The Kirja (Chapter Two)

So, here comes chapter two! Critique is greatly appreciated, and if you can't wait for the next chapters to come out, you can find the seven so far, here: http://www.thekirja.webs.com - you can also leave feedback there and/or become a member so you can get the latest updates. Thank you,


Chapter 2 – Fire and Water

True knew when she was beaten. She lowered her head in submission.

“I know Lakea. We must go after him, who knows what trouble he could get himself into.” Lakea was pleased that True understood and knew that they must leave at once before she could change her mind.

“Let’s go then!” she cried, leaping off her rock into the shallow water. She splashed her sister who growled, but this time she didn’t mind getting wet. Lakea scrambled up the steep bank on the other side and put her nose to the ground, she hadn’t been taught tracking by her parents, but she had seen her father track voles in the grass, so if she could just find Hail’s scent, then they would be half done. It took Lakea a good five minutes to find her brothers scent, True watched her intently, she loved her sister and wanted to be just like her. Then Lakea sped off through the long grass, her pads thudding against the hard rocky ground. “Come on True!” she called back over her shoulder to her, but sister True was far behind.

‘Oh no,’ thought True, desperately trying to untangle herself from a thorn bush she had managed to get stuck in, ‘Lakea has gone without me!’

It hadn’t taken Lakea long to realise that she needed to go back for her sister and soon she was by True’s side and helping her out of the thorns.

“You’ve got to be more careful True!” she said sternly, but True only laughed, knowing that her sister wasn’t really cross with her. “Now please stay by my side, I’ll go slower this time.” Lakea was true to her word and loped for the rest of the way until they found a small clearing in the trees. Lakea’s body stiffened and her ears pricked. True was straight to her side and smelt the air.

“This smells odd, what is it sister?” Lakea turned to her sister, her eyes were wide like she had just seen a spirit.

“Two Legs.” True gasped.

“But... that was just a story... there aren’t any-“

It was at that moment when four two legged creatures stepped out, they held long sticks in their hands.

“Hide!” whispered Lakea and nudged her sister behind a fallen tree. True watched the humans intently and with intense concentration. It felt like a very long time before they had gone, but when they had the air felt fresh and clean again, but True was almost sad that such a fascinating encounter only lasted for a short while. “I hope that Hail is alright, the scent trail ended at this clearing so I assume that he hid from the Two Legs when he saw them.” True nuzzled her sister to assure her that he would be okay. No sooner had this been said when a maroon pup raced round a bend to meet them, crying

“Fire!” Lakea and True spun round to see that the pup was right, the trees behind them were ablaze and inamidst of the fire was a wolf. Not just any wolf... Kajj. The maroon pup skidded to a holt beside the two sisters and turned to face them. “Sisters?” he whispered, for it was Hail.

“Hail!” True and Lakea gasped at the same time and nuzzled him but he pushed them away. Through the fire the youngsters could see a wolf, whose gaze was full of sorrow, but also anger. It transfixed them for a couple of seconds, but then they were back to earth again. The wolf looked slightly familiar now, and it was controlling the flames so that there was a back between them. They could see now that it was their mother, Kajj. Everywhere that Kajj gazed, new flames were born and caught alight to the first thing that they touched. The three siblings were petrified and panted to the intense heat. But Hail had no time for this 'slight problem'.

He turned to his sisters angrily

“Why did you follow me?” he was angry now, and wasn’t pleased to see them. True and Lakea were just about to answer when there was a booming voice coming from the clearing in the flames. Their mother was angry as well.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” she boomed. Kajj looked different, her fur looked as though it was on fire and was controlling the fire to surround the whole of the clearing.

“We have to get out of here.” True whispered to her siblings, and they agreed, they had to think of something.

“WHY WOULD YOU ESCAPE YOUR OWN MOTHER AND FATHER?!” she cried, but she didn’t just sound angry now, she sounded sad as well.

“True, you have to go up to her, she likes you the most, go on about how we bribed you to do it, how you never wanted to, add some little wails into the equasion, then Hail and I will sneak out through that small gap in the flames.” Lakea pointed her muzzle at the gap in the flames that was slowly closing up. True was petrified, and shook madly.

“But... what do I do when you’ve sneaked past?” she asked sensibly. But neither Lakea nor Hail knew the answer to that. Then the plan came into action. Slowly and shakily, True walked up to her mother while Lakea and Hail ducked down into the long grass.

True spoke to her mother loudly, for the roar of the fire was incredibly loud and very frightening.

“Mother, I’m sorry! I don’t know what I was thinking!” she wailed laying her head in her paws. Kajj tilted her head in surprise, what was her daughter doing? “They bribed me mother, I was hungry, Hail had caught a mouse and said that if I came with him and Lakea I would get some... Every step I took my heart tore a little more, I can’t bear it mother!” She cowered in the gorse while her mother’s face still looked a picture. While Kajj was occupied with True, Lakea and Hail crept closer to the gap, which had stopped continuing to close. Lakea leapt through it closely followed by her brother, both showed no fear. True continued to keep her mother talking until she realised that her two other children were missing.

“True!” she cried angrily “Where are they?” True desperately tried to look around in confusion, but her mother didn’t buy it. “You know what True?” she said finally. True shook her head. “I don’t care if they run off. But you go and tell them that I don’t want them EVER to come back.” True gulped and with that, her mother loped off into the darkness. True just stood there, staring at the scorched leaves where her mother had stood, inside the ring of flames and wailed to high heaven. Lakea and Hail of course could not hear her wailing because of the roar of the fire, but Lakea knew that something was wrong.

“Stay there Hail, I’m going back for True.” And before her brother could object, she raced back into the flames. The hole was smaller than ever now, and she scorched the tip of her tail as she dived through the gap. True was whimpering and wailing in the gorse thicket, but Lakea ignored her wails and grabbed her by the scruff to tear back through the fire and into the safety of the banks of a large lake. Hail greeted them with a wag of his tail.

“So, you escaped?” he asked excitedly, though he was near to petrified he was very impressed with his sister’s bravery. True looked at her paws and bent her head down to nibble at a piece of grass.

“Not quite...” she murmured quietly. Lakea and Hail both shot worried glances at their small young sister. “She’s... deserted us.

Hi! Me again. XD

Right. So, you'll be pleased to hear, I'm not gonna go on about showing not telling in this review! It felt much less rushed and more dramatic. That said, there are still plenty of things to work on.

‘Oh no,’ thought True, desperately trying to untangle herself from a thorn bush she had managed to get stuck in, ‘Lakea has gone without me!’

It's better to put thoughts in italics. Also, would she really think that? "Oh no," isn't a particularly frightened or desperate exclamation. "Darnit!" or something along those lines would convey panic better (Or a swearword. I'm not saying they're good but sometimes they're the most realistic thing). Also, it would make it sound more natural if you abbreviated it to "Lakea's gone". Okay, so they're wolves not people, but that doesn't mean they have to sound like characters from a Victorian novel or something.

“Fire!” Lakea and True spun round to see that the pup was right, the trees behind them were ablaze and inamidst of the fire was a wolf. Not just any wolf... Kajj. The maroon pup skidded to a holt beside the two sisters and turned to face them. “Sisters?” he whispered, for it was Hail.

This paragraph confused me a lot. I couldn't remember who Kajj was (and other readers may well not) and the way you phrased it it sounded like Kajj was the maroon pup, but then you said that was Hail... So, yeah, I would advise making it clearer here that both Kajj and Hail are there, and that Kajj is their mother.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” she boomed.

You tell us that she booms it, so you don't need capslock to show she's shouting. It looks kinda odd, so I would advise just having it in lowercase.

“WHY WOULD YOU ESCAPE YOUR OWN MOTHER AND FATHER?!” she cried, but she didn’t just sound angry now, she sounded sad as well.

If she sounds sad then you definitely don't need capslock. Also, putting a question mark and an exclamation mark together is generally not a good idea. Go with either one or the other. Also, what she says doesn't really make sense. It would be better to say "Why would you want to escape" or "Why would you try to escape" or something like that.

“I don’t care if they run off. But you go and tell them that I don’t want them EVER to come back.”

I found this strange. It was just a chapter ago you were describing her as a loving mother giving birth, and now she's abandoning her pups and leaving one of them trapped in a circle of fire? That's a major turnaround and you don't give any explanation as to why.

So, overall, this was quite a good chapter. As well as the things I already mentioned, I would advise showing the characters emotions more. Show how terrified True feels when trapped in the fire circle, describe how she feels when her mother abandons them. Make the reader feel involved.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to when you post the next chapter of this

Thank you so much!I've taken this all into account, and I have Pm'd you. (again >.<)

Hi! It's me again. I'm going to be as thorough as possible with this review. I still find quite a few grammatical errors, a good way to combat that is by reading about grammar online, and also by even using Word's grammar checker. Word isn't as thorough, but it should help. :] Now, red is grammar, green is word choice change suggestions, and blue is my commentary.

True knew when she was beaten. She lowered her head in submission.

“I know, Lakea. We must go after him; who knows what trouble he could get himself into,” Lakea was pleased that True understood and knew that they must leave at once before she could change her mind.

“Let’s go then!” she cried, leaping off her rock into the shallow water. She splashed her sister who growled, but this time she didn’t mind getting wet. Lakea scrambled up the steep bank on the other side and put her nose to the ground, she hadn’t been taught tracking by her parents, but she had seen her father track voles in the grass, so if she could just find Hail’s scent, then they would be half done. It took Lakea a good five minutes to find her brothers scent. True watched her intently; she loved her sister and wanted to be just like her. Then Lakea sped off through the long grass, her pads thudding against the hard, rocky ground. “Come on True!” she called back over her shoulder to her, but sister True was far behind. Um, while it isn't grammatically incorrect, "sister" is pretty unnecessary, and reads awkwardly.

Oh no, thought True, desperately trying to untangle herself from a thorn bush she had managed to get stuck in, Lakea has gone without me! Direct thought quotations are in italics. Also, realistically, would she be thinking "oh no?" More realistic would be what the reviewer before me said, or something colloquial like "Crap!"

It hadn’t taken Lakea long to realise that she needed to go back for her sister and soon she was by True’s side and helping her out of the thorns.

“You’ve got to be more careful, True!” she said sternly, but True only laughed, knowing that her sister wasn’t really cross with her. “Now please stay by my side; I’ll go slower this time,” Lakea was true to her word and loped for the rest of the way until they found a small clearing in the trees. Lakea’s body stiffened and her ears pricked. True was straight to her side and smelt the air.

“This smells odd. What is it, sister?” Lakea turned to her sister, her eyes were wide like she had just seen a spirit. The two instances of sister so close together are a bit redundant.

“Two Legs.” True gasped.

“But... that was just a story... there aren’t any-"

It was at that moment when four two legged creatures stepped out, they held long sticks in their hands.

“Hide!” whispered Lakea and nudged her sister behind a fallen tree. True watched the humans intently and with intense concentration. Again, "intently and with intense concentration" is kind of awkward. The two words are phonetically similar and mean close to the same thing. For this part, I'd suggest choosing either "intently" or the other one, and scrap one that you didn't pick. It felt like a very long time before they had gone, but when they had the air felt fresh and clean again, but True was almost sad that such a fascinating encounter only lasted for a short while. Here, it's rather contradictory. You say that it felt like a long time, but then True is upset that it only lasted a short time. Which is it? “I hope that Hail is alright. the scent trail ended at this clearing so I assume that he hid from the Two Legs when he saw them.” <--I'll go over this in plot section. True nuzzled her sister to assure her that he would be okay. No sooner had this been said when a maroon pup raced round a bend to meet them, crying

“Fire!” I can see what you were trying to do here, by playing up the drama of the moment. But, sadly, I don't know how to correct it, if need be, because I've never seen that done before. Sorry. Lakea and True spun round to see that the pup was right, the trees behind them were ablaze and inamidst of This part. I'd suggest "amidst" because inadmidst isn't a word and "of" is unnecessary; "amidst" takes care of that. the fire was a wolf. Not just any wolf... Kajj. The maroon pup skidded to a halt beside the two sisters and turned to face them. “Sisters?” he whispered, for it was Hail.

“Hail!” True and Lakea gasped at the same time and nuzzled him, but he pushed them away. Through the fire the youngsters could see a wolf, whose gaze was full of sorrow, but also anger. It transfixed them for a couple of seconds, but then they were back to earth again. The wolf looked slightly familiar now, and it was controlling the flames so that there was a back between them. They could see now that it was their mother, Kajj. You just introduced her in the paragraph above...that takes any surprise or drama from this bit, and begins to sound repetitive. I suggest taking away the intro in the above paragraph and introduce her to the scene here, because this one works much better.Everywhere that Kajj gazed, new flames were born and caught alight to the first thing that they touched. The three siblings were petrified and panted because of the intense heat. "To" didn't really fit, so I replaced it. You can use any myriad prepositions, but "to the intense heat" makes no sense. But Hail had no time for this "slight problem."

He turned to his sisters angrily, “Why did you follow me?” he was angry now, and wasn’t pleased to see them. I suggest making this one paragraph. Also, editing. Because you use "angrily" and "angry" in the same sentence, very redundant. Also, the reader realizes that he wouldn't be pleased if he was angry. xD So you don't need that. True and Lakea were just about to answer when there was a booming voice coming from the clearing in the flames. Their mother was angry as well.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” she boomed. You don't need to use caps lock. xD If you want to emphasize this, use italics...or just leave it in regular lowercase. Your readers can figure out the tone. :] Also, you use "booming" and "boomed" twice in three sentences. You might wanna change that. Kajj looked different; her fur looked as though it was on fire and was controlling the fire to surround the whole of the clearing.

“We have to get out of here,” True whispered to her siblings, and they agreed. They had to think of something.

“WHY WOULD YOU ESCAPE YOUR OWN MOTHER AND FATHER?!” she cried, but she didn’t just sound angry now, she sounded sad as well. You're telling rather than showing...but I won't harp on that. :]

“True, you have to go up to her; she likes you the most. Go on about how we bribed you to do it, how you never wanted to, and add some little wails into the equation. Hail and I will sneak out through that small gap in the flames.” Lakea pointed her muzzle at the gap in the flames that was slowly closing up. True was petrified, and shook madly.

“But... what do I do when you’ve sneaked past?” she asked sensibly. But neither Lakea nor Hail knew the answer to that. Then the plan came into action. Telling...you don't need to state that the plan was enacted. You can just show it by... Slowly and shakily, True walked up to her mother while Lakea and Hail ducked down into the long grass. this sentence. You show the plan being put into action just fine here.

True spoke to her mother loudly, for the roar of the fire was incredibly loud and very frightening. Here, I don't think you need "for the...." because that is telling. Maybe you could end the sentence after loudly, then say something like, "Her voice was lost in the frightening roar of the fire." or something.

“Mother, I’m sorry! I don’t know what I was thinking!” she wailed, laying her head in her paws. Kajj tilted her head in surprise, what was her daughter doing? “They bribed me mother, I was hungry, Hail had caught a mouse and said that if I came with him and Lakea, I would get some... Every step I took my heart tore a little more. I can’t bear it mother!” She cowered in the gorse while her mother’s face still looked a picture. While Kajj was occupied with True, Lakea and Hail crept closer to the gap, which had stopped continuing to close. Lakea leapt through it closely followed by her brother, both showed no fear. True continued to keep her mother talking until she realised that her two other children were missing.

“True!” she cried angrily, “where are they?” True desperately tried to look around in confusion, but her mother didn’t buy it. “You know what, True?” she said finally. True shook her head. “I don’t care if they run off. But you go and tell them that I don’t want them EVER to come back.” Grammatically speaking, you should consider splitting this up...your dialogue is buried under narration, and that is never a good thing. I'll address the plot aspects in a bit. :]True gulped, and with that, her mother loped off into the darkness. True just stood there, staring at the scorched leaves where her mother had stood, inside the ring of flames and wailed to high heaven. Lakea and Hail of course could not hear her wailing because of the roar of the fire, but Lakea knew that something was wrong. You don't need the "of course," because that's insisting that the reader already knows...and they don't. Not really. xD

“Stay there Hail, I’m going back for True.” And before her brother could object, she raced back into the flames. The hole was smaller than ever now, and she scorched the tip of her tail as she dived through the gap. True was whimpering and wailing in the gorse thicket, but Lakea ignored her wails "Wailing" and "wails." Add some variety in there! and grabbed her by the scruff to tear back through the fire and into the safety of the banks of a large lake. Hail greeted them with a wag of his tail.

“So, you escaped?” he asked excitedly, though he was near to petrified he was very impressed with his sister’s bravery. True looked at her paws and bent her head down to nibble at a piece of grass.

“Not quite...” she murmured quietly. Lakea and Hail both shot worried glances at their small young sister. “She’s... deserted us."

Plot:
First off, when Lakea said that spiel about assuming Hail would hide and whatnot, it didn't quite fit the character. They're wolf pups. They've never encountered Two Legs and they've (from what the reader is told) never been taught what to do when Two Legs are around. So, her saying that makes no sense, and also sounds very matter-of-fact for a pup. Just something to think of.

Later, Kajj abandons her pups. This also makes no sense. In the previous chapter she was a *somewhat* loving mother, disregarding Hail's burnt soul. So abandoning them over something relatively small, (I mean, they're just pups. They're curious...right?) is off. Also, she yells at True and Lakea uncontrolled for the first time, worse than she yelled at Hail. How come their souls are still intact?

Also, you tell readers that Lakea is the troublemaker. But you don't show it. Not even in this chapter. You also say that she is her father's favorite, but that isn't shown either. You might want to revise those parts.

Overall:
Again, this piece has a lot of potential, and wasn't bad at all. You captured my attention much better in this chapter than the last, and you did a lot less telling in this chapter and instead showed more. Good job!

Anyway, I think I've given you plenty to think about here in this review. PM me if you have any questions. (:

~Sporks

Thanks again Sporks, this was really useful, and like the feedback in your last review, I will certainly take it into account. I will double check all my grammar in the third chapter before I post it.

Alright, and here I am again! I'll pretend I didn't read the last two reviews and do things my way again xD (I always do that.)
Once again:
Stuff that was iffy or needs correction in red!
Stuff I thought was epic and that I liked in purple!
My comments in bold!

Crimsona wrote:

Chapter 2 – Fire and Water

True knew when she was beaten. She lowered her head in submission.

“I know Lakea. We must go after him, who knows what trouble he could get himself into.” Lakea was pleased that True understood and knew that they must leave at once before she could change her mind.

“Let’s go then!” she cried, leaping off her rock into the shallow water. She splashed her sister who growled, but this time she didn’t mind getting wet. Lakea scrambled up the steep bank on the other side and put her nose to the ground, she hadn’t been taught tracking by her parents, but she had seen her father track voles in the grass, so if she could just find Hail’s scent, then they would be half done. This is a bit of a run-on sentence. Is there anywhere you think you could break it in half? It took Lakea a good five minutes to find her brothers scent, True watched her intently, she loved her sister and wanted to be just like her. Then Lakea sped off through the long grass, her pads thudding against the hard rocky ground. “Come on True!” she called back over her shoulder to her, but sister Hmm...You don't really need the 'sister', but if you wanted to keep it, it needs a coma. True was far behind.

‘Oh no,’ I've seen this done before for thoughts, though usually people use italics to indicate them. thought True, desperately trying to untangle herself from a thorn bush she had managed to get stuck in, ‘Lakea has gone without me!’

It hadn’t taken Lakea long to realise that she needed to go back for her sister and soon she was by True’s side and helping her out of the thorns.

“You’ve got to be more careful True!” she said sternly, but True only laughed, knowing that her sister wasn’t really cross with her. “Now please stay by my side, I’ll go slower this time.” Lakea was true to her word and loped for the rest of the way until they found a small clearing in the trees. Lakea’s body stiffened and her ears pricked. True was straight to her side and smelt the air.

“This smells odd, what is it sister?” Lakea turned to her sister, her eyes were wide like she had just seen a spirit.

“Two Legs.” True gasped.

“But... that was just a story... there aren’t any-“ I don't know why it did this, but the quotation mark is facing the wrong way. xD

It was at that moment when four two legged creatures stepped out, they held long sticks in their hands.

“Hide!” whispered Lakea and nudged her sister behind a fallen tree. True watched the humans intently and with intense concentration. It felt like a very long time before they had gone, but when they had the air felt fresh and clean again, but True was almost sad that such a fascinating encounter only lasted for a short while. Too many 'but's'...Split it into two sentences instead. “I hope that Hail is alright, the scent trail ended at this clearing so I assume that he hid from the Two Legs when he saw them.” True nuzzled her sister to assure her that he would be okay. No sooner had this been said when a maroon pup raced round a bend to meet them, crying.

“Fire!” Lakea and True spun round to see that the pup was right, the trees behind them were ablaze and inamidst of the fire was a wolf. Not just any wolf... Kajj. The maroon pup skidded to a holt beside the two sisters and turned to face them. “Sisters?” he whispered, for it was Hail.

“Hail!” True and Lakea gasped at the same time and nuzzled him but he pushed them away. Through the fire the youngsters could see a wolf, whose gaze was full of sorrow, but also anger. It transfixed them for a couple of seconds, but then they were back to earth again. The wolf looked slightly familiar now, and it was controlling the flames so that there was a back between them. They could see now that it was their mother, Kajj. Everywhere that Kajj gazed, new flames were born and caught alight to the first thing that they touched. The three siblings were petrified and panted to the intense heat. But Hail had no time for this 'slight problem'.

He turned to his sisters angrily.

“Why did you follow me?” he was angry now, and wasn’t pleased to see them. True and Lakea were just about to answer when there was a booming voice coming from the clearing in the flames. Their mother was angry as well.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” she boomed. Kajj looked different, her fur looked as though it was on fire and was controlling the fire to surround the whole of the clearing.

“We have to get out of here.” True whispered to her siblings, and they agreed, they had to think of something.

“WHY WOULD YOU ESCAPE YOUR OWN MOTHER AND FATHER?!” she cried, but she didn’t just sound angry now, she sounded sad as well. I can't say why for sure, but the 'as well' seemed to ruin the flow. Other than that, I really liked this sentence.

“True, you have to go up to her, she likes you the most, go on about how we bribed you to do it, how you never wanted to, add some little wails into the equasion, then Hail and I will sneak out through that small gap in the flames.” Lakea pointed her muzzle at the gap in the flames that was slowly closing up. True was petrified, and shook madly.

“But... what do I do when you’ve sneaked past?” she asked sensibly. But neither Lakea nor Hail knew the answer to that. Then the plan came into action. Slowly and shakily, True walked up to her mother while Lakea and Hail ducked down into the long grass.

True spoke to her mother loudly, for the roar of the fire was incredibly loud and very frightening.

“Mother, I’m sorry! I don’t know what I was thinking!” she wailed laying her head in her paws. Kajj tilted her head in surprise, what was her daughter doing? “They bribed me mother, I was hungry, Hail had caught a mouse and said that if I came with him and Lakea I would get some... Every step I took my heart tore a little more, I can’t bear it mother!” Loved this little bit of dialogue. It reminded me of when my siblings suck up to my parents. xD She cowered in the gorse while her mother’s face still looked a picture. Where I highlighted in red should probably be the start of a new paragraph. While Kajj was occupied with True, Lakea and Hail crept closer to the gap, which had stopped continuing to close. Lakea leapt through it closely followed by her brother, both showed no fear. True continued to keep her mother talking until she realised that her two other children were missing.

“True!” she cried angrily “Where are they?” True desperately tried to look around in confusion, but her mother didn’t buy it. “You know what True?” she said finally. True shook her head. “I don’t care if they run off. But you go and tell them that I don’t want them EVER to come back.” True gulped and with that, her mother loped off into the darkness. True just stood there, staring at the scorched leaves where her mother had stood, inside the ring of flames and wailed to high heaven. Lakea and Hail of course could not hear her wailing because of the roar of the fire, but Lakea knew that something was wrong.

“Stay there Hail, I’m going back for True.” And before her brother could object, she raced back into the flames. The hole was smaller than ever now, and she scorched the tip of her tail as she dived through the gap. True was whimpering and wailing in the gorse thicket, but Lakea ignored her wails and grabbed her by the scruff to tear back through the fire and into the safety of the banks of a large lake. Hail greeted them with a wag of his tail.

“So, you escaped?” he asked excitedly, though he was near to petrified he was very impressed with his sister’s bravery. True looked at her paws and bent her head down to nibble at a piece of grass.

“Not quite...” she murmured quietly. Lakea and Hail both shot worried glances at their small young sister. “She’s... deserted us."

D'awwe!! That last bit made me sad
I liked a lot about this chapter, even though I didn't highlight much in shiny purple!
This is because where I liked it, I usually liked the paragraph as a whole, and I have this thing against highlighting whole paragraphs...>.>

Anyways. There are still a few run-on sentences and paragraphs that should probably be split into two in this chapter. It's the sort of thing I'd pay close attention to for now.

Other than that, I am still really enjoying this story and I still can't wait to see how it turns out! I like the pups and the way that they're all different. Lots of the time, a writer will make characters that are very much the same. Or even start out different and end up very similar as the story progresses. I have one plea;
Do not let that happen here! Just 'cause I love unique characters.

Thanks again for the read and I hope to see the next chapter on YWS soon!

Thanks Isha! I'll definitly take the run on sentences and paragraphs into account.

Third chapter will be up... now? xD

Hello there!

Here for my second review.

Seeing that a lot of good critiques have covered pretty much of the piece, I won't do any more a line by line review, okay?

He turned to his sisters angrily.

One of the most important rule when writing, show don't tell.

True, you have to go up to her, she likes you the most, go on about how we bribed you to do it, how you never wanted to, add some little wails into the equasion, then Hail and I will sneak out through that small gap in the flames.”

This is a very long sentence, just separate this into two or fewer sentences. And what is "equasion", I think you meant to say "equation" or something.

True knew when she was beaten. She lowered her head in submission.

In my opinion, introductory sentences are very important to attract your reader's attention to this. So we would get confused as to why and how True got beaten or something. So, just don't jump on directly into something problematic here.

Plot:

The flow and everything is good. And just to say your verb consistency is impressive but I just want to clarify something about your punctuations. Sometimes you need a period instead of a comma. It's because run-on sentences are quite long to understand and read. As fr the plot itself, it is interesting. However, considering your critique's suggestion will make this piece even stronger and better. And again, describe your main character's surroundings more vivid and clear.

Characters:

I don't quite like the mother, she's pretty unrealistic. She goes like she doesn't care anymore of her children and that she doesn't want them anymore. And to say that, she's a mother. So probably, give her a slight of something feminine or soft personality here. Give her time to understand things and to not get angry that easily. But aside of these things, most of your characters are well-written.

When all's said and done, this is pretty interesting but it got me confuse a little. However, don't worry though because this really has potential. So just read this aloud and know your errors. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

EDIT: And by the way, I thank you for the wait and hope this is probably worth the wait. XD

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Thanks again Yuri! I have been working on this chapter and will work again to make it as good as possible. Thanks so much for your critique.

Review Part Two:

Word Tag Syndrome-
It's the name writers give to the habit of using lots of fancy word tags like 'boomed' and 'whispered' all the time, when 'said' would work just fine. 'Said' is a cool little word that is used so often that it blends into the background, so it's fine to use it all the time and in most cases your reader won't even noticed. With fancy word tags it's easier to spot when you repeat one, or when you use strange ones because you're running out. In school your teachers will probably tell you not to use 'said' all the time, but if you are to take writing up as a hobby, throw that little rule out the window.

Run through a run through:
"He turned to his sisters angrily... he was angry now... mother was angry as well." repitition should always be avoided, especially when it occurs in as close proximity as these are to eachother - the same paragraph. You should always read through your work at least once to check solely for; basic punctuation, complete sentences, and repitition. I haven't noticed any sentence problems here, but both punctuation and repitition can slip under the radar during the general editing process, so be wary of things like that.

Head in paws...
Wolves are like dogs in their nature, so even if you can't sit and observe wolves in your back yard, I'm sure you can find a dog somewhere. Check out their habits and how they react to things. For dogs, if they're being scolded, their ears drop flat against their head, or they bow their head but still look up. When a dog suddenly drops its head in its paws it's generally a playful gesture. Just think of wolves as dogs who haven't been pampered by humans.

To chapter three.