Lemons,Adventurers and Girls one

This is apart of 400 and more series of stories I am writing.
I revolves around a group if writers that have their own company.
Short story short, they end up in Carantar, a major realm of everyone's dreams.
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It was a busy day at the Krom Network station. It was not any ordinary building, it was a warehouse from the 1920's, used for weapons at the time. Nowadays , the click of instant typing good be heard through out. It only housed 10 people many of them writers and drawers from all aspects of life. There were 3 executives, Talen Han, William Stalker and Evangeline Krom. The seven others were:

Sarah Donegood : a reporter, Moca Cow: over publications,Evon Crelly: clothing designer,Gwen Due When- scientist, Tommy Parker:artist,Feathery Pinile :writer and Angie Storm : assistant.

Life was good, thought Talen Han. He had set up this establishment three years ago, since then business boomed. he was working on rewriting The Slayers Of Wolve : Land of winter .Everything was quiet and there were only murmurs of keyboards and light talking. He had almost finished the last word of the second chapter when a scream went out.

Talen's Heart fluttered, holly Scott, he thought. He finished the last word and spun out of the room.
He met the others who had both came out of their rooms.
" What was that!" exclaimed Evange.
" It sounded like a girl screaming"William muttered.
Talen pulled out his walkie-talkie this better not be a prank." Big T to Coffee Cow, Is everyone alright?"
" gulp..Its Gwen Due when, she is bleeding, a lot! I all ready called the ambulance , everyone else is here, Feathery Pinile found her". He lowly whispered. How did this happen, nothing ever bad happened like this.

" Its Gwen, she's bleeding, hospital ambulance is coming", Talen ran off with the others gasping as he ran off. Moments later they followed suite."Freakish luck"muttered William.

"now,Moca where are you", Talen called into the walkie-talkie.
No response came from the other end." Moca!!" Talen shouted, how could this be happening.
" where is he?"Evange asked.
" There is a killer out on the lose.." Talen shook his head.
" how are we going to find the others?" William asked.

"to Gwen's Lab, they all have to be there",Talen muttered.
"but that is half-way on the other side of the warehouse", William spat.
"and what are we going to do,we can't abandon them and we are at risk with the killer",Evange shouted.
" She has a point",William sighed," it sounds like my book".
Talen stopped," this an old warehouse for weapons".
"so I carry some guns around". Talen removed from his belt four guns.
Evange backed away," I can't do it".
" my father got killed by guns", she explained.
" suite yourself", William took two guns and strapped them to his belt.
Talen strapped the rest to his belt," lets go".

" Well",William started," if I don't.."
Evange came upon him and kissed him on the lips.
Talen's mouth hung open,"really,that was unexpected".
They stayed that way until Talen interrupted," save facility remember".
They snapped out of it, Evange pale skin was now pink.
"Evange, you should do that more often". He exclaimed.

Talen had already ran off, with them others following him.
They were almost to the dim lighted part of the warehouse, when Moca's voice came from the walkie talkie.
"Talen,you there?"He asked.
" Yes , are you hurt?"Talen responded.
"No,but I had to turn off my walkie talkie." Moca spoke.
" you won't believe what is happening! It looks like Gwen has built a trans-dimensional transporter."
The walkie-Talkie talked out in the open, blasting through everyone's ears.
"a trans-dimensional teleporter no reason why..."William started.
There was a weering sound ,"Feathery Pinile don't touch it!"
Moca screamed," Holly cow, what the hell".
The walkie-talkie went dead." he's gone". Talen exclaimed.
"Talen,look up!" Evange shouted.
A intensely large green beam burst into the sky, and Talen felt the ground rumble.
They all scream as they felt the warehouse rise up with the green beam.
The selves started to fall."Run" shouted Talen as a shelve toppled in front of him, bouncing him back and and onto the ground.
"Talen'', William and Evange shouted.
William was about to run over when a piece of the ceiling hit him and he was knocked to the floor.
"William!'' Evange wailed,just before she dodged a piece of wood.
She looked up to she a large shelve falling down right over her.She narrowly dodged it landing into another which then toppled over."wonderful", as she felt herself fall unconscious.
This was the beginning of a brilliant adventure.

The title makes you want to read it! I thought it was dramatic and the good thing about having dramatic bits in a story is they make it better!

This is now Charlotte's dad writing.

The biggest issue by far, and I regret having to say this, is the sheer number of errors of one sort or another which made it very hard to not be distracted from the story line, which did indeed seem to be dramatic. For example in the first few paragraphs there are (I have underlined some of them):

It was a busy day at the Krom Network station. It was not any ordinary building, it was a warehouse from the 1920's, used for weapons at the time. Nowadays , the click of instant typing good be heard . It only housed 10 people many of them writers and drawers from all aspects of life. There were 3 executives, Talen Han, William Stalker and Evangeline Krom. The seven others were:

Sarah Donegood : a reporter, Moca Cow: over publications,Evon Crelly: clothing designer,Gwen Due When- scientist, Tommy Parker:artist,Feathery Pinile :writer and Angie Storm : assistant.

"Life was good," thought Talen Han. He had set up this establishment three years ago, since then (when)business had boomed. he was working on rewriting 'The Slayers Of Wolve ': Land of winter .Everything was quiet and there were only murmurs of keyboards and light talking. He had almost finished the last word of the second chapter when a scream went (rang?)out.

Talen's Heart fluttered, holly Scott, he thought. He finished the last word and spun out of the room.

He met the others who had both came out of their rooms.

" What was that!" exclaimed Evange.

" It sounded like a girl screaming,"William muttered.

In addition, you don't need a space after the first ".

I should have also said that it would be very good if you could fix all the little things (including making sure that the spaces between characters are accurate .For example, just before this sentence are two examples where I have spaced characters incorrectly.) and repost it in order that we can really enjoy the story. We look forward to that!

Hello CardDragon, Pink here. Dropping by for a short review.

Okay, the first paragraph wasn't really getting much attention but when the girl screamed I was like, "Whoa, what's going on?" So you had my attention there and I honestly thought this was an interesting story.
Of course though, there is always room for improvement and that first starts with grammar and punctuation.
You see, I noticed many little errors in here such as quotation punctuation.
Remember the placement of commas in the quote:
"Did she say that?" he asked.
"What?" he asked, scratching his head, "there's more to it?"
"Yes, I'll take that one, please." She picked up the cupcake and took a small nibble.
(Notice where I put the periods and the comma, what I capitalized and what I didn't.) If you're still having trouble be sure to google 'comma rules' or 'quotation rules', they have some good stuff where you can easily learn the tricks.
Now, with that being said, Most of this was dialog and there wasn't enough description to do it justice. Since it was dramatic, I definitely would recommend putting in more descriptions to give it more imagery and all.
Other than that, I think this has an awesome title and it's sure to catch a lot of attention. Keep at it!

~Pink