My Soul Soars to the Sky

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 323
Reviews 83
So, another poem from Crimson. Still a little rusty and needs to be polished up, but I think that it's alright so far.

The pitch
Black
Consumes my whole,
Swimming,
Deeper,
Into my soul.

The echoes
Reverberating
Throughout the hall,
Closer,
Faster,
I can’t feel at all.

The Dark
Face
Concealed in a cloak of jealousy,
Faster,
Closer,
To die must be my only destiny.

The knife
Glinting
As he raises my death high,
Plunges,
Downward,
My soul soars to the sky.
Last edited by Crimsona on Tue Aug 31, 2010 10:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Avatar (c) to Thalia - A great friend of mine




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10870
Reviews 318
Hey Crimson! I have one correction, but it's pretty vital: your soul sours to the sky. Sour isn't a verb, unfortunately. Hmm. That's kind of funny, though. I couldn't imagine a sour soul flitting up to the sky.

On the plus side, I really like the repetition you use throughout the poem. Repetition is a great quality of poetry, and it's hard to use it without being boring. You weren't boring at all, though, so congrats!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1193
Reviews 262
The echoes
Reverberating
Through the hall,
Closer,
Faster,
I can’t feel at all.


That line flows well enough, but I think it would flow better if you did "Throughout the hall." This is merely my opinion, but I think that adding the syllable will pick up the speed, matching it to the rest of the poem, instead of slowing it down.

My soul sours to the sky.


I believe you mean "soars," which is spelled with an A not a U.

Overall, I like this poem. The rhymes sound natural, not forced, though they are often perfect rhymes. I also like the flow, the structure. I like the message this holds, how, while not clearly saying that she is being murdered, you get a vivid picture of the happenings. It wasn't confusing, either, which can happen a lot in poetry.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 323
Reviews 83
xD I can't believe I spelt that wrong! -shot-

Thank you both for your feeback, I do agree with the 'Throughout' part, and will change that. :)
Thanks again!

~Crimmy
Avatar (c) to Thalia - A great friend of mine



My existence is political. And love is my statement.
— Kevin Abstract