With love, Sunshine

** Hey Guys, this is a short story that will only take you 5-10 minutes to read (depending on your speed). It was one of my works that I've done last year for my English thingy..so yes. It is sad. At least, that's what I've been told. But anyway, enjoy


WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE ------------------------------


18th November 2000
Dear Diary,
It’s been three years since Dad left home.
He was one of the most important people to me.
The day he was supposed to come home, Mum made a big feast. She invited everyone but Dad never came. Soon, everyone left. The look on their faces told me what I feared would happen; but I refused to believe what could have been a reality.
Mum waits and waits.
But I don’t think he will be coming home any time soon.

WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE


1st February 2001
Dear Diary,
Every time I come home from school and gaze into Mum’s eyes, I can see she’s been crying all day. Sometimes, she notices that I’m looking, and tries to divert my attention to something else. She chats about school sometimes – but not often.
I told her to go check in the Military Office.
She wouldn’t.
I knew as well as she did that there was a possibility they would confirm that Dad was alive; or dead.

WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE


18th June 2001
Dear Diary,
Here I am again. Recently I’ve noticed that Mum is unwell. She’s stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. She won’t even go to the doctor. She never comes out of the house unless she really needs to.
I try to drag her out of the house; get some sunshine.
She says she has all the sunshine she needs – me. My gut tells me to bring her to the doctor.
Maybe Mum is sicker than I think.
If she doesn’t get better in a few days, I’ll bring her to the doctor.

WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE


21st June 2001
Dear Diary,
Mum’s worse.
She won’t even get out of bed.
I think I’ll lose Mum too.
I want to get help; call the doctor, but I’m frightened.
Thinking that while I’m away, she’ll be long gone.
I stayed with her all day. I listened to piercing loud music to keep me awake.
I don’t want Mum to go yet. Not today, not tomorrow and not ever; at least not yet.
She’s the only person I have left.

WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE


24th June 2001
Dear Diary,
It’s been three days.
Mum’s gravely sick and I’m sleep deprived. I’m close to tears. I never imagined that life for her would be so short. She was going to leave me; just like Dad left us. I know that Mum won’t be in this world much longer. She’s bound to leave me soon.
When she clasps her hand around mine, she gives me strength and courage – like everything will be back to normal.
When she goes, I will be ready…I hope.

WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE


11th July 2001
Dear Diary,
It feels as if the fire inside me was trampled on.
I want to believe she’s still breathing when I wake up. But I know she won’t be.
With Mum and Dad gone, it’s hard to find a reason to be happy.
Mum was always smiling, always so happy and blissful.
It never occurred to me that someone as determined and carefree as Mum would die so soon. I remember vividly the times when we would squirt milk out of our noses or have water fights. Those were the good old days.
They are people I would never forget, but I have to move on; I can’t keep looking back. It’s painful, but maybe if I look at the brighter memories, I’ll make it through. In my heart, I feel that the happiness I’ve been searching for, found me.
Deep inside I still hear their voices; if I listen hard enough.
Without Dad, it used to be me and Mum against the world.
Now it’s just me.

WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE




** is it any good?? LOL.
**Thanks for all the comments. I appreciate it. (And lol, yes it is a bit 'safe' as you say. I did it for my English short story thing!)

Thanks for reading!
xx Geneve Estrada

Hey I am gonna review you for today xD

18th November 2000

Dear Diary,

It’s been three years since Dad left home. Nice short opener! I like it

He was one of the most important people to me.

The day he was supposed to come home, Mum made a big feast. She invited everyone. But Dad never came. Soon, everyone left. The look on their faces told me what I feared would happen; but I refused to believe what could have been a reality. This paragraph is good, but I think the use of 4 short sentences in one go is a bit too much, mix it up a bit so it doesn't sound as broken =)

Mum waits and waits.

But I don’t think he will be coming home any time soon.

WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE



1st February 2001

Dear Diary,

Every time I come home from school and gaze into Mum’s eyes, I can see she’s been crying all day. Sometimes, she notices that I’m looking, and tries to divert my attention to something else. She chats about school sometimes – but not often.

I told her to go check in the Military Office.

She wouldn’t.

I knew as well as she did that there was a possibility they would confirm that Dad was alive; or dead.

WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE



18th June 2001

Dear Diary,

Here I am again. Recently I’ve noticed that Mum is unwell. She’s stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. I like this repetition!She won’t even go to the doctor. She never comes out of the house unless she really needs to.

I try to drag her out of the house; get some sunshine.

She says she has all the sunshine she needs – me. I like this phrase about being sunshine xDMy gut tells me to bring her to the doctor.

Maybe Mum is sicker than I think.

If she doesn’t get better in a few days, I’ll bring her to the doctor.

WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE



21st June 2001

Dear Diary,

Mum’s worse.

She won’t even get out of bed.

I think I’ll lose Mum too.

I want to get help; call the doctor, but I’m frightened.

Thinking that while I’m away, she’ll be long gone.

I stayed with her all day. I listened to piercing loud music to keep me awake.

I don’t want Mum to go yet. Not today, not tomorrow and not ever; at least not yet.

She’s the only person I have left.

WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE



24th June 2001

Dear Diary,

It’s been three days.

Mum’s gravely sick and I’m sleep deprived. I’m close to tears. I never imagined that life for her would be so short. She was going to leave me; just like Dad left us. I know that Mum won’t be in this world much longer. She’s bound to leave me soon.

When she clasps her hand around mine, she gives me strength and courage – like everything will be back to normal.

When she goes, I will be ready…I hope.

WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE



11th July 2001

Dear Diary,

It feels as if the fire inside me was trampled on.

I want to believe she’s still breathing when I wake up. But I know she won’t be.

With Mum and Dad gone, it’s hard to find a reason to be happy.

Mum was always smiling, always so happy and blissful.

It never occurred to me that someone as determined and carefree as Mum would die so soon. I remember vividly the times when we would squirt milk out of our noses or have water fights. Those were the good old days.

They are people I would never forget, but I have to move on; I can’t keep looking back. It’s painful, but maybe if I look at the brighter memories, I’ll make it through. In my heart, I feel that the happiness I’ve been searching for, found me.

Deep inside I still hear their voices; if I listen hard enough.

Without Dad, it used to be me and Mum against the world.

Now it’s just me.

WITH LOVE, SUNSHINE

I think this is really good, it made me cry and I am not much of a cryer to be honest, the only problem I have with this is probably that you just need to mix up the use of short and long sentences but other than that it is really good =)
keep writing

Hey Geneve ^^

This story...well, series of diary entries is short and sweet, and hold up quite well on their own. I like the flow you have created, and the content is decent. Short stories about death are quite common, but it's nice to see one done so nicely.

Mum made a big feast. She invited everyone. But Dad never came. Soon, everyone left.

I agree with gillian, this is a little *too* choppy. You could fix it quite easily.

Mum made a big feast. She invited everyone, but Dad never came. Soon everyone left.

Combining two of the shorter sentences brings a little variety, and to be honest, you had almost done it by starting the third short sentence with a conjunction anyway. Just keep an eye on the little things, what I suggest is reading everything you write out loud, or even just muttering it under your breath. Where you pause, you put a comma. Where you stop, you put a fullstop. It's a simple technique but it seems to work for me okay.

The rest of them seem pretty good. The only thing that I would say is this is quite a 'safe' story- perfectly fine for getting good grades in english! But it's a topic that's been done over and over again, and in a lot of different ways. Unless you can bring something new to the table, then it won't stand out against the rest. That said, this is well written, and it's obvious you have potential. I would love to see some of your other work, in a different area.

PM me if you have any questions or comments!

-Nutty