You Remind Me Of

You
know
you remind
me
of the clouds
and

a mini
mountain
veiled
in
blue

remember
we climbed
and
we
peaked

but you
know
you remind
me
of yesterday
and

that cat
abandoned
too scared
so it
ran

remember
we breathed
and
we
flew

but you
know
you remind
me
of being far away
and
leaving

Hi there-
I am not going to bring up the topic of punctuation.
(I don't have any concrete opinions about it anyways >.>)

Anywho.
So I really liked this... I think that the structure stretched it out a bit far, but it was still nice.. there wasn't a hugely evident tone, but the whiffs of one I got fit the emotion quite well. The last stanza perfectly wrapped up this piece.. it was definitely my favorite part.

Nice write.

-Coral-

Hi there!

It's a nice, sweet whimsical idea for a poem. Some of the ideas you have in here are good, and with some refinement you could be on your way to a really good poem.

For me, a big problem was the structure. At the moment it is very spiky, stilted and unrefined - you've used no punctuation and the line breaks make the poem very hard to read out loud. Sometimes, short lines like this are the way to go. However, you need to know if they will complement your poem or not, and I don't think they do hear. The images, to me, seemed disjointed because of them, which isn't a great thing. If I were you, I'd tidy up the line breaks and punctuation. Generally, a poem should be punctuated as you would prose.

Another thing that struck me is that, when the stanzas aren't split up like they are now, they seem quite short and sparse. Considering the tone and theme of your poem, I would try to flesh it out a lot more. The best way to to this would be increased use of poetic devices, such as metaphors, which will really enhance your work and the images you're trying to create. An example of a short stanza is:

remember
we breathed
and
we
flew

In my opinion, it isn't enough. You need more, so that the reader can fully envision what you're trying to put across to them.

The ending, to me, didn't seem right somehow. The idea is nice - you stop some of the lovely stuff and wrap it up with quite a hit. However, the stanza doesn't flow very well, and it just lacks description and personality. The whole thing feels very impersonal, and when you're writing about remembering and memories I really think it should feel as though it comes from the heart (even when it doesn't).

I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me with any questions. Good luck!

-Amy

i really like this poem, you show great creativity and emotion, also youre mental imagery is out of this world, keep up the good work.

Hey Hibiscus -

There was a distinct clarity here, and yet simultaneously a heady breathlessness, the kind of way the lines slip through my fingers and I want to - need to - grasp on to them, the same way experiences and people flit through our lives and we try to hold on to the past, but it is so ethereal. I was thinking about this just today - in regards to a certain failure, and a certain success I have just had - and both seem equally nonexistent the day after; both seem ephemeral after the fact. It's as if, after we sleep, all concrete sensation - all memory of sensation, even, and reality - become a distant dream, one we had so long ago. The bizarreness of the lines, the minimalism fits this feeling well - intangible, surreal, vague. Sure, you can't get that intensity, that depth that you sometimes get with past memories - that nostalgia, as it were - but at the same time, I get the feeling this is not a poem about full-fledged emotion, but about a softer, fainter memory, someone on the sidelines, perhaps a friend, perhaps a sibling - anyone, really.

of the clouds
and

a mini
mountain
veiled
in
blue

remember
we climbed
and
we
peaked

Just a tiny issue here. Later on, you say that 'you remind me of that cat abandoned, too scared, so it ran' - this gives me a very flighty feeling of the person, an amusingly and interestingly flighty feeling, unlike the rather dull abstractness that 'you remind me of the clouds' gives here. Also, I object to the moutains for their contradiction - this poem, I think, is too slight, too slender to encompass a contradiction, a paradox of this type - mountains are, by contrast, much more stable, sure, weighty things; not at all like the light-footed character the narrator describes.

but you
know
you remind
me
of being far away
and
leaving

By this time, the repetition of 'remind' was a tad redundant.

Anyway, a shy poem that feels at the edges of perception, and lingers gently in the mind, regardless.

Thanks for the read.


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