Big Brown Eyes

Her big brown eyes looked up at me,
and though it was the dead of night,
you could still see her frozen cheeks,
were the winter wind had kissed them a bright blue.
Her eyes begun to shine,
as the first tear crawled down her beautiful lonesome face.
I embraced her,
and then looked once more into my little sisters eyes,
and threw all her pain,
she gave me a heart warming smile,
which I will treasure forever.

Nice, this does tell a story about love. And welcome to YWS, you're speaking as if you've been here for months in a since. You're punctuation is great, but you can break this up into stanzas don't be afraid too, okay ?

lilbluejay wrote:Her big brown eyes looked up at me. (period; don't want to make this like a comma splice.)
And though it was the dead of night,
you could still see her frozen cheeks,
were the winter wind had kissed them a bright blue.


Her eyes begun to shine,
as the first tear crawled down her beautiful lonesome face.
I embraced her,
and then looked once more into my little sisters eyes,
and threw all her pain,
she gave me a heart warming smile,
which I will treasure forever.

Do you see what I did there ? It doesn't always have to be stanza after stanza for every poem you write you just don't want to have it looking messy. Message me if you have any questions at all, I'd be happy to help ! (:

It's kind of misleading at first. With the emotion that you were putting into it I thought maybe it was a love poem. But then at the end I realized that it was actually his sister. I don't know if you meant for it to be that way or not. But I thought it was really cute and definitely a different form of peotry. I think that people have classified poetry as one type of thing, but there are hundreds of types of poetry. We learned some of them in my creative writing class so I've had a chance to try some of them. Keep it up:)

Welcome to YWS! Good poem, though I did find a few mistakes.

Her big brown eyes looked up at me,
and though it was the dead of night,
you could still see her frozen cheeks,
where the winter wind had kissed them a bright blue.
Her eyes begun to shine
as the first tear crawled down her beautiful, lonesome face.

Just a couple minor mistakes. Also, I like the "winter wind had kissed them a bright blue" part.

I embraced her,
and then looked once more into my little sister's eyes,
and through all her pain,
she gave me a heart warming smile,
which I will treasure forever.

Just a couple minor mistakes here, too, and great ending.
Good job!

Aw! This poem is so sweet! I love how you describe the setting and the little girl. These lines were my favorites:

"you could still see her frozen cheeks,
where the winter wind had kissed them a bright blue."

That was very pretty and evocative. It got a little over-the-top sentimental in the last two lines, but that can be excused. A very cute little poem.

I loved this poem! I loved these lines "Her big brown eyes looked up at me,and though it was the dead of night, you could still see her frozen cheeks," This is really good description and gives me a good vision of who the poem is about! This line "were the winter wind had kissed them a bright blue." It is a wonderful, amazing, brilliant line! :]
Oh you are a newbie! Welcome! I hope you are finding your away around, if you have any trouble you can PM me and there are always tons of people in the chat room who are willing to help!

Welcome!
- KAH

Hey there. I love this poem, I love the words, the description and the scene. But most of all, I love how misleading it is at first, how you expect it to be about about two lovers, and in some ways it is. It's the love between two sisters. It remiends me of my sister and I in winter... *happy sigh*

Beautiful poem, one of my favourites on here.

Hi Bluejay, Pink here -dropping by for a short review-
So, I really did like this poem and I liked the descriptions you used. The imagery was also nice
Although, I did feel as if the flow was choppy and there were some weird lines but still, overall the poem was beautiful and the idea was sweet.
Keep it up,

~Pink