Changed.

I Have Been Changed

I grew up in a mature arena. I grew up behind the counter, bare sandy feet; sun bleached braids beating down my back as my feet beat down the boardwalk to the beach. I grew up age five with every friend I had age twenty-five. Really, it's a small wonder I was so mature for my years. My family owns surf shops on the Jersey Shore and we live there in the summer, and, you see, I grew up exposed to the effects of surfer attitudes. surfer parties, and surfer drugs. I can't even count (well, actually I can name every single person), that I have seen ruined, or dead, or buried. Friends. Babysitters. Live-in nannies. People who I spent my childhood life laughing and joking with. Their friends had backed off for a week or two, but no one seemed to see that they could end the same, so they jumped right back into where they were. I grew up with the threat of ruin and peril inches above my small countenance, my friends scraping the roof. Some were fine. Some were not.
I have been changed. I have seen lives ruined by alcohol's impaired reasoning, bad choices made, the consequences dealt out. I have seen those that could not deal, deal with themselves. I have seen drugs and drug trafficking since birth. I have seen baby-sitters OD on pills. I have seen every single blood vessel between the nose and the brain rupture and explode from a first time try at coke. I have seen boys I knew since birth choke on their own blood and vomit. I have seen girls laying in a pool of blood they gurgled out, dead. I have seen Death. I have seen the consequences of surfer parties, surfer attitudes, and surfer drugs. I know that there are other ways to live; other ways to pass the time than shooting up, flying high, and dropping low. I know that there are ways to live life in the fast lane, and that there are ways to live life easy going, slow, enjoyable. I am well aware of the fast of addiction. I am well aware that the same trait runs in my blood. I am well aware that depression races down the same tract in my genes. I am well aware that I don't want to ruin my life. I intend to experience it to the fullest. I intend to live. By this I have been Changed. By this, I have been saved.

Hello, Pink here

Okay, I like the message you are sending. Yes, drugs do ruin lives and I like how you point at one person's experience and say that seeing this has changed someone's life. It was touching and chilly...
Now, there are still some things that I found. Some times the way you construct some of your sentences don't exactly make sense. I would have someone review this and make sure every sentence makes sense. There were also a couple of times I didn't understand what you were trying to say but maybe that was just me and my sloppy reading, since I'm in a rush right now.
But overall, this was nice and it sent a good message.
Cheers,

~Pink

Hello Sailor!

Before I start the critique part of the review, I want to say that this really hit me. This is a good message that is ignored too often in the world, and a lot of great people die because of the choices they make.

Now to the critique!

First off, I want to say that the piece would be a lot more readable if it was broken up into different paragraphs. It really puts off people, including me, when we just see a huge mass of words all crammed together.

Really, it's a small wonder I was so mature for me years.

'Me' here should be 'my'.

I cant even count (well, actually I can name every single person), that I have seen ruined, or dead, or buried.

Punctuation is, and I'm not alone in this, one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to writing. 'Cant' should be 'can't'. Remember apostrophes!

I have seen Death.

I like how you capitalize death here, it really makes it pop from the text.

Well that's all for now! Overall, I really liked it. The message was strong and good. The fact that it was kind of cold and morbid just reinforced that message.

Keep writing!
-HP

Hey Sailor,
First of all. I liked how real the story came out. I hope you haven't really lived this but you did a great job writing it as if you had.

But... the hated but... I had a few problems.
[quote="TheSailor"]I Have Been Changed

I cant even count (well, actually I can name every single person), that I have seen ruined, or dead, or buried.
I liked this sentence... and yet I didn't. I can see what you were going for but I think the parentheses is more confusing than dramatic.

Their friends had backed off for a week or two, but no one seemed to see that they could end the same, so they jumped right back into where they were.
The meaning is good but I would like a different wording. Especially for the middle part, "but no one could..."

I grew up with the threat of ruin and peril inches above my small countenance, my friends scraping the roof. Some were fine. Some were not.
I loved this!

I have seen every single blood vessel between the nose and the brain rupture and explode from a first time try at coke. I have seen boys I knew since birth choke on their own blood and vomit. I have seen girls laying in a pool of blood they gurgled out, dead.
I liked how graphic this was. It really hit home.


Okay so summary. I liked it except for picky wording preferences.