Will Dream

You will dream--this night--and wade
into living rivers; wide eyes will wonder
at falling stars upon the night's breath.
The hum of pain will pass.

Mortal claims will pass--this night--and fade
into the stark abyss; new eyes will open
to falling rain upon the morning's lips.
This life is a new beauty.

You will fly tonight with wings spread
wide as the sky: angels will marvel
as you imbue their home with luster;
towards the light, you must soar.

Hello,

This is a nice poem, short and sweet and worded nicely... there is honestly nothing about this poem that I would change, it is very well writen...

You will fly tonight; your heart will
hum, call harmony with the gods,
and the emerald fields will be soft upon
newborn skin; tonight you will dream.

This is just so pretty!! The poem is easy to read and makes me want to go to sleep so I can dream!

Well done!

~Rain~

Wow, this is a realy beautiful poem. I honestly can't find anything that needs to be changed.
This poem is short sweet, an easy read and a really nice read too. Well done.

~Crimson

This was another excellent piece.. I don't know how you are able to convey so much vivid emotion in your words, but you do... great word choice and phrasing, again. Your style of writing is unique, and very well done. Great dreamlike quality to this one... nice job. c:

-Coral-

Hey there!

I liked this. It's short, but I like the way it was written. It made me envision a fantasy world. (xD)

One little nitpick:

Lumierre wrote:You will fly tonight; your heart will
hum, call harmony with the gods,
and the emerald fields will be soft upon
newborn skin; tonight you will dream.

I actually prefer the words in bold to be separated from the stanza. It gives a dramatic effect.

But overall, it's still a nice read. Keep up the good work!

Here is the shredding I promised you. :3

Unfortunately, there's not much to shred because there's not much substance to be shredded. This poem gives the impression of being deep with all the pretty details, but it ultimately leaves me unsatisfied. The poem is basically "You will dream, and this is some general pretty description of what you'll dream." There's no second layer of meaning that calls for such complexity of sentence structure; the punctuation, like the imagery, simply exists to make reading the poem more interesting without adding substance.

Now, you did do a very good job on varying the punctuation. The punctuation alone is varied enough to be visually interesting enough to have kept me reading, and you didn't make the mistake of putting too much emphasis on the novelty so that the flow was sacrificed. Your imagery as well was quite good, being concisely simple; if only it had more substance to it, more meaning behind it.

Now, there are a couple of potential layers of meaning you could easily incorporate, such as dreaming being a metaphor for the afterlife, life, or even both. Expanding this poem a little (even just one stanza) and including more subtle-but-still-noticeable allusions to a deeper level of meaning would give this poem the substance it sorely needs.

That said, I did still enjoy this. It was an easy read, and the punctuation in particular was interesting.

Hey Lums!

Kyll has done an excellent and clear critique which I have no real qualms with. I agree that the feeling here, the substance, is greatly lacking. I think I noticed this mostly because some of your phrases are lovely - “and wade/into living rivers” – but empty.

I think you can do better, and you’ve already begun improving in your other poems. The problem isn’t the lines, your punctuation or even the words themselves, it’s what you’re feeling when you write them. If you’re feeling nothing at all, you’ll get nothing from it. At least, this is what I feel most of the time. If I have an empty heart my words lack the weight they need to convey some message of understanding.

Think about what you’re trying to say, and then look at what you are saying. In the most literal sense: what does this poem say? Does it have a metaphor, an underlying meaning? Or is it merely surface pretty. I don’t find a lot of issue with surface pretty, I must say, as I write it most of the time. I do, however, think that you value more than this.

On the words/lines of the poem itself? They could definitely be better. The line I mentioned above is my favourite and probably the only specific line I would keep of the poem. The ideas in the other ones, words and slight images are good but not wonderful and I think you can improve on them easily.

Perhaps it is a contradiction to say that I like the poem, but also think it needs some hardcore considerate editing? But that is what I think.

Good luck, as always pm me if you change this!

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Hey!

This poem lacks something for me. I think its the fact I have a hard time really connecting with the emotions. A lot of poems I can feel the emotion the author put into it, but I am not sure I feel it here. I get more of the "I wrote this for English class" feel than "I had a lot of feelings in me and I needed to get them onto paper".

My exception to this are these two lines:

Mortal claims will pass--this night--and fade
into the stark abyss; new eyes will open

The dashes seem a little unnesesary, but besides this I felt like there was a bit more emotion in these two lines.

Anyways, I think it has a lot of potential, but I am not feeling it as of now.

Kay

This poem flows smoothly, and It is very nice. I wish there was something more for me to say but there really isn't.

This poem is beautiful, it flows nicely but I think it doesn't have to much imagery as I was imagining it would have. Though that is not always a problem in writing it just paints a better picture for the reader to well, read. (: My favorite part in this was

Lumi wrote:

You will fly tonight with wings spread
wide as the sky: angels will marvel
as you imbue their home with luster;
towards the light, you must soar.

this was very pretty and nice. Well thats about it, keep writing!

Hi. New here.

I like this poem very much. It has a gentle vibe about it. Very soft and sweet, like a lullaby.