I Kept A Secret From You

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This is the second part to a poem. Read the first here, if you like (although the pieces can stand alone):
I Can't Keep Secrets

If you think I’ll take the blame for this, then
Sadly you’re mistaken. My
Life was fine before you,
Eventually you’ll see that. You
Pretend it never happened
Though we both know that it did.
Why be angry over something you
Insisted that we hid?
This was not a plan to hurt you, but
Hate me if you must. Your
Monopoly upon me
And the games that you played
Turned and twisted this
Truth-telling tirade.
Still, you think I’m dirty
But I’m no worse than you. In
Reality my actions were not malicious
Or cruel. You’re the one who used me and
Told me I must
Hide. In the
End you’ll cast your mind back and
Remember that I tried.

NB: I'd like to point out that the strange-looking structure of my poem, it's like that for a reason. If anyone would like to know the secret behind the strange form, or cares to hedge a guess as to why it is that way, feel free to message me :)
Last edited by Luvzi12 on Tue Jan 04, 2011 11:37 am, edited 4 times in total.
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I really really liked this poem. The only thing that might be changed is the breaks in the lines. Like the first one, I wonder if you don't want to rearrange this? But if you did--

If you think I’ll take the blame for this,
Then sadly you’re mistaken.
My life was fine before you,
Eventually you’ll see that.
You pretend it never happened
Though we both know that it did.
Why be angry over something you
Insisted that we hid?
This was not a plan to hurt you,
but hate me if you must.
Your monopoly upon me I changed "on" to "upon" to maintain a meter
And the games that you played
Turned and twisted this
Truth-telling tirade.
Still you think I’m dirty
But I’m no worse than you.
In reality my actions
were not malicious or cruel.
You’re the one who used me
and told me I must hide.
In the end you’ll cast your mind back
and remember that
I tried.


That's all! Keep writing!
There is so much said in the silence. But writing, for me, became a way of fighting the repression, of protecting no one, of saying everything. I began to write to save my own life.




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I liked this; it was angry without being over-the-top. You have some capitalization issues and line breaks in weird places, but maybe you intended it that way?

"Insisted that we hid?"

I think that should be "hide."

I liked the rhyme; it was fresh and off-kilter, not at all forced.
You must be swift as the coursing river,
With all the force of a great typhoon,
With all the strength of a raging fire,
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.




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You have some capitalization issues and line breaks in weird places, but maybe you intended it that way?


I did indeed intend it that way :) Thank you for your comments, I'm not sure it should be 'hide', because we're not hiding it anymore, it's in the past, so I think 'hid' is correct. I'll ponder that :) Thank you.

Your monopoly upon me I changed "on" to "upon" to maintain a meter
And the games that you played

That's much better! Thanks so much, that line always bothered me because I couldn't get it right.

Thank you for all the comments, I loved reading them :)
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I liked this...a little. I thought it a bit bland and unoriginal (because, really, reading it I could hear the same words I had heard million times bouncing around in my head). But it was nice. I could certainly hear the emotion throughout, so nice on that part.

Overall...it was pretty good. With a bit of tweeking, I'm sure it will be a thousand times better.
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Amazing... i agree with the writers above me --i don't wanna repeat things!
Keep Writing!
Nike :)
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Thanks so much everyone. I added a note about the strange structure.
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'Hush, hush!' I whispered; 'people can have many cousins and of all sorts, Miss Cathy, without being any the worse for it; only they needn't keep their company, if they be disagreeable and bad.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights