Diary

I am seething,
the roiling words overtaking me.

My eyes fill with tears,
My mouth with foul words.

The paper is blank, creamy white, a relief.
Blue lines crisp and clear.

I form the first word then the next.
My letters are neat and controlled.

But, soon my hand quickens.
I am unstoppable, my anger escaping through the ink.

I don't slow until all the thoughts, the feelings,
the secrets I can't say out loud are no longer heavy.

They are still mine, yet the burden is eased.
With a flourish I sign my name.

~So I think this is an O.K. poem, but could use improvement. I have tried, but don't like what I come up with. Please review harshly!~

A.S.

P.S. could you help me with the name?

it was a good poem, i think that when you right something, re-read it 10 times or so, to see what types of words you can change to make it deeper.

I agree with the above reviewer. Often, the first drafts of a poem are very rough. The best way to dig deeper is to keep writing. Write every word or phrase that comes to mind for each line. Pick the lines and words that best describe how you feel. Don't give up or settle for the superficial. This is a great start, but it you keep working and digging, something a lot more beautiful may manifest itself.

Thankyou!

A. S.

Hi there-
Nice piece.. I myself have never been able to enjoy using a diary, so I gave it up, and just write other things instead. However, I know many people find a sanctuary in them.

Like I said, nice piece. I think that perhaps the feeling of weightiness could be described more, as well as the relief afterwards. There could be more of a contrast. I think it was nice as is, but I have to agree with you in that it could be better. It didn't hit as hard as it could.

Nice job though.

-Coral-

Thanks for requesting a review!

I liked this poem, it was pretty good, could use some work though...

The blank paper, white, a relief.
Blue lines crisp and clear.

I think that this stanza might be better like this

The paper is blank, white, a relief,
the blue lines crisp and clear.

I think this sounds better...

I am unstoppable, anger flows out through the ink

Try this,

I am unstoppable,
anger flowing out through the ink

I think you could also elaborate on this, add a stanza saying how that calms you how through the "ink" your anger is soothed.

I don't slow until all the thoughts, the things,
The secrets I can't say out loud are no longer mine.

Try this,

I don't slow until all the thoughts, the feelings,
The secrets I can't say out loud are no longer mine.

Things is a word that I don't think should be used in poetry much, it can be so easily replaced with a better word that means something...

They are not my burden to bear.
With a flourish I sign my name.

Try this,

They are no longer my burden to bear.
With a flourish I sign my name. I don't know, I think that adding something about the burden now belonging to the Diary would be better here...

Then you could write another stanza with the line "With a flourish I sigh my name" I like that as an ending...

Overall, I liked this poem, the title is okay, kinda common but I can't really think of anything to change it to... I have trouble naming my poems a lot so...

Hope this helps,

~Rain~

Thank you! All of you really helped. I will try to make some changes.

A. S.

Hello, Flower here, and I will be your reviewer for the evening.

[quote="Calligraphy"]I am seething I think that you should put a comma after seething. It isn't nesessary, but I think it would give a stronger affect.
About to boil over Imagery is a very strong thing in poetry. I think that this seems a bit to bland. I would give something like, "I am seething, like a overflowing pot." Or something like that, but that's up to you.

My eyes fill with tears Again I feel a comma would be nice here. You have to be very precise with your breaks. You don't want the reader to have to struggle when reading your poem.
My mouth with foul words Period.

The blank paper, white, a relief. To me the "white" part is confusing. I would suggest putting into another line altogether, and adding some more description.
Blue lines crisp and clear. I like this line.

I pick up the pen, black as night, I don't know why, but this bothered me. It is really plain, and doesn't really catch attention.
And form the first word and the next. More description....

I am unstoppable, anger flows out through the ink I know how this feels, but there should be a period or exclaimation point.

I don't slow until all the thoughts, the things,
The secrets I can't say out loud are no longer mine. The "T" would not be capitol.

They are not my burden to bear. They would still be your burden would they not? You just eased the burden.
With a flourish I sign my name. Flourish didn't seem like the right word to me.

Altogether I think this could have been better. I think you should add more description, and more colorful words. Really catch the readers attention. Make me stop in my tracks and say wait, this is amazing. Also your punctuation seems lacking, we need to know when you stop talking. A good way to figure this out is to read it out loud. I don't have much else to say except, good luck.

If you need me feel free to pm me.

-Flower-

I don't think I can really tell you how to improve this because, in my opinion, it's perfect already. Of course there are plenty of bits you could change, there always are, but I don't think it could be called an improvement. I love this poem and I can really relate to it, but there is just one thing I want to know, and I may just be being stupid, but what does roiling mean?

to move turbulently : be in a state of turbulence or agitation. - Thanks for the review

Hi Calligraphy,

I thought it was a pretty good poem! I like the concept of it. I liked how you described the whole lead-up to when you're about to begin writing to the point where you end. I though maybe you could express more emotion, feel and depth in this poem. Tell us if what you're writing is something that made you happy, angry, frustrated or sad. You get the idea.

But pretty good! Best wishes!

RedLeaf

Thanks.

I don't have much to say since the reviews part is much covered. Anyway, this is a really good poem and I enjoyed reading it. Continue writing to make it better because practice makes prefect.


Good luck and keep writing,

Alicia.

Calligraphy wrote:I am seething,
the roiling bubbles overtaking the pot.

My eyes fill with tears,
My mouth with foul words.

The paper is blank, creamy white, a relief.
Blue lines crisp and clear.

I form the first word and the next.
The letters neat and controlled,

but my hand quickens.
I am unstoppable, my anger flowing out through the ink.

I don't slow until all the thoughts, the feelings,
the secrets I can't say out loud are no longer heavy.

They are still mine, yet the burden is eased.
With a flourish I sign my name.

~So I think this is an O.K. poem, but could use improvement. I have tried, but don't like what I come up with. Please review harshly!~

A.S.

P.S. could you help me with the name?

Okay cal, I will try to offer all the help I can, I hope you won't think I'm too harsh.

Now for a start, I can tell that while you were writing this poem you were in a certain moment in which ideas and words were creeping out with anger into your paper. However, you can still make them shine.

I am seething,
the roiling bubbles overtaking the pot.

This is a nice description of surrendering or suffering the pain or anger you were feeling.
However try using more imagination, for example:
My mind is seething,
seemingly roiling words overtaking the paper
(it's only an example and it might not make sense) xD

My eyes fill with tears,
My mouth with foul words.

Now you have a tense mistake, it should be like this:

My eyes filled with tears,
And my mouth with foul words

or
My eyes filled with tears,
My mouth filled with foul words.

I form the first word and the next.
The letters neat and controlled,

try: I form the first word then the next.
My letters are neat and controlled.

I am unstoppable, my anger flowing out through the ink.

try: I am unstoppable, and my anger is escaping within the ink

Other than that, I really loved the theme. We all suffer moments of utmost anger in which we cannot help bolting to our pages again. Good job, I really liked it, and I hope you reach perfection.

Hey thanks, sorry I just saw this