Holly Moon-Chapter one

Chapter one-Holly

I am so sick and tired of waiting around, stuck here being something I'm not. Nobody asks me what I want to do- I want to fight.

Holly Moon was stuck. Inside. On the most beutiful day of the year. Learning HERBS. Not fun. She couldn't help but daydream about being outside running through the forest.
"Holly? Holly dear did you hear me?"
"Wha?"Holly looked up to see her Aunt Rose glaring at her.
Aunt Rose sighed,"Holly Moon you need to learn this- soon you will be in charge of the buisiness"
[i]I never wanted this!,Holly thought resisting her urge to say it alound.
"Ha, well look at the time. I better go.",Holly murmered and ran out of the room.
That's all Holly's life had been about family buisiness this and herb that. Holly was truly starting to hate it. When she got outside her dog, Fern, was waiting outside. Holly smiled all her frustration evaperating.
"Come on Fern!", Holly said and the pair took off heading for a clearing in the forest.
Right before the clearing, however, Holly came halting to a stop. Leaning down she rolled over an ordinary rock-and pulled out her shimmering sword.

Now if you talk to any child in the small villiage of Kiyee they would tell you of an open clearing in the middle of Kiyee forest that they use for swordplay. Shocked you may ask 'Swordplay!!!" The child would nodd and tell you of the green-eyed, black haired champion, Holly Moon. That's just what she did.
Holly and her sword were the best. In fact it was rumored she hade never lost a battle. Her sword amazed everyone. It was always and ready. Some said it was magic(little ones), some said it was pure skill (older ones), and one said it was destiny(nobody to him listened though). Always ALWAYS there was something going on-and Holly would fight through it all. So naturally, Holly was suprised when she entered a dull and lifeless arena. Only two boys were thrusting weak blows at each other. Kyle and Brandon. Holly decided to stay in the dark until the battle was over. Thrust, blow, block, twist, thrust. Holly knew the moves by heart. Finally Brandon ruled Kyle with a short sword thrust. She came out of the darkness, clapping. They both looked up, startled.
"Holly!", Brandon greeted his eyes shimmering.
"Hey Brandon, Kyle", Holly said "It hasn't been this empty since...You know"
Of corse they knew. Since my father left was to hard to say.
"Holly.", Brandon placed a hand on her shoulder,"The news came in this morning. They've attacked."
Holly was terrified. The Mackarians had her country, never attacking. Her country ,Donalee, was helpless because of an agreement signed years ago. Now at last they could fight. Holly was both relieved and upset.
"Thanks for telling me. Um...well bye.",she said then turned and fled to the forest with Fern at her feet. The forest usually made Holly happy with it's thick towering pine trees , soft ground, and sweet smell. However, today she only wanted to escape.So she ran and ran only stopping a few times to stop and slash her sword at innocent trees. Panting Holly stopped at the beutiful Aurau river to sit down and sob.

Hey crafty! Welcome to the site. I'm Kaedee. Or KD. Whatever you want, basically. ^^

So. I can tell this really does have lots of potential. This was fun to read through! I wanted to read more when the chapter came to the close; that's good. But, this whole chapter is a bit confusing.

The first thing you need to do, in my opinion, is organize it better.

I see that you're changing time periods from the first paragraph:

craftywriter wrote:I am so sick and tired of waiting around, stuck here being something I'm not. Nobody asks me what I want to do. I want to fight.

Holly Moon was stuck. Inside. On the most beutiful day of the year. Learning HERBS. Not fun. She couldn't help but daydream about being outside running through the forest.
"Holly? Holly dear did you hear me?"
"wha?"Holly looked up to see her Aunt Rose glaring at her.
Aunt Rose sighed,"Holly Moon you need to learn this- soon you will be in charge of the buisiness"
I never wanted this!,Holly thought resisting her urge to say it alound.
"Ha, well look at the time. I better go.",Holly murmered and ran out of the room.
That's all Holly's life had been about family buisiness this and herb that. Holly was truly starting to hate it. when she got outside her dog, Fern, was waiting outside. Holly smiled all her frustration evaperating.
"Come on Fern!", Holly said and the pair took off heading for a clearing in the forest.
Right before the clearing, however, Holly came halting to a stop. Leaning down she rolled over an ordinary rock-and pulled out a shimmering sword.

and to the second:

craftywriter wrote:Now if you talk to child in the small villiage of Kiyee they would tell you of an open clearing in the middle of Kiyee forest that they use for swordplay. Shocked you may ask 'Swordplay!!!" The child would nodd and tell you of the green-eyed, black haired champion, Holly Moon. That's just what she did.
Holly and her sword were the best. In fact it was rumored she hade never lost a battle. Her sword amazed everyone. It was always and ready. Some said it was magic(little ones), some said it was pure skill (older ones), and one said it was destiny(nobody to him listened though). Always ALWAYS there was something going on-and Holly would fight through it all. So naturally, Holly was suprised when she entered a dull and lifeless arena. Only two boys were thrusting weak blows at each other. Kyle and Brandon. Holly decided to stay in the dark until the battle was over. Thrust, blow, block, twist, thrust. Holly knew the moves by heart. Finally Brandon ruled Kyle with a short sword thrust. She came out of the darkness, clapping. They both looked up, startled.
"Holly!", Brandon greeted his eyes shimmering.
"Hey Brandon, Kyle", Holly said "It hasn't been this empty since...You know"
Of corse they knew. Since my father left was to hard to say.
"Holly.", Brandon placed a hand on her shoulder,"The news came in this morning. They've attacked."
Holly was terrified. The Mackarians had her country, never attacking. Her country ,Donalee, was helpless because of an agreement signed years ago. Now at last they could fight. Holly was both relieved and upset.
"Thanks for telling me. Um...well bye.",she said then turned and fleed to the forest with Fern at her feet.
She ran and ran only stopping a few times to stop and slash her sword at innocent trees. Panting Holly stopped at the beutiful Aurau river to sit down and sob.

Make sure the reader knows that. For example: Pretend that the difference in time between the first para. and the second is five years. So, in the middle of both paragraphs, you can write something like this:


--Five Years Later--

craftywriter wrote:I am so sick and tired of waiting around, stuck here being something I'm not. Nobody asks me what I want to do. I want to fight.

So this is in first person POV. Maybe put this part in italics. This makes your story look nicer, and helps your POV change make more sense.


The second problem in here, is that you need to explain things more.

craftywriter wrote:Holly said and the pair took off heading for a clearing in the forest.
Right before the clearing, however, Holly came halting to a stop. Leaning down she rolled over an ordinary rock-and pulled out a shimmering sword.

At this part, you might want to explain more about her surroundings, so your readers know what you're talking about and get more interested. What does the clearing in the forest look like? What does it smell like? Also, you might want to ramp up the tension a bit here. Make this whole part more exciting, since, well, pulling out a shiny sword from underneath a rock unexpectedly is pretty exciting, haha. How does Holly feel when she pulls out the sword? Does she try it out? Or does she drop it, in fear?

craftywriter wrote:Holly and her sword were the best.

Explain that this sword she has is the one she found underneath the rock (explain if I am not correct).

craftywriter wrote:Always ALWAYS there was something going on-and Holly would fight through it all.

Explain a tiny bit about what kind of things are going on.


Hope I helped, and good luck! I think you have a good start. If you have any questions, just leave 'em on my wall. Cya round-

KD

Hey, a follow Novice here,

Just like Kaedee, I think this piece has lots of potential and the only problem it has is the description. If you chuck in a load of similes, metaphors and adjectives it will make it an even more exciting read. What I do is write our what I have wrote (sort of like a rough or first draft) and get a red (or just a different colour) pen and scribble all over it, adding new sentences and taking things out that don't belong there. I find it really useful, but it's up to you.

"wha?" Holly looked up to see her Aunt Rose glaring at her.

I don't know if this is a typo or not but I think "wha" should have a capital W.

I never wanted this

Whenever Holly is saying something in her head you should put it Italics so people know the tense will be different.

Apart from that this is a great story. I hope you write some more!
X BlackRose X

Thanks for the opions guys! I understand what your saying and I'll try to fix it. I didn't describe the forest much because this is the only time in the story she see's it! I'd like an opion, however, would you like to read about when the Mackarians attack? Thanks again!