The Prophecy (Chapter Two)

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This chapter sort of continues from chapter one so you might want to read that first, or at least skim through it.

A loud knock at the door made Leila's heart skip a beat. she cocked her head to watch her sister, Lucy, wake up in a panic from underneath a heap of duvet and blankets.

"Argh! Help! I'm trapped! What's going on? Who's banging?" The muffled voice rang out across the room. Leila smirked at her sister's misfortune and calmly moved from the balcony - a position she had managed to maintain all morning - and placed her hands on, what felt like, Lucy's head.

"Calm down," she said softly. "There's someone at the door." The duvet immediately stopped moving and Leila tugged at the duvet revealing a young girl, with the same nutmeg complexion as herself, round hazel eyes and tangled jet black hair that fell just below her shoulders. Lucy looked up at her sister with a wide expression of gratitude on her face.

"Thanks sis'," she whispered, before shouting in a completely fake, posh voice: "Come in!" Leila moved to other side of the room and sat on her own bed as one of the young kitchen staff walked in. She was dressed in an old fashioned maids uniform complete with a a white, lace Alice band. Her blond hair was pinned back into a tight bun and she smiled sweetly to each girl as she entered.

"The Lord and Lady would like to know if you will be joining them for breakfast at all this morning, ma'ams." The two sister's turned to face each other, a confused look appearing on their faces.

"What time is it?" asked Leila, wondering how long she had been outside.

"It is eight o'clock, ma'ams," the maid replied, pointing to the large grandfather clock that stood in the hallway behind her.

"We will be down presently," said Lucy, still speaking in her fake, posh accent. The maid bowed her head and departed. Lucy waited until the maid's footsteps could no longer be heard before she chucked a pillow at Leila's head.

"Ow," whispered Leila, rubbing the side of her head.

"Why didn't you wake me?" asked Lucy, climbing out of bed and gathering her clothes that had been thrown across the room last night. She put the newly formed pile on the end of her bed and watched Leila walk over to the balcony and resume gazing at the distant woods. Lucy sighed and walked over to her.

"You didn't sleep again last night, did you?" Her voice showed signs of worry. Leila shook her head, closing her eyes.

"Lucy, I have to tell you something. But...it's hard to find the right words." A nervous feeling overwhelmed her making her think that telling Lucy was a bad idea. Lucy slipped her fingers into Leila's palm and gently pulled her over to her bed. Letting go of each others hands, they climbed onto her bed and sat cross legged, not saying anything for a while. Leila let her gaze wonder around the room, trying to build up enough courage. She sighed softly. Since moving to the Manor she had never really had time to appreciate the beautiful room the Lord and Lady had given them. Although the room was bigger then their old bedroom, it somehow felt smaller. Wood panels covered the walls and a thick, cream, sheep skin rug complemented the varnished wood flooring and a small wood burning fire place gave the room a more homely feel. Two walnut, four poster beds - engraved with different flowers - had been placed on opposite walls with a small walnut bedside table next to each headrest. The two large elm wardrobes - that had been borrowed from the children's care home because the Manor hadn't got any spare - sat at the end of Leila's bed, opposite the fire place. The balcony doors were placed between the two beds, opposite the door, which let the daylight stream into the room.

"Leila, we don't have much time," said Lucy, worried that the Lord and Lady may get impatient.

"I know. O.k, I'm just going to say it," she stared into her sister's eyes, hoping she would understand. "I keep hearing voices...telepathically. They call out to me from the woods. Every night since we moved in, I can't sleep because of them. I...I...please don't think I'm crazy." Leila's voice shook with panic. If Lucy thought she was crazy, then Leila would have no-one left. A single tear ran down her left cheek, which Lucy brushed away with her the back of her hand.

"I don't think your crazy," she whispered, leaning closer to her sister. "But what can we do?" Leila had gone over that thought a dozen times. Always coming to the same conclusion. If their is someone out there and they are in trouble then there is only one thing we can do.

"Lucy, I have to go down to the woods."




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You delve into greater detail about your characters this chapter, especially Lucy who we didn't get much of a look at in the first chapter. You also used dialogue much better, and I liked your cliffhanger at the end--my first thought was Uh-oh.

I only have one thing to comment on:

Leila's voice shook with panic. If Lucy thought she was crazy, then Leila would have no-one left. A single tear ran down her left cheek, which Lucy brushed away with her the back of her hand.


This seems to me a bit of an over reaction on Leila's part. Why would she fear her own sister would think she was crazy? They seem to have a good relationship. Does Leila have a history of hearing voices and/or being called crazy? If so, this should be noted. You could add a sentence like: "Last time this had happened..." Just showing that Leila has experienced this before (unless she didn't).

On a similar note, if Leila didn't have such a history, Lucy seemed to accept this far too easily. Like, okay you're hearing voices, that's totally cool with me. If I had a sibling who told me that, I'd be a little more worried, wouldn't you?

Okay, I just wanted to point that out. My point, I guess, would be to humanize them a little more. Mostly Lucy, you do a really good job with Leila already.

Overall: I really liked this piece. I'm starting to get to know the characters better, and their setting. You also ended the chapter leading towards suspense, which is a great way to hook a reader. Actually, your begining was a pretty good hook, too. I liked how you mostly avoided huge descriptions in this chapter. Well done. Let me know when you post more!




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Hey, I am gonna review your work today :D

She needs a capital letter!
she cocked her head to watch her sister, Lucy, wake up in a panic from underneath a heap of duvet and blankets.

I think it should be asked Lucy, as she climbed out of bed...etc!
"Why didn't you wake me?" asked Lucy, climbing out of bed and gathering her clothes

In the word O.K. the 'k' needs a capital!
"I know. O.k, I'm just going to say it," she stared into her sister's eyes, hoping she would understand.


Other than the small amount of corrections needed, I think this a very interesting piece. Just wondering what period of time is this set because it doesn't sound modern day, but you said that the maid wore oldfahioned clothing so that confused me.
Other than that it is really good, I really want to hear what happens, and you have a nice title, that gives nothing away! So please let me know what happens next.
Your sentence structure is pretty good, and it's usually hard for this kind of piece.
Well done!
~TheGillianGill~

There's a bright light, see it in the distance? It's called your future.



Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
— Kyle Chandler