels the poem forward to the ending, where names turn to pages and pages fall like snow.

Hey there!

My first impression of this poem was that the rhythm was comfortable but the feel you portrayed was a bit mixed. Such as in your first stanza you describe this:

The storm heats up.
Pink petals are raining from the sky
And all I see is snow
Drifting downward,
Smiling in the noiseless air.

"And all I see is snow", then how can the reader imagine this along with "Pink petals raining from the sky"? Sure, it could work, but I think it needs some revision because it makes the image your creating a bit jumpy and blurred. Unless of course that was the impression you were trying to give off? A blurry vision as if fogged by falling snow? In which case I think you should make it a bit clearer.

I really liked these lines

Pages scattered in the warm breeze.
I forgot to set a rock atop the stack,

because they seemed down to earth and something very easy to familiarise with, but something that also I interpret as graceful annoyance, and I like that feeling!

Generally the fluency and pace of the poem works well to make it seem like a near-mindless ramble, which I quite enjoy. Though your ending is quite beautiful and wonderous, I feel myself going... wasn't it a little definitive? The feeling of something being lost in the air kind of makes me feel like it's the end. Although that has impact too, what I was expecting was to be left to trail off into my own ramblings at the same glorious pace and fluency that you create here. This might just be me, though, your writing is clearly very good!

I hope you keep writing and I hope this helps too.
¬Ben