Masquerade

This is another older poem, I'm posting it to see what needs done, please comment!!!

I’m twisting and turning,
in hatred and blame.
I’m dancing with an unlikely prince,
of cutting and pain.

All masks are on,
at this masquerade.
This ball full of secrets,
and hidden shame.

My mask hides the lies,
that are written in my eyes.
My sleeves hide the scars,
that are tattooed on my arms.

I’m twirling and whirling,
under a spell of dismay,
laughing with the ghosts,
that haunt me today.

The beautiful gowns,
shadow the loss of hope.
The empty little smiles,
cover up whats deep inside.

I’m slipping and falling,
under disembodying enchantments,
disorientated by the crowds,
of unfamiliar faces.

The mask will come off,
the custom of the ball.
But when the mask no longer hides me,
the room is just the same.

No one will see me,
as I slowly descent in to madness.
No one can help me,
this dance will go on.

SilentRain wrote:
I’m twisting and turning,
in hatred and blame.
I’m dancing with an unlikely prince, This is long and awkward when used with this rhyme scheme. I'd suggest changing it to "the prince." It will flow better.
of cutting and pain.

...

All masks are on,
at this masquerade.
This ball full of secrets,
and hidden shame. This is awkward. It needs another syllable to make it flow with the patterns you are creating. I'd consider, "and much hidden shame," though anything like that would work. That's only an example.\

...

The beautiful gowns,
shadow the loss of hope.
The empty little smiles,
cover up what's deep inside. What happened to the rhyming?

Overall, I think that this is a good piece, although some of the lines read awkwardly.

Also, one important thing I noticed is, you stopped the rhyming on the last four stanzas. Doing such an abrupt thing confuses the reader, makes them double back to make sure they didn't read it wrong, and it detracts from the flow that the pattern created.

I did like the concept, however, and the delivery was done fairly well. This is a nice piece.

loveness, ultraviolet

Powerful words. Example:

All masks are on,at this masquerade.This ball full of secrets,and hidden shame.

Additionally, I enjoyed the rhymes you provided such as,

My mask hides the lies,
that are written in my eyes.

Ultimately, I believe the ending could be stronger. Yet, that is only because I sought more rhymes.

as I slowly descent in to madness

Perhaps "in to" should be changed to "into". A very powerful piece yet, as the previous reviewer, I did find the structure occasionally 'awkward' in the sense that it either didn't follow earlier patterns of rhymes, or that the content just didn't encapsulate the full emotion of a masquerade. A masquerade is full of emotion. From suspense to mystery to romance, there are just so many key feelings which were excluded. However, the feeling of mystery was captured quite well.

"I’m slipping and falling,
under disembodying enchantments,
disorientated by the crowds,
of unfamiliar faces.
"

Just the mention of "disembodying enchantments" and "unfamiliar faces" arouses characteristics of the unknown. It gets complicated trying to point out what to "fix" as it depends on interpretation and your goal. Ultimately, I believe it is best to read this again and ask yourself the following questions.

1) Am I satisfied with what I was trying to depict?
2) As I read this, is it smooth and easy to follow in the sense that meaning(s) are easily interpreted?
3) Have I forgotten anything relevant to this topic?

Sincerely,
Elitehusky (Writing Name)

Hey SilentRain.

Please? Don't abuse the commas. It's one of the first thing I noticed on reading this poem, and an instant turn-off. It's simple: don't put a comma where you don't need one. It doesn't matter if you've just gone to the next line and for some reason think that it needs to be reinforced or somesuch--please, don't. It just breaks the flow of the poem, makes your sentences horribly awkward and ridiculous, syntax-wise. About three thirds of the time here, you should remove them so as to make the reading smoother. You've also got a couple sentence fragments that would, inversely, be better off linked by a comma or a semi-colon instead of cut off by a period, which makes them too distant from one another when the poem overall would benefit from a more obvious connection.

Your imagery also needs some work, in choice as in placement. 'Mask(s)' is on the first line of both second and third stanzas, a very obvious repetition, especially when your lines are this short. Try changing the word, or the stanzas themselves, to steer away from it, as it ruins the effect. Same thing in the second-to-last stanza, where 'mask' is repeated twice in four lines.
Same deal, if less grievous, here:

All masks are on,
at this masquerade.

A masquerade, by definition, involves masks. Why then so repetitive?

Getting a bit more nitpicky, maybe, but this:

My sleeves hide the scars,
that are tattooed on my arms.

reads very off to me. Scars are scars, tattoos are tattoos. The simile seems to fall flat, makes me vaguely think of scarification, and then that's not the prettiest of imagines so I'm back to shaking my head at it. Maybe it's just me.

On a finishing note: you don't seem to say all that much here. It's a lot of 'I'm miserable/in pain/shameful/angsting' generously sprinkled with dancing metaphors and little in the way of real story, resolution or even feeling, which is the worst thing here. C'mon, give us some punch here, something else than a little litany of twirls and lies and shame.

Well, at first glance I see you don't really have a rhyming scheme. You seem to be trying to make one though. I think you should have none at all or a constant one.

-I don't really get the concept here. Well, I get that this person is depressed, hated, and full of shame. But, there is no real story here. Nothing actually happens. I don't even feel anything. You are telling us your main character has feelings, but you don't show us. This makes the feelings seem fake. The ending especially bla. You didn't give us any resolution to this persons problems. There wasn't even a bang. I end up feeling confused on why you even wrote it. I am not sure if anyone else feels this way.

- You need to work on your imagery. You repeat a lot of the words and many of them could be replaced with ones that would give a deeper meaning. I suggest reading the poem out loud. Think about each word. Would it be better replaced? Try to avoid repetition.

- Another thing I noticed is that some of the lines seem short and choppy. I am not sure, but it could be because of all the commas. I am not saying that you need to get rid of all of them, but you seem to be kind of obsessed. In my opinion you don't need a comma at the end of a line unless you would use it in your sentence. Also the shortness of the lines made some of the rhymes, I am not sure how to put this, childish? Like, "eyes" and "lies". If they had been longer lines (even eternal rhyme) it would have been O.K., but when they were so close together it made it seem elementary. Sorry, I am being harsh, but all this is just my opinion.

SilentRain wrote:I’m twisting and turning,
in hatred and blame.
I’m dancing with an unlikely prince, I would change this too "I am", and even if you didn't this line seems long compared with the others in this stanza.
of cutting and pain.

All masks are on,
at this masquerade. Technically a masquerade is gathering of people wearing masks so why do you need to say they have masks on?
This ball full of secrets,
and hidden shame.

My mask hides the lies,
that are written in my eyes. Masquerade masks usually don't hide peoples eyes, so why would the mask hide the lies in this persons eyes. Even if you can't read someones facial expression eyes still can tell a lot.
My sleeves hide the scars,
that are tattooed on my arms. This made me pause. When you said scars I thought of scars from a battle or fire or something, but when you say tattooed I think of tattoos covering her skin. Now, I don't know what to think.

I’m twirling and whirling,
under a spell of dismay,
laughing with the ghosts,
that haunt me today.

The beautiful gowns,
shadow the loss of hope.
The empty little smiles,
cover up whats deep inside.

I’m slipping and falling,
under disembodying enchantments, This line just doesn't seem to fit in. It doesn't sway with the beat. It would be fine in a sentence, but it isn't very poetic.
disorientated by the crowds,
of unfamiliar faces.

Over all I would give this poem a 7 out of ten. It can certainly use improvement, but it does have the makings of a really wonderful poem with a deep meaning.

Hope I wasn't too harsh and I helped,

A. S.