afternoon musings

I know this isn't a usual 'story', it's more of a collection of thoughts. I din't think it belonged in the Poetry section though. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!

Afternoon after school. I'm bored, bored and boring. There's a sheet of Maths homework but I can't be fucked. NCEA next year and I'm scared. I'm going to screw up and be on the dole my whole life. I doodle a few more hearts onto my French folder. Most are misshapen. I change out of my uniform and scatter it onto the floor with all my other junk. Dad says my room's a health hazard and I say, who cares? I straighten my hair and paint my nails. It's such an ugly shade of blue I clean it off straight away. The fumes from the nail polish remover enter every orifice and I feel sick. I turn on the radio. Come on get higher, loosen my lips How old is this song?! Faith and desire and the swing of your hips It's quite a happy song about sex but it's making me depressed. One day I will fall into first love with a stupid boy or a beautiful girl and have my heart shattered and left in a million bloody pieces on the floor. Then I'll pick myself up and join Greenpeace and pierce my nose, or marry a nice guy and settle down with three kids called Jack, Jane and John. I walk to the kitchen and open the cupboard. The apples are bruised and squished and the cupcakes are round and sweet and shiny. Self-control, girl, self-control. I find a non-bruised apple and take it back to my room. It's sweet and crunchy and I feel better after eating it. I throw the core out the window. That rose bush hides at least a decade of fruit remains and toast crusts. I reamke my bed because I hate the feel of rumpled sheets. Tonight I'll shave my legs and they'll feel smooth and satiny and shiny against the cotton. I brush my teeth. I walk outside and the grass is wet. I stand on my head. A jogger jogs past. Nice legs, I think, then I fall over and see my Maths teacher.

I wish I had an iPod.

Hey, wariofart here. You're right, this really is a very strange "story". I'm not even sure how I should review it, but let me try. Sorry if this is a bad review, not used to reviewing "random thoughts".

So, this story was pretty entertaining, which a story should be. Only problem is that it feels so... inconsequential. You're describing the life of a teenager, a pretty average teenager. She (he?) seems interesting enough. You could obviously flesh this person out more. They seem like a typical teenage slacker, with the snarky comments about life. But as I was reading it, I wondered "Why does this child act the way she (he?) does?" This story might be more fulfilling if you explained the character a bit more. Here's why :

The plot here is almost non-existent, and the setting is quite normal. So that means you've put all your story eggs in the "character" basket. And right now, I don't think this person deserves all the eggs. If this story was about, maybe, a teenager in Africa who's working as a nurse during a war, then it would be a lot more interesting to me. I already know how a teenager thinks (since I am one), I don't really need someone to tell me.

The other way you could make this better is by adding more humor to it. You have some parts that are funny, but I never laughed out loud. This character seems like the kind of person who would do really goofy things. You already have a little of that with the head standing and apple throwing. Now turn it up a notch. Because right now, while this piece is good, it just doesn't seem to have a purpose, as in "Why am I reading this?" It feels like I'm reading a fictional blog post about a boring day.

I hope this helps. If you're confused, feel free to PM me with anything. And as always, keep writing.

Wholeheartedly agree with Wario.

What is the point of this? I understand that every writer has the urge to write just thoughts, but these thoughts you have recorded here aren't so much thoughts as they are the most banal diary entry.

I went to the store. They were sold out of creamy peanut butter so I got crunchy. I picked up bread, too. I bought it with money and took it home. I ate it and burped. I forgot to drink soda.

Like so. It's simple, easy, and anyone can do it. You can murmur it into the phone half asleep. You can watch people through the window and describe literally what you see. But it's, for the most part, pointless.

Spice up your voice. Take an interesting slant. Make your character interesting, dynamic. Make your character actually want something. Do anything that you see in any published work, including (but not limited to) conflict, emotion, characterization, dialogue, relationships, twists, setting, interesting language, pacing, expositions, conclusions, logic, or paragraphs.

hey, d.f.b. here. i totally and completely understand where your coming from with the whole random thoughts thing. i have those all the time. and i can relate on how you feel about how life is now. i hate math too. this story was something i could relate to, and it was unique in its own right. i loved it. it made me feel at home.-d.f.b. out! keep writing.