Trapped

I am trapped in my own head,
My mind like prison walls.
The barbed wire memories retain me.
And everyone else, like security cameras.
Making sure I don’t escape.
The sentence I have been ordered,
Longer than most,
A lifetime.
I am in solitary confinement.
My secrets are the barking dogs that guard my cell,
Higher security than Alcatraz.
My conscience is always there,
To remind me,
When I might escape,
Just how badly I could get hurt.

Okay! My corrections/suggestions are in red, sections that could use rephrasing are blue.

I am trapped in my own head,
My mind like prison walls.
The barbed wire memories retain (word choice? What are you being retained from? Perhaps ‘contain’ would be better.) me.
And everyone else, like security cameras.
Makes sure I don’t escape.
The sentence I have been ordered,
Longer than most,
A lifetime. (This is awkwardly worded. You need to rephrase or add in some words. You should be able to read it aloud and have it flow and make sense, that’s the general rule for poetry.)
I am in solitary confinement.
My secrets are the barking dogs that guard my cell, (This is a nice line, but there are no dogs in modern day solitary confinement. I think you should do some research. Is this modern day?)
Higher security than Alcatraz. (This doesn’t make sense modern day. Alcatraz is no longer a working prison. And even in olden days, Alcatraz was the highest security in the world.)
My conscience is always there,
To remind me,
When I might escape,
Just how badly I could get hurt. (this line sort of… sucks the emotion out. It needs rewording. ‘just how badly I could get hurt.’ Is obvious. You’re not going to escape from a prison unscathed. And if this prison is as high security and solitary confinement as you say, there’s no plausible way for this person to escape anyway)

Overall, this is an interesting poem. It has a gloomy feel to it, and in most of the first half, the emotions ring true. In the second half, however, is confusing and sort of…devoid of emotion. It’s like you started to get all technical on us. I think that it could use some rewording. Add in some descriptions. Give us some emotion, and tell us a story.

This poem has a lot of potential, and with work, it will be very good. Do a bit of research on prisons- the everyday person’s idea of them is a lot more glamorous and old-western-movie-ish than what they really are. If this is going to be set in past times, you need to clarify that point. If you don’t want to put the date or a clue as to what the time period is into the poem, you need to put it in the title. For example: ‘Prison, 1924’. Or name it after a crime the person could have committed that doesn’t happen nowadays- ‘The Moonshiner’, for example. Moonshining is not a relevant modern day crime, although it was huge in the early to mid 1900s. Moonshining could earn you a life sentence, if mobs and night runs got involved.

Perhaps I took this poem too literally... but I still think it needs work.

Okay! I think that’s it! With some rewriting and research, this could be very good. Keep writing!

-Tori

I like your poem! It is very interesting. I could find a kind of rhythm easily! Very nice. Maybe some more explenation, but on the other hand it gives a kind of mystery about the poem and a good way to interpret it in your own way. I like it!

Xx Nathalie

I am trapped in my own head,
My mind like prison walls.

- My favorite part

I couldn't find any spelling mistakes, or punctuation problems, me and grammar aren't that great together though... I liked this, it sounded good, I loved your use of metaphors! This flowed nicely! Keep writing!

Thanks Nathalie, and Allmixedup! This is one of my first attempts at poetry, and I'm glad for the feedback.
Camryn