The HallSight

Chapter 1-Homecoming

Wind flew across the forest floor.The elk danced and jumped through the forest in front of him,almost mocking him with its seeming lack of effort to outrun him.Suddenly,He tripped on on a moss-covered stone and fell head over heels across the cold,leaf-strewn forest floor.He watched in dissapointment as the elk pirouetted away through the trees.He cursed to himself.When was he going to learn to look where he was going? He gingerly picked himself up and was about to go back to the den,when he heard an deafening, blood-curdling howl,and a huge shadow fell over him.Before he could even look up, he felt a sharp searing pain in his side as the creature's paw swiped him across the uneven ground and straight into a tree,where he caught a glimspe of a huge wolf loping away through the trees,he stayed conscious for a few seconds then let the tendrils of darkness encircle him...

Starlight awoke in the darkness of her cave.She slowly rose to her feet,not easy on a rock floor covered with damp moss.Wolf.The scent that woke her was definitely wolf.She slowly padded over to the small cave mouth and looked out. A lone dark grey wolf slowly limped across the forest floor and collapsed in a heap right next to the cave mouth. It was Wind."BROTHER!" Starlight cried, and rushed over to him."What happened to you?"she asked desparately,then recoiled in horror at the sight of his right side.It had three huge claw marks engraved into it,and the whole of his once magnificent coat was now soaked in blood."Wind,what did this to you?" she choked.Wind coughed,then croaked very slowly"The...*cough*run-*cough*...The...runner of the East*cough*he was upon me like a whirlwind...please...help me sister...*cough*" and with that he promptly passed out.Starlight gently gripped him by the scruff of the neck and dragged him into the cave.

Quicksilver trotted past a willow tree.The trunk was matted from view with moss and ivy,and the leaves were crimson,signalling the start of autumn.After a refreshing drink from a nearby river,she set back out on her journey.After hours of walking,her legs were too weak and tired to go much further, so she made for a well known cave in the area,occupied by her sister,Starlight."It will be nice to see my sister again after all these years."she thought."I'll surprise her."The forest was always beautiful at this time of year,but this morning was different.The sun was visible as a blazing red semi-circle just above the line of the mountains

What she saw in that cave shall always stay with her as the most mournful moment of her life.

Quicksilver looked over to her sister.She was trembling uncontrollably,and tears were rolling down her face and snout,and creating a small puddle on the floor.But Quicksilver was not interseted in her sister anymore.She ran over to Wind.She couldn't believe what she was seeing,blood,pain,screaming,all these thoughts ran swiftly into her head with a wave of darkness.She almost collapsed on the spot,had her sister not rushed over to her and held her up."Starlight....what happened?"cried Quicksilver,"who did this?!"

"I do not know,sister,he said something before he passed out,something about a Runner of some kind...we have to help him."Quicksilver couldn't believe her ears"The...Runner?The same runner created by the ancient wolf elders to protect the forest?But....why would he turn evil?!"

"I don't know, but im afraid we may find out sooner than expected.Look into his eyes,look into his soul...what do you see?"said Starlight.Quicksilver looked deep into Wind's eyes,and deep into his soul.She saw strange gold streams running across the eyes and every few seconds they would turn into the shape of a huge wolf.

She retracted with surprise etched all over her face."No...no...NO!"she cried,"The HallSight!How could this happen to him?!We have to do something,he might not hold out against it much longer!"

And at that exact moment,Wind awoke.

At first his vision was blurred and fuzzy,but then it focused and he could pick out the details of his sisters faces."Starlight!Quicksilver!Good to see you sisters!"Wind leapt to his feet,filled with a vibrant new tireless energy.The two females were stunned that their brother could have such strength already.

"why dont you just take it slow Wind?"Quicksilver said,"you've been through a lot."

"Take it slow?I feel fine!Why should i take it slow?"He cried,"I feel like i've been reborn!"

"Fine?How could you feel fine?Half of your body is just a hole!"said Starlight.Wind looked down at his wound with a scowl."Just a flesh wound.I'll be good as new in a few weeks!"

Starlight sighed.He would settle down soon and realise what has happened.Hopefully.

Hi, Maroono! Welcome to YWS!

So, I liked the beginning of this story. It's fast-paced and interesting and vivid. The fact that it is written from a wolf's point of view is neat as well. I feel like the wolves' characters are also being developed already, which is good. I'd be curious to see what happens next.

However, I think it's pretty easy to move a little too fast. I might try slowing down a bit, adding some background maybe.

I'm not too fond of the name Starlight. I think it's a bit overused, but that's just my opinion.

Overall, I think you're off to a good start. Keep writing!

--Glim

Hey there Oony! I've always loved your story, and the more I read it, the more I like! Only one complaint...


You need to write more!

thank you for your comment glim,i have only posted one chapter on YWS but the second one is coming soon.i will take your advice about slowing down,i thought it might be a bit fast myself.i will also think about changing starlight's name,but for now i'll keep it as it is while i think of a new one.

Hey there Welcome to YWS!

So, this story seems interesting. You've got an exciting first chapter which drew me in quickly. However, there are a few small grammatical things which make it difficult to read and put the reader off.

First off, commas and full stops.

When you write a sentence, the full stop goes after the last word of the sentence, and then you put a space, and then start the next sentence. Like this.

Same with a comma: you have a word, then a comma, then a space, then you start the next word. It's a tiny thing but it makes a big difference.

Wind flew across the forest floor.The elk danced and jumped through the forest in front of him,almost mocking him with its seeming lack of effort to outrun him.Suddenly,He tripped on on a moss-covered stone and fell head over heels across the cold,leaf-strewn forest floor.

This opening sentence confused me a lot when I first read it, because I had no idea Wind was a character; I thought you were literally describing the wind. So, when you started talking about how it felt like the elk was mocking him, I had no idea who 'he' was. It would be much clearer if you somehow made clear in the first sentence that Wind was a wolf, or at least that you're talking about a character, not an element of nature.

Another thing that's more formatting than anything else: everytime a new character starts speaking, you need to start a new line. It makes it easier to distinguish who's speaking. You've done this sometimes but not all time.
So, this part would be,

"Wind,what did this to you?" she choked.

Wind coughed,then croaked very slowly"The...*cough*run-*cough*...The...runner of the East*cough*he was upon me like a whirlwind...please...help me sister...*cough*" and with that he promptly passed out.

What she saw in that cave shall always stay with her as the most mournful moment of her life.

You've switched to present tense here. It'd be better as "What she saw in the cave would always stay with her as the most mournful moment of her life." But I don't really think this line is necessary anyway. If you describe the scene when she sees Wind well enough then you don't need to use tricks like this to increase the drama, and it doesn't increase the tension because you go straight into the cave scene.

Overall, apart from these nitpicks I thought this was a good start to the story and you described the scenes well. It does seem too much of a coincidence that Quicksilver decided to go and see Starlight, after not having visited her for several years, just at the point where Wind has been suspiciously injured. You can use coincidence to further your plot to a certain extent, but timing like that makes it seem unrealistic. With a bit of editing this could be a great opening though and I hope you post more soon.

PM me if you have any questions or would like to discuss any aspect of this.