Purple - Chapter 1, Part 3

-deleted-

Hi Carlito,
Here's your review enjoy

I thought everything sounded good. I had fun playing.

These sentences seem sort of weak. You should combine them, and you should exchange fun with a different word because you already used it before.

Oh well.
The stage in the bar was really small, but it was a fun space to play in. We were really close so we could listen really well. I thought everything sounded good. I had fun playing.

In these sentences you jumped from being on the bus to finishing performing. It was confusing to understand and you should add something in between.

I saw Colin and Archer. They were starting to walk our way.

These sentences sound short and choppy. Change it by saying something like I had just taken a seat when I saw Collin and Archer slowly walking our way etc.

It was great. Miyah’s parents were a couple tables away and they kept ordering food for us. We could barely eat it all.

This sentence doesn't seem to fit in. The way you transitioned it from the sentence before it wasn't good and again made it confusing.

They both gave looks like aw man, we should have done that!

You didn't say who they gave looks to (her or each other).

Could Colin like me?

There is nothing leading up to the idea that Collin might like her. You need to add things like Collin flirting with her or something that will make the reader think that Collin likes her.

Well, other than this you had a few grammar errors but if you read through them it would be fine. Well first of all I have to say that this is your weakest story out of all of them. It didn't flow well and you didn't transition it right. The sentences didn't have much detail and there were many times were you had two sentences that you could have combined. And also when Cora thinks that Collin likes her well there isn't anything leading up to the idea that he likes her. The story idea is really great but they way you wrote it seemed confusing to me. It wasn't as good as Part 1 and Part 2. Pm me if you have any more questions

-lilgreendots

Hi Carlito! C'est moi, Pink
Back for another review, sorry I'm kind of late -.-

Okay, so there were a few problems that I want to address first before I go on about anything else.
Firstly, it seems like you're doing a lot of telling and just not enough showing. I understand that this is an older chapter but if you ever have the time, it's best if you take a few minutes to review and edit this piece. Insert some more descriptions, it's brings color to the characters as well as the story. I mean, I have been down this road before, I previously also did more telling than showing but it's something that can always be fixed and words can always be rewritten
Also, I notice that sometimes her thoughts aren't in italics. I had this problem too! It's easier and less distracting for the reader to have your character's thoughts in italics or in some sort of quote so we can differentiate between the story and the words that are being said in your MC's head.

But, there are a few things I liked about this chapter. I like how she instantly hides from Colin, even if she had made plans to 'flirt' with him. It shows how terrible she is with guys and how shy she can be, I honestly think that's kind of cute :3
And I laughed when she suddenly pictured an entire future with Colin XD I was like, "aww!" I was even getting a little excited for her And I also thought the part where she was looking for him on facebook was super funny too. She's such a stalker! XD

All in all, this was a more eventful chapter than the previous ones. I think you should concentrate on making your chapters more interesting, I hate to say it but there are times when it becomes a little draggy. I think this could be a great story, though. So, my advice is to quicken the pace a little, take out unnecessary events and make sure every word counts. I think if you do that, there could be a pretty interesting plot behind this and since this character is so easy to connect to, it's sure to bring in more readers.
I'll still be following this story, Carly so keep me posted if you write more.
(I know you pmed me about chapter two so I'll get that done soon)
See you in the next chapter,

~Shear

It reads like a diary, which is a good thing until the dialogue begins. I'm not sure that dialogue works for this sort of format, but the overall tone is very personal and pefect for the week-to-month updates, but the quotations just throw me off, they don't belong. Another thing is that you don't stay in the same tense, and that's bad for grammatical reasons, so clean up small thingsl like that and you'll be fine. I like the story, it's very realistic, and I can't wait to see where you go with it.

Edited the formatting to make it easier to read!

Homework is no fun.. on to part 3!

So for the opening, like I said before, Spice it up! What was the bus like, smelly? loud? What about the seat? Sticky? Was there some mysterious substance? What did it look like outside? Was it dark? What was the scenery?

Colin is extremely funny and weird

Bland description, what about him was funny? What about him was weird?

so I was going to mainly focus on Colin.

This part struck me, since its very uncommon for a senior girl to go for a sophomore, not that its not okay but, at least in my experience, its not as normal or maybe.. accepted.

The stage in the bar was really small, but it was a fun space to play in. We were really close so we could listen really well. I thought everything sounded good. I had fun playing.

Really? REALLY? This is all you give for description! Okay, maybe it is in insignificant part of the plot but no! Description, honey, description! I believe in you.

It was great. Miyah’s parents were a couple tables away and they kept ordering food for us. We could barely eat it all.
Libbie, Miyah and Harper all went home with their parents. So I had pretty much no one to sit with on the bus.

Again. Setting please.

Okay I have to go but I'll finish this later. Work on your description, missy. and PM me questions/comments/concerns