Too Many Secrets Ch.1

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Summer had ended, and with it all the freedom that I’d had. The first day of my junior year in high school had began. A tight knot in my stomach had formed. I was the most queer girl in the class, therefore subjected to the most ridicule. It was something I did not look forward to.

'Eva, we're here.' My mother looked at me worriedly. We could never really fit in, she knew. We would always be odd. I could sense she worried about me with every fibre of her being. I smiled reassuringly as I got out of the old station wagon and made my way to Old Quilt High School. It was the only highschool in the town of Old Quilt where me and my mother had lived, and our ancestors before that. This is where I had spent my whole life being mocked and bullied because I appeared odd.

I walked in, clutching my black school bag for protection. Protection from what? Them. Amy walked towards me. She walked tall, her deep blue eyes slicing me.

'Creep. I thought I told you to go find a new town .' She said, raising one perfectly shaped eyebrow. Becca and Christine, her evil sidekicks were by her side soon enough.

I didn't answer.

'What is she wearing?' Becca whispered to Christine.

'Her grandmother's skirt, I bet.' Christine said just loudly enough for me to here.

I felt anger boiling in me. My face turned red, so defined because of the mass of wild red curls on my head.

'Please go' I said, as I glared at them.

'Why?' Amy snarled. 'You don't like us, Evangeline?' I cringed. I hated being called by my full name. At that same moment all three of them fell to the ground, clutching their stomach. Oh no. I ran away as quick as I could. I didn't want to be associated with that. I had enough on my plate as it was.

I suddenly bumped into someone. Looking up, I saw the most gorgeous boy ever. He was tall, more a man than a boy, with dark hair, neatly cropped and impossibly beautiful grey eyes. His skin was snow white, it looked almost transparent. But he did not look fragile. He had a muscular body.

For a few seconds his eyes bore into mine. It felt like he was looking into my soul.

'I''m very sorry.' He said. 'I should have watched where I was going. My name is Caleb. I'm new here.'

I reached out my hand to shake his, absolutely dumbfounded. It was the first time anyone had spoken to me like I was not strange outside of my family.

'My name is Eva.' I almost whispered, as I shook his hand. He lifted my fingers to his lips and then let my hand go, smiling at me. His teeth glistened in perfection.

'I'm very pleased to meet you, Eva. You see, I am a newcomer.'

Yeah, I had figured that one out. Otherwise he would not be talking to me. No one from this town ever spoke to me unless absolutely necessary. Even the teachers tended to avoid me. They new I was strange, just like my whole family. A few hundred years ago, we would probably have been burned at stake. Now, they were just left with old tales and superstitions. That they blindly believed.

'Where do you come from?' I asked.

'I lived in New York. But my family felt they would rather enjoy small town life while they could, so we moved here.' I nodded in understandment as the bell went.

'I have to get to my first class.' I said, awkwardly.

'All right, but could you tell me how to get to English with Ms.Peters first?' He asked, once again boring his eyes into mine. It's like I could not resist.

I looked down at my schedule. I had English with Ms.Peters first period.

I tried to break free from the strange atmosphere that had settled in.

'Looks like I have that first period, too. Let's go together.'

As we walked into the hallway, I realized that the moment we actually walk in, Caleb would never look at me again. All the popular girls would immediately grab his attention and soon everyone would tell him what a freak I was. I sighed, saddened by the thought.

'What is it?' Caleb asked. 'You sound upset.'

'Oh, you know, just the first day of school.'

We walked into the classroom and all chatting immediately seized. First, because this absolutely gorgeous boy had walked in, and second because he had walked in with me.

Ms.Peters looked at me.
'Who is that, Eva?' She asked curiously.
'This is Caleb. He's a new student.' I explained.
'Take your seat.' She said. I found a seat at the back, away from everyone else. I didn't want to get in trouble's way.

The whole time Ms.Peters made him stand in front of the class and tell us about him, he never took his eyes off me. The popular girls were twirling strands of hair on their fingers, secretly applying lipgloss, batting their eyelashes. But he did not even look at them. My heart fluttered in my chest. My cheeks burned. He flashed me one of those beautiful, intellectual smiles that few guys had. Then he took his seat. At the front of the class. I was kind of dissapointed that he had not sat next to me, but I didn't let it show.

The bell rang. We didn't have class together next period. I had Bio with Mr. Brian. Once again, I sat all by myself, pretty far from any one else. I could still here their remarks, though.

I heard Amy and Becca laugh over how crazy my hair had gotten and did I never cut it. Christine made fun of my clothes, as always. My skirt. I heard them talk about how I never left my house. Sure. The topic of the queer little girl with the creepy heritage never got old.

The bell rang again. Lunch. I sat in the most secluded part of the cafeteria. Away from anyone, in the corner. Then Caleb walked in. He was followed by a bunch of popular girls, Amy, Becca and Christine among them. Some jocks had crowded around him too. I didn't expect anything else, yet as I saw him with them, my heart felt heavy. Like I'd hoped. In vain.

Suddenly though, something strange happened. He excused himself from the group and slowly walked towards me. Everyone watched, jaws hung.

'So, how are you liking your first day?' I asked, the biggest grin on my face. He had made my day.




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Okay... I feel like this could be something so make it so.
He says that he's new and then repeats it. You might want to change that. It's kinda weird.
Um... The mean girls feel very stereo typical and flat. If they aren't a big part of the story that's fine but if not you might want to change it up. So far they're just the normal, snooty, make-up, tight clothes cheerleader.
I like the main character. She seems pure and nonconfrontational.
Test




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Hiya! Pink here, dropping by for a review ;)

Nitpicks

and with it all the freedom that I’d had.

This kinda like a double, I had had. Get it? Haha, easy- just say 'freedom that I had.'

Them.

I thought this should be in italics, just a though, though. :)

'Creep. I thought I told you to go find a new town .' She said

Okay, remember to have good punctuation, especially with quotes. In this sentence, there should be a comma after town not a period. Here, I'll provide you with an examples.
"Creep,I thought I told you to go find a new town," she said. (Notice the comma and the lower case said)
Here's a link to help you:http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp

His skin was snow white, it looked almost transparent. But he did not look fragile. He had a muscular body.

*cringe* he's not a vampire is he? GAH!
But, if he is...hopefully he doesn't sparkle >.< lol

'I''m very sorry.'

*I'm not I"m

They new I was strange, just like my whole family.

*knew

~~~


Overall


I liked the concept here, she's definitely hiding something and I want to know what that is. So, Caleb, is also hiding something and yes, you did a fairly good job at catching my attention. Now, with that said, there are still a few things I'd like to point out. Including the characters, normally I don't like to talk too much about characters but I agree with what was already said, every character except for Eva and Caleb seem flat, like some stereotypical girl/ guy you'd find in the 'Mean girls' movie or something. I suggest you give them some characteristics that would make them seem different than the others. Also, right now, your plot seems a little cliche, but I guess that's alright because most stories kind of start out cliche and it's hard to break out of that. But the whole heritage thing you had going on was quite interesting, nonetheless.
All in all, I would watch out for correct punctuation, especially with quotes. Also, remember to start new lines every time a character speaks so we don't get mixed up with who's talking and who's not talking.
Anyways, you did a good job, keep writing!
Cheers,

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hi there,

I'm going to do a little nitpicks, first and then we shall go with the overall impression, alright?
'I''m very sorry.' He said. 'I should have watched where I was going. My name is Caleb. I'm new here.'

I reached out my hand to shake his, absolutely dumbfounded. It was the first time anyone had spoken to me like I was not strange outside of my family.

'My name is Eva.' I almost whispered, as I shook his hand. He lifted my fingers to his lips and then let my hand go, smiling at me. His teeth glistened in perfection.

'I'm very pleased to meet you, Eva. You see, I am a newcomer.'

Okay, so he says he's new here two times... One time is enough. The first one fits better than the second, if you want my opinion.

Yeah, I had figured that one out. Otherwise he would not be talking to me.

Yeah is more of a informal word, which would be totally normal for when a character speaks, but if i were you, i would use Yes for her thoughts and Yeah when she talks...

Even the teachers tended to avoid me. They knew I was strange, just like my whole family.

I believe you wanted to say knew, not new?

I could still here hear their remarks, though.


Okay, so these are all the ones I found. Hope it helped. Now let me talk about the plot... it's interesting, and full of mystery over the girl. You don't say much apart that she's a freak. We don't know why everyone thinks that, what did she do? I like that, keep the story running and the readers questioning. :) The only thing that bothered me would be that the guy -Caleb- appeared out of nowhere. I was like, "Whoa, where did he came from?" You might want to have Eva acknowledge his presence, or at least the presence of a new kid at the school? It's a small town, so it would be normal for everyone that there's someone new living in they're town, right?

Oh, another thing... It's pretty choppy and really not flowing well. You might want to combine some of your sentences and separate them with a coma instead, or even write some more words to make them flow better.

Then he took his seat. At the front of the class.

This could actually be one sentence, instead of two...

Then he sat down at a desk, away from me, at the front of the class.


Okay, okay, I'm done now! I would definitely want to read more... Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Oh, my gosh! This is the cutest first chapter I've come across so far! I like it soooo much. But, like anyone, there are a few things you could improve on.
The main thing I noticed was you could make it easier to read if you shortened things from "did not" to "didn't" and the trivial stuff like that.
Caleb sounds gorgeous! ^.^




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Oh, my gosh! This is the cutest first chapter I've come across so far! I like it soooo much. But, like anyone, there are a few things you could improve on.
The main thing I noticed was you could make it easier to read if you shortened things from "did not" to "didn't" and the trivial stuff like that.
Caleb sounds gorgeous! ^.^




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I think this is really good! I like the plot so far and the mystery that surrounds Caleb and Eva. Very nice! :) Though, it can definitely be improved. If I were you, I would take a break from this novel for a little while so that when you come back to it you won't remember the details and will have more of a reader's point of view. Also, I would most definitely take the advice of the other reviewers; they did a very good job at pointing out some of the flaws. My last comment would be to work on the characters a bit more. I would like to see some unique traits in even some of the less important characters; the total cliche was a bit of a turnoff. Overall, it was great! Keep on writing! :) I can't wait to find out what's up with Eva and Caleb. -Rachael:)
"Everything has beauty, just not everyone sees it." -Jen Meyers




We are great at fearing the wrong things.
— Hank Green