The Knives

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They say you shouldn't cry over spilt milk, but why do they cry over spilt poison.

I crept along the dark corridor towards the targets room. He was due to take his medicine in twenty minutes so I had a dead line. I stepped around the light patches from the dim torches as I went in case anyone was to see me. Rats scurried across my feet but it didn't matter,they weren't important. I checked to make sure I had my poison. The grandmasters words echoed through my mind. Get in, get out and make it look like an accident. If all else fails just stab him. My hands traced the handle of my dagger, my back up plan. I looked around the corner to see if their was anyone guarding the door. One guy, small and stout. He looked dwarven, he has a long red beard and think red dreadlocks. He was tossing a battle axe over in his hands. I pointed my ring finger down the long corridor.
"Salem froit" I whispered. A cold breeze left my finger tip and crawled down the corridor. As it met the dwarf he simply couldn't move. He has frozen completely. This would last for ten minutes, an even shorter deadline. I picked up my pace going down the corridor, my leather boots making a soft patting noise as I stepped.

The room was so large and so bright. In the dead center was an old oak bed. It has rot throughout and woodlice clinging to the post. A man of around sixty with old white hair was laid in the middle of the room. Asleep, it was like he was in a coma. The stone walls were covered in cabinets. One of which had its medicine. His medicine bottle has a frog vial stopper. I gently walked over to the first cabinet. I opened it slowly but the squeak just echoed even more. I heard the man toss in his sleep. I turned,hand on dagger just in case. He was still asleep. Inside the cupboard were various medicines and bloodied knives that sat on top of old newspapers. I moved on to the next one, this one was empty except for the large spider hanging in the top left hand corner of it. The next one was full of old paperwork mainly death certificates. I could not even start to think about what was going on in this place. I opened the next one, full of vials, some purple, some green. There was one which was a soft yellow that hissed as I rubbed my finger over it's surface. I kept looking through the cabinets only to come up short. Where was it I looked at the man in the center of the room. He was muttering in his sleep. As he turned his head I noticed a small tattoo under his left ear. It was of a snake, in a circle biting his tail with the letter X in the center. That's why I can't use magic. He was Luxven. The only race to be completely magic tolerant. A small dresser sat by his bed with a small door on the front. I carefully walked over to the table. I had only about five minutes til the dwarf defrosted. A stifled a laugh, he won't have realised a minute has passed. With a large protruding grin I began searching through the dresser. It was there, a soft blue vial with a frog stopper. The frog was sat on a lily pad with tongue outstretched as if it was trying to get something. In the eye of the frog a solid bright green emerald sat staring out into the distance.I emptied the contents of the vial into another and took the stopper. I pulled the top out of my vial of poison. As I did the smell of freshly cut grass mixed with with vanilla seeped out. Disguised to kill I put the frog stopped in and shut the door. I looked up to see the dwarf start to thaw out. Crap I thought. I looked around at my options I had to get out somehow. The sound of echoing feet make me move faster.A woman with long brown hair pushed back with a sapphire head band stood with the dwarf. She was a healer,and a good one at that. They were trying everything they could to keep him alive.
"Stardust?"The dwarf asked. His voice was husky and rough.
"Nay, angel song." She replied. A code. A simple hello isn't good enough anymore.

She walked into the room straight to his bed. She tapped him lightly on the shoulder.
"Mr Frin. It is time to wake up." She said and bent down to go and get the vial. My hands were clinging to the bridge of the stones on the ceiling and my feet straight above the door. I had a perfect viewpoint. The man wearily opened his eyes and opened his mouth. She popped open the vial, the smell of vanilla and grass met my nostrils. She poured the poison into his mouth. A rich purple fluid came out. It fell with such elegance. She pushed his mouth closed so he had to swallow. Within seconds a soft gargling noise came out of him. He start to jerk about in the bed.
"The medicine has stopped working. I said this would happen. Dwarf help me!"She yelled. The dwarf ran in dropping his battle axe. It clattered with the floor making a horrid sound.
"Hold him down."She said as she ran over to the cabinets to try and find a counter vial. Good luck. You don't even know what you're looking for. When both of their backs were turned I slowly lowered myself down to the floor and stepped out of doorway. I quickly stepped down the corridor. As I reached the end of the corridor I had another look in the room. The woman was frantically pouring different coloured liquids into his mouth and the dwarf was holding him down. I ran down the remainder of the corridor and through the rest of the fort. The same locations repeated over and over. I opened the exit to the fort. Sunlight burst through the door.
"Escarpo asemin" I yelled. The field that surrounded me began to fade away. The fort was broken away bit by bit. Before long it was all gone and I was in the soft velvet lined room of the assassins guild, known to the rest of the worlds as the Knives.
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan




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Hi, my name's skutter and I shall be your reviewer for the day! Red for grammar, green for everyone else, ok?

They say you shouldn't cry over spilt milk, but why do they cry over spilt poison?

I crept along the dark corridor towards the target's room. He was due to take his medicine in twenty minutes, so I had a dead-line. I stepped around the light patches from the dim torches as I went in case anyone was to see me. Rats scurried across my feet but it didn't matter, they weren't important. I checked to make sure I had my poison. The grandmaster's words echoed through my mind. Get in, get out and make it look like an accident. If all else fails, just stab him. My hands traced the handle of my daggerTo me, this line seemed a little redundent, because we already know it is this person's back up.. I looked around the corner to see if their was anyone guarding the door. One guy, small and stout. He looked dwarven, he had, past tense, remeber! a long red beard and think red dreadlocks. He was tossing a battle axe over in his hands. I pointed my ring finger down the long corridor.
"Salem froit" I whispered. A cold breeze left my finger tip and crawled down the corridor. As it met the dwarf he simply couldn't move. He has frozen completely. This would last for ten minutes, an even shorter deadline. I picked up my pace going down the corridor, my leather boots making a soft patting noise as I stepped.

The room was large and bright (did you need the so's?. In the dead center was an old oak bed. It had, remember the tense! rot throughout and woodlice clinging to the post. A man of around sixty with old white hair was laid in the middle of the room. We know this already! If his bed is in the center, so is he!. Asleep, it was like he was in a coma. The stone walls were covered in cabinets. One of which had its: this is only, really, for things that aren't human, could you please explain why it is "it" instead of "his"? medicine. His medicine bottle had a frog vial stopper. I gently walked over to the first cabinet. I opened it slowly but the squeak just echoed even more. I heard the man toss in his sleep. I turned, hand on dagger just in case. He was still asleep. Inside the cupboard were various medicines and bloodied knives that sat on top of old newspapers. I moved on to the next one, this one was empty except for the large spider hanging in the top left hand corner of it. The next one was full of old paperwork, mainly death certificates. I could not even start to think about what was going on in this place. I opened the next one, full of vials, some purple, some green. There was one which was a soft yellow that hissed as I rubbed my finger over it's surface. I kept looking through the cabinets, only to come up short. Where was it?

I looked at the man in the center of the room. He was muttering in his sleep. As he turned his head I noticed a small tattoo under his left ear. It was of a snake, in a circle biting his tail with the letter X in the center. That's why I can't use magic. He was Luxven. The only race to be completely magic tolerant. A small dresser sat by his bed with a small door on the front. I carefully walked over to the table. I had only about five minutes till the dwarf defrosted. I stifled a laugh, he won't have realised a minute has passed. With a large protruding grin I began searching through the dresser. It was there, a soft blue vial with a frog stopper. The frog was sat on a lily pad with tongue outstretched as if it was trying to get something. In the eye of the frog a solid bright green emerald sat staring out into the distance. I emptied the contents of the vial into another and took the stopper. I pulled the top out of my vial of poison. As I did the smell of freshly cut grass mixed with with vanilla seeped out. Disguised to kill I put the frog stopped in and shut the door. I looked up to see the dwarf start to thaw out.

Crap, I thought. I looked around at my options. I had to get out somehow. The sound of echoing feet made me move faster. A woman with long brown hair pushed back with a sapphire head band stood with the dwarf. She was a healer,and a good one at that. They were trying everything they could to keep him alive.
"Stardust?"The dwarf asked. His voice was husky and rough.
"Nay, angel song." She replied. A code. A simple hello isn't good enough anymore.

She walked into the room straight to his bed. She tapped him lightly on the shoulder.
"Mr Frin. It is time to wake up." She said and bent down to go and get the vial. My hands were clinging to the bridge of the stones on the ceiling and my feet straight above the door. I had a perfect viewpoint. The man wearily opened his eyes and opened his mouth. She popped open the vial, the smell of vanilla and grass met my nostrils. She poured the poison into his mouth. A rich purple fluid came out, could you explain this line for me? Thanks!. It fell with such elegance. She pushed his mouth closed so he had to swallow. Within seconds a soft gargling noise came out of him. He started to jerk about in the bed.
"The medicine has stopped working! I said this would happen! Dwarf help me!" She yelled. The dwarf ran in, dropping his battle axe. It clattered to the floor, making a horrid sound.
"Hold him down," She said as she ran over to the cabinets to try and find a counter vial. Good luck. You don't even know what you're looking for. When both of their backs were turned I slowly lowered myself down to the floor and stepped out of doorway. I quickly stepped down the corridor. As I reached the end of the corridor I had another look in the room. The woman was frantically pouring different coloured liquids into his mouth and the dwarf was holding him down. I ran down the remainder of the corridor and through the rest of the fort. The same locations repeated over and over. I opened the exit to the fort. Sunlight burst through the door.
"Escarpo asemin!" I yelled. The field that surrounded me began to fade away. The fort was broken away bit by bit. Before long it was all gone and I was in the soft velvet lined room of the assassins guild, known to the rest of the worlds as the Knives.


I really enjoyed this, Retro! Good job and I hope that this will help ;)
"Madness rides the Star wind"

HP Lovecraft. Ironic, no?




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Hi Retro Disco! Pink here!

Just a few nitpicks...

to see if their was anyone guarding the door.

*there was

. One guy, small and stout.

Fragment. "There was one guy, small and stout, waiting by the door.

There was one which was a soft yellow that hissed as I rubbed my finger over it's surface.

I would reword this, there's something weird about this sentence. Maybe it's just me.

As I did the smell of freshly cut grass mixed with with vanilla

Double 'with' XD

"Stardust?"The dwarf asked.

You don't have to capitalize the 'The'
"Stardust?" the dwarf asked.

He start to jerk about in the bed.

*Started

Dwarf help me!"She yelled.

Same as what I said before.
"Dwarf, help me!" she yelled.
I noticed you do this often. Remember to connect what's being said with the way the character is saying it or whatever.
"Shoot me!" he yelled.
"I don't care," she said.
"Leave me alone," she whispered, slowly looking up, "I don't want you here."

"Escarpo asemin" I yelled

Comma or exclamation mark after asemin.

~~~


Overall
Alright, so I thought this was pretty coo. With the whole magic thing going on and all. Made me really think about it and the characters and different kinds of people you have in here makes me think you really thought over how this world works and how your characters interact with all these different types of people.
Now, with that said, there are still a few things that I'd like to mention. First, you want to use correct punctuation and make sure you have the right grammar. I'd go back and study up some comma rules and we'll be fine.
Overall, your story is interesting but there were parts where I was confused but again, you can't make me understand everything in just a few paragraphs. Keep writing!
Cheers,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hiya, retro, here to review as requested!

It seems that the others have done the nitpicks, so I won't include that in my review. There are a lot of commas missing, and your punctuation isn't that varied. Try reading it out loud, that was you can see where you need to stop. :)

The plot of this story is very unique, and though I don't usually like this genre, it really brought me in. I imagined what was going on a lot of the times because of your wonderful descriptions. I especially like how many questions are raised during this, so I do want to read on (PM me the next chapter! ;))

Usually, I wrote a whole section in my review about characters. But I don't know enough about them. All I can say is you kept them consistent throughout.

I'd say that you did well in making all of your dialogue natural, and when there were people talking, you varied it with description. No nitpicks on the dialogue!

My main dislike is the big paragraph you have in the middle. That could be split up quite a bit. Remember, you can start a new paragraph when:
-When you start in on a new topic
-When you skip to a new time
-When you skip to a new place
-When a new person begins to speak
-When you want to produce a dramatic effect

Most of the time, I'd say your wording is great. A lot of the time it just doesn't flow. Look for the same word in a sentence, or a sentence sounding funny. Again, reading aloud helps. Also for looking at tenses, because for me it just doesn't seem right. :D

I hope I helped, read again if you must! :P

*Taffy*
Someone told me there's a girl out there, with love in her eyes and flowers, in her hair.




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Hey Retro. Apparently, my notification didn't inform me of your request on my WRFF thread. So here I am late.

They say you shouldn't cry over spilt milk, but why do they cry over spilt poison.
I liked the introductory part Retro. This was something different from the usual 'I and all'. Also, it had depth in it and I don't know why whenever the word milk is written I feel hungry. Crazy, right, considering that I am not a milk follower?

I looked around the corner to see if their was anyone guarding the door. One guy, small and stout. He looked dwarven, he has a long red beard and think red dreadlocks. He was tossing a battle axe over in his hands. I pointed my ring finger down the long corridor.
This might be personally or something but I didn't find this as exciting as it could have been. Like, the third line is entirely wrong construction wise. First of all, it should be 'had' instead of 'has', as you know it's set in past. Second thing, you missed on something between think and red. I think if you read the sentence, you'd be there.

A man of around sixty with old white hair was laid in the middle of the room.
The two blue words make me look like the man had been picked up by someone and laid there, which I believe is not the case. So you can just get over to like only 'laid'.

Inside the cupboard were various medicines and bloodied knives that sat on top of old newspapers.
I am not sure if 'bloodied' is a word at all or not. So instead of this word write 'blood stained knives'.

There was one which was a soft yellow that hissed as I rubbed my finger over it's surface.



Well, there were many more mistakes, a lot actually and I didn't have the time to pin-point all of them individually, but if you need a line b line review next time, just let me know. Okay, so as for the first this story does have a lot of potential but there are many small small mistakes that you need to fix before proceeding further.

As Tamara has already pointed out that you that the big paragraph was scary in its spacing and I didn't understand why you didn't break it into smaller paragraphs. Never mind, Tam has given you an excellent advice on how and where you can break it so just follow what she mentioned because you cannot start a passage wherever you want fro, so proper knowledge of where to start it from is very important. Other than this big paragraph giving away scare to the readers, I found this a bit confusing. There's no doubt whatsoever that the thing you wrote for vial and the way you described them was enchanting, I didn't get the gist of almost everything which happened after he got the required vial. Where did others come from? Were they with him all time and if they came after he came in the room, and if he is hiding from them, then why doesn't fear is shown. I don't have any clue what happened afterwards, so it'd be kind of you if you can PM me with what exactly happened.

As for the storyline, it was definitely something different from other types, and from the way it was written I assume that the protagonist is a male servant working in this very house and has been instructed by his master to kill this old man. It was when you said sixty year man that I realized that the man's not a boy but an old man. This was because when this guy enters the room, you barely tell about the person who's sleeping on the bed, so I think you can elaborate on that a bit so as to make this more interesting and more of descriptive thing. I would love to see more clear and vivid descriptions of his room in particular. That would tell a bit about the time where it's been set in although it doesn't seem of this time as of the servant type kind of system. But then the dialog indicate that this region is somewhat different from America so it can be still servants tradition.

Whatever it was, it can be a lot better and much more explained. I liked the beginning you had in there which was quite gripping but as it dragged on, it felt a bit bore. But this can be because of personal choice. Other thing which I liked was the descriptions and information you gave about vials and the frog thing.

Overall, it was good but can definitely be better. Sorry I didn't have much special to say as others have covered up almost everything.

Thanks for the request,
Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore



I have writer's block. I can't write. It is the will of the gods. Now, I must alphabetize my spice rack.
— Neil Gaiman