Mama, wake up!

borntobeawriter · 2010-08-25T14:20:51Z

Hey there everyone. Thanks for stopping by. This short story is for another short story competition. For those of you who have followed my writing, you know how much I struggle with a child's point of view. So, I obviously struggled with this one. Please let loose. Tanya :D Mama, wake up! “Mama, wake up.” Jasmine peered over the handle bars keeping her mama safely tucked in bed. She couldn’t see her Mama’s face good so she pulled the chair to the bed, climbed on it and grasped her Mama’s cold hand through the bars. “Mama, you need more blankets, you’re too cold.” When her Mama remained silent, Jasmine’s eyes followed the long string that went from her Mama to a machine that went beep, beep. Jasmine didn’t mind the machine. It reminded her of when she went shopping for food with her mama. The food had to pass through a scan that sounded like the machine. Scan meant food, food meant eating to stay alive, to stay healthy. That’s what her Mama said. Jasmine understood that as long as the machine went beep, beep , her mama had food and would remain alive. Jasmine looked down to her small hand holding her Mama’s soft one, then looked up to her face. “Why are you still sleeping, Mama? You need to wake up now. Come play with me.” Maybe she was sick. Jasmine remembered that when she was sick, Mama would come sleep in her bed with her, to keep her warm. Looking over her shoulder, her tongue stuck between her teeth, Jasmine saw no one peering into the room. She carefully lifted one leg over the bar, then the other until she was kneeling beside her Mama’s still body. Moving slowly, she curled her tiny body beside her mother’s, her eyes on the machine. Beep, beep. Jasmine tried to bring the sheet up to her Mama’s neck. Mama didn’t like to be cold. Jasmine would keep her warm. She settled in, her neck in the crook of her mother’s shoulder. “I think Daddy’s angry at me, Mama. He has his angry eyes all the time now when he looks at me.” She flicked her eyes up, trying to catch her mother’s eyes open. Maybe she was only playing hide and seek with her. Jasmine didn’t like this game very much. “He has his sad eyes when he looks at you, Mama. I don’t like to see those eyes. I know it’s my fault, Mama. I should have listened to you.” Her Mama had told her to stay in the yard, to stay away from the busy street. She said that cars could be dangerous to a six year old girl. And Jasmine had listened! But she’d been playing ball and her ball hadn’t listened. It rolled to the street. J asmine had run to catch it and she had yelled at her ball, angry that it hadn’t listened to her. She hadn’t heard the car approaching but she’d heard her Mama’s screams. When she saw her Mama running to her, Jasmine had frozen, knowing that she’d disobeyed, afraid her Mama would take her ball away from her. She’d hid it behind her, her small arms straining to hold it in place. When her Mama was close enough, she’d pushed Jasmine hard and Jasmine had fallen back, rolling away with her ball. “Mama!” she’d cried out, hurt that her Mama had shoved her away. Her Mama hadn’t answered her. “Mama?” She’d suddenly her loud noises and screams and realised her Mama was lying on the ground, in front of a red car. Hesitantly, afraid of being pushed again, Jasmine had stumbled to the front of the car. Her Daddy was holding her sleeping Mama in his arms. When he looked up, Jasmine saw her Daddy had his angry eyes. “It’s all your fault!” he had screamed at her. Jasmine bowed her head as shame filled her. “You see Mama, you have to wake up. Daddy doesn’t want me anymore and I need to know if you still do. What will I do if you don’t?” A tear spilled out of Jasmine’s eye and rolled down her cheek, tickling her nose. She was glad Daddy had gone for some food. He didn’t want her touching Mama. He said that she’d hurt her enough. He said she was a bad girl. “I’m not a bad girl!” she cried out suddenly, as if her shout could wake her Mama up. Her eyes flicked over to the machine. The image on the machine looked like little mountains and she was comforted by them. Her Mama loved mountains, said they brought her hope. “Mama, you have to wake up to tell me why the mountains bring you hope. You’ve never told me. Will you sleep forever?” Her heart hurt. She felt like someone was bear-hugging her heart so tightly that she couldn’t breathe. She was so cold. She wanted her Mama’s hug, her Mama’s kiss. She wanted to look at her with loving eyes again. “Mama, if you wake up, I’ll give my ball away. It really isn’t that important to me. Really, Mama, I’m not lying. And I promise I’ll always be good, always listen to you.” She shook her Mama’s shoulder lightly, casting a worried look to the spiky mountains. Beep, beep . “I’ll make sure my toys listen too. If they don’t, I’ll give those away. The ball is sorry it disobeyed.” She didn’t have much time alone with her Mama, she knew Daddy would be back soon. “Mama, please. Please wake up.” She raised herself on one elbow and watched as her long brown hair mixed with her Mama’s. They had the same colour and Jasmine was proud of it, proud to look like her Mama. But her mother’s hair didn’t look as shiny anymore. It looked dirty. “Daddy doesn’t know how to braid my hair like you do, Mama. He makes me wear silly outfits. You have to show him how to do my hair.” She ran her fingers through her Mama’s hair. She didn’t want to get off the bed. Her Mama was cold and no one was there to warm her. No one was trying to wake her up. Jasmine lightly touched the white bandage around her Mama’s head, wincing slightly. Mama would have a headache when she woke up. “What are you doing there!” Jasmine’s Daddy suddenly shouted and she screamed, terrified that she’d gotten caught. He rushed to the bed, grabbed her left arm roughly and hauled her out of bed. “Daddy, ow! You’re hurting me Daddy!” Jasmine cried out, trying to grab her hurting shoulder. “I told you to stay away from your mother!” he shouted, his face in front of hers, spit flying from his mouth. He shook Jasmine roughly and she cried, not hearing what he said, just hoping her screams would wake her mother. “Mama, Mama, WAKE UP! Daddy’s hurting me, wake up!” The room was suddenly silent as Daddy breathed in noisily and Jasmine listened, hoping to hear Mama’s voice calling to her. Instead, what she heard was a long beep, like if the food scanner was stuck. Her Daddy suddenly let go of her and Jasmine rushed to the mountain machine, cradling her sore shoulder with her good arm. She looked up and screamed. The mountains were dead. Beeeeeeep

Bivrax

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Points 1420

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Wed Apr 13, 2011 11:19 pm

Bivrax says... · Wed Apr 13, 2011 11:19 pm

No problem! I really liked it, actually. Probably one of the best stories I've read on here since I joined a few days ago.
I can't wait to read more from you!

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Amfliflier

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Thu Apr 28, 2011 12:14 am

Amfliflier says... · Thu Apr 28, 2011 12:14 am

Oh my goshness this was so sad! D: But the description and emotion were fantastic! I loved the point of view from the little girl. Most of the stories I read are either teenage or adult perspectives. So kudos for that. But this piece was great, it really was. Awesome job!

Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES!

Everyday is Earth Day!

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Baconator

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Mon Aug 01, 2011 7:53 pm

Baconator says... · Mon Aug 01, 2011 7:53 pm

Great story! It was deep, sad, and vivid. An innocent little girl facing a serious real world situation was powerful. The anger of the dad felt towards her seems like something that could very well happen with many people in his situation and also not. It makes you feel more remorse toward the girl than any of the other characters, including the mom. But you also have to take into account how the father feels and why he does.

The way that the story is told from a very young child's perspective adds depth and originality to it. Jasmine doesn't fully understand what exactly is going on and interprets it in her own way. For instance, she describes the lines on the machines as "spikey mountains" that give her hope and how she personifies her ball and toys. One thing I noticed is that the "J" in "Jasmine" got stuck on the end of the seventh paragraph and was removed from the beggining of the eigth. Probably just a mistake you made while editing. Overall, great job!

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GrayLady

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Points 1147

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Tue Aug 02, 2011 12:42 am

GrayLady says... · Tue Aug 02, 2011 12:42 am

This is so sad, but it's so good! It's so sweet. In your writing, when you're talking about Jasmine's mother, you probably should have decided whether you wanted to say "her mama" or "Mama." I get that you wanted it to sound like it was the little girl thinking it, but since you set it in third person I think you probably should have focused on making the dialogue seem younger (which you did, and it was great!) Also, the bit about the ball, and how she was mad at it, and talking to it...I don't really think a young girl would do that. I could definitely see her talking to her dolls, but something like a ball doesn't make as much sense. I still love this piece though! NEVER. STOP. WRITING!

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