I have to say, these two are great. You can tell they're troublemakers, but the really smart kind, from the way they talk and think. Actually, the dialogue was very well-used. The style is quick and interesting but also tells us a lot about the characters, so well done there.
I would recommend making your paragraph breaks consistent. I got confused as to the setting--especially time--at some places. Here would be an example:
“I guess I’m in, tonight we’ll hit the spot and work out a plan.”
Our spot was a local diner called Fudd’s. The food was greasy and delicious and completely fattening.
For a moment, until I read on, I thought you had already jumped ahead in time to when they were at Fudd's, because there were no spaces between the lines of dialogue.
My other suggestion would be to expand this a little more--just a bit. It is kind of short. I think you could add to their conversation. Evan seems a little hesitant at first; could you make it a little harder for the narrator to convince him? That would both add to character and put in more interesting dialogue.
Other than that stuff, this was so cool. I got a kick out of watching them plan trouble. Your hook grabbed me--dialogue makes a great hook when used well--and your ending fit just right with the story. I'd love to see more of these characters. Great job. PM if you have questions.
The issue I first spotted at a glance is how you have a pretty bad case of what's known as talking heads. Talking heads is when dialogue goes back and forth between two people, without any description to space out the dialogue. Having description space out the dialogue is important, because it allows readers to get an idea of the setting, the character movements, and get an emotional connection to the characters. You can sometimes get the emotional connection can be gotten through dialogue, but setting cannot. And since it's nice to have some idea of where the characters are, putting in some description or movements is a good idea. This article goes into more detail on the topic.
I'd also take a look at your dialogue punctuation. RIght now, you have several commas where the dialogue should end in a period. I'd point out the locations, but every time you have a character do an action after the dialogue you'd used a comma instead of a period. This article goes into more detail on the topic.
You have some interesting characters here, and an interesting situation, but the grammar and talking heads turned me off.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo
Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
'This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer. 'I never could get the hang of Thursdays.' — Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
