Capital Vices - Chapter 1

Lorelai was running.

Running as hard as her little feet would take her. Ducking through alleyways, her pace quickened as she felt the more comforting feel of hard dirt beneath the thin fabric barely protecting her soles. With a small leap, she managed to clear a crude wooden fence and dodged a dozen light brown chickens squawking in surprise. A time-wearied farmer raised his fist in anger at her haste, but Lorelai merely gave him the tiniest of cursties as she continued to run through his farm. Completely out of breath, Lorelai skidded to a stop just as she reached the gates to the castle. Bent double on her knees, she looked up to see Tommy, the young guard waving to her from a few metres away. Panting, she jogged towards him.
With an eager hand, he lifted his steel visor up and his bright blue eyes greeted Lorelai’s deep green ones. Forgetting his composure,Tommy threw Lorelai a broad smile brimming with glee. Lorelai, even in her 17th winter, knew that look.
“Good morning Miss Lorelai,” he said, clearing his throat awkwardly.
“Morning, sir Tommy,” Lorelai replied, giving him a low curstie, a coy smile playing at her lips. Tommy gulped.
“I ‘spose you’re on yer way to the kitchens, then?” he asked, his voice changing to a higher pitch.
“Indeed I am,” Lorelai said, pleased with his discomfort. “Albeit late, once again.”
Tommy nodded, his smile faultering. He moved as if to stroke her shoulder but Lorelai mumbled a hasty goodbye and rushed past him towards Arilyhn Castle.

Lorelai sucked in her breath. Arilyhn Castle always made her feel as small as a flea, and as unimportant as one too.
The sandstone castle stood a formidable and beautiful sight. Built on a hill, to achieve the best vantage position, Arilyhn Castle was large, and no expense was spared to create a beautiful place.
Four cylindrical guard towers atopped with silver blue spires carefully guarded the large castle and its King. To the left were the servant’s quarters; nearly 30 small windows lined with dark timber and stained glass marked each small room. To the right were the guard’s quarters and the armoury – close to the entrance if the call of war approached. Lifting up the dirtied hem of her flimsy dress, Lorelai tiptoed around giant marble statues of the King, with paved paths leading to the entrance to and around the castle. Taking a left turn, she dipped her finger through the cool water of a fountain and hurried to the other side of the castle. Guards patroled each corner but took no notice of the small peasant girl who scooted past them with her head low. The gardners who were tending to the rosebeds just in front of the back entrance of the kitchen nodded and waved to her and she waved politely back. Turning towards the heavy, mahogany double doors she lifted her arm to push it open.

She paused.
Heaving a sigh of dismay, she grimaced as she heard the loud braying voice of the cook, once again in a bad mood. Tentatively, she pushed the wooden door open and ducked just in time as a pot whizzed past her head.
“Lor? Is that you?” cried a tall burly man, who turned towards the noise. “Get in here now!”
“Good morning, Machor!” Lorelai said brightly, a timid, apologetic smile alighting her face. The cook waved a wooden spoon at her, his anger brimming to near boiling point.
“I'll teach yer to be so jolly in the morning, lass!” he cried. “Get in here now Lorelai Govers before I feed yer to the guard dogs!”
“Machor, you know as well as I do that you will never do that to me,” Lorelai laughed. “Now what have I missed?”
“Yer late again! Third time this week! Machor spat bitterly.
And ye dare to give me cheek, lass?”
“Yes but it wasn’t –”
“I’ve heard ‘nough!”
“But it was-”
“’Nough!”
“I’m sorry,” she said, biting her lip. Tears pooled in her deep green eyes and Machor hesitated.
“Naw, don’t do this to me, lass,” He said softly. “Hurry up an’ get started with the breads, we’re late enough for the banquet as it is, child.”
“Yes, sir,” Lorelai said quietly.
Machor watched her move around the bench and start to knead the huge mass of dough between her delicate fingers. His eyes wandered over her lithe body and rested on her face; noticing the round bottle green eyes and soft auburn hair that melted his temper like butter in a hotplate. There was no denying she was a beautiful girl; but her circumstances had taken their toll on her body. Huge purple brown bags hung underneath her saucerlike eyes and coupled with the usual inconsistency of decent feeding gave her a gaunt, haggered appearance. Her modest clothing did nothing to flaunt her slim shape, but merely gave the impression of a small bust and womanly curves. As he watched, Lorelai let slipped out a quiet yawn and Machor’s heart softened. He chastised himself for being smart with her earlier. He knew, as did half the village, of her family’s hardships.
“Is it yer brother again, lass?” he asked her, in a gentle tone. Lorelai nodded.
“I’m afraid he’s getting worse,” Lor said. “He wouldn’t eat this morning. Mother has no patience with him. Father spends all his time at the tavern. It won’t be long now until…”
Her voice trailed off into silence. Machor threw her an apologetic smile. “Mikael’s a strong kid, Lor. He’ll pull through if yer believe hard enough.”
Lorelai nodded, tears welling at her big green eyes. Machor shifted uncomfortably.
“Right,” he said. “That’s enough talk o’ death fer today. After yer done with the breads, yer can start choppin’ the vegetables for the broth.”
Lorelai nodded enthusiastically, the sparkle returning to her eyes. Finally, a distraction.

Hey Welcome to YWS!

I like this a lot. As a novel beginning it's interesting and well written and definitely makes me want to read more.

Running as hard as her little feet would take her. Ducking through alleyways, her pace quickened as she felt the more comforting feel of hard dirt beneath the thin fabric barely protecting her soles. With a small leap, she managed to clear a crude wooden fence and dodged a dozen light brown chickens squawking in surprise. A time-wearied farmer raised his fist in anger at her haste, but Lorelai merely gave him the tiniest of cursties as she continued to run through his farm.

I think it's a case of too many adjectives in the first part of this paragraph. I'm not saying you should get rid of all of them, but I don't think you need this many. It clogs it up a bit.

curstie

It's curtsie, I think.

“Indeed I am,” Lorelai said, pleased with his discomfort. “Albeit late, once again.”

Lorelai! That automatically makes me think of Gilmore Girls. It's a nice name though. Lorelai seems to speak strangely formally for a peasant girl, especially compared to Tommy and Machor.

round bottle green eyes

I think this is the second time you've described the colour of her eyes and it's pretty unnecessary after the first time.

Lorelai nodded, tears welling at her big green eyes.

Green again. XD Also, you described "tears welling" just a few sentences ago when the cook was shouting at her, so it gets a bit repetitive. She seems to cry an awful lot, this girl. Not that that's a bad thing but doesn't completely fit with the spunkyness she was showing earlier to me.

But apart from these small things this is great. All of the characters are interesting and have real personalities and overall it was an entertaining read. I hope you post more of this soon.

Hey Thanks for reviewing!

Glad you like it! I enjoyed writing it, so far.

You;re right, I did clog it up a bit with the adjectives - I'll take some out and re work it.

And I love Gilmore Girls! Also, Lor's well spoken because of who she talks to in the castle. You find out more about that later. Also, It's more fun when you read Machor's parts and imagine his voice as Gerard Butler circa 300.

You're right, again. I do mention her eyes too much. Thanks for pointing it out

And I will hopefully post more of it, make sure you come back to read the rest

Hey, here to review whilst eating the rest of the red wine jelly that was in the fridge:

dexterra wrote:A time-wearied farmer raised his fist in anger at her haste the disturbance, but Lorelai merely gave him the tiniest of cursties as she continued to run through his farm.

I'd like to see you preform a curtsy whilst running. Perhaps a hasty nod or something of the like would be more realistic.

Bent double on her knees, she looked up to see Tommy, the young guard waving to her from a few metres away.

I don't think you meant that first part, maybe, "doubled over, her knees bent,", not kneeling on the ground on her knees

“Morning, sir Tommy,” Lorelai replied, giving him a low curstie curtsey, a coy smile playing at her lips.

Tommy nodded, his smile faultering faltering.

To the left were the servant’s quarters; nearly 30 small windows lined with dark timber and stained glass marked each small room.

Generally when writing a novel etc, numbers under one hundred are spelt out, ie, thirty as opposed to 30.

To the right were the guard’s quarters and the armoury – close to the entrance if the call of war approached.
New Paragraph
Lifting up the dirtied hem of her flimsy dress, Lorelai tiptoed around giant marble statues of the King, with paved paths leading to the entrance to and around the castle.

Generally you should start a new paragraph on a new idea/new line of speech. You started the paragraph describing without mentioning Lor, and then when you did, the paragraph was long enough as it was to allow for a new paragraph break.

Guards patroled patrolled each corner but took no notice of the small peasant girl who scooted past them with her head low. The gardners gardeners who were tending to the rosebeds rose beds just in front of the back entrance of the kitchen nodded and waved to her and she waved politely back.

Make sure you run your story through a spell check before submission

“I'll teach yer to be so jolly in the morning, lass!” he cried. “Get in here now Lorelai Govers before I feed yer to the guard dogs!”

Why would there be guard dogs in the kitchen? An entirely more humorous threat would be to "feed her to the spit dogs". In the medieval ages, small dogs were trained to turn the spits of large animals cooking over a fire for an even cook through. So similar to the way a guinea pig/hamster would exercise in a wheel. The idea of two or three spit dogs, as tiny as chiuauas trying to devour Lor's body is amusing.

“Naw, don’t do this to me, lass,” He said softly. “Hurry up an’ get started with the breads, we’re late enough for the banquet as it is, child.”

I'm not quite sure how early in the morning it is, as you never said, but generally the breads would be baked early in the morning, around 3am or so, so that they were freshly made for the King's breakfast. If it is a big kitchen, and if it's a big castle, the head chef would know better than to rely on one scully lass to make up the difference on being on time or not.

Machor watched her move around the bench and start to knead the huge mass of dough between her delicate fingers.

Her fingers would be anything other than delicate

Huge purple brown bags hung underneath her saucer-like eyes and coupled with the usual inconsistency of decent feeding gave her a gaunt, haggered haggard appearance.

As he watched, Lorelai let slipped out a quiet yawn and Machor’s heart softened. He chastised himself for being smart with her earlier.

“Right,” he said. “That’s enough talk o’ death fer today. After yer done with the breads, yer can start choppin’ the vegetables for the broth.”

Are there no other people working in the kitchen?

So.

First I have to tell you that all the jelly is now gone.

Second, you've got a good start for a story here. It'll be interesting to see where you take this and how you're going to keep up with the descriptive writing

Keep writing

- Jai