Crunch prologue

lol I've been done for SO LONG!!!!! hehe, well I hope everyone enjoys my newest story I am working on A good old Horror Story



ch1- http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=75536

Prologue


Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.

The sound resonated over and over again; an eerie sound repeating like a broken record. Staring ahead, I watched what the light of my flashlight had revealed through the darkness with a horrified amazement. My heart pounded a strong escalated beat against my chest, and my breath had been stolen.
She stared back at me, watching me with a curious awe. The darkness was squirming and slithering behind her. Only the weak light of my flashlight was trembling against the darkened scenery of the night as it illuminated the creature; however, the details of her face remained blurred, hidden by the blackness. I could only make out her feminine figure, and her snow-white skin, which contrasted greatly against the mass of shadows behind her.

Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.

She walked towards me, taking long distorted strides. She stretched her left leg forward, her foot snapping right. Stumbling, she hunched over, then brought one arm forward using it to guide herself to me.
I stared, my eyes baggy and drowsy. The darkness sweeps against my vision, trying to blanket itself around me, to engulf me completely. The light of my flashlight slowly fades.

Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.

She’s closer now; I can hear her exaggerated steps as she walks through the brush. The light of my flashlight is focused on her upper body, I can see her more clearly now. She pauses for a moment, and I take in every detail of her face. I notice first her crimson red lips, they are plump and pouty: shinning against the light. The red intensely defines itself against her pale white complexion. Her face bore a soft roman nose, and a long smooth chin; while, long bunches of dirty blond hair covered areas of her face, her eyes covered.

Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.

The darkness collapsed against the beam of light, flooding into it. The light gone.

Crunch.
Crunch.
Crunch.

I gripped the flashlight for dear life, feeling the cold metal dig into my skin.

Crunch.
Crunch.
SNAP!

My eyes fly wide open, trying to see what was in front of me. Hearing my own distressed breathing, I waited for her to move once more. Suddenly, the clouds parted for a small moment, and a low tremor of light glowed from the moon revealing the forest scenery around me. I was alone.
I stared forward, searching for her silhouette, but she was gone. My heart only pounded harder, it erupted up my throat. I hear a small breath behind me, right up against my ear. “Eddy.”

Hello,

YAY! a horror story, my favourite and you delivered it well. I thought your ending was terrific I have to say so well done for that alone As I was reading it I thought that the repetition of the word crunch was pointless until you put snap in. I found the amount of times crunch was repeated sort of annoying more than anything, just my opinion. Your pace was very fast which worked as it heightened the emotion. I thought you description of the woman was excellent. Overall a bloody good piece of horror. Well done.

~Retro Disco666

P.S. I have noticed that this is a prolouge , I think it would work better as a short story.

well the story is going to be short (just a few chapters) it's about a disfunctional family. The father decides that they need a vacation, and get away from the husle and busle of the city; however, things happen that he doesn't expect

Hey Maki-Chan, I'd like to try and review your story.

First, I'd like to say it was a brilliant, well written piece of art. Your description of the scene was vivid and enthralling. Unlike Mr. Disco, I liked the repetitive "CRUNCH". I felt that it, along with the first person story telling, gave the impression of the character's shaky, fearful feeling. I agree that it would be better as a short story, but I do want to know more about the creature. I hope to see a new chapter, soon.

Thanks,

Jade Memories

This is very good. It drew me in right away; that is so important for a prologue.

Before I start my review I want to tell you I love you. Why? Because of your beautiful sentence structure; you have used short, medium, and long ones. Finding someone who does that is really rare and I think it is one of the best qualities a writer can have. Readers become tired of the same thing be it short or long.

Because no one else has given you a nitpicky review I will.

She walked towards me, taking long distorted steps. She stretched out her left leg forward, her foot snapping right. Taking a step, she hunched over, then brought one arm forward using it to guide herself to me.
I stared, my eyes baggy and drowsy. The darkness swept against my vision, trying to blanket its self around me, to engulf me completely. The light of my flashlight slowly fades.

First bold: Though I love your detail (it adds a lot to your style) saying 'stretched out' is really overkill. It really should be taken out; it doesn't even sound right with the rest of the sentence.

Second bold: Taking a step also seems unneeded because you just described her step in great detail.

Third bold: I just added a comma that was needed.

Fourth bold: should be 'sweeps' if you want to stay in present tense.

Last bold: should be one word.

She’s closer now; I can hear her exaggerated steps as she walks through the brush.

You have already said 'steps' about a bazillion times now. Please use a few different words, like 'footfalls' or something. It will add a bit of variety and not leave the readers annoyed.

The light of my flashlight is focused on her upper body, I can see her more clearly now. She pauses for a moment, and I take in every detail of her face. I notice first her crimson red lips, they are plump and pouty: shinning against the light. The red intensely defines itself against her pale white complexion. Her face bore a soft roman nose, and a long smooth chin; while, long bunches of dirty blond hair covered areas of her face, her eyes covered.

You suddenly switch tenses here. You go from present to past. You keep this up (pretty much, though you go back and forth a few times) until the end. I would go through the whole thing and make sure it is all one tense. Then do it at least two more times just to make sure.

I gripped it for dear life, feeling the cold metal dig into my skin.

You gripped what? The flashlight?

Crunch.
Crunch.
SNAP!

My eyes fly wide open, trying to see what was in front of me. Hearing my own distressed breathing, I waited for her to move once more. Suddenly, the clouds parted for a small moment, and a low tremor of light glowed from the moon revealing the forest scenery around me. I was alone.
I stared forward, searching for her silhouette, but she was gone. My heart only pounded harder, it erupted up my throat. I hear a small breath behind me, right up against my ear. “Eddy.”[/quote]

If you have any questions feel free to P.M. me.

I hoped I helped,

A. S.

P.S. It is a great start. I look forward to reading more!
P.P.S. Sorry that I reviewed this when you put it up so long ago, but you gave a link in your first chapter...

Thanks Calligraphy I am glad you like it! >3< I am glad that you did a nit-picking review. I needed on of those. I always make oopsy mistakes, or I keep on using the same words lol


I am excited to read your review of the first chapter

though I must admit I am stuck alittle bit with the second chapter. I am introducing a new character, Kyle! The 18 year old high school student working a summer job (cleaning the cabin) >3< but I am not exactly sure what to do in the chapter TT^TT