Untitled Excerpt--rough draft

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Hello all~ I'm new here owo
This is also my first time on a writing forum, so I'm a bit nervous. D8

Err, anyway, this is a little excerpt for a story I'm working on. It's a rough draft so I apologize for any spelling/grammar/any other error in advance!
I know I should do something about that infodump in the beginning (this isn't where the story starts, it's probably about halfway or more than halfway through, so the reader will probably know a bit more about the situation and what's going on then you would, and I'm sorry for that too. XDD), but I don't how to make it..less infodump-y. I feel like that stuff should be said, but at the same time half of it/all of it is probably unnecessary. Help? XD
But enough talking on my part, I should let this little bit speak for itself C:>



"What we need to do is cross the sea," Kaze insisted again, just barely keeping pace with the half-mage's quick strides. "There is little for us here, you know we don't have much money left. Why are we in this town anyway?"

The town she was referring to was Antonus. Nestled against the ocean, it was a quaint, personal little town to the far west. It was one of the only remaining ports on the eastern continent. Most of the others were destroyed by the ruthless Valen Corps. Naturally, the Empire had let it happen, ignoring the troubles its own people were causing.

The Empire often traded with the Factions despite their strained relations. Westlanders were not supposed to have any contact with the east, but Valen Corps had special treatment from the Empire--they always did what they pleased, and in no time at all most the port towns were gone. So it soon became law that they could not bother with the ports any longer, for the eastern continent had materials the west desperately wanted. The Empire turned a blind eye whenever the rather defenseless town was attacked--as long as they could rebuild and continue trade, the Empire said nothing.

Antonus flourished only in the demise of the neighboring ports. It was a busy town, with people scrambling back and forth between houses, frantically running about to complete their various daily tasks. Kids were playing in the streets, jumping in puddles that stood as reminders of last night's rain. Others were fighting one another with small wooden swords and pretending they were strong warriors or skilled rogues. The loud noises followed them everywhere, from seaworthy men having a robust conversation to the peal of children's laughter.

Cathal stopped, finally, after constant shouting on the girl's part. "When Jericho and Naodia return with the supplies, we will be crossing the sea."

"How, pray tell, are we going to do that? We don't have enough to hire a ship, and even if we were to hire one or stow away, Valen Corps patrol the waters. They check the ships thoroughly, we'd be caught and killed!"

"That is why, my dear mage, we're not going to hire a ship." He grinned down at her, continuing onward once more, without explanation. She followed him with little choice in the matter.

They were soon at the docks. Seagulls cawed overhead, their cries almost drowned out by the sound of crashing waves against the beach. The ocean breeze lashed out at them, nipping at bits of exposed skin and raising goosebumps along their arms. Salty sea air was quite refreshing after the long day's travels, but now was not the time to enjoy such luxuries. The mage folded her arms and glared, waiting for Cathal to finally let her in on this plan of his.

"As I was saying, we're not going to hire a ship." He gestured over his shoulder to the plethora of boats waiting patiently for their next trip on open waters. He was grinning from ear to ear. "We're going to take one."




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Hey its Isaac. I'll try and help you out here. I saw that you had a question about the info dump sorta thing. Welcome to YWS by the way!!!!
Anyways...now to the reviewing. I can see what you meant by info dump, but I also think that in some places you did a better job of preventing an info dump, I can also give some advice on how to do a bit more with that.
This was better,
Antonus flourished only in the demise of the neighboring ports. It was a busy town, with people scrambling back and forth between houses, frantically running about to complete their various daily tasks. Kids were playing in the streets, jumping in puddles that stood as reminders of last night's rain. Others were fighting one another with small wooden swords and pretending they were strong warriors or skilled rogues. The loud noises followed them everywhere, from seaworthy men having a robust conversation to the peal of children's laughter.

This is description of a town, not too much of an info dump, its more TELLING what the place is like. What I'd like to see more of is SHOWING what this place is like, show the effect of the Valen Corps on this town/village. That should help with your info dump problem as well. Also, if you can try and fit some of the info into dialog somehow, that should help too. However I understand the problems that come with starting partway through a story, so no worries. Also, I really like where this is going, keep it up and please post more. Just PM me if you have anymore questions or want more specifics.

- Isaac
-[user]Isaac[/user]




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I'll definitely work on that stuff and post a revision later. Thank you very much! C:




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Teehee! The first paragraph has so much awesomeness that it's hard to say how awesome it is. It's THIS awesome though. *flails*

Anyway! :D

You have this here!

The town she was referring to was Antonus. Nestled against the ocean, it was a quaint, personal little town to the far west. It was one of the only remaining ports on the eastern continent. Most of the others were destroyed by the ruthless Valen Corps. Naturally, the Empire had let it happen, ignoring the troubles its own people were causing.

The Empire often traded with the Factions despite their strained relations. Westlanders were not supposed to have any contact with the east, but Valen Corps had special treatment from the Empire--they always did what they pleased, and in no time at all most the port towns were gone. So it soon became law that they could not bother with the ports any longer, for the eastern continent had materials the west desperately wanted. The Empire turned a blind eye whenever the rather defenseless town was attacked--as long as they could rebuild and continue trade, the Empire said nothing.

Antonus flourished only in the demise of the neighboring ports. It was a busy town, with people scrambling back and forth between houses, frantically running about to complete their various daily tasks. Kids were playing in the streets, jumping in puddles that stood as reminders of last night's rain. Others were fighting one another with small wooden swords and pretending they were strong warriors or skilled rogues. The loud noises followed them everywhere, from seaworthy men having a robust conversation to the peal of children's laughter.


Instead of that, try something like:

"What we need to do is cross the sea," Kaze insisted again, just barely keeping pace with the half-mage's quick strides. "There is little for us here, you know we don't have much money left. Why are we in this town anyway?"

"Quiet."

"We'll never be able to afford anything at this rate. I mean, it's a pretty port town, so I suppose we might be able to get some fish. We can survive on that, if we have to. That is, I have some experience with fishing. But we have to buy some fishing supplies, and we just passed two tackle stalls already."

"We're not going to fish."

"We're not?"

"No."

"Then what are we going to do?" When Cathal didn't say anything, Kaze brushed her hair back. "I can bargain, if that's a problem," she said. "I'm good at bargaining. No bargain ever gets away from me. We'll get tackle in no time! Maybe even something else. And maybe we'll even catch enough fish to get away from here -- oh!"

Kaze nearly ran into a boy, waving around a wooden sword and trying to hide away from a horde of children chasing after him. "Do need help little boy?" she asked gently. He hit her in the knees with his wooden sword and ran away. "You stop, you little boy!" she cried.

Cathal finally stopped, grinning humorless at Kaze. "Don't get mad. He's just a boy."

"Just a boy!"

"Check your purse."

Kaze put her hand instinctively down where her purse was. It was missing. "That little thief!" She turned to Cathal, horrified. "That was all the money we had."

"Funny, isn't it?" When he saw Kaze's face, he patted her on the arm. "When Jericho and Naodia return with the supplies, we will be crossing the sea."

*************

SO. That was a very, very, very rough draft. It sucks on so many levels that it's not even funny. But, here's what it DID do. It introduced the idea that, yes, this is a port town that is bustling. It has little children with wooden swords. We don't know that it's undefended... but that will come later.

Also, there's more character interaction. I made Kaze a chatty cathy, because I am an awful person like that and I love characters who talk much more than they should. She may or may not be like this in the actual story -- I don't know! But it gave us a sense of her character and of his.

It also has a bit more action. It's suckily put, mind you, and I'm sure you can write something five million times better. But at least it's action-packed!

So see if you can incorporate more of the info dump into the story, rather than fitting the story to the info dump. :)

The ending is awesome. I'd like to see them steal a boat. XD
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