The Prophecy (Chapter One)

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Thank you to everyone who reviewed my beginning piece. I completely rewrote it and added a hold load of description. I hope this is much better, please tell me if it is. Thank You BR X.

The Prophecy

Leila stood motionless on the edge of her bedroom balcony, her deep hazel eyes set solely upon the distant horizon. She watched as the sun rose over the tree tops, casting a watery light over the landscape and creating elongated shadows across the ground. The light January breeze, bringing with it the distinct aroma of pine, tugged at her loose, jet black curls. The long side fringe that usually concealed the left side of her face was pinned back revealing her soft, nutmeg complexion, which was highlighted in the early morning light.

Along with her younger sister Lucy, Leila had been at Layro Manor two nights, but it already felt like things were turning for the worse.

She gently curled her fingers around the metal railing, as if the simplest touch would break it, and shifted her gaze from the horizon to the secluded woods that existed modestly beyond the manor gardens. Every night since moving to the Manor the voices have called out to her from the woods. Begging for help.

Leila shock her head, closed her eyes and thought back to when she had first met Lord Layro.

Starlight Children's Care Home was having it's annual Open Day, a sunny day in the middle of the year where individuals, couples or even families, who were interested in fostering, were welcomed in and given more information about the certain procedures. Having no children of their own, the Lord and Lady Layro took an immediate interest and drove down in their silver Rolls Royce that morning.

Lord Rex Layro, a well built man in his mid-forties with chestnut hair - that was sporting the starts of a salt and pepper look - had discovered a not-so-bothered Leila hiding away in her bedroom.

"I see that not every inmate is allowed out on these Open Days," he teased in a rough voice.
"Yeah," Leila turned to put a face to the stranger's voice. "Juvenile prisons are getting worse thanks to the government," she giggled, surprising herself, "I don't exactly feel like hanging around another set of foster parents who will eventually decide that two kids is just too much hassle. Our last foster parents returned us like a broken carton of milk," she said bitterly and noticing the strangers expression as he looked around her room added, "We haven't had time to unpack."

The four matte pink walls contained two basic, wooden frame beds positioned next to each other opposite the door, two large elm wardrobes, one placed on each wall adjacent to the beds, a range of different sized cardboard boxes spread awkwardly across the rough beige carpet and a simple double glazed window situated in the wall between the two beds.

Lord Rex turned to face Leila.
"You said, us? Who exactly is us?"
"My sister Lucy and Me."

The two formally introduced themselves and sat on the two beds listening to each other talk about their life and their likes and dislikes until the Open Day was over and Lord Rex had to leave. AS they exchanged their goodbyes the Lord promised to visit her again. She watched from her bedroom window as he and his wife climbed into the silver Rolls Royce and drove away.

Leila strolled out of memory lane and focused back on the woods. She new something wasn't right. It wasn't just the voices that came from the woods it was the way Leila could hear them. It wasn't like hearing someone face to face. It was almost...telepathy.

O.K REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! Once I'm satisfied with the changes made to this chapter after the reviews (I won't post it though) I will start on Chapter Two!! :D




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READ THIS FIRST!! SORRY FOR MY TYPO'S!!

Firstly: It shouldn't of been "Leila shock her head" it should of been "Leila shook her head"

Secondly: There is an "AS" somewhere which should be "As"

Only two typos!! Yay!!




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Hello!

I really enjoyed reading this :D I felt as though I could imagine everything that was happening vividly because of your descriptions. I like the friendship that the Lord and her seem to have within seconds of meeting, it seems very natural and I hope that you build on that in future chapters.

His wife seems very non-existent in this chapter and I'm curious as to what she's like. An easy way to add her in there would be something like this:
She watched from her bedroom window as he met up with his wife outside. She was (description of wife) and she was kneeling, talking to a toddler. They soon left and climbed into their silver Rolls Royce and drove away.

...or something like that.

Also, where is her sister at this time? She is very non-existent too. Maybe try to mention what she's doing in there somewhere.

I'm a bit confused as to how they have the titles of Lord and Lady...unless they live in a different country? If so you might want to mention where she's from.

Overall, this was a good read, you should definitely post chapter two!
Keep writing.
-Once
It is better to travel well than to arrive.
-Buddha




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her deep, hazel eyes set solely upon the distant horizon.

Comma after deep.

Along with her younger sister, Lucy,

Comma after sister.

where individuals, couples, or even families,

Comma after couples. Families is still part of the list.

"My sister, Lucy, and Me."

Put commas around Lucy.

Overall: Decent start, but I feel that you are trying to be overly descriptive. Description is good, but too much can throw a reader off. Also, you are lacking when it comes to comma rules. It would be good for you to review those. Everything else in the story is fine otherwise. If you need any help or need another review feel free to PM me on YWS.

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Lethero the Werewoif
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*Lethero*




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While your descriptions are very vivid, it seems like you're trying too hard. I was put off the first paragraph because it was so much detail that didn't interest me. Try to avoid doing that in the very first sentence.

It's good to get a grasp of the setting and physical descriptions, but there are other ways you can show us their world besides just describing it. I think you should try and use more dialogue, because that tells quite a bit about the characters, too.

Develop the characters more. What motivates them? Why did Lord Layro go into the Home if there were plenty of children outside? How is Leila's relationship with her sister?

AS they exchanged their goodbyes the Lord promised to visit her again. She watched from her bedroom window as he and his wife climbed into the silver Rolls Royce and drove away.


I'm curious as to how they got from here, to the Layro manor. Maybe fill in that history a little.

And finally, one nitpick:

She knew something wasn't right.


Overall: I think you definitely need to tone down the description a little and build up your characters. But once you do that, I think this will make a great story. It's an interesting plot. I also liked some of your choices of language, like "she strolled out of memory lane". Good!

PM with any questions. Write on.




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Hey Blackrose! I really liked this beginning. It could definitely get interesting if you added a few more chapters. I did notice a few things, though:

The Prophecy


This title seems like a big cliche. It pretty much gives away your entire plot before I even start reading. I'm sure you could think of something much better. :)

Leila stood motionless on the edge of her bedroom balcony, her deep hazel eyes set solely upon the distant horizon. She watched as the sun rose over the tree tops, casting a watery light over the landscape and creating elongated shadows across the ground. The light January breeze, bringing with it the distinct aroma of pine, tugged at her loose, jet black curls. The long side fringe that usually concealed the left side of her face was pinned back revealing her soft, nutmeg complexion, which was highlighted in the early morning light.


All of the bolded words here are adjectives. Do you really need all of these in the first paragraph? Description is a very important part of writing, of course, but you don't want to overwhelm your reader. I would probably cut a few of these.

Leila shock her head, closed her eyes and thought back to when she had first met Lord Layro.


I really hate flashbacks in the first chapter of stories. Either start the story with Leila meeting Layro, or save the info dump for later. Readers want to jump right into the story, not slog through a bunch of background information.

She watched from her bedroom window as he and his wife climbed into the silver Rolls Royce and drove away.


Where was the wife all day while Leila and Lord Rex were talking?

It wasn't just the voices that came from the woods. It was the way Leila could hear them.


This should be two separate sentences.

Other than that... good job! It's not the strongest beginning, and I think it would be better if you started at a different point. Maybe at night, when she first hears the voices, or turn the flashback into chapter one. But that's just my opinion. Let me know if you post chapter 2. :)

- Magnus
“Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” Anton Chekhov




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This was cool! I like the plot, and it sounds like it will be super interesting!
"Leila shock her head"
I think you mean shook! Unless she's also able to control electricity, but being an electrically charged telepath would be kind of overkill.
Anyways keep writing!
Im going to read the next one now :)
Zib
"His poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random."



It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
— Voltaire