Mama, wake up!

Spoiler

Hey there everyone. Thanks for stopping by. This short story is for another short story competition.
For those of you who have followed my writing, you know how much I struggle with a child's point of view. So, I obviously struggled with this one. Please let loose.

Tanya

Mama, wake up!

“Mama, wake up.” Jasmine peered over the handle bars keeping her mama safely tucked in bed. She couldn’t see her Mama’s face good so she pulled the chair to the bed, climbed on it and grasped her Mama’s cold hand through the bars. “Mama, you need more blankets, you’re too cold.”

When her Mama remained silent, Jasmine’s eyes followed the long string that went from her Mama to a machine that went beep, beep. Jasmine didn’t mind the machine. It reminded her of when she went shopping for food with her mama. The food had to pass through a scan that sounded like the machine. Scan meant food, food meant eating to stay alive, to stay healthy. That’s what her Mama said. Jasmine understood that as long as the machine went beep, beep, her mama had food and would remain alive.

Jasmine looked down to her small hand holding her Mama’s soft one, then looked up to her face. “Why are you still sleeping, Mama? You need to wake up now. Come play with me.”

Maybe she was sick. Jasmine remembered that when she was sick, Mama would come sleep in her bed with her, to keep her warm. Looking over her shoulder, her tongue stuck between her teeth, Jasmine saw no one peering into the room. She carefully lifted one leg over the bar, then the other until she was kneeling beside her Mama’s still body. Moving slowly, she curled her tiny body beside her mother’s, her eyes on the machine.

Beep, beep.

Jasmine tried to bring the sheet up to her Mama’s neck. Mama didn’t like to be cold. Jasmine would keep her warm. She settled in, her neck in the crook of her mother’s shoulder. “I think Daddy’s angry at me, Mama. He has his angry eyes all the time now when he looks at me.” She flicked her eyes up, trying to catch her mother’s eyes open. Maybe she was only playing hide and seek with her. Jasmine didn’t like this game very much. “He has his sad eyes when he looks at you, Mama. I don’t like to see those eyes. I know it’s my fault, Mama. I should have listened to you.”

Her Mama had told her to stay in the yard, to stay away from the busy street. She said that cars could be dangerous to a six year old girl. And Jasmine had listened! But she’d been playing ball and her ball hadn’t listened. It rolled to the street. J
asmine had run to catch it and she had yelled at her ball, angry that it hadn’t listened to her.
She hadn’t heard the car approaching but she’d heard her Mama’s screams. When she saw her Mama running to her, Jasmine had frozen, knowing that she’d disobeyed, afraid her Mama would take her ball away from her. She’d hid it behind her, her small arms straining to hold it in place.

When her Mama was close enough, she’d pushed Jasmine hard and Jasmine had fallen back, rolling away with her ball. “Mama!” she’d cried out, hurt that her Mama had shoved her away. Her Mama hadn’t answered her. “Mama?”

She’d suddenly her loud noises and screams and realised her Mama was lying on the ground, in front of a red car. Hesitantly, afraid of being pushed again, Jasmine had stumbled to the front of the car. Her Daddy was holding her sleeping Mama in his arms. When he looked up, Jasmine saw her Daddy had his angry eyes.
“It’s all your fault!” he had screamed at her.

Jasmine bowed her head as shame filled her. “You see Mama, you have to wake up. Daddy doesn’t want me anymore and I need to know if you still do. What will I do if you don’t?”

A tear spilled out of Jasmine’s eye and rolled down her cheek, tickling her nose. She was glad Daddy had gone for some food. He didn’t want her touching Mama. He said that she’d hurt her enough. He said she was a bad girl.

“I’m not a bad girl!” she cried out suddenly, as if her shout could wake her Mama up. Her eyes flicked over to the machine. The image on the machine looked like little mountains and she was comforted by them. Her Mama loved mountains, said they brought her hope. “Mama, you have to wake up to tell me why the mountains bring you hope. You’ve never told me. Will you sleep forever?”

Her heart hurt. She felt like someone was bear-hugging her heart so tightly that she couldn’t breathe. She was so cold. She wanted her Mama’s hug, her Mama’s kiss. She wanted to look at her with loving eyes again.

“Mama, if you wake up, I’ll give my ball away. It really isn’t that important to me. Really, Mama, I’m not lying. And I promise I’ll always be good, always listen to you.”
She shook her Mama’s shoulder lightly, casting a worried look to the spiky mountains.

Beep, beep.

“I’ll make sure my toys listen too. If they don’t, I’ll give those away. The ball is sorry it disobeyed.”
She didn’t have much time alone with her Mama, she knew Daddy would be back soon. “Mama, please. Please wake up.”

She raised herself on one elbow and watched as her long brown hair mixed with her Mama’s. They had the same colour and Jasmine was proud of it, proud to look like her Mama. But her mother’s hair didn’t look as shiny anymore. It looked dirty.

“Daddy doesn’t know how to braid my hair like you do, Mama. He makes me wear silly outfits. You have to show him how to do my hair.” She ran her fingers through her Mama’s hair. She didn’t want to get off the bed. Her Mama was cold and no one was there to warm her. No one was trying to wake her up. Jasmine lightly touched the white bandage around her Mama’s head, wincing slightly. Mama would have a headache when she woke up.

“What are you doing there!” Jasmine’s Daddy suddenly shouted and she screamed, terrified that she’d gotten caught. He rushed to the bed, grabbed her left arm roughly and hauled her out of bed.
“Daddy, ow! You’re hurting me Daddy!” Jasmine cried out, trying to grab her hurting shoulder.
“I told you to stay away from your mother!” he shouted, his face in front of hers, spit flying from his mouth. He shook Jasmine roughly and she cried, not hearing what he said, just hoping her screams would wake her mother.
“Mama, Mama, WAKE UP! Daddy’s hurting me, wake up!”

The room was suddenly silent as Daddy breathed in noisily and Jasmine listened, hoping to hear Mama’s voice calling to her. Instead, what she heard was a long beep, like if the food scanner was stuck.

Her Daddy suddenly let go of her and Jasmine rushed to the mountain machine, cradling her sore shoulder with her good arm. She looked up and screamed.

The mountains were dead.

Beeeeeeep

You wrote something else?
Awesomeeee!
Anyways, as your loyal sidekick (not exactly) I'm here as reviewer!
So, shall we begin?

Whoa, after I wrote that, I accidentally clicked something and went to some other website, and I thought I would loose my review again but I clicked back and it remember what I had typed so I was like "Jyeah!"
Anyways, back to the review...

Alright, so I know you're trying to write in a child's perspective but even so I think you should use more formal language. Although, the usage of the word 'mama' is fine.

Jasmine peered over the handle bars keeping her mama safely tucked in bed. She couldn’t see her Mama’s face good so she pulled the chair to the bed

See here how you used the word 'good', I know a child would say that but in writing I since it's not her thoughts or anything you should use a more formal tone.
'Couldn't see her face quite well so she pulled the chair to the bed.'

That’s what her Mama said. Jasmine understood that as long as the machine went beep, beep, her mama had food and would remain alive.

I love this line, mainly because of the way she understands what the machine's beeping sound means and how she implies that with what her mother said before. Neat.

*tear*
This is a sad story. I mean, it's so heartbreaking!
One thing I was confused with was her father. I mean why is he so mean to her? I mean, yes he blames her for the mother's accident but to be that angry, I wonder if he hated the child before? If so, it'd be nice if you explained it before.
Okay, I know I said to keep the writing formal but after I read this I take that back.
I mean, the child-like writing actually gives off another edge to the story that formal writing might not achieve. It works, mostly because the things that are described are in the eyes of the child and the descriptions and the way you described the machine and all was great too. Although, at the end you said the mountains died. Now technically, mountains can't die. But I know where you're getting at but it kind of bothers me, sorry >.<
Anyways, wonderful story! I loved it!

~Pink

Hi! My names funkyreg, and I'll be your reviewer. I work summers and fridays at a preschool, so I have a pretty good idea what goes through a childs mind! First I want to say that you did a great job, but I just have some nitpics.
Red is corrections,
Green if for what I like.

borntobeawriter wrote:Hey there everyone. Thanks for stopping by. This short story is for another short story competition.
For those of you who have followed my writing, you know how much I struggle with a child's point of view. So, I obviously struggled with this one. Please let loose.

Tanya

Mama, wake up!
Is this the title? If so it should be Mama, Wake Up!

“Mama, wake up.” Jasmine peered over the handle bars keeping her mama safely tucked in bed. She couldn’t see her Mama’s face good so she pulled the chair to the bed, climbed on it and grasped her Mama’s cold hand through the bars. “Mama, you need more blankets, you’re too cold.”
That should be a comma. I'll explain later.

When her Mama remained silent, Jasmine’s eyes followed the long string that went from her Mama to a machine that went beep, beep. Jasmine didn’t mind the machine. It reminded her of when she went shopping for food with her mama. The food had to pass through a scan that sounded like the machine. Scan meant food, food meant eating to stay alive, to stay healthy. That’s what her Mama said. Jasmine understood that as long as the machine went beep, beep, her mama had food and would remain alive.
That REALLY sounds like a child was thinking. I like it.

Jasmine looked down to her small hand holding her Mama’s soft one, then looked up to her face. “Why are you still sleeping, Mama? You need to wake up now. Come play with me.”

Maybe she was sick. Jasmine remembered that when she was sick, Mama would come sleep in her bed with her, to keep her warm. Looking over her shoulder, her tongue stuck between her teeth, Jasmine saw no one peering into the room. She carefully lifted one leg over the bar, then the other until she was kneeling beside her Mama’s still body. Moving slowly, she curled her tiny body beside her mother’s, her eyes on the machine.

Beep, beep.

Jasmine tried to bring the sheet up to her Mama’s neck. Mama didn’t like to be cold. Jasmine would keep her warm. She settled in, her neck in the crook of her mother’s shoulder. “I think Daddy’s angry at me, Mama. He has his angry eyes all the time now when he looks at me.” She flicked her eyes up, trying to catch her mother’s eyes open. Maybe she was only playing hide and seek with her. Jasmine didn’t like this game very much. “He has his sad eyes when he looks at you, Mama. I don’t like to see those eyes. I know it’s my fault, Mama. I should have listened to you.”
Comma and lower case S

Her Mama had told her to stay in the yard, to stay away from the busy street. She said that cars could be dangerous to a six year old girl. And Jasmine had listened! But she’d been playing ball and her ball hadn’t listened. It rolled to the street. J
asmine had run to catch it and she had yelled at her ball, angry that it hadn’t listened to her.
She hadn’t heard the car approaching but she’d heard her Mama’s screams. When she saw her Mama running to her, Jasmine had frozen, knowing that she’d disobeyed, afraid her Mama would take her ball away from her. She’d hid it behind her, her small arms straining to hold it in place.

When her Mama was close enough, she’d pushed Jasmine hard and Jasmine had fallen back, rolling away with her ball. “Mama!” she’d cried out, hurt that her Mama had shoved her away. Her Mama hadn’t answered her. “Mama?”

She’d suddenly her loud noises and screams and realised her Mama was lying on the ground, in front of a red car. Hesitantly, afraid of being pushed again, Jasmine had stumbled to the front of the car. Her Daddy was holding her sleeping Mama in his arms. When he looked up, Jasmine saw her Daddy had his angry eyes.
“It’s all your fault!” he had screamed at her.
uppercase H

Jasmine bowed her head as shame filled her. “You see Mama, you have to wake up. Daddy doesn’t want me anymore and I need to know if you still do. What will I do if you don’t?”

A tear spilled out of Jasmine’s eye and rolled down her cheek, tickling her nose. She was glad Daddy had gone for some food. He didn’t want her touching Mama. He said that she’d hurt her enough. He said she was a bad girl.

“I’m not a bad girl!” she cried out suddenly, as if her shout could wake her Mama up. Her eyes flicked over to the machine. The image on the machine looked like little mountains and she was comforted by them. Her Mama loved mountains, said they brought her hope. “Mama, you have to wake up to tell me why the mountains bring you hope. You’ve never told me. Will you sleep forever?”

Her heart hurt. She felt like someone was bear-hugging her heart so tightly that she couldn’t breathe. She was so cold. She wanted her Mama’s hug, her Mama’s kiss. She wanted to look at her with loving eyes again.

“Mama, if you wake up, I’ll give my ball away. It really isn’t that important to me. Really, Mama, I’m not lying. And I promise I’ll always be good, always listen to you.”
She shook her Mama’s shoulder lightly, casting a worried look to the spiky mountains.

Beep, beep.

“I’ll make sure my toys listen too. If they don’t, I’ll give those away. The ball is sorry it disobeyed. "She didn’t have much time alone with her Mama, she knew Daddy would be back soon. “Mama, please. Please wake up.”
comma, lowercase S

She raised herself on one elbow and watched as her long brown hair mixed with her Mama’s. They had the same colour and Jasmine was proud of it, proud to look like her Mama. But her mother’s hair didn’t look as shiny anymore. It looked dirty.

“Daddy doesn’t know how to braid my hair like you do, Mama. He makes me wear silly outfits. You have to show him how to do my hair.” She ran her fingers through her Mama’s hair. She didn’t want to get off the bed. Her Mama was cold and no one was there to warm her. No one was trying to wake her up. Jasmine lightly touched the white bandage around her Mama’s head, wincing slightly. Mama would have a headache when she woke up.
Comma lowercase S

“What are you doing there!” Jasmine’s Daddy suddenly shouted and she screamed, terrified that she’d gotten caught. He rushed to the bed, grabbed her left arm roughly and hauled her out of bed.
“Daddy, ow! You’re hurting me Daddy!” Jasmine cried out, trying to grab her hurting shoulder.
“I told you to stay away from your mother!” he shouted, his face in front of hers, spit flying from his mouth. He shook Jasmine roughly and she cried, not hearing what he said, just hoping her screams would wake her mother.
“Mama, Mama, WAKE UP! Daddy’s hurting me, wake up!”

The room was suddenly silent as Daddy breathed in noisily and Jasmine listened, hoping to hear Mama’s voice calling to her. Instead, what she heard was a long beep, like if the food scanner was stuck.

Her Daddy suddenly let go of her and Jasmine rushed to the mountain machine, cradling her sore shoulder with her good arm. She looked up and screamed.

The mountains were dead.

Beeeeeeep

Again, its a good story. Let me explain something: If a person is talking, it should never end in a period. !? etc. etc. are fine, but never a period. It should always be a comma then a lowercase letter (Unless propor nown.) EX:
"Hi!" Sally said.
"Hi," said Sue.
"How have you been," asked Sally, "with the cat going missing and all?"

See? Because even though there's a " it's still all one sentince so it should be lowercase.
Best of luck!
R3G@N

I'm not good at reviewing so i'll just leave that to everyone else. Just thought i'd say i really really liked this story!!!
Born pushes 'like' !

borntobeawriter wrote:Mama, wake up!

“Mama, wake up.” Jasmine peered over the handle bars keeping her mama safely tucked in bed. She couldn’t see her Mama’s face good so she pulled the chair to the bed, climbed on it and grasped her Mama’s cold hand through the bars. “Mama, you need more blankets, you’re too cold.”

When her Mama remained silent, Jasmine’s eyes followed the long string that went from her Mama to a machine that went beep, beep. Jasmine didn’t mind the machine. It reminded her of when she went shopping for food with her mama. The food had to pass through a scan that sounded like the machine. Scan meant food, food meant eating to stay alive, to stay healthy. That’s what her Mama said. Jasmine understood that as long as the machine went beep, beep, her mama had food and would remain alive.

Jasmine looked down to her small hand holding her Mama’s soft one, then looked up to her face. “Why are you still sleeping, Mama? You need to wake up now. Come play with me.”

Maybe she was sick. Jasmine remembered that when she was sick, Mama would come sleep in her bed with her, to keep her warm. Looking over her shoulder, her tongue stuck between her teeth, Jasmine saw no one peering into the room. She carefully lifted one leg over the bar, then the other until she was kneeling beside her Mama’s still body. Moving slowly, she curled her tiny body beside her mother’s, her eyes on the machine.

Beep, beep.

Jasmine tried to bring the sheet up to her Mama’s neck. Mama didn’t like to be cold. Jasmine would keep her warm. She settled in, her neck in the crook of her mother’s shoulder. “I think Daddy’s angry at me, Mama. He has his angry eyes all the time now when he looks at me.” She flicked her eyes up, trying to catch her mother’s eyes open. Maybe she was only playing hide and seek with her. Jasmine didn’t like this game very much. “He has his sad eyes when he looks at you, Mama. I don’t like to see those eyes. I know it’s my fault, Mama. I should have listened to you.”

Her Mama had told her to stay in the yard, to stay away from the busy street. She said that cars could be dangerous to a six year old girl. And Jasmine had listened! But she’d been playing ball and her ball hadn’t listened. It rolled to the street. J
asmine had run to catch it and she had yelled at her ball, angry that it hadn’t listened to her.
She hadn’t heard the car approaching but she’d heard her Mama’s screams. When she saw her Mama running to her, Jasmine had frozen, knowing that she’d disobeyed, afraid her Mama would take her ball away from her. She’d hid it behind her, her small arms straining to hold it in place.

When her Mama was close enough, she’d pushed Jasmine hard and Jasmine had fallen back, rolling away with her ball. “Mama!” she’d cried out, hurt that her Mama had shoved her away. Her Mama hadn’t answered her. “Mama?”

She’d suddenly her loud noises and screams and realised her Mama was lying on the ground, in front of a red car. Hesitantly, afraid of being pushed again, Jasmine had stumbled to the front of the car. Her Daddy was holding her sleeping Mama in his arms. When he looked up, Jasmine saw her Daddy had his angry eyes.
“It’s all your fault!” he had screamed at her.

Jasmine bowed her head as shame filled her. “You see Mama, you have to wake up. Daddy doesn’t want me anymore and I need to know if you still do. What will I do if you don’t?”

A tear spilled out of Jasmine’s eye and rolled down her cheek, tickling her nose. She was glad Daddy had gone for some food. He didn’t want her touching Mama. He said that she’d hurt her enough. He said she was a bad girl.

“I’m not a bad girl!” she cried out suddenly, as if her shout could wake her Mama up. Her eyes flicked over to the machine. The image on the machine looked like little mountains and she was comforted by them. Her Mama loved mountains, said they brought her hope. “Mama, you have to wake up to tell me why the mountains bring you hope. You’ve never told me. Will you sleep forever?”

Her heart hurt. She felt like someone was bear-hugging her heart so tightly that she couldn’t breathe. She was so cold. She wanted her Mama’s hug, her Mama’s kiss. She wanted to look at her with loving eyes again.

“Mama, if you wake up, I’ll give my ball away. It really isn’t that important to me. Really, Mama, I’m not lying. And I promise I’ll always be good, always listen to you.”
She shook her Mama’s shoulder lightly, casting a worried look to the spiky mountains.

Beep, beep.

“I’ll make sure my toys listen too. If they don’t, I’ll give those away. The ball is sorry it disobeyed.”
She didn’t have much time alone with her Mama, she knew Daddy would be back soon. “Mama, please. Please wake up.”

She raised herself on one elbow and watched as her long brown hair mixed with her Mama’s. They had the same colour and Jasmine was proud of it, proud to look like her Mama. But her mother’s hair didn’t look as shiny anymore. It looked dirty.

“Daddy doesn’t know how to braid my hair like you do, Mama. He makes me wear silly outfits. You have to show him how to do my hair.” She ran her fingers through her Mama’s hair. She didn’t want to get off the bed. Her Mama was cold and no one was there to warm her. No one was trying to wake her up. Jasmine lightly touched the white bandage around her Mama’s head, wincing slightly. Mama would have a headache when she woke up.

“What are you doing there!” Jasmine’s Daddy suddenly shouted and she screamed, terrified that she’d gotten caught. He rushed to the bed, grabbed her left arm roughly and hauled her out of bed.
“Daddy, ow! You’re hurting me Daddy!” Jasmine cried out, trying to grab her hurting shoulder.
“I told you to stay away from your mother!” he shouted, his face in front of hers, spit flying from his mouth. He shook Jasmine roughly and she cried, not hearing what he said, just hoping her screams would wake her mother.
“Mama, Mama, WAKE UP! Daddy’s hurting me, wake up!”

The room was suddenly silent as Daddy breathed in noisily and Jasmine listened, hoping to hear Mama’s voice calling to her. Instead, what she heard was a long beep, like if the food scanner was stuck.

Her Daddy suddenly let go of her and Jasmine rushed to the mountain machine, cradling her sore shoulder with her good arm. She looked up and screamed.

The mountains were dead.

Beeeeeeep

you know-I was hoping for a happy ending.
Anywhere purple up there is what I loved. You said you weren't used to writing in a child's perspective, but you did that very, very, very well.
As you can see, there is a lot of purple. (I honestly wanted to color all of it purple, but that wouldn't be helpful)
You have strong emotion and description, which I loved.
Congrats and good luck
~Kit

hey, d.f.b. here. loved this!! i think your view as a child was good. it was really sad when her mama died though. but the work here was good. very good. I'm just wondering if her dad was always abusive, or just because of what happened. i didn't like her dad, he sounded like a huge jerk hole. her mama sounded really calm, peaceful, and nice though.-d.f.b. out! keep writing. really, continue on.

Here I go...

PinkShearwater wrote:She’d suddenly heard loud noises and screams and realised her Mama was lying on the ground, in front of a red car.

...
...
...
WTF dude?! What's with this sad story?! It's you know...sad!! Poor jasmine! You portrayed her really well, it was an easy flow since it's through the eyes of a child.

I really loved the story as per the writing side of it. As for your average person reading this, the ending sucks!!! Why did she have to die ?!
...
I know; I have issues
Again though, good story!

Hey everyone! Wow, I'm so glad you all liked this so much!

Pink - I groaned at first when you said I should make it a bit more formal. I thought, "well, I'm never going to get this right." Then I read the rest and had to smile. The father never wanted a child and now that the mom's in danger of dying, he sees himself caught with her. Which is why I couldn't let the mom live. Not after the father had shown his true colors, because how can they go back to normal after that? Thanks for the review

Funky- Thanks for the great reviewing and for reassuring me with the tone. I was terrified that this wouldn't sound right. Thank you

Born - Haha, thank you. I love getting words of encouragement. Thank you for 'liking'.

Kit - I think I'm now in love with the colour purple. I wasn't sure when I started whether it would end well or not but the father's voice was too strong, demanding to be heard and I couldn't have it any other way. Thanks to you

Dfb - I'm glad you don't like the father. If you did, there'd be something seriously wrong with you Thanks for your kind words.

Suz- Thanks. I know, it's sad. I was getting teary-eyed just writing it and I couldn't wait to see the comments. Glad it pulled the emotions. Sooooo glad. I've done something really good from a child's perspective. I'm proud of myself *pats myself on the back*

Again, thank you to everyone

Tanya

Tanya! This was so sad!

Well I mean it's good, because it made me sad. Making a reader feel a story is one of the best things a writer can do. Great job!

There were a few places where Jasmine thought a little beyond her years. A child is hard to write, mostly because of the differences in language, but overall you did a very good job! I loved the bit where she was talking about her toys as "bad toys" and saying she would give them away if they didn't listen. Very childlike.

I would just reread through it a bit, mostly at the beginning, and make sure the language fits a child. I actually couldn't find what I was thinking of when I went and looked...but I remember thinking it when I read it. Maybe. Haha.

I loved the ending. Not in like a cold-hearted, I wanted her to die sort of thing. It was just such a good ending for this story. I do hope there's someone out there to take care of Jasmine besides her father, though. He's a real jerk face.

Keep up the great work, Tanya!

-Lauren-

Here I am for a review! Sorry it took so long.

Okay, so personally I was close to crying with this story. You captured the innocence and naïvety of the little girl beautifully, and explained so much through her simple thoughts, which I love. You definitely have the "voice" down and kept it consistent throughout the entire piece.

borntobeawriter wrote:Jasmine peered over the handle bars keeping her mama safely tucked in bed.

As soon as I saw "handle bars" I instantly thought "bicycle," so when you said that the mom was in bed, it threw me off. Perhaps you could omit the "handle" and just use bars? Or metal bars, side bars, something like that?

She couldn’t see her Mama’s face good so she pulled the chair to the bed, climbed on it and grasped her Mama’s cold hand through the bars.

Okay, so that "good" bothers me. Yes, you're writing from the child's viewpoint and yes, that's what a child her age most likely would say, but still...I think you could substitute it with "couldn't see very well" or something to that effect.

When her Mama remained silent, Jasmine’s eyes followed the long string that went from her Mama to a machine that went beep, beep. Jasmine didn’t mind the machine. It reminded her of when she went shopping for food with her mama. The food had to pass through a scan that sounded like the machine. Scan meant food, food meant eating to stay alive, to stay healthy. That’s what her Mama said. Jasmine understood that as long as the machine went beep, beep, her mama had food and would remain alive.

My gosh, this paragraph is beautiful. I love the analogy she uses, I could picture it all perfectly and completely understand what Jasmine was equating the machine to. Great job!

And Jasmine had listened! But she’d been playing ball and her ball hadn’t listened.

Again, this is a wonderful and original viewpoint; I love it.

She was glad Daddy had gone for some food. He didn’t want her touching Mama. He said that she’d hurt her enough. He said she was a bad girl.

So if he's so mad at Jasmine, why'd he leave her alone with the mom? I'm getting the impression that she's there in the room unsupervised, which is the only hole I found in this story. Wouldn't the dad take her along or something?

She looked up and screamed.

I think you need a bit more explanation here, something to show that she was actually looking up at the screen, not in a vague upwards direction, you know what I mean?

The mountains were dead.

Powerful ending, I love this (and hate it, because of what it signifies ).

Beeeeeeep

I really don't think this is necessary. Your last line before the beep was powerful enough in and of itself, it doesn't need the sound to drive the point home, and it takes away from the punch of the other line.

Wow, so overall, great job, I love the voice you used and your story was heartbreaking and yet lovely at the same time. Wonderful work!

This is so sad, I want to know whats going to happen to the little girl - her father is so angry at her. This story reminds my of an other story I read a long time ago about a little girl who's mother got sick. I was really inspired by it and I think your story is just as inspiring. You really get a feeling for the girls emotions and her confusion with the events unfolding around her. I also liked how you used imagery to convey the fact that her mother died, not narrative, it really added another layer to the piece that wouldn't have been there otherwise. Two thumbs up!

Awww Kitty, thank you!

It was a piece I wrote rather fast. One of those inspiring moments when everything seems to go right, you know?

Tanya

Tanya:)
Here for a review hehe.

borntobeawriter wrote:
Mama, wake up!

“Mama, wake up.” Jasmine peered over the handle bars keeping her mama safely tucked in bed. She couldn’t see her Mama’s face good so she pulled the chair to the bed"up to the bed", or "towards the bed" I feel would sound better, climbed on it and grasped her Mama’s cold hand through the bars. “Mama, you need more blankets, you’re too cold.”

When her Mama remained silent, Jasmine’s eyes followed the long string, that went from her Mama to a machine, that went beep, beep.I felt this sentence was a bit long... I would've wrote, "Her Mama remained deadly silent! Jasmines eyes could not help but follow the long string, which went from her Mama to a machine. As far as Jasmine could tell all the machine did was beep, but Jasmine didn't mind the machine, because..." But thats just me Jasmine didn’t mind the machine. It reminded her of when she went shopping for food with her mama. The food had to pass through a scan that sounded like the machine. Scan meant food, food meant eating to stay alive, to stay healthy. That’s what her Mama said. Jasmine understood that as long as the machine went beep, beep, her mama had food and would remain alive.

Jasmine looked down to her small hand holding her Mama’s soft one, then looked up to her face. “Why are you still sleeping, Mama? You need to wake up now. Come play with me.”maybe you could describe the way she said this, like with, "... Come play with me,' said Jasmine with desperation in her voice"

Maybe she was sick. Jasmine remembered that when she was sick,change the comma to a ; or you could say ", how Mama..." Mama would come sleep in her bed with her, to keep her warm. Looking over her shoulder, her tongue stuck between her teeth, Jasmine saw no one peering into the room. She carefully lifted one leg over the bar, then the other until she was kneeling beside her Mama’s still body. Moving slowly, she curled her tiny body beside her mother’s, her eyes on the machine.

Beep, beep.

Jasmine tried to bring the sheet up to her Mama’s neck. Mama didn’t like to be cold. Jasmine would keep her warm. She settled in, her neck in the crook of her mother’s shoulder. “I think Daddy’s angry at me, Mama. He has his angry eyes all the time now when he looks at me.” She flicked her eyes up, trying to catch her mother’s eyes open. Maybe she was only playing hide and seek with her. Jasmine didn’t like this game very much. “He has his sad eyes when he looks at you, Mama. I don’t like to see those eyes. I know it’s my fault, Mama. I should have listened to you.”

Her Mama had told her to stay in the yard, to stay away from the busy street. She said that cars could be dangerous to a six year old girl. And Jasmine had listened! But she’d been playing ball, and her ball hadn’t listened. It rolled totoward, or on to the street.

Jasmine nitpicking at the typos lol ca't find much wrong that why!!! had run to catch it and she had yelled at her ball, angry that it hadn’t listened to her.

She hadn’t heard the car approaching but she’d heard her Mama’s screams. When she saw her Mama running to her, Jasmine had frozen, knowing that she’d disobeyed, afraid her Mama would take her ball away from her. She’d hid it behind her, her small arms straining to hold it in place.

When her Mama was close enough, she’d pushed Jasmine hard and Jasmine had fallen back, rolling away with her ball. “Mama!” she’d cried out, hurt that her Mama had shoved her away. Her Mama hadn’t answered her. “Mama?”

She’d suddenly her loud noises and screams and realised her Mama was lying on the ground, in front of a red car. Hesitantly, afraid of being pushed again, Jasmine had stumbled to the front of the car. Her Daddy was holding her sleeping Mama in his arms. When he looked up, Jasmine saw her Daddy had his angry eyes.
“It’s all your fault!” he had screamed at her.

Jasmine bowed her head as shame filled her. “You see Mama, you have to wake up. Daddy doesn’t want me anymore and I need to know if you still do. What will I do if you don’t?”

A tear spilled out of Jasmine’s eye and rolled down her cheek, tickling her nose. She was glad Daddy had gone for some food. He didn’t want her touching Mama. He said that she’d hurt her enough. He said she was a bad girl.

“I’m not a bad girl!” she cried out suddenly, as if her shout could wake her Mama up. Her eyes flicked over to the machine. The image on the machine looked like little mountains and she was comforted by them. Her Mama loved mountains,she said they brought her hope. “Mama, you have to wake up to tell me why the mountains bring you hope. You’ve never told me. Will you sleep forever?”

Her heart hurt. She felt like someone was bear-hugging her heart so tightly that she couldn’t breathe. She was so cold. She wanted her Mama’s hug, her Mama’s kiss. She wanted to look at her with loving eyes again.

“Mama, if you wake up, I’ll give my ball away. It really isn’t that important to me. Really, Mama, I’m not lying. And I promise I’ll always be good, always listen to you.”
She shook her Mama’s shoulder lightly, casting a worried look to the spiky mountains.

Beep, beep.

“I’ll make sure my toys listen too. If they don’t, I’ll give those away. The ball is sorry it disobeyed.”
She didn’t have much time alone with her Mama, she knew Daddy would be back soon. “Mama, please. Please wake up.”

She raised herself on one elbow and watched as her long brown hair mixed with her Mama’s. They had the same colour and Jasmine was proud of it, proud to look like her Mama. But her mother’s hair didn’t look as shiny anymore. It looked dirty.

“Daddy doesn’t know how to braid my hair like you do, Mama. He makes me wear silly outfits. You have to show him how to do my hair.” She ran her fingers through her Mama’s hair. She didn’t want to get off the bed. Her Mama was cold and no one was there to warm her. No one was trying to wake her up. Jasmine lightly touched the white bandage around her Mama’s head, wincing slightly. Mama would have a headache when she woke up.

“What are you doing there!” Jasmine’s Daddy suddenly shouted and she screamed, terrified that she’d gotten caught. He rushed to the bed, grabbed her left arm roughly and hauled her out of bed.
“Daddy, ow! You’re hurting me Daddy!” Jasmine cried out, trying to grab her hurting shoulder.
“I told you to stay away from your mother!” he shouted, his face in front of hers, spit flying from his mouth. He shook Jasmine roughly and she cried, not hearing what he said, just hoping her screams would wake her mother.
“Mama, Mama, WAKE UP! Daddy’s hurting me, wake up!”

The room was suddenly silent as Daddy breathed in noisily and Jasmine listened, hoping to hear Mama’s voice calling to her. Instead, what she heard was a long beep, like if the food scanner was stuck.

Her Daddy suddenly let go of her and Jasmine rushed to the mountain machine, cradling her sore shoulder with her good arm. She looked up and screamed.

The mountains were dead.

Beeeeeeep

Tanya I loved this story!! Who said you couldn't describe a child's feelings??? This was just awesome!! I must say I felt a connection to Jasmine from the word go. I had one slight problem though, at times I feel you mixed up your tenses a bit. The story was great, but I always felt that this was a little itch at the side. Other than that it was amazing!!!
ToLy!!

“Mama, wake up.” Jasmine peered over the handle bars keeping her mama safely tucked in bed. She couldn’t see her Mama’s face good so she pulled the chair to the bed, climbed on it and grasped her Mama’s cold hand through the bars. “Mama, you need more blankets, you’re too cold.”

When her Mama remained silent, Jasmine’s eyes followed the long string that went from her Mama to a machine that went beep, beep. Jasmine didn’t mind the machine. It reminded her of when she went shopping for food with her mama. The food had to pass through a scan that sounded like the machine. Scan meant food, food meant eating to stay alive, to stay healthy. That’s what her Mama said. Jasmine understood that as long as the machine went beep, beep, her mama had food and would remain alive.

Jasmine looked down to her small hand holding her Mama’s soft one, then looked up to her face. “Why are you still sleeping, Mama? You need to wake up now. Come play with me.”

Maybe she was sick. Jasmine remembered that when she was sick, Mama would come sleep in her bed with her, to keep her warm. Looking over her shoulder, her tongue stuck between her teeth, Jasmine saw no one peering into the room. She carefully lifted one leg over the bar, then the other until she was kneeling beside her Mama’s still body. Moving slowly, she curled her tiny body beside her mother’s, her eyes on the machine.

Beep, beep.

Jasmine tried to bring the sheet up to her Mama’s neck. Mama didn’t like to be cold. Jasmine would keep her warm. She settled in, her neck in the crook of her mother’s shoulder. “I think Daddy’s angry at me, Mama. He has his angry eyes all the time now when he looks at me.” She flicked her eyes up, trying to catch her mother’s eyes open. Maybe she was only playing hide and seek with her. Jasmine didn’t like this game very much. “He has his sad eyes when he looks at you, Mama. I don’t like to see those eyes. I know it’s my fault, Mama. I should have listened to you.”

Her Mama had told her to stay in the yard, to stay away from the busy street. She said that cars could be dangerous to a six year old girl. And Jasmine had listened! But she’d been playing ball and her ball hadn’t listened. It rolled to the street. J

asmine had run to catch it and she had yelled at her ball, angry that it hadn’t listened to her.

She hadn’t heard the car approaching but she’d heard her Mama’s screams. When she saw her Mama running to her, Jasmine had frozen, knowing that she’d disobeyed, afraid her Mama would take her ball away from her. She’d hid it behind her, her small arms straining to hold it in place.

When her Mama was close enough, she’d pushed Jasmine hard and Jasmine had fallen back, rolling away with her ball. “Mama!” she’d cried out, hurt that her Mama had shoved her away. Her Mama hadn’t answered her. “Mama?”

She’d suddenly her loud noises and screams and realised her Mama was lying on the ground, in front of a red car. Hesitantly, afraid of being pushed again, Jasmine had stumbled to the front of the car. Her Daddy was holding her sleeping Mama in his arms. When he looked up, Jasmine saw her Daddy had his angry eyes.

“It’s all your fault!” he had screamed at her.

Jasmine bowed her head as shame filled her. “You see Mama, you have to wake up. Daddy doesn’t want me anymore and I need to know if you still do. What will I do if you don’t?”

A tear spilled out of Jasmine’s eye and rolled down her cheek, tickling her nose. She was glad Daddy had gone for some food. He didn’t want her touching Mama. He said that she’d hurt her enough. He said she was a bad girl.

“I’m not a bad girl!” she cried out suddenly, as if her shout could wake her Mama up. Her eyes flicked over to the machine. The image on the machine looked like little mountains and she was comforted by them. Her Mama loved mountains, said they brought her hope. “Mama, you have to wake up to tell me why the mountains bring you hope. You’ve never told me. Will you sleep forever?”

Her heart hurt. She felt like someone was bear-hugging her heart so tightly that she couldn’t breathe. She was so cold. She wanted her Mama’s hug, her Mama’s kiss. She wanted to look at her with loving eyes again.

“Mama, if you wake up, I’ll give my ball away. It really isn’t that important to me. Really, Mama, I’m not lying. And I promise I’ll always be good, always listen to you.”

She shook her Mama’s shoulder lightly, casting a worried look to the spiky mountains.



Beep, beep.

“I’ll make sure my toys listen too. If they don’t, I’ll give those away. The ball is sorry it disobeyed.”

She didn’t have much time alone with her Mama, she knew Daddy would be back soon. “Mama, please. Please wake up.”

She raised herself on one elbow and watched as her long brown hair mixed with her Mama’s. They had the same colour and Jasmine was proud of it, proud to look like her Mama. But her mother’s hair didn’t look as shiny anymore. It looked dirty.

“Daddy doesn’t know how to braid my hair like you do, Mama. He makes me wear silly outfits. You have to show him how to do my hair.” She ran her fingers through her Mama’s hair. She didn’t want to get off the bed. Her Mama was cold and no one was there to warm her. No one was trying to wake her up. Jasmine lightly touched the white bandage around her Mama’s head, wincing slightly. Mama would have a headache when she woke up.

“What are you doing there!” Jasmine’s Daddy suddenly shouted and she screamed, terrified that she’d gotten caught. He rushed to the bed, grabbed her left arm roughly and hauled her out of bed.

“Daddy, ow! You’re hurting me Daddy!” Jasmine cried out, trying to grab her hurting shoulder.

“I told you to stay away from your mother!” he shouted, his face in front of hers, spit flying from his mouth. He shook Jasmine roughly and she cried, not hearing what he said, just hoping her screams would wake her mother.

“Mama, Mama, WAKE UP! Daddy’s hurting me, wake up!”

The room was suddenly silent as Daddy breathed in noisily and Jasmine listened, hoping to hear Mama’s voice calling to her. Instead, what she heard was a long beep, like if the food scanner was stuck.

Her Daddy suddenly let go of her and Jasmine rushed to the mountain machine, cradling her sore shoulder with her good arm. She looked up and screamed.

The mountains were dead.

Beeeeeeep

I thought it was great! Very simple, easy to follow. And the perspective of the young child, made it eerie, almost scary. Both amazing, and chilling.

Toly and Bivrax, thank you!