Zombie Senryu

Hungry teeth gnashing,
Veiny ropes constrict chewed necks,
They're coming for me.

Love it. Absolutely love it.
The name drew me in. Though this is actually senryu. Aren't I particular?

Anywho. Awesome piece. Love how you never actually say the word "zombie", but it's so evident and obvious. At least to me.

Awesome write.

-Coral-

Haha, I was going to point out that it was a senryu. XD

Anyway, I don't like the use of "so." I mean, I know that you were trying to fill up a syllable... but I still didn't like it. The weakest word there in that line is "shuffling." See if you can find a better word that fits that sort of poem with three syllables.

Thanks for the reviews.

...How terrible would it be if I told you I'd never heard of senryu before today? I think I'm going to blame my crappy poetry teacher from freshman year. Thanks for pointing that out though! Now I can fix my title so it's not all...error-y.

Oh, and thanks Snoink, I'll take a look at it.

Hey,

I found this to be very original and quite humorous in a sense. This is the first "poem" I have read about zombies and I find the idea of it marvelous. Well done, and even more of a well done for managing to write it a senryu. A solid piece all round, my one point however like has been said before is that shuffling seems like a weak word in comparison.

~Retro Disco666

I fixed it, would you guys mind looking at it and telling me what you think?

Yay! Better!

This is completely nit-picky, but I had a problem with this:

Dragging their dead limbs behind,
They're coming for me.

Too much of the same sound! So, while I like the imagery of the second line more, the repetition bugs me. Although... you shouldn't change the last line because it pretty much defines awesome.

(And yes, I am a picky, picky writer. XD)

Oh! I see what you mean. And I don't mind the nitpicks at all. It's helpful. Hahaha. xD

Maybe something with a little more... gory glory?

I keep on thinking of awful things, like "half-eaten leg" or something else similarly disgusting, because I'm a terrible person. XD

Now that you're starting to get a little more descriptive, see if you can spruce up your first line, which now seems like it's a little boring compared to your ideas with the rest of this poem.

I thought of something like that! I edited it already.

Now you don't know they're zombies, really. The imagery isn't really as evocative of it now, since it doesn't use the typical cliches associated with zombies. Also, the second line is kind of ehhh.

Maybe:

Zombies stagger on gnawed legs

I don't know. Mention zombies somewhere!

Back as requested.

I know I am going to sound annoying, but I think I preferred it before. Now you have lost the zombie imagery that was so good about it and now it is hard to identify that the piece is about zombies(Other than the title)

I would try an go for a different zombie characteristic. Maybe, oh I don't know, something like Mort flesh, or decayed limbs, something that screams zombie, without actually saying it.

Hope this helped.

I will review again if requested.

~Retro Disco666