Yours and Mine

Your lips of fire-
Lips of passion
On the lips of mine;
Blazing.

Heating my body,
Inflaming my soul,
With the warmth of yours;
Tempting.

Your hands grasping-
Hands touching,
On the body of mine;
Arousing.

Dreaming of your kiss,
Longing to be held
By the sweetness of yours;
Yearning.

Your body, plus mine-
Wrapped up together;
Physical, in time.
Binding.

I like it in general. The words convey a very vivid picture in the reader's mind. I do not like the flow of the poem, but that is a personal style choice.

1. The first two lines you repeat "lips" I do not like when people repeat. It is not very good grammar. Perhaps a different word?

2. Maybe lengthen this a little.

I love the insight and feelings I get from this. I can feel and sense what you are trying to convey. I love the language. Keep up the good work.

Dr.

Hi Kiicoh! I like this poem, and I beg to differ from Dr. Jamie Bondage; repetition is not necessarily incorrect grammar. Even if it was incorrect grammar, it would be okay, because poetry doesn't need to have correct grammar in the first place.

My favorite example of incorrect grammar in poetry is in ee cummings's "i like my body." (Note that I didn't capitalize that.) You can find that here:

http://rpo.library.utoronto.ca/poem/606.html

Another repeating poem:

http://www.nonsenselit.org/Lear/ns/pussy.html

Good job, and keep writing!

- Abigail

This was a pretty awesome poem. I liked how you created your own style of writing. I thought that it was simple yet understandable, if that makes sense. Keep writing.

This is nice, simple and nice.

Your lips of fire-
lips of passion
On the lips of mine;
Blazing.

You use "lips here in every line but the last, try this:

Your lips of fire-
those of passion
On the lips of mine;
Blazing.

That way you only have to repeat "lips once and you also wont have to chop up the poem to make it work...

Your hands grasping-
Hands touching,
On the body of mine;
Arousing.

Here you use "hands" in the first and second, having them that close together just makes it seem like you got lazy and didn't look into a different word.

Overall, I liked it, maybe make it longer, add a few more lines to get into what it is that you love, or lust, in this person: their eyes, hair, voice, etc.

Hope I helped,

~Rain~