OK this is kind of stupid...lol

This is going to sound self-absorbed but I used to be really good at poetry...wonder where all that went! This is one of the more recent ones, I'll post a *good* one later.

Did your mother ever tell you to
Stop
Look
Listen
Before you cross the street?
Did your mother ever tell you to
Stop
Drop
Roll
When you are on fire?
Did your mother ever tell you to
Stop
Grab
Buckle
Your seat belt?
Her love keeps you safe
Has your mother ever told you to
Stop
Look
Listen
For the right thing to do?

Not my style, and somehow I didn't necessarily feel that I could relate or a connection of some sort. The poem itself was odd and unlike anything else I have read in a very long time. However, even though I feel the poem is pointless and without meaning, somehow, you kept me reading and anticipating on a grand ending. Unfortunately, there wasn't really an ending at all if you asked me.
Overall, it just seemed like there was some missing pieces--like you forgot some of the poem. Or like, you were trying to convey a message that didn't necessarily get conveyed. Just kind of got stuck there without meaning. Perhaps you should consider adding some more to it, and it will probably be better.

I know...it was kind of forced, I wanted to write a poem I just didn't know how to start one anymore...ah well, I'll stop because I'm depressing myself!

this isnt really the kind of style of poem
i usually go for but that doesnt mean it
isnt good!

i dont know why but i see this in an
advert or in a mothers day card... sumthin
like that... not in a bad way you understand.

i dont think you can try to write a poem
though, the words just come...

Mmmm...

Hmmm...

:nose twitches:

I didn't like it. The rhythm was okay, but I liked how you did the "stop/drop/roll" or "stop/look/listen" which enhanced the rhythm. However, certain lines, such as "Her loves keeps you safe" were unnecessary and simply interupted the poem. For God's sake, you might as well have said: "We now interupt this poem to bring you the Obvious Statement of the day," except that would've been better. Also, changing from "Did your mother..." for the first three lines to "Has your mother..." was not a good idea. It wasn't the desired result, I believe. I can see what you're wanting to happen here, and what kind of impact on your reader, but you didn't get it. But most importantly: never, ever give up what your poem is about, like you did in this.

Yeah I'll change that...I just needed SOMETHING there! thanks guys.

Hmmm, I sort of liked it, but it was missing something very big. And I was expecting soemthing much bigger at the end. You should put something more there insted of just;

"Has your mother ever told you to
Stop
Look
Listen
For the right thing to do?"

But I like backround.

Hehehe... I love bringing back old work of yours, Sam.

This has potential... except for the ending. No, scratch that. There is no ending. But there's lots of things I like about the poem. For instance, I think it's incredibly creative that you ended up having the first line (well… not the first line, but you understand what I’m saying) stop. Because of the stops, the words just seemed to roll out of the mouth. I think, poetically, that’s neat. After all, instead of stopping when you say the word “stop,” it ends snowballing into a pile of words. And I like that.

I also like the beginning of each stanza. Well… most stanzas. The beginning “Did your mother ever tell you” is a gentle entrance that leads the reader in without thinking. The image that the word “mother” creates is soft and gentle. It is not catchy, but then that’s why the word “stop” is in the stanza, isn’t it?

Now… the first thing I would do with this poem is to separate in stanzas that are clear. Poetry is about two things: what sounds good and what looks good. By seeing how the poem looks, you can often guess how well it’ll sound also.

So!

Did your mother ever tell you to
Stop
Look
Listen
Before you cross the street?

Did your mother ever tell you to
Stop
Drop
Roll
When you are on fire?

Did your mother ever tell you to
Stop
Grab
Buckle
Your seat belt?

Her love keeps you safe

Has your mother ever told you to
Stop
Look
Listen
For the right thing to do?

By doing that, we see one big thing. The line “Her love keeps you safe” is awkward and doesn’t do anything for the poem. The best thing to do? Delete it.

And then we also see something else. The “did” vs. “has.” This is confusing… one is in the past tense, the other in the past participle (or at least that’s what I think it’s called). So it looks weird. Choose one or the other. In this case, I would go with “did.”

So now it would look like this:

Did your mother ever tell you to
Stop
Look
Listen
Before you cross the street?

Did your mother ever tell you to
Stop
Drop
Roll
When you are on fire?

Did your mother ever tell you to
Stop
Grab
Buckle
Your seat belt?

Did your mother ever told you to
Stop
Look
Listen
For the right thing to do?

Ah! Already, it’s looking a lot better, but there’s one problem. Once more, we’re brought to the ending.

What you’ve tried to do is go back to the beginning by use the same “stop,” “look,” and “listen” theme, but with a different message, that being “for the right thing to do?” Unfortunately, that ending just seems to… fall on its face. So what should we do?

Look at your poem. You use the words “mother” and “stop” for a contrast effect. Now, it’s very nice, but what we need now is a stop that makes the poem powerful. And how can we do this? The word “stop.”

Remember when I said the word “stop” was a forceful word, but you were making it less forceful by continuing on? For the last stanza, you need to stop with the word “stop.” This creates a cliffhanger effect.

Now how do we do this?

The narrator of the poem is asking us whether our mothers ever asked us this. The reader, who is supposed to respond to the poem, doesn’t necessarily have to agree with the questions. In fact, the reader may say, “She never told me anything of the sort.” But this probably doesn’t mean that this particular reader has never been ordered around by his mommy before. She just didn’t tell him these particular orders.

But you can bet that she has told him to stop!

So... right now it’s gentle. You have to change it to be forceful.

Did your mother ever tell you to
Stop
Look
Listen
Before you cross the street?

Did your mother ever tell you to
Stop
Drop
Roll
When you are on fire?

Did your mother ever tell you to
Stop
Grab
Buckle
Your seat belt?

Did your mother ever told you to
Stop
Look
Listen
For the right thing to do?

Or did she just tell you
Stop.

This is just a little test. It’s not completely grammatically correct… the last line technically should have a question mark, but by making it a period, it turns it, not into a question, but a command. And a command is forceful.


Anyway, I did enjoy the poem. I wish you were gutsy enough to write more poetry but… I will content myself on critiquing Hourglass, eh?

that is really good

start over and try again - i suppose i agree with incandescence out of all of these critiques. i would change the title, nonetheless, because realizing fault and accepting discouragement are two different things.

Sam --

I don't think this is a bad poem, but its just not my cuppa' tea.

It's very simple, and I would like more imagery...although that would be kind of hard to incorporate that in something like this.

It's good that you kept the rhythm, but the lines like, 'Her love keeps you safe' do interrupt it.

The whole reason that I decided to review this is because I didn't want to critique any of your other pieces, seeing as I'd have nothing even remotely constructive to say (and they all have been reviewed already) but I might just because I'm sure this review will only serve to make you feel rotten. Like that something in Denmark.

I agree that this doesn't really have an ending - but then again, I've never really been fond of poems that end in questions that aren't rhetorical.

Any ways, keep writing poetry! Your much better than me, even if your style [for this piece anyways] isn't quite what I like. Don't be ashamed! (You should see my first attempt - gag)

Cheers,
Camille

*giggles* I wrote this when I was...ten, maybe?

I should probably be hiding my face in shame, now. ^_~ But danke, Ayra!

What do you mean post a "good" one later? all poetry is good. I've written stupider stuff. what matters is not how much sense it makes. Poetry is a way to express yourself. There are no "stupid" self-expressions.