Marley (Revised)

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I walked down the church aisle with a single white rose in my hands. My father was at my side, guiding me towards the front of the sanctuary. In the first pew sat my teary-eyed mother, praying to the Lord to help her let go. She couldn’t hold on to her youngest daughter forever, try as she might.

A preacher stood at a podium, ready to do another routine service. He would attempt to personalize it, to bring out the heart of the strangers he was praying over, but he would disappoint. He didn’t know Marley, and he didn’t know me, so he would fail.

As I made my way past rows of turned heads and familiar faces, my mind was unnaturally numb, unable to process the event at hand. The emotions I were feeling were so far beyond any I had ever felt before. Only one sentence could be strung together in my head, and as such was repeating over and over in an unbelieving, monotonous voice. I’m actually here, this is actually happening.

When we got to the front of the church, my father abandoned me, leaving me to absorb the moment as best as I could. I stared at Marley’s youthful face, at brown curls that framed tan freckles and blue eyes.

Those same eyes were now covered by fragile eye lids and thick lashes, never to see meet light again. An organist started playing a mournful tune, and I gently laid the rose on Marley’s folded arms. I retreated back to my parents as the organist broke off.

The preacher began the funeral of my little sister, Marley.



Last March I had the flu. I would lay in my parent’s bed all day and watch Scooby Doo reruns. Every half hour--or so it seemed--a wave of nausea would overtake me and I would dash to the bathroom across the hall, just making it to the toilet before I’d start heaving.

I would wretch, and when my stomach had nothing more to give, I would gag, spitting out vomit-tinted saliva. I’d hold my stomach with one hand, and lean exhaustingly against the toilet with the other, praying for it to stop, just stop. Sometimes I’d sit there for ten minutes, sobbing, begging for it to be over. Yet a small part of me was dreading that moment.

I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and if I had to hear “ruh-roh” one more time, I might have just screamed. That’s what I had to look forward to.

Just then, as though set on an invisible time, my queasiness would diminish and a small portion of my strength would return. I’d slowly stand up, using the toilet to steady myself, and flush the puke away. After rinsing out my mouth, I’d drag myself back to bed, where I would find that against the TV schedule, Tom and Jerry would be playing, saving me from a depressing boredom.

Until, of course, it all happened again, a half hour later.

As I walked to my room after the funeral, I couldn’t help thinking that the way I was feeling just then was a lot like having the flu. All I wanted to do was die.

Except, there was one, very big difference between the two: the flu lasted two days, and then it was gone. The loss of Marley, the feeling of emptiness and desperation, I wasn’t sure it would ever leave.

Not even looking, I grabbed random clothes from my dresser and went to my bathroom. Whenever I was upset, I would take a shower. They would sometimes last an hour, sometimes longer, and I always felt better afterward. But I didn’t have high hopes for this one.

As I pulled the shower curtain back and stepped inside, I was pelted by small jets of frigid water, ice against my pale skin. I didn’t turn the handle to make it warmer. My heart was cold and my mind was numb; why bother making my body any different?

A shiver ran up my spine as I held my face under the pouring liquid, which was faithfully unrelenting. It was only then that I let myself cry. I opened my mouth slightly and the bitter, salty taste of tears caressed my tongue. It was a taste I would come to savor.

After mindlessly washing my hair, I left the shower and wrapped my towel around myself. A look at the mirror told me that the mascara and eyeliner I was wearing at the funeral was not waterproof; it had smeared under my eyes and down my cheeks, giving me the look of an orphaned waif, pathetically clutching my towel to my chest.

I looked into my soulless eyes and a wave of hopelessness washed over me. I sank to my knees, and bile rose in my throat. Without the strength or will to swallow it down, I simply spit it into the toilet, tears streaming down my face, dripping off my chin.

I prayed and begged it would end, but I knew it wouldn’t be over, and I wasn’t sure I could handle facing it.

It was like having the flu. All I wanted to do was die.
Last edited by ultraviolet on Fri Sep 03, 2010 6:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Hey ultraviolet,
I really enjoyed reading your short story. It captured the feelings of sorrow and pain the girl was having because of her sister's death. I liked how you compared her general feeling to how she felt to something anyone can relate to because not everyone knows how it feels to lose somebody important. I would have liked it if you would have described what happened to Marley, only because it makes you wonder how someone young, which brings me to the point you didn't actually say how old she was, would die. The ending to the story was pretty great. It wasn't a cliff hanger, it didn't leave you wondering, i wonder what will happen next. That's always a good thing because it is a short story and let me tell you i have read many short stories that leave you hanging. You explained your point really well. Good job. ~Imaginemymind.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on" ~Robert Frost

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Great job! You really captured the feelings of this character which aroused my pity & sympathy. Well done.
x
"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast." ~Oscar Wilde.




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Heya Ultraviolet :)

I'm here to review as requested! Sorry I'm kind of late, I've been a busy child lately... Anyways, I'm here now, so it's all good!

The emotions I were feeling were so far beyond any I had ever felt before.


Those same blue eyes had a glossy effect, like they were glazed over. They saw without seeing, and would no longer light up with laughter, or swim with heartbroken tears.

Wouldn't they have closed Marley's eyes...? It would be a bit creepy if her eyes were open when she was dead...

I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and if I had to hear “ruh-roh” one more time, I might have just screamed.

You had a bit of a tense slip here. ;)

As I walked to my room after the funeral, I couldn’t help thinking that the way I was feeling just then was a lot like having the flu. All I wanted to do was die.

Wanting to die because of being sick with the flu is a bit of an exaggeration, I think.

Except, there was one, very big difference between the two: the flu lasted two days, and then it was gone.

A few missing words here. ;)

The loss of Marley, the feeling of emptiness and desperation, I wasn’t sure that it would ever leave.


Whenever I was upset, I would take a shower.


It was like having the flu. All I wanted to do was die.

Again, when I had the flu, I didn't really want to die.


Overall

As a whole, this was certainly a good read. Compared to the original version, I can clearly tell that this version is better. What I really liked in this version of the story, and what you did well, was the way you used descriptions. You had some very nice descriptions in this. You used an awful lot of emotive language, which helped create the atmosphere and the mood that you were going for. It was easy to tell that this was meant to be a negative, sad story. Even if we had no idea that your MC's sister had died, I still would have gathered that this story wasn't a happy one. You portrayed your MC's emotions extremely well and I could understand exactly how she was feeling. If I remember correctly, in the original version, I commented on the fact that your MC wasn't really showing her emotions all that well. I'm so glad now to see that you are, in fact, showing your MC's emotions very well, and very effectively. :)

My only critique for this is the fact that I know basically nothing about your MC and her situation. All that I really know is that she's attended her sister's funeral, and is clearly sad about it. You left me with so many questions though. Considering this is a short story, I'm assuming that you're not carrying it on? If that is the case, then the vagueness of it is is your main problem. To begin with, how did Marley's sister die? That is the main question, especially because she clearly died at a young age. When did she die? What memories does your MC have with Marley? You could do a lot with that one, actually. One thing I noticed is that memories are extremely effective ways of creating an emotional piece of writing. It's also just a nice little touch, if you get what I mean. What I'm trying to say is that I really want you to tell me more about your MC and what she's been and going through. We gather that she's extremely sad and that her sister's just died, but that's about it. Tell us more! How old was Marley? How old is your MC? Also, why were Marley's eyes open when she was dead...? :lol:

Except for that, I don't really have anything else to say. Compared to the original version, this one is even better. I can truly feel the emotions of your MC, which is something that an awful lot of writers struggle to do. All that you need to do know is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said and maybe edit this up a bit. Give us a bit more information about your MC and her life with Marley, and this could be a really great piece of writing!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Thanks for the reviews! Skins, I fixed all of the grammar mistakes. As for the "All I wanted to do was die," when I was really sick, I felt awful. It was an exaggeration, but I felt like that, to a degree.

And for the whole lack of backstory, I didn't really give them one. I might, eventually, but for the most part I'm content with how it is now. Though, I might use it as a opener for a novel idea I have.

Thanks for taking the time to help me. :)

loveness, ultraviolet
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Hey there! Finally here.

Quotes 'n' Comments

My father was at my side, guiding me towards the front of the sanctuary.


So, I realize that 'sanctuary' is the right word here, but I would suggest changing it. Sanctuary, to me, sounds like a happy thing. A place where people go when they need help. Sanctuary could be defined as a refuge, which are obviously positive places. It's not so much the word, just the tone it gives off. You already start off with a happy tone; it seems like, from the first sentence, that your character is walking down the isle to be married. I think if you used a different word, it would be a great transition into the sorrowful tone you use in the rest of the story.

I’m actually here, this is actually happening.


Again, this seems happy. You should try to find another way to say this that fits with the tone of the rest of the paragraph. When I read your first few paragraphs I'm so confused because you keep jumping back and forth between sad and happy sounding. If you put in more - I hate to say it - depressing words, then your readers will really get the feel of the story before it's explained.

Last March I had the flu.


I think this is a great transition, however you take a little too long ending the flu part and getting on to the after-the-funeral part. Speed it up a bit, or your readers (I know I did) will get confused as to where the story was going.

When we got to the front of the church, my father abandoned me, leaving me to absorb the moment as best as I could.


This is purely great writing right here. The way you say this makes it seem like she's totally alone, even though she's in the middle of a crowded room. I could really sense that she was alone (alone as in she has no one left because her sister is dead) without you even hinting to that.

Characters

I think you did a great job on the main character. Everything she was thinking, everything she was doing, is something that I would do. And I love it when I can relate to the main character. Your story doesn't have much of a plot, therefore what you needed to do was make your characters shine, and I really think you did that.

Plot

Speaking of plot... ok. So, I like the story, however I am left feeling a little unfinished. And of course I know why: because there is no ending! No hidden epiphany, not even an extremely sappy revelation! If you have to have her going to look up at the night sky, the wind blowing through her hair, and her realizing that everything will be ok (extremely lame and cliche, I know) then do it. I just want an ending. I want to know if this character will survive or not, you know?

Overall

Your writing amazes me. You use simple-yet-poetic sentences, and your structure never leaves you bored or wanting more or less. I think this story compliments your writing style perfectly. Like I said above, I would like an ending. It may just be me, because I don't like it when authors "leave the ending open so you can figure it out yourself." Bleh. I hate that, I want the author, who knows the character better than I, to show me the ending. Please come up with some sort of revelation, or more of a hint that she will not be able to survive after this tragic accident?

Keep writing,

Classy.



Even strength must bow to wisdom sometimes.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief