Little Imperfections

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You have a little birthmark on your neck. It's shaped like a dime, little ridges and all, and it's splotchy and dark against your skin. It's the first thing I notice.

Your hair is a dark chocolate brown and is all fluffy on your head. I pat it down, instantly pulling my hand away like you've burned me. In your small little suit, you look adorable, as usual.

"Damn," a boy behind me whispers, backing up as he sees you. It's Daniel from school. He's older than you and I. He looks away, averting his eyes from your presence.

"Honey," Father says, coming up behind me. I can't take my eyes off of you. Father puts his hand on my shoulder and tries to pull me away, but you're right there. And I can't help myself, but I stare. Your skin is creamy white. Nothing like the lovely tan it used to be.

Your little birthmark will never wiggle on your neck when you eat anymore. Your hair is your own canvas now. Mother won't tell you to comb it or wash it. Your perfectly tanned skin is pale now. You look so small, smaller than any nine year old should be.

As they lead us outside, I find myself looking at a slab of stone.
Tomas Averies
June 2001 to May 2010
A beloved brother, son, and friend. You are our angel

It's yours, Tomas. And I can't help myself, but I want to cry. You're too young, Tomas. Too young to be in a box that will be buried like a treasure chest in the earth. Trust me, Tom, you're the best treasure anyone could have.

Just last week I remember you dimply smile as you ate Captain Crunch, feeling so alive. And now you're not. If only that boy hadn't wielded his father's gun four days ago. If only he hadn't pointed at you and pulled the trigger, letting out all his anger, randomly, they said, at you. You're the only one he hurt, the only one he murdered.

I love you Tomas. I'll love you forever, because you're my brother forever. Even though you'll never spray Silly String in my hair or eat my Oreos or drink my Vitamin Water again, you'll be with me forever. My brother. Tomas. Gone, but not forgotten. Never.

Oh. My. Gosh. This piece almost had me in tears! I could feel my heart tightening!
Is this true? If so i'm extremely sorry about your loss.

One thing that i would think about changing.

Your skin is creamy white. Nothing like the lovely tan it used to be.
Your little birthmark will never wiggle on your neck when you eat anymore. Your hair is your own canvas now. Mother won't tell you to comb it or wash it. #FF0000 ">Your perfectly tanned skin is pale now.

I would take out the part in red because you have already mentioned his skin just a sentence before.
That's all i really have to say.
I really, really liked this. It was so powerful and well written.

Born presses 'like'

This is very moving, and I hope for your sake it isn't true.
The subject of the piece is very emotional, but the narrator is not. It creats a shocked, eeriee kind of feel. If this is what you are aiming for, then well done, you have done it very well. If, however, you would like to introduce some more emotion into it, then describe the narrator's feelings as she remembers the scenes, a tightening of the throat, a clench of the jaw as tears are forced back, that kind of thing. But that's entirely up to you- it depends on teh feel you are aiming for with this piece.

You have a little birthmark on your neck. It's shaped like a dime, little ridges and all, and it's splotchy and dark against your skin. It's the first thing I notice.

An interesting first sentence,which is good. You start with a neutral statement, which sets us up for a shock when we realise what the subject is.

Your hair is a dark chocolate brown and is all fluffy on your head. I pat it down, instantly pulling my hand away like you've burned me. In your small little suit, you look adorable, as usual.

This is a good image- I would say nice, but the subject really isn't nice at all, is it? The only thing that I don't particularly like is the 'pulling my hand away like you've burned me" it's a common phrase and has little weight in it.

Your perfectly tanned skin is pale now.

I would remove this, you've already made this image. Repeating it just takes impact away from the first image, that was quite good.

Just last week I remember you dimply smile as you ate Captain Crunch, feeling so alive.

The 'feeling so alive' is an attempt at creating some contrast, but I don't think that eating captain crunch would make anyone feel particularly alive. Maybe describe a scene with some animation- so if he was playing outside, or particularly excited about something, and then describing the life and energy in his face and motions. Just a thought.

Gone, but not forgotten. Never.

It's one of those lines that almost has to be said at funerals, isn't it? Anyway, I am not sure if it's the most impacting line to leave out on, just because it is so common. The rest of your ending is great.

Overall, you have quite a touching peice, and I really hope it isn't true. The idea of children getting hurt always makes me squirmy, and I couldn't wish this kind of thing on anyone. I enjoyed this, however, and I actually quite like the shocked tone you have portrayed. I would love to see more of your work.

If you have any questions or comments, don't hesitate to PM me.

Hey

A funeral is quite an overused topic for a short story, but you made it different and genuinely touching. I liked the way you focused on the personal details of the body, and didn't immediately give away that it was in fact that.

As they lead us outside, I find myself looking at a slab of stone.
Tomas Averies
June 2001 to May 2010
A beloved brother, son, and friend. You are our angel

Finishing with, or including them seeing the tombstone is kind of cliche though. Also, if the body is still there for people to view then it hasn't been lowered into the grave, so how can the gravestone already be over the grave? Unless it's there waiting to be used, but if so then you might want to make that clear.

I remember you dimply smile

"You dimply smile" doesn't really make sense. I'm pretty sure 'dimply' isn't an adjective. You could say, "your dimpled smile" or "you giving a dimpled smile" or something like that instead.

Overall I like this a lot. Keep writing!