Crash This Gospel

Still working on everything.

Begin.

When you cried out the oceans,
the seagulls swept away the sting in
mighty gusts of breath from your lips.
When your palms encircled the sky,
the lands tumbled between your fingers,
each mountain a mite of dirt beneath your nail.

On the eighth day
you drowned in that skyward tide;
your hips hit the Earth and you were naked.
Serpents ensnared your head and
irons cleaved your flesh; and
I watched you break with my heart.

When you vanished, the Earth--gray and
desolate--shook in violent reprieve.
Your ghost walked the broken streets.
Your gospel fell from the clouds and
engulfed our flagship hope. I conformed
as our kingdom chanted a new, wicked mantra.

After your vanishing left us dazed,
your masterpiece shot his wife;
your world razed itself with your example.
But to be honest, though you now go
to such depths to hide from me,
I miss our time in Eden before I lost you.

Hi there..
So, this piece was really interesting. I had to slow down, and take every word in, which doesn't happen to often. So Kudos to you. c:
I absolutely loved the imagery in this.. the phrasing and word choice were spectacular.. the emotions were vivid and powerful. I especially loved the first stanza.
I don't think that I can really critique this at all.. I liked it too much, and can't find anything. So here's a useless review.
Sorry.

-Coral-

Wow. That was amazing

Greetings Lumi, I'm LastPaladin as you know. Now it's strange reading a poem like this after watching American Beauty it hits the right chords and I feel I understand it in some ways now I wouldn't have before this movie. It's certainly evocative piece that makes you think. Now on to nitty gritty.

I don't know, this is a powerful piece but you change overall feeling with the end, the style was esoteric than raw to begin with, even dare I say innocent. But the last stanza just was filled with raw feeling, I'm unsure if this is a bad thing. But it is a bit of a shock to reading beautiful poetic prose then the last stanza just seems so full of anger.

It's a jump, but does it work, that's what I'm trying to work out.

Reading again, it's a transition but still the last stanza stands out. And not in way I like. I wish for life of me could work out why it gets to me so. Ah well ce'st la vie.

My favourite stanza was definitely this one here:

But on the eighth day you drowned
in that tide in the sky;
your hips hit the Earth and you were naked.
And in a sense, innocence was better
than seeing your beautiful glory stripped away.

I just love the first line and the passion here doesn't seem so forced. Whereas final stanza rings out so. Grrr... why can't I work out something this simple.

Now, this piece is beautiful and truly powerful but because of that stanza I can't give it a star maybe in another poem. Maybe it's both the second last stanza and the final one. Hmm, perplexing riddle we have 'ere Lums. It's a solid piece with a jigsaw piece just missing but for life of me, and my experience I can't work out what this piece is.

Hope this helps.

Lums!

Firstly, lose that disclaimer line. If people take your writing literally, then it’s their issue. As the writer of the poem you only have so much influence on how your reader reacts to it. Let us make up our own minds. Perhaps reading it literally will bring about a new meaning.

Okay, so. I was going to do a line by line of your poem for you. But I don’t think I will now. When I first read this poem (by now I have read it several times) I thought it was interesting but somewhat clunky. Now I am reading it again and I feel that there is no voice here. You are using second person – direct use of “you” – and that should be stronger, with more weight to the words. Most particularly, it should be more accusatory, particularly toward the end. Rather than read your poem and think “this is a commentary. This is rough, this is honest, this is felt.” I am left without much of an impression.

What impression I do have is in three lines:
But on the eighth day you drowned
in that tide in the sky;
your hips hit the Earth and you were naked.

These aren’t executed as well as I know you can do. They’re too wordy and convoluted to truly press the point, the feeling. The first and last lines are perfect, but we are lost on the second line. Rather than be something solid after a strong first line, it dips into a sense of obscurity. Perhaps something like “in that tide of sky” < It isn’t much of a change at all, it’s merely removing some words that alter the meaning somewhat. But it’s more effective. “That tide in the sky” is slower, more of a mouthful in a poem that should be moving easily, smoothly.
Your first stanza has good promise; you have some excellent images and a good base in the entire poem. You’re let down by some shoddy lines and some poor wording in bits and pieces which slows your piece down. I’ve re-written this next bit like ten times because I want to say more than I’m saying but I also want to say less. So, I’m going to go into the poem for a line by line (see how contradictory I am?)

When your eyes cried out the oceans,
the seagulls swept away the pain in
mighty gusts of breath from your lips. < I don’t know how much I like these two lines, the one above and this. I think they flow. And I love the image of seagulls sweeping away pain. But I’m not sure about it on the whole.
When your voice disrupted the Earth, < BAM! Awesome line.
the fires of hell licked at your skin < Less awesome line. This is... I don’t know. Say something about the earth here, like you’ve done with seagulls and oceans, and I’ll like it more. xD
and the palm of your hand sweltered. < I love this line.

And as a general rule of thumb, < I like this.
you were the first with your word < I like this less, sadly. I am not sure why I dislike it, but it may only be because it has no use, and no real purpose here. It is a lonely line, despite the following ones.
and your word was you and you lived < Same as the above, really.
along the celestial shore, housed in
cosmic rays of blues and purples. < I dislike this line and that above. They’re too whimsical, pointless in terms of what you’re saying here, or what I think you’re saying here.

But on the eighth day you drowned < I love this line.
in that tide in the sky; < I’ve made my suggestion.
your hips hit the Earth and you were naked. < LOVE this line. Like, really love it. It’s a wonderful image. And hips instead of back, instead of feet. Beautiful.
And in a sense, innocence was better
than seeing your beautiful glory stripped away. < Eeeeh. Maybe if you lost “beautiful” here? There’s something not quite sincere in this line, and the one above, which makes me not want to read it again. It is slippery for no real reason.

So your light couldn't break through hell < Not such a fan of this, but I can take it or leave it.
and your masterpiece shot his wife; < LOVED this image. Wonderful.
your world fell apart by the threads. < I like this line as well.
So the wise ones sent you packing < I can take or leave this line.
and you swore you'd return, but I said, < I kind of like this, but I’m not really feeling the use of I here.
"Crash this gospel." < Eh. I don’t like this as your ending. It’s not strong and it lacks the feeling of the poem as a whole. I feel as though it’s here to explain your metaphors, your reasoning. We should get the feel of it and that should be all we need.

You have some excellent lines, some fairly icky lines, and some neutral ones here, which is natural for any poem. You use your good lines very well, but the entire poem is brought down by those other lines. I suggest you edit severely and then add to your hearts content. Do this several times – cutting it bare and then growing it back – and then see what kind of ideas you’ve got from it. Don’t delete any of your attempts; examine your rhythm and your flow in each attempt you make.

I look forward to seeing any changes you decide to make, please Pm me if anything happens!
*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Hello there, Lumi. Here to review the latest edit, as requested. I am sleep-deprived and slightly loopy, so if something doesn't make sense, well, that's probably why. XD

When your eyes cried out the oceans,

This line just feels so clunky to me. I blame the "eyes" bit as what else can produce tears other than eyes? "When you cried out the oceans" works better, in my opinion. Less clunky, same meaning.

the seagulls swept away the pain in

While I really like the image of seagulls sweeping away pain, I can't shut out the screaming in the back of my mind that the pain is all to vague. What sort of pain is it? Caused by what? To what extent is/was it felt? A bit more specificity would be nice, give this poem a more concrete base.

When your voice disrupted the Earth,

Another clunky line, this time due to "disrupted". It just doesn't flow because it is too vague. How did it disrupt? What kind of disruption?

the mountains tumbled between your fingers;
each stone just dirt beneath your nail.

I'm really not liking that semicolon there. A comma would be better. Also, "just" is such a weak word. Replace with something stronger and more vivid, like "a grain of".

On the eighth day you drowned
in that skyward tide;

I don't much like the enjambment of these lines. The over-emphasis of "drowned" leads to a subtle splitting of the two lines, which wrecks the flow of ideas and the reading. I think breaking after "day" would be much better. It would also strengthen the Biblical allusions you have going on.

Serpents ensnared your head and
irons split apart your flesh; and

I just really don't like these lines. I don't know what it is about them I dislike; only that I don't like them.

I watched you break with my heart.

This line, however, I did like.

desolate--shook in violent reprieve;

Do not like the semicolon. A full stop would work better, I think, and lend a pattern to this stanza's punctuation that would reinforce the word repetition.

engulfed our flagship hope. I feared
as our kingdom chanted a wicked mantra.

Feared what? Grammatically correct it may be, but there's no clear set up for any fears, and so the fearing comes out of nowhere and leaves your reader hanging uncomfortably. Ditto for the wicked mantra. Where is it coming from?

your world razed itself from the seams.

What do all-destructive fire and sewing have to do with one another?

I despise you, taunt you, and mock you,

Where are these coming from? There is no indication of any of these earlier on in the poem, and so they come out of nowhere. And because of that, what could otherwise be a strong ending line comes off as quite weak.

Overall, this poem has an issue of not building off itself. The ideas in each stanza are almost totally separate, only loosely tied together by Biblical allusion, and that is not enough of a connection. There needs to be more concrete ties between each stanza and the ideas therein, otherwise your reader is left wondering where in the world a lot of the lines came from because they certainly weren't hinted to earlier on in the poem.

There was also an overall sense of vagueness, of non-specificity, and as Tack already mentioned a lack of clear voice. And this lack of voice and clarity of imagery compounded the disparity in ideas.

Basically, you need to expand upon the ideas in this poem. Show how they are connected by more than just allusion. Make your imagery more concise and vivid by using more concise and vivid language. Explore the emotions of the narrator more fully. See if you can add more layers of interrelated meaning within each stanza, and between them. It will give this poem a greater sense of being a whole rather than parts cobbled together in a facsimile of Genesis' "The Fall".

Very well done, Lumi. The imagery throughout this poem is marvelous, and all the words put together are quite pleasant to read out loud. This is my favorite part from the third stanza:

"Your ghost walked the broken streets.
Your gospel fell from the clouds and
engulfed our flagship hope."

loverly :) And the fourth was definitely my favorite stanza:


"After your vanishing left us dazed,
your masterpiece shot his wife; ---> my absolute favorite line, I don't know why. just feels very sudden.
your world razed itself with your example.
But to be honest, though you now go
to such depths to hide from me,
I miss our time in Eden before I lost you"

Anyways, wonderful poem, I really enjoyed reading it :)

This just made my day (: I love poems that have a deeper meaning than what's obvious. Symbolism is the beauty of writing; you may see it in one sense, and others read a whole different story. I love this, keep writing (:

this piece was very beautifully written. Wouldn't change a thing.