Ice Cold Fire: Chapter One

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The continuation of the forward. As a little recap two people by the name of Emma and Richard who were married had a baby together in the year 1796 and after witch hunters tried to take Emma and her baby she put him in a box and sent him to the year 2010 (that was when I first revised this chapter. Maybe I'll eventually change it to 2011 or 2012 when that comes around). There he was found by Lorie and Brandon and taken in by them because they couldn't have any kids of their own. Brandon's kind of grouchy about it.

It's Always Just an Accident

I always knew I was different. I mean, not just me, but everyone who knew me knew that. Whether it was doing something by accident or getting really mad and something unplanned happening, I always managed to cause some sort of trouble. I never meant to do anything, but it always seemed to happen. My best friend George always told me I was just really unlucky.
Sometimes it was just simple things like knocking over a bookcase. But other times it was scary. Like when I got really mad and my eyes started to go a fiery red. This had only happened a couple times, but it had scared my parents whenever it did. They knew that I was different, but they refused to believe it was anything illogical.
Today was my sixteenth birthday. My mom insisted on having a party, but only George came over. So the only “party” I got was cake and one friend over. I was sitting on the table as they all sung happy birthday to me. My mom was singing really loud so you could hear her perfectly, George was singing normal so it was hard to hear him over my mom's loud singing, and then my dad was mumbling the words, not really even singing.
“Happy Birthday, dear Austin! Happy Birthday to you!” Then my mom clapped really loudly. “Okay Austin, now you have to blow out your candles.” I sucked in and then let it all out at once. They all went out, making my mom clap again. “I hope you made a good wish.” Oh I knew exactly what I had wished for. I wished to know what was wrong with me, and why no one could seem to give me the answers. But I had been wishing for that since I was six. I knew this year wouldn't be any different.
“Okay, Austin gets the first piece of cake,” my mom said as she handed me a piece. “And then George."
“No problem Mrs. Maze,” George said with a smile as he took the cake from her.
“And of course Brandon. Here you are,” she said as she set a piece in front of him. “Yeah,” my father mumbled as he looked down at the cake without even looking like he planned to eat it.
“What's wrong?” my mother asked him. “It's your son's sixteenth birthday, so cheer up.”
“Do you know what Ryan said to me today?” he asked her. “He told me our family was really starting to freak him out, and he didn't really want to associate with us anymore."
“I'm sorry, honey. People will be people and we just need to keep moving on.”
“Yeah well it's not always that easy now is it?”
“Ryan doesn't want to talk to you anymore?” I asked.
“Yes. That incident at the park freaked him out.”
“It's not like I meant to start that tree on fire.”
“You never mean to do anything, do you?” he asked angrily. “It's just always one thing after another. First it's green slim coming from the house, then it's things lighting on fire, then its snow falling in the middle of the summer-”
“Then it's a trashcan moving in midair and hitting a boy,” George added.
“What? You hit a boy with a trashcan at school?”
I gave a fake laugh. “What? Of course not. George is just being an idiot.” I gave George a look and he got the clue.
“Oh yeah. Sorry, I might have remembered it wrong.”
He folded his arms, looking like he was done talking. “Okay,” my mom said as she tried to change the mood in the air. “You already got your gift from us. And Aunt Cindy said she would bring your gift over when she comes over this weekend."
“Well I should go,” George said, putting down his empty plate on the table. “My parents expected me home by eight.”
“Oh, okay,” my mom said. “We'll see you later, George.”
“Bye,” George waved as he walked out the kitchen door. I heard the front door shut a minute later.
“The game's on,” my dad said happily as he headed into the living room. My mom and I just sat there. This was nothing new. He was crazy about football. Once the game was on you didn't see any trace of him for the next two hours. It was kind of nice in a way.
“So, Austin,” my mom said as she sat down across from me. “Have you looked at the pamphlet I gave you?”
“Mom, I really don't need to go to a special school. I'm fine right where I'm at. Yes, I have some issues I need to work out, but I can handle it.”
“I'm just worried about you,” she told me. “Your principle told us that if there's one more incident with you he's going to expel you. I know you're not a bad kid, but I'm running out of options. What do you want me to do?”
“I don't know, ship me to the crazy house?”
“You're not crazy,” she said as she put a hand on my shoulder. “You just need to control your temper. If everyone who ever said you were a bad kid could see you from my eyes, they wouldn't think you were bad anymore. They just don't know you.”
“Well they're never going to get the chance, because no one wants to. I'm just the crazy guy who always freaks people out.”
She sighed. “I don't know why that happens, but I know you never mean to do it. Maybe we have you see a psychologist.”
“We tried that once remember? He had me for two weeks and then I freaked him out so bad he told you guys I was a lost cause and I should go to a mental institution. Then you took me to a specialist and he told you he couldn't figure out what kind of disorder I had and wanted to do some experiments.”
“There is nothing wrong with you Austin. We can figure this out together as a family.”
“That's what you been saying for the past sixteen years, and we haven't figured out anything. We'll never figure this out.” And with that I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.
“Come on,” my dad said to the TV. “You can do it. Score. No, don't let him take the ball from you. No you idiot. Yes there you go. Now keep it.”
“And he's running,” the announcer on the TV said. “Touchdown!”
“Yes!” Brandon shouted as he jumped out of his seat. I just shook my head. I never did get football.
I went to my room and just flopped down on my bed. I grabbed a baseball from under my bed and started to twirl it in my hands. Then I listened closely and could hear my parents arguing downstairs.
“I just feel like you don't really care what happens to Austin,” my mother said. “You hardly ever talk to him unless it's to complain or yell and you're never willing to help me at all. We both signed the adoption papers which means you agreed to be his father just as much as I agreed to be his mother. Don't you get that? You're the only father he has. Doesn't that mean anything to you?”
“When I signed those adoption papers I didn't know all this was going to happen,” he replied.
“All what?” she asked.
“Open your eyes, Lorie. Weird things happen all the time with him, at home or at school. You've seen what happens when he gets mad. It's like he's demented or something. He scares me. And he's ruined so much of our furniture over the years.”
“I don't know why all those things happened. But Austin's your son. Doesn't that mean anything to you?”
“I don't know okay.” Then I heard the TV turn back on. I started to spin the baseball even faster.
“I don't know? Is that all you have to say?”
He just turned up the TV louder. It was silent and then I heard my mom huff upstairs. I could still hear the TV going.
I shook my head. My real parents didn't want me, my school doesn't want me, the neighborhood doesn't want me, even my own dad doesn't want me. I'm not wanted anywhere.
I put down the ball and then heard my mother come in.
“Austin,” she said quietly. “Goodnight.” Then she put her hand on my arm and kissed me on the forehead. “Honey what's wrong?” she asked me. I guess she could read it on my face. She had always been good at that. I guess it was just a mother thing.
“Why did my real parents abandon me?” I asked her. “Did they not want me because they thought I was a freak too?”
“No one thinks you're a freak, Austin. And it doesn't matter what your real parents did, because you got a great family right here.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I mumbled.
“I know you and your father don't get along. But I know that he loves you.”
“How do you know that?” I challenged.
“Because of when we go fishing every year by the lake. He takes you fishing and then you guys stay up until midnight telling ghost stories. I know there's love there.”
“We haven't gone to the lake in forever because he doesn't want to do that anymore.”
“That's not true. Your father's just been busy. He has a lot to do at work. He's just frustrated right now. He's sacrificed so much for you, I hope you know that. And I know he stands up for you when he's at work, because Ryan was always complaining about it.”
“Hmm. Well can I just go to sleep?”
“Of course. Sweet dreams, Austin.” Then she kissed me on the forehead again and walked into the hallway. I wasn't really tired, but right now being asleep seemed much better than being in reality. I closed my eyes and figured eventually I would fall asleep.
I woke up feeling completely refreshed. But I was amazed when I looked at my clock and it said 12:17. I couldn't remember the last time I had slept that long. I got out of bed, yawned, and then went downstairs.
I saw both my parents in the living room. My mom was reading a book and my dad was fumbling with the TV. “Stupid TV,” he said to it. “I want to watch the game and this stupid thing won't give me a signal.”
My mom looked up from her book and saw me walk downstairs. “Good morning Austin,” she said with a smile. “Or should I say good afternoon?”
“You just barley woke up?” my father asked. “I've been up since eight.”
“Getting the TV to turn on?” I asked.
“No. I've been reading the newspaper for your information. Stupid TV. And it's all because of this horrible weather. I've never seen rain and lightning this bad.”
“It's raining?” I asked as I looked outside. And sure enough, it was pouring. I could see water everywhere. “Wow. Do you think it will flood?”
“It's Chicago,” he said. "It's very possible. It wouldn't be the first time."
“We haven't had this bad of a storm in a long time,” my mom said. “I hope it doesn't do any damage.”
“It already has done damage to my mood,” my father complained. My mother just rolled her eyes. I came over to where my mother was reading and sat down on the cushion next to her. Then I set my head on her shoulders as she put her arm around me.
“Great,” my father complained as he sat down on the couch. “Now what am I supposed to do? The TV's obviously not going to work.”
“How about you try reading a book,” my mom suggested with a smile. “It's a great resource you know.”
“I'll pass. I'm not much of a reader.”
“You used to be,” she pointed out.
“Yeah, well that was a long time ago. I'm not the same person anymore.” she just sighed and went back to her book. “Oh come on Lorie I didn't mean that in a bad way.” she just chose to ignore him. “Fine then be that way. Where does a person get something to eat in this house? Because I'm hungry.”
“How about the kitchen.”
“Yeah, whatever.” Then he headed to the kitchen and got the bread out. “I'll make a fried baloney sandwich, that sounds really good right now.” I made a face. I hated baloney. “Oh great. The garbage disposal's clogged.”
I got up. This was the perfect chance to prove to my dad I was good for something. “I can fix it. I mean I'm sure I have smaller hands than you guys do. So let me try.”
“No,” both of them said at the exact same time.
“No offense, honey, but I think your father can do it,” my mom told me. I knew why they had said that. I had a habit of breaking a lot of the things that I touched. They both knew that so of course they didn't want me touching it. But I was determined to show them I could do something right.
“No I insist. I promise I won't break it. Just give me a chance and I can show you.” My dad moved in front of the garbage disposal to block it from me. “Oh come on dad.”
“No,” he said with his arms folded.
“Listen,” I said as I held up my arm and pointed to the garbage disposal to prove my point. But the pointing I did didn't do what I thought it would. All of a sudden a whole bunch of water came splashing out from the facet. My dad ran to try to shut it off and my mom came running over.
“Turn it off!” she shouted to him.
“I'm trying!” he shouted back. “It's stuck!” He tried with all his might to turn the facet off, but it wouldn't budge. The kitchen was almost completely flooded with water and my mom was still freaking out. I wanted to help, but I knew I would probably just make it worse. It finally stopped after I backed away. By this time all three of us were completely soaked from head to toe.
My father turned to me, looking the angriest I've ever seen him. “Austin!” he shouted. “When I say don't touch it I meant don't touch it. Now look at what you've done. You do realize you're going to have to clean all this up, right?”
“Oh come on you can't possibly blame this all on me. You saw what happened. The only thing I did was move my hand. It was just bad timing was all. You can't blame me.”
“I don't know what happened. But I know it happened right after you moved your hand, so I know that it was you.”
“Now Brandon don't get all worked up about this,” my mother told him. “I'm sure there's a logical explanation." I wondered what excuse she was going to come up with today. "It is raining pretty hard outside. I'm sure the water from the outside just seeped in and Austin just had bad timing. I mean it's not possible just to move your hand and something like that goes crazy.”
“Why do you always make excuses for him?” my father asked. “I don't know what's possible anymore. With him you never know.”
Okay, now I was mad. Everything was always my fault. Any little thing that went wrong in this house was blamed on me. I got really sick of it after a while. “You know what!” I shouted to him. “I'm not some freakish animal that's going to eat you in your sleep, so you should stop treating me like I am! It really irritates me!” By this point both of my parents were looking at me funny and then they both started to back away. My mom grabbed hold of my dad and my dad looked more scared than I had ever seen him.
“Austin, calm down,” my mother told me. They were both huddled against the kitchen sink.
“No!” I shouted to her. “I might be different, but I'm not crazy. And I'm definitely not dangerous. So you guys should just stop treating me like it!” My mom started to cry, and my dad was still looking at me like I was going to eat him or something. I looked down and realized that I was floating! That had never happened before in all the times I had ever freaked anyone out. Now I was starting to scare myself.
I told myself to calm down and then I fell to the floor. I fell in a puddle of water and it splashed all over the kitchen. But I couldn't have done any worse damage than what was already done. I got up off the floor and looked at my parents. My mother was still crying, and my dad was still looking at me weird. I was sure my eyes had just gone red. And the fact that I was floating probably didn't help either.
I panicked, and then did the first thing that came to my mind. I ran. I ran out the door and into the pouring rain. I ran past my neighborhood, past the fields where all the kids would play ball when the weather was nicer, passed my school, and then passed the library on the edge of town. I arrived at a forest. I had been passed it hundreds of times, but it looked kind of creepy in the rain. I thought about it for a minute, and then ran in there.
I came to one of the trees and then just sat down. I started to cry. I had just ruined everything. Not only would my parents that had raised me for sixteen years not want me anymore, but word would get around and no one would want to adopt me either. I would just go from foster home to foster home never having a real family. And then of course no one would want to be my girlfriend. I would be stuck alone for the rest of my life because everyone would be afraid of me.
I looked up because I heard a sound from one of the trees. “Who's there?” I asked.
“Me,” George said as he came out “Are you alright?” he asked me. “I was sitting in my room doing homework and I saw you run past my house. I figured you were up to no good so I came to check it out. What did you do?”
“I completely messed up,” I explained. “My parents aren't going to want me back now. They probably think I'm evil or something.”
“Oh come on, Austin, you've done some pretty scary things in the past and they still loved you. What would make this any different?”
“Yeah, well none of those things added up to this one. This one was really bad.”
“Well what did you do that was so bad?” he asked.
“I lost my temper and I think my eyes went red again. Then I looked down and I was floating! Can you believe it, floating?”
“Floating? Wow, that is crazy." George and I had known each other for so long he got to the point where freaky things like that was just normal so nothing ever surprised him. "How did you manage to do that?”
“I don't know,” I told him. “I just got mad and I looked down and I was floating. It even scared me. I can't remember the last time I scared myself.”
“Hmm. Well, I still say your parents will take you back. You just need to talk to them. They put up with a lot with you over the years. They're not just going to give up on you now. They've had you for sixteen years.”
“Yeah whatever. That wouldn't make a difference.” Then I heard a huge bolt of lightning crack and I even felt the ground shake a little. It sounded really close. Like it had just knocked over a tree in this exact forest.
“Whoa that was loud,” George told me. “The forest isn't the safest place during a lightning storm. How about we go to my house and you can call your parents when you're ready? And my mom can tell them you with us so they won't be worried.”
“Worried? I highly doubt they'll be worried.”
“Just come on,” he said as he pulled my arm. I followed him but only got a few steps when I saw something. It looked like fog, but it was different. It looked kind of purplish, not the color of normal fog. I looked at it more closely and then realized it was moving toward us.
“Is that fog?” I asked George.
“I think so. But is fog supposed to look like that?”
“Is fog supposed to move like that?” I asked worriedly.
“I've never seen anything like that. We should really get out of here" I could hear the fear in his voice. And that wasn't normal for George.
“Right behind you,” I said as I followed. We both started to jog, but the faster we went the closer the fog would get.
“Killer fog run!” he shouted as we both took off. We ran as fast as we could, but it just kept getting closer. Then I realized it wasn't coming after both of us, it was just coming after me. What made me so special that killer fog would want to chase me? I tripped over a tree root but then didn't have the strength to get back up.
“Come on Austin,” George said as he tried to pull me up. “We have to keep moving or the fog will get us.”
“It's not after you,” I told him. “It's chasing after me. Just go back home and don't worry about it. You'll be alright.”
“No! I'm not leaving you here. Now come on.” I attempted to get up but my legs didn't want to budge. I didn't know why, because I always thought I was in pretty good shape. I was even on the track team once. But I quit because of some of the jerks on the team.
Being down for a little while was enough for the fog. It started to circle around me and then picked me up off the ground. George just sat there staring in utter amazement.
It felt so weird. It was hard to explain. It was like I was in a fire, but it wasn't hot. It actually felt kind of cold. A cold fire? Maybe this was all a dream and I would wake up back at my house. Then I would tell my mom this crazy dream and she would just laugh. Now I was sure of it. I mean there's no such thing as cold fire. But then again there's no such thing as killer fog or someone floating up off the ground. It had to be a dream!
“Austin!” George shouted. “Try to escape! You can do it!”
I just ignored him. There was something about this that was just so interesting. I couldn't try to escape just yet. “It's okay,” I heard a voice say that I was sure was in my head. The last I saw was George sitting on the ground crying his eyes out as I went through a hole the fog had produced.
The hole was like a roller coaster. It took me all different directions and then I finally saw a light at the end. That was where I knew I would come out at. And when I came out I was sure I would wake up in my bed, this being all just some crazy dream. I close my eyes and braced myself.
Last edited by stargazer9927 on Thu Mar 24, 2011 1:27 am, edited 4 times in total.
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D




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I reviewed your forward piece and completely loved it.
This time you haven't got as much description, but it can be hard to fit description in when your story is in first person. Try describing the house and Austin's parents in the way Austin thinks of them. If you use metaphors it will help make the describing parts easier.

When reading it only to things stuck out. When Austin is in his room listening to his parents argue, how does he know that his mum gave his dad a mad look?
The other thing was when Austin says:
Do you think it will flood?

You don't really need him thinking it before hand. It's kind of repetitive.

Apart from that, it was very good.
X BlackRose X




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I mean, not just me, but everyone who knew me knew that.

" . . . not just me . . . " is kind of like an interjection, a side note.

Sometimes, it was just simple things like knocking over a bookcase.


my eyes started to go a bright, fire red.

Put a comma between two adjectives.

Luckily, my mom was always happy.


So, as you can imagine I also don't have very many friends.

This goes for the other two before this one as well. These are like add-ons at the beginning of the story. They serve no importance to the sentence itself, so add a comma after them.

I have one: George.

Colon instead of comma here.

“Happy Birthday, dear Austin!


“No problem, Mrs. Maze,”

Add a comma before you add a person's name at the end of a sentence.

It's not like I meant to start set that tree on fire.”


“It's Chicago. I highly doubt it.”

Chicago is built on swamp land. There's always a good chance of flooding.

“He did just move his hand, so it could have been just really bad timing.

At this point his mother could blame the rain. She could say it's raining so hard that it's forcing its way through the pipes.

“Killer fog fun!”

How is killer fog fun? ;) Maybe run. Also add comma after fog.

Overall: Interesting story, but no a whole lot of meat to eat. You need to add a slightly bit more description and review on your comma rules because that was your main grammar problem. Before you post next time, get a big list of comma rules and just go through your story and see if you can find where some go. Anyways, keep writing and if you need help or a review feel free to PM me on YWS.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf
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Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*




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Uh oh. I just got off work again... So I apologise in advance if I'm too much of a monster here. ;D Rawr.

I'm gonna make pretty colours with this review, here. Just to warn youuu. I thought you deserved a more thorough review from me. C:

Green = I like this part.
Bold = my comments.
[Comma] = Pretty self-explanatory. A comma needs to be placed here.
[Bold] = My suggestions/missing word.
Strike-through = it would sound better without this word.
Oraaaange = A section that could be improved... (Orange is nicer than red. ;D)

I always knew I was different. I like this first line. Good hook. I mean[comma] not just me[comma] but everyone who knew me knew that. Whether it was doing something by accident or getting really mad and something unplanned happening, I always managed to cause some sort of trouble. I never meant to do anything, but it always seemed to happen. My best friend George always told me I was just really unlucky.
Sometimes it was just simple things like knocking over a bookcase. But other times it was scary. Like when I got really mad and my eyes started to go a bright [fiery] red. One needed to be taken out, to improve the flow a bit more. "Bright red" is overdone, and "fiery red" give you a great image of dancing flames. Or it does with me... O.o This had only happened a couple times, but it had scared my parents whenever it did. They knew that I was different, but they refused to believe it was anything illogical.
My mom was a really sweet lady. She was an excellent mother and always supported me no matter what mess I'd managed to get myself into. She would always make up some sort of excuse whenever I would do something unbelievable. We got along very well.
Then there was my father. Don't get me wrong he's a great guy and I love him, but we don't exactly get along. He doesn't make up excuses for the crazy things that happen. He just tells my mom he doesn't know what's wrong with me and that I scare him. Yeah, half of the bad things that happen when I lose my temper happen with him, so he has reason to be afraid of me. I would never do anything to hurt anyone, but you never knew when I lost my temper. He never believed me when I told him I couldn't control it.
I was adopted, so it kind of scares me. I always wanted to find out some more information about my real parents, but my parents never seemed very supportive of that. “Why do you need to know about them?” my mom would ask.
“Yeah, we're the ones that raised you all these years, not them,” my father would tell me. I understood where they were coming from. But if you had as many freaky things happen as me, you would want to know about them too.
Our neighbors hated us. I freaked all them out when I caused green slim to come out of our house. I have no clue how, because I didn't know we even have green slim in our city. Anytime they have to mention our house, they just say our address. No one dared mention the “Crazy Maze” family. It drove my dad nuts because he had many friends before and now no one would even look in his direction. No one would talk to him at work so he just worked alone in his office and then came home all grumpy. Luckily my mom was always happy. She didn't care that none of the ladies in town would talk to her anymore. She would just tell them I was her son and she loved me anytime they would bring me up.
So as you can imagine I also don't have very many friends. I have one, George. No one talks to him at school because he talks to me, but it doesn't bother him. He knows there's something strange about me, but he accepts it. So even when almost everyone hates me, I still have some people who don't. It's nice to know. Okay. So I was reading through this and I noticed you you've done what a lot of people do. I've been giving into nostalgia and have been looking through some of my first stories and I too have done exactly the same thing: Info dumping.
Info-dumping is where you tell the reader too much background or unneeded information and it slows the pace of your story and makes it unattractive to read. Try to explain or hint at what you've said here through actions or the way your characters talk. You could take all of that out and it really wouldn't matter; it's all shown through the dialogue later on.
For example, "My mom was a really sweet lady", well, just show us that she is, the perfect example is how she stands by Austin when his father is trashing his birthday. As for the excuse part, that's also evident when Austin causes the flood and she believes it's a coincidence. The rest of it comes up when they're talking later, so you don't really need to tell it to us here. Trust me, it'll sound a lot better without those paragraphs. C:

Today was actually my sixteenth birthday. Sounds a lot more dramatic and attention grabbing without the conversational "actually". This is your first chapter; you want to grab readers and make them beg for more. ;D My mom insisted on having a party[[comma] but] of course I have no friends[only George came over], so the only “party” I got was cake and one friend over. Okay, scrap the "I have no friends" part, that sounds way too self-pitying. he's grown up, kinda, with only one friend, so it wouldn't really be any different from other birthday parties where just George has turned up... I was sitting on the table as the three people that were actually there sung happy birthday to me. Watch it; his whining is soon going to wear thin. My mom was singing really loud so you could hear her perfectly, George was singing normal[ly] so it was hard to hear him over my mom's loud singing, and then my dad was mumbling the words, not really even singing.
“Happy Birthday[comma] dear Austin! Happy Birthday to you!” Then my mom clapped really loudly. I love his mum. She sounds so funny. you know, the over-enthusiastic kind. C: Such a mumsy thing to do, too. “Okay Austin, now you have to blow out your candles.” I sucked in and then let it all out at once. They all went out, making my mom clap again. “I hope you made a good wish.” Oh I knew exactly what I had wished for. I wished to know what was wrong with me, and why no one could seem to give me the answers. But I had been wishing for that since I was six. I knew this year wouldn't be any different. I like this. It's just right. Not overly moany...which is how I view your MC at the moment ... sorry...
“Okay[comma] Austin gets the first piece of cake,” my mom said as she handed me a piece. “And then George. Thanks for coming by the way. I'm sure it means a lot to Austin.” Why would she highlight that her son has only one friend? And since he does have only one friend, he and George must be even closer since they've only got each other. It's expected that he should be there for his close friend.... It would make more sense what she said if Austin and George had just met and Austin totally doted on George, but they've been friends for years, yes....?
“No problem[comma] Mrs. Maze,” George said with a smile as he took the cake from her.
“And of course Brandon. Here you are,” she said as she set a piece in front of him. “It's chocolate, your favorite.” Shouldn't the cake be for Austin? How you've phrased it makes me think she's done the cake just for Brandon.
“Yeah,” my father said grumpily. Okay, this is alright. However, I want you to make me feel like I'm not there, not that I'm sitting in my chair at home while you tell me what happened. Spice it up a little. ["Yeah," Dad grunted as he shifted in his armchair. He turned the pages of his newspaper, purposefully not looking at anyone.] Okay, not the best of examples, but rather than "he said grumpily" you've got a sharper, smaller way of describing how he said it. I've also stuck in an action, because right now, everyone is just floating around eating cake, and apart from Austin, I have no idea where they are or what they might have been doing before. also, why does Austin keep referring to his parents as "my mum, my dad". Shouldn't he be more casual than that? "Mum, Dad..." Do you always say "my mum, my dad"?
“What's wrong?” my mother asked him. “It's your son's sixteenth birthday, so cheer up.”
“Do you know what Ryan said to me today?” He asked her.Typo!! lowercase "h". ;D “He told me our family was really starting to freak him out, and he didn't really want to associate with us anymore. Can you believe it? We've been best friends for years and now he wants nothing to do with me.” Hmmm, yes, can I believe it? If they've been friends for years, why suddenly say this out of the blue? Did he find out about something else Austin did? Something that made him snap?
“I'm sorry[comma] honey. People will be people and we just need to keep moving on.”
“Yeah[comma] well[comma] it's not always that easy now[comma] is it?”
“Ryan doesn't want to talk to you anymore?” I asked.
“Yes. That incident at the park freaked him out.” Ohhhhh.
“It's not like I meant to start that tree on fire.”
“You never mean to do anything[comma] do you?” he asked angrily. “It's just always one thing after another. First its typo - apostrophe missed green slim coming from the house, then it's things lighting on fire, then its snow falling in the middle of the summer-”
“Then it's a trashcan moving in midair and hitting a boy,” George added. Haha! Sounds like everyone's ganging up on him!

“What? You hit a boy with a trashcan at school?”
I gave a fake laugh. “What[?] [Of] course not. George is just being an idiot.” I gave George a look and he got the clue.
“Oh yeah. Sorry, I might have remembered it wrong.”
He folded his arms[[comma] looking] and acted like he was done talking. New paragraph. “Okay,” my mom said as she tried to change the [subject]mood in the air. When you change the subject, you try and change the mood, too. “You already got your gift from us. And Aunt Cindy said she would bring your gift over when she comes over this weekend.” I got a really nice camera and a bunch of CD's from my parents. They were some pretty good CD's. I definitely planned to listen to them. Again, do we really need to know this? If it's not important to the story and isn't important later, it's just clutter. Be ruthless! Clear out the clutter until you're left with a shell of a room, then you can work on adding really nice furniture later. C:
“Well[comma] I should go,” George said[[comma] putting down his empty plate on the table]. “My parents expected me home by eight.” Add actions to keep your characters grounded, rather than floating randomly about on the page.
“Oh[comma] okay,” my mom said. “We'll see you later[comma] George.”
“Bye,” George waved as he walked out the which? door. Seriously, the living room door, or is the front door which for some reason they have in their living room. Wait, are they even in the living room??
“I really like George,” my mom said. “He's a good kid. And it's good you have at least one person you can call a friend.” Again, if Austin and George are such good friends, surely George would've come around a lot before? His mum sounds like she's only met George that one time.
I just nodded. I really didn't need to be reminded I only had one friend. Nor do we, really... It was way depressing, and it made me feel like a complete loser. But then again, I was a complete loser. So it really shouldn't matter, but I didn't want to be reminded. Oh, my gosh, why is this guy even living? Since he's so sure there's nothing good about his life, why hasn't he turned suicidal yet?

“The game's on,” my dad said happily as he headed into the living room. So where are Austin and his mum? He was crazy about football. Once the game was on you didn't see any trace of him for the next two hours. It was kind of nice in a way. Ohhh! This sentence is a jem! It says so much about Austin and Brandon (yes, that name's a lot better than Edward! Phew! C:) in such a subtle way. I have so much love for this sentence!
“So[comma] Austin,” my mom said as she sat down across from me. “Have you looked at the pamphlet I gave you?”
“Mom, I really don't need to go to a special school. I'm fine right where I'm at. Yes[comma] I have some issues I need to work out[comma] but I can handle it.”
“I'm just worried about you,” she told me. “Your principle told us that if there's one more incident with you he's going to expel you. I know you're not a bad kid, but I'm running out of options. What do you want me to do?”
“I don't know, ship me to the crazy house?”
“You're not crazy,” she said as she put a hand on my shoulder. “You just need to control your temper. If everyone who ever said you were a bad kid could see you from my eyes, they wouldn't think you were bad anymore. They just don't know you.”
“Well they're never going to get the chance, because no one wants to. I'm just the crazy guy who always freaks people out.”
She sighed. “I don't know why that happens, but I know you never mean to do it. Maybe we have you see a psychologist.”
“We tried that once remember? He had me for two weeks and then I freaked him out so bad he told you guys I was a lost cause and I should go to a mental institution. Then you took me to a specialist and he told you he couldn't figure out what kind of disorder I had and wanted to do some experiments but you refused.” It's kinda obvious she would refuse... Love the way you explain about what they've done for him. Did they see the note Emma left? Why put him through all that?
“There is nothing wrong with you Austin. We can figure this out together as a family.”
“That's what you been saying for the past sixteen years, and we haven't figured out anything. We'll never figure this out.” And with that I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.
“Come on,” my dad said to the [?people? on the]TV. “You can do it. Score. No, don't let him take the ball from you. No[comma] you idiot. Yes[comma] there you go. Now keep it.”
“And he's running,” the announcer on the TV said. “Touchdown!”
“Yes!” Brandon shouted as he jumped out of his seat. I just shook my head. I never did get football.
I went to my room and just flopped down on my bed. I listened closely and could hear my parents arguing downstairs.
“I just feel like you don't really care what happens to Austin,” my mother said. “You hardly ever talk to him unless it's to complain or yell and you're never willing to help me at all. We both signed the adoption papers which means you agreed to be his father just as much as I agreed to be his mother. Don't you get that? You're the only father he has. Doesn't that mean anything to you?”
“When I signed those adoption papers I didn't know all this was going to happen,” he replied.
“All what?” she asked.
“Open your eyes[comma] Lorie. Weird things happen all the time with him, at home or at school. You've seen what happens when he gets mad. It's like he's demented or something. He scares me. And he's ruined so much of our furniture over the years.”
“I don't know why all those things happened. But Austin's your son. Doesn't that mean anything to you?”
“I don't know[comma] okay.” Then he sat down and turned the TV back on. How does he know he sat down? Did the chair squeak? It's obvious with the TV, you know, it's noisy. But I'm getting the impression you're visualising the argument between Brandon and Lorie, not visualising Austin listening to them in his room. Bring us into the scene with Austin more. Say the voices are muffled by the walls, he can feel the vibrations of a door slamming (if you have that ;D). Have Austin playing with something absentmindedly, and how as the argument deepens, he becomes rougher with whatever he's playing with.
“I don't know? Is that all you have to say?”
He just turned up the TV louder. My mom gave him a mad look and then huffed upstairs. Er, yeah, what? Wow, he has good eyesight. He can see through walls.... He just went back to his TV like nothing had happened. Are you sure he's not watching them from the stairs?
I shook my head. My real parents didn't want me, my school doesn't want me, the neighborhood doesn't want me, even my own dad doesn't want me. I'm not wanted anywhere.
I began to lie [lay]down for a moment until I heard my mother come in. New paragraph. “Austin,” she said quietly. “Goodnight.” Then she put her hand on my arm and kissed me on the forehead. “Honey[comma] what's wrong?” she asked me. What did he do that made her ask that? Like, stiffen, look away?
“Why did my real parents abandon me?” I asked her. “Did they not want me because they thought I was a freak[comma] too?”
“No one thinks you're a freak[comma] Austin. And it doesn't matter what your real parents did, because you got a great family right here.”
“Yeah[comma] I guess,” I mumbled.
“I know you and your father don't get along. But I know that he loves you.”
“How do you know that?” I challenged.
“Because of when we go fishing every year by that one [the] lake. If it's just the one lake, then he'd know what she was talking about. He takes you fishing and then you guys stay up until midnight telling ghost stories. I know there's love there.”
“We haven't gone to the lake in many years Would a teenage boy say that? because he doesn't want to do that anymore.”
“That's not true. Your father's just been busy. He has a lot to do at work. He's just frustrated right now. He's sacrificed so much for you, I hope you know that. And I know he stands up for you when he's at work, because Ryan was always complaining about it.” Awwww..
“Hmm. Well can I just go to sleep?”
“Of course. Sweet dreams[comma] Austin.” Then she kissed me on the forehead again and walked into the hallway. I wasn't really tired, but right now being asleep seemed much better than being in reality. I closed my eyes and decided eventually I would fall asleep. Decided?
I woke up feeling completely refreshed. But I was amazed when I looked at my clock and it said 12:17. I couldn't remember the last time I had slept that long. I got out of bed, yawned, and then went downstairs.
I saw both my parents in the living room. My mom was reading a book and my dad was fumbling with the TV. “Stupid TV,” he said to it. “I want to watch the game and this stupid thing won't give me a signal.”
My mom looked up from her book and saw me walk downstairs. “Good morning Austin,” she said with a smile. “Or should I say good afternoon[?] not a full-stop.
“You just barley woke up?” my father asked. “I've been up since eight.”
“Getting the TV to turn on?” I asked. Ha ha

“No. I've been reading the newspaper[comma] for your information. Stupid TV. And it's all because of this horrible weather. I've never seen rain and lightning this bad.”
“It's raining?” I asked as I looked outside. And sure enough, it was pouring. With the looks of it we might even get a flood. “Wow. Do you think it will flood?”
“It's Chicago. I highly doubt it.”
“We haven't had this bad of a storm in a long time,” my mom said. “I hope it doesn't do any damage.”
“It already has done damage to my mood,” my father complained. My mother just rolled her eyes. I came over to where my mother was reading and sat down on the cushion next to her. Then I set my head on her shoulders as she put her arm around me. I don't know, I'm having trouble picturing that.. it might just be me, but most sixteen year olds avoid cuddling up to their mothers..
“Great,” my father complained as he sat down on the couch. “Now what am I supposed to do? The TV's obviously not going to work.”
“How about you try reading a book,” my mom suggested with a smile. “It's a great resource[comma] you know.”
“I'll pass. I'm not much of a reader.”
“You used to be,” she pointed out.
“Yeah, well that was a long time ago. I'm not the same person anymore.” he just sighed and went back to her book. “Oh come on Lorie I didn't mean that in a bad way.” she just chose to ignore him. “Fine then be that way. Where does a person get something to eat in this house[?] I'm hungry[.]
“How about the kitchen.”
“Yeah[comma] whatever.” Then he headed to the kitchen and got the bread out. “I'll make a fried baloney sandwich, that sounds really good right now.” I made a face. I hated baloney. “Oh great. The garbage disposal[ ' ]s clogged.”
I got up. This was the perfect chance to prove to my dad I was good for something. “I can fix it. I mean I'm sure I have smaller hands than you guys do. So let me try.”
“No,” both of them said at the exact same time.
“No offense[comma] honey[comma] but I think your father can do it,” my mom told me. I knew why they had said that. I had a habit of breaking a lot of the things that I touched. They both knew that so of course they didn't want me touching it. But I was determined to show them I could do something right.
“No I insist. I promise I won't break it. Just give me a chance and I can show you.” My dad moved in front of the garbage disposal to block it from me. “Oh[comma] come on[comma] dad.”
“No,” he said with his arms folded.
“Listen,” I held up my arm and pointed to the garbage disposal. Why was he pointing at it? But the pointing I did didn't do what I thought it would. All of a sudden a whole bunch of water came splashing out from the facet. My dad ran to try to shut it off and my mom came running over.
“Turn it off!” she shouted to him.
“I'm trying!” he shouted back. “It's stuck!” He tried with all his might to turn the facet off, but it wouldn't budge. The kitchen was almost completely flooded with water and my mom was still freaking out. I wanted to help, but I knew I would probably just make it worse. Finally after about ten minutes of trying the water finally stopped. He timed it? By this time[comma] all three of us were completely soaked from head to toe.
My father turned to me, looking the angriest I've ever seen him. “Austin!” he shouted. “When I say don't touch it I meant don't touch it. Now look at what you've done. You do realize your [you're!!] going to have to clean all this up[comma] right?”
“Oh[comma] come on[comma] you can't possibly blame this all on me. You saw what happened. The only thing I did was move my hand. It was just bad timing was all. You can't blame me.”
“I don't know what happened. But I know it happened right after you moved your hand, so I know that it was you.”
“Now Brandon[comma] don't get all worked up about this,” my mother told him. “He did just move his hand, so it could have been just really bad timing. It's not possible just to move your hand and something like that goes crazy.”
“Why do you always make excuses for him?” my father asked. “I don't know what's possible anymore. With him you never know.”
Okay, now I was mad. Everything was always my fault. Any little thing that went wrong in this house was blamed on me. I got really sick of it after a while. "I was getting really sick of it"? It sounds like he's talking about something ages ago. “You know what!” I shouted to him. “I'm not some freakish animal that's going to eat you in your sleep, so you should stop treating me like I am! It really irritates me! No duh.” By this point both of my parents were looking at me funny and then they both started to back away. My mom grabbed hold of my dad and my dad looked more scared than I had ever seen him.
“Austin[comma] calm down,” my mother told me. They were both huddled against the kitchen sink.
“No!” I shouted to her. “I might be different, but I'm not crazy. And I'm definitely not dangerous. So you guys should just stop treating me like it!” My mom started to cry, and my dad was still looking at me like I was going to eat him or something. I looked down and realized that I was floating! That had never happened before in all the times I had ever freaked anyone out. Now I was starting to scare myself.
I told myself to calm down and then I fell to the floor. I fell in a puddle of water and it splashed all over the kitchen. But I couldn't have done any worse damage than what was already done. I got up off the floor and looked at my parents. My mother was still crying, and my dad was still looking at me weird. I was sure my eyes had just gone red. And the fact that I was floating probably didn't help either.
I panicked, and then did the first thing that came to my mind. I ran. I ran out the door and into the pouring rain. I ran past my neighborhood, past the fields where all the kids would play ball when the weather was nicer, passed my school, and then passed the library on the edge of town. I arrived at a forest. All the little kids were always told not to play in there because it was dangerous A dangerous forest? Oh stargazer! Why?! can't it just be a normal forest that looks creepy in the rain? Why must it be dangerous, like most forests in stories nowadays?? , so I had never been in there before. I thought about it for a minute, and then ran in there.
I came to one of the trees and then just sat down. I started to cry. I had just ruined everything. Not only would my parents that had raised me for sixteen years not want me anymore, but word would get around and no one would want to adopt me either. I would just go from foster home to foster home never having a real family. And then of course no one would want to marry me. I can't help but feel most teenage boys would be more worried at the thought of losing girlfriends than wives. I would be stuck alone for the rest of my life because everyone would be afraid of me.
I looked up because I heard a sound from one of the trees. “Who's there?” I asked.
“Me,” George said as he came out. WHY IS GEORGE IN A DANGEROUS FOREST WHEN IT'S POURING WITH RAIN?!?! I always admired George's dark hair. And he was a pretty buff guy with the perfect tan skin tone. I was really surprised he didn't have a girlfriend yet. It was probably because he hung out with me. But with him being wet right now, I could imagine any girl wanting him. Okay, let's not beat around the bush. Your MC sounds like a girl. Especially with this. Or is he gay?? :O “Are you alright?” he asked me. “I got worried when I saw you running like a maniac away from your house. What did you do?” I still think it's odd that he's out there... O.O
“I completely messed up,” I told him. “My parents aren't going to want me back now. They probably think I'm evil or something.”
“Oh[comma] come on[comma] Austin[comma] you've done some pretty scary things in the past and they still loved you. What would make this any different?”
“Yeah, well[comma] none of those things added up to this one. This one was really bad.”
“Well[comma] what did you do that was so bad?” he asked.
“I lost my temper and I think my eyes went red again. Then I looked down and I was floating! Can you believe it, floating?”
“Floating? Wow[comma] that is crazy. How did you manage to do that?” Shouldn't there be the faintest hint of disbelief..?
“I don't know,” I told him. “I just got mad and I looked down and I was floating. It even scared me. I can't remember the last time I scared myself.”
“Hmm. Well[comma] I still say your parents will take you back. You just need to talk to them. They put up with a lot with you over the years. They're not just going to give up on you now. They've had you for sixteen years.”
“Yeah[comma] whatever. That wouldn't make a difference.” Then I heard a huge bolt of lightning crack and I even felt the ground shake a little. It sounded really close. Like it had just knocked over a tree in this exact forest.
“Whoa[comma] that was loud,” George told me. “The forest isn't the safest place during a lightning storm. How about we go to my house and you can call your parents when you're ready[?] And my mom can tell them you with us so they won't be worried.”
“Worried? I highly doubt they'll be worried.”
“Just come on,” he said as he pulled my arm. I followed him but only got a few steps when I saw something. It looked like fog, but it was different. It looked kind of purplish, not the color of normal fog. I looked at it more closely and then realized it was moving toward us.
“Is that fog?” I asked George.
“I think so. But is fog supposed to look like that?”
“Is fog supposed to move like that?” I asked worriedly.
“Oh no it is moving toward us. We have to get out of here!” Oh, Stargazer. It sounds like an episode of scoobydoo or something. Would you honestly say that if you were in their situation?
“Right behind you,” I said as I followed. We both started to jog, but the faster we went the closer the fog would get.
“Killer fog[comma] [r]un!” he shouted as we both took off in a run. We ran as fast as we could, but it just kept getting closer. Then I realized it wasn't coming after both of us, it was just coming after me. How did he realise this? They're both running together, so it would appear it was following both of them. What made me so special that killer fog would want to chase me? Oh really? Really?? He's been complaining through the whole chapter how he is different and no one likes him and he thinks that?I tripped over a tree root but then didn't have the strength to get back up.
“Come on[comma] Austin,” George said as he tried to pull me up. “We have to keep moving or the fog will get us.”
“It's not after you,” I told him. “It's chasing after me. Just go back home and don't worry about it. Really? he expects his friend to do that? You'll be alright.”
“No! I'm not leaving you here. Now come on.” I attempted to get up but my legs didn't want to budge. I didn't know why, because I always thought I was in pretty good shape. I was even on the track team once. But I quit because of some of the jerks on the team.
The moment I was down was enough for the fog. But he's been down for a while, telling George to go, the fog didn't get him the moment he fell down. It started to circle around me and then picked me up off the ground. George just sat there staring in utter amazement.
It felt so weird. It was hard to explain. It was like I was in a fire, but it wasn't hot. It actually felt kind of cold. A cold fire? Maybe this was all a dream and I would wake up back at my house. Then I would tell my mom this crazy dream and she would just laugh. Now I was sure of it. I mean there's no such thing as cold fire. But then again there's no such thing as killer fog or someone floating up off the
ground. It had to be a dream! I think you pressed "enter" in the middle of that sentence..
“Austin!” George shouted. “Try to escape! You can do it!”
I just ignored him. There was something about this that was just so interesting. I couldn't try to escape just yet. “It's okay,” I heard a voice say that I was sure was in my head. The last I saw was George sitting on the ground crying his eyes out as I went through a hole. What hole? From where? How had it appeared?
The hole was like a roller coaster. It took me all different directions and then I finally saw a light at the end. There's always light at the end of the tunnel ;D ..Sorry. That was where I knew I would come out at. And when I came out I was sure I would wake up in my bed, this being all just some crazy dream. I close my eyes and braced myself.


Allllright, then. When I did the majority of the review, I was really tired, so I might have missed the odd thing here and there, sorry. What I did happen to notice was the pure lack of description in some areas. Imagine your readers are blind and can't see anything, how would you describe the places/people/objects to them. Actually, how would Austin describe it to them? Since he is the narrator after all.
You said you were going to do first person from a few other characters? That's great! It's very interesting to get other characters' different voices in. One Author who seems to always do this with her books is Marianne Curley. When she starts a chapter with a certain character, she lets the readers know straight away who it is. She does this:
Chapter One

Austin


I always knew I was different. I mean, not just me, but everyone who knew me knew that.

See? You can see straight away whose chapter it is! Ohh, and while I'm sort of on the subject of presentation: you got it nailed! ..What I was talking about in my other review... ;D
I don't know why you made me like Brandon and then dislike him later on...
Well, that's all I've got to say, except maybe look over the show Vs tell article again and comma rules..? I know, they're pesky things. Well, I certainly didn't see the fog coming! And you had good humour at quite a few places. Good dialogue at parts. (Love his mum!) And still, good ideas. Can't wait to see where Austin ends up. ;D
Oh dear, and I've just seen the length of my review.... I'm so sorry, it's just once I start yakking, I can't stop.... I hope this is all helpful to you..??

~EmmaJane~
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD



I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25