The Poisoned Glass

The wine turned a blood red as the poison was pored into it. Placing the empty vial into his coat pocket and picking up the glass, Nicklaus turn to the young girl standing against the wall. “There, there, you have nothing to fear. Here, drink this.” he said very smoothly as he hand her the poisoned glass.
“I’m too young to drink.” The girl said refusing the offer.
“Come now, there’s nothing wrong with a little wine.” He took a swallow from his own glass to show her it was all right.
Seeing that he had some, the girl took the glass. Clutching it in both hands, she looked at the dark, forbidden liquid. She had always wanted to taste it, and here was her chance. Before taking a sip, she looked up into the offer’s face. Something about the way he was watching made her stop. “It is best that I go now Mr. Arbor, my mother will be worried,” she said.
“Please call me Nicklaus,” He said. A pleasant, yet devious smile played on his face as he looked at her.
“I do have to be going,” The girl said again. Placing the glass on a table she headed toward the door. “My mother told me to just deliver the basket then to go straight home. I was not supposed to bother you.”
“You have not bothered me, Miss Grace.”
Grace stopped, “You know my name?”
Seeing that he had finale caught her attention he went on, “Of coarse I know your name. I also know that you come here ever Tuesday to deliver a basket of herbs to the cook.”
“I-I didn’t think anyone noticed me.” Grace said. She blushed, flattered by the thought that someone like him would notice at poor, little girl like her.
“I like to keep track of coming and going events.” Nicklaus said. Walking over to her, he gentle stroked a missed placed hair out of her face. “I’ve been keeping a particular eye on you for some time now.”
Grace step back out of his reach. Her heart fluttered in her chest, like a bird in a cage. Yes, she was thrilled at how he treated her, as though she was a lady of age. However, the truth still remanded that she was no more then twelve of age. “Please sir, I must go!”
“I told you, it’s Nicklaus.” Seeing that he had made her uncomfortable he stepped back and regained he poseur. “If you must go, at least let me arrange a carriage to take you home. I won’t have you walk though the woods after dark.”
“O’ no, I couldn’t take-”
“Please,” Nicklaus said, “it’s the least I could do.”
The thought of how fun it would be to ride home in one of Mr. Arbor’s fine carriages pried at her underprivileged heart. Still a feeling of unsureness stirred inside of her. Shacking her head She replied, “I-”
“I won’t take no for an answer,” he interrupted her.
Seeing it might be the her only way out, Grace said, “Well… I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have a ride home.”
“Good,” Nicklaus said with almost a sigh. Picking up the poisoned glass, once more he offered it to her. “Please, have one small drink before you go home.”
Wanting nothing more then to go home, she took the glass and drank it. The taste made her gag and cough. Dropping the glass, it shattered against the floor, the wine the splatter in ever direction. At first, she thought it was the wine that was making her gag, and then she realized that her throat seemed to be swollen. She could not breathe! falling to the floor, she gasped for air.
Nicklaus calmly knelt beside her and stroked her head. “There, there Grace, I didn’t want to hurt you, I only wanted to love you. But you left me with no other choice, just like the other girls. And unless you wish to die like the others, you must do as I ask. You see, I have something that will make you better?” he said. In his hand he held a small clear vial. “I’ll give it to you, if you let me do what ever I want, without you struggling. Do you understand me?”
Grace reached for the vial. Please, I cannot die!
With a satisfied smile, he placed his hand under her head and held the vial to her lips. The cool liquid slid down her throat and soon her breathing became normal.
“There,” Nicklaus said, “you’re weak now, but by morning you’ll be fully removed.”
“Please,“ Grace pleaded weakly, “I want to go home.” Looking up into his face, Grace no longer saw the pleasant man she had once thought him to be. His eyes seemed to be animalish and cruel. She tried to push his hand away from him. But he held her tightly in his arms.
“No, you agreed.” Nicklaus said. His lustful eyes trailed down her body. “Why don’t I take you up stairs and get you out of these old clothes?” Picking her up, he carried her out of the room.
Tears ran down Grace’s face, she wished she had refused his offer inside, like she had done many times before.. She wished she never had left her mother. O’ how she wished she was home sitting around the dinner table with her family, safe and loved. Why is this happening to me?

Hiya,

This is a nice piece. I love how you build up suspense and tension throughout, and some of your word choice and sentence structure is just lovely. However, what feels weak is are the character. The grammar could also use a bit of work--be sure to proofread through your writing at least once before you post it. If you need a bit of brushing up on your grammar skills, the Grammar and Research section of the Knowledge Base would be a good resource.

Because you only have two characters in this piece, all of the focus is on them. Thus, you have the opportunity to really flesh them out, and it doesn't really feel like you do. Why does Nicklaus want to kill Grace? Is he mentally ill or perverted? It doesn't feel like it. Does he have a grudge against her or her mother? You never explore any possibilities, and this leaves the reader very confused. People don't just kill for no reason. Then, if we knew why, perhaps we'd feel a bit more sorry for Grace.

Grace is a little bit better, but not my much. It seems as though she suspects something early on, but at the same time seems a seems a bit too easy to sway. How old is she? She can stand up for herself, but at the same time feels a tad too naive. Maybe if you had her put up more of a fight with the ride home and the second offer of the wine, it would be a bit more believable. I just can't buy that she would refuse at first, receive a second offer, then suddenly take it. I suppose you could argue that this is due to Nicklaus' charisma--if that is so, show us that. Maybe have him wink or place his arm around Grace's shoulder. Subtle hints like that will make the overall story that much better.

Hope this helps, and PM me if you have any questions. I'd love to see an edited version of this!

-Elinor x

Hello!

This was very, very interesting. I was definitely hooked within the first few paragraphs.

The wine turned a blood red as the poison was pored into it. Placing the empty vial into his coat pocket and picking up the glass, Nicklaus turned to the young girl standing against the wall. “There, there, you have nothing to fear. Here, drink this.” he said very smoothly as he handed her the poisoned glass.
“I’m too young to drink.” The girl said, refusing the offer.
“Come now, there’s nothing wrong with a little wine.” He took a swallow from his own glass to show her it was all right.
Seeing that he had some, the girl took the glass. Clutching it in both hands, she looked at the dark, forbidden liquid. She had always wanted to taste it, and here was her chance. Before taking a sip, she looked up into the offer’s face. Something about the way he was watching made her stop. “It is best that I go now Mr. Arbor, my mother will be worried,” she said.
“Please call me Nicklaus,” He said. A pleasant, yet devious smile played on his face as he looked at her.
“I do have to be going,” The girl said again. Placing the glass on a table she headed toward the door. “My mother told me to just deliver the basket then to go straight home. I was not supposed to bother you.”
“You have not bothered me, Miss Grace.”
Grace stopped, “You know my name?”
Seeing that he had finally caught her attention he went on, “Of course I know your name. I also know that you come here every Tuesday to deliver a basket of herbs to the cook.”
“I-I didn’t think anyone noticed me.” Grace said. She blushed, flattered by the thought that someone like him would notice a poor, little girl like her.
“I like to keep track of coming and going events.” Nicklaus said. Walking over to her, he gently stroked tucked a misplaced hair out of her face behind her ear. “I’ve been keeping a particular eye on you for some time now.”
Grace stepped back out of his reach. Her heart fluttered in her chest, like a bird in a cage. Yes, she was thrilled at how he treated her; as though she was a lady of age. However, the truth still remained that she was no more then the age of twelve. “Please sir, I must go!”
“I told you, it’s Nicklaus.” Seeing that he had made her uncomfortable he stepped back and regained his posture. “If you must go, at least let me arrange a carriage to take you home. I won’t have you walk though the woods after dark.”
“O’ no, I couldn’t take-”
“Please,” Nicklaus said, “it’s the least I could do.”
The thought of how fun it would be to ride home in one of Mr. Arbor’s fine carriages pried at her underprivileged heart. Still a feeling of unsureness uneasiness stirred inside of her. Shaking her head She replied, “I-”
“I won’t take no for an answer,” he interrupted her.
Seeing it might be the her only way out, Grace said, “Well… I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have a ride home.”
“Good,” Nicklaus said almost with a sigh of relief. Picking up the poisoned glass, once more he offered it to her. “Please, have one small drink before you go home.”
Wanting nothing more then to go home, she took the glass and drank it. The taste made her gag and cough. Dropping the glass, it shattered against the floor, the wine splattered in every direction. At first, she thought it was the wine that was making her gag, and then she realized that her throat seemed to be swollen seemed to be swelling up. She could not breathe! falling to the floor, she gasped for air.
Nicklaus calmly knelt beside her and stroked her head. “There, there Grace, I didn’t want to hurt you, I only wanted to love you. But you left me with no other choice, just like the other girls. And unless you wish to die like the others, you must do as I ask. You see, I have something that will make you better.” he said. In his hand he held a small clear vial. “I’ll give it to you, if you let me do what ever I want, without you struggling. Do you understand me?”
Grace reached for the vial. Please, I cannot die!
With a satisfied smile, he placed his hand under her head and held the vial to her lips. The cool liquid slid down her throat and soon her breathing became normal.
“There,” Nicklaus said, “you’re weak now, but by morning you’ll be fully removed.”
“Please,“ Grace pleaded weakly, “I want to go home.” Looking up into his face, Grace no longer saw the pleasant man she had once thought him to be. His eyes seemed to be animalish and cruel. She tried to push his hand away from him. But he held her tightly in his arms.
“No, you agreed.” Nicklaus said. His lustful eyes trailed down her body. “Why don’t I take you up stairs and get you out of these old clothes?” Picking her up, he carried her out of the room.
Tears ran down Grace’s face, she wished she had refused his offer to come inside, like she had done many times before.. She wished she never had left her mother. O’ how she wished she was home sitting around the dinner table with her family, safe and loved. Why is this happening to me?

I would have liked to have seen more descriptions though..,like what does the room that they're in look like? etc.

I thought that you had excellent character development for Nicklaus...but as for Grace, she seemed very flat to me. Try to use her innocence to your advantage and go more in depth with that, making her feel more helpless. Also, we only know that she's poor because she tells us, try to show the reader by describing the clothes she wears or something.

Great job with this!
Keep writing.
-Once

Hi there!

This is interesting, and there are some great descriptions. But it's not as good as it could be... yet.

Nitpicks first. Corrections in red and suggestions in bold. (:

The wine turned a blood red as the poison was poured into it. Placing the empty vial into his coat pocket and picking up the glass, Nicklaus turn to the young girl standing against the wall.
“There, there, you have nothing to fear. Here, drink this.” (make sure to make a new line when someone speaks) he said very smoothly, as he handed her the poisoned glass. (you mentioned already that it was poisoned. I think it would be better if you just told us once, rather than repeating it)

“I’m too young to drink.” The girl said, refusing the offer.

“Come now, there’s nothing wrong with a little wine.” He took a swallow from his own glass to show her it was all right.

Seeing that he had some, the girl took the glass. Clutching it in both hands, she looked at the dark, forbidden liquid. She had always wanted to taste it, and here was her chance. Before taking a sip, she looked up into the offer’s face. (offer's face sounds a bit off. Maybe describe him another way) Something about the way he was watching made her stop.
“It is best that I go now Mr. Arbor, my mother will be worried,” she said.

“Please call me Nicklaus,” He said. A pleasant, yet devious smile played on his face as he looked at her.

“I do have to be going,” The girl said again. Placing the glass on a table she headed toward the door. “My mother told me to just deliver the basket then to go straight home. I was not supposed to bother you.”

“You have not bothered me, Miss Grace.”

Grace stopped, “You know my name?”

Seeing that he had finale caught her attention he went on, “Of course I know your name. I also know that you come here ever Tuesday to deliver a basket of herbs to the cook.”

“I-I didn’t think anyone noticed me.” Grace said. She blushed, flattered by the thought that someone like him would notice a poor, little girl like her. (I don't really like the way she described herself as poor and little. It makes her seem a bit hopeless.)

“I like to keep track of coming and going events.” Nicklaus said. Walking over to her, he gently stroked a misplaced hair out of her face. “I’ve been keeping a particular eye on you for some time now.”

Grace stepped back out of his reach. Her heart fluttered in her chest, like a bird in a cage. Yes, she was thrilled at how he treated her, as though she was a lady of age. However, the truth still remanded that she was no more than twelve of age. “Please sir, I must go!”

“I told you, it’s Nicklaus.” Seeing that he had made her uncomfortable he stepped back and regained he poseur. “If you must go, at least let me arrange a carriage to take you home. I won’t have you walk though the woods after dark.”

“O’ no, I couldn’t take-”

“Please,” Nicklaus said, “it’s the least I could do.”

The thought of how fun it would be to ride home in one of Mr. Arbor’s fine carriages pried at her underprivileged heart. Still a feeling of unsureness stirred inside of her. Shaking her head She replied, “I-”

“I won’t take no for an answer,” he interrupted her.

Seeing it might be the her only way out, Grace said, “Well… I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have a ride home.”

“Good,” Nicklaus said with almost a sigh. Picking up the poisoned glass, once more he offered it to her. “Please, have one small drink before you go home.”

Wanting nothing more then to go home, she took the glass and drank it. The taste made her gag and cough. Dropping the glass, it shattered against the floor, the wine the splattering in ever direction. At first, she thought it was the wine that was making her gag, and then she realized that her throat seemed to be swollen. (I could really see this happening. Great description here) She could not breathe! falling to the floor, she gasped for air.

Nicklaus calmly knelt beside her and stroked her head. “There, there Grace, I didn’t want to hurt you, I only wanted to love you. But you left me with no other choice, just like the other girls. And unless you wish to die like the others, you must do as I ask. You see, I have something that will make you better?” he said. In his hand he held a small clear vial. “I’ll give it to you, if you let me do what ever I want, without you struggling. Do you understand me?”

Grace reached for the vial. Please, I cannot die! (did she say this? If so, put it in quotation marks. And a descripton on how she said it would work well here.)

With a satisfied smile, he placed his hand under her head and held the vial to her lips. The cool liquid slid down her throat and soon her breathing became normal.

“There,” Nicklaus said, “You’re weak now, but by morning you’ll be fully removed.”

“Please,“ Grace pleaded weakly, “I want to go home.” Looking up into his face, Grace no longer saw the pleasant man she had once thought him to be. His eyes seemed to be animalish and cruel. She tried to push his hand away from him. But he held her tightly in his arms.

“No, you agreed.” Nicklaus said. His lustful eyes trailed down her body. “Why don’t I take you up stairs and get you out of these old clothes?” Picking her up, he carried her out of the room.

Tears ran down Grace’s face, she wished she had refused his offer inside, like she had done many times before.. She wished she never had left her mother. O’ how she wished she was home sitting around the dinner table with her family, safe and loved. Why is this happening to me?

So make sure to read through your posts carefully, because there were quite a few easily avoidable spelling errors there. Do check out the 'Grammar and Research' link that Elinor recommended, just to brush up on grammar.

Overall:

I really like certain bits of this, especially how the suspense builds up the whole way through. I think it would be good if you could expand more on Grace's feelings for Nicklaus as the story progresses. I'd also like to see more fear; if you could maybe show us that, it would make the story stronger.
In terms of characters, I'm not too sure. They're a little weak at the moment. Grace isn't very easy to relate to, and I think that's because her emotions aren't outlined clearly. I would like to see her as more than a 'poor little girl', especially as she is practically the main focus as the story. Little things like what she's wearing could help.
Nicklaus intruiges me, and I would certainly like to see more of him. At the moment I don't really understand his actions, but maybe that will come later on.

Overall, a good read that, with a few improvements on the characters and grammar, could be great.

PM me with any questions, and hope I helped!

~Lilicia

hey, d.f.b. here. i liked this story, it was composed well, and i loved the concept. i just wished that you had described the imagery more. like what might grace have looked like, what did Nicklaus look like. how old was Nicklaus compared to grace? did anyone else know about what he did to girls? in what time setting was this? what was the place like? if you expand on these thing, it might your story a little more descriptive, and it might extend your story. but i loved the idea of it, i could picture it very well. - d.f.b. out! keep writing.

Hiya,

Sorry this is so late! Anyway, I read this through and overall, it's improved a lot since the first draft. You really took the advice you were given to heart, and now I feel as though I know the characters and story a lot more. You've added a piece of the puzzle that wasn't there before, so now, there's a driving force that keeps us hooked from beginning to end. However, I think it could still be better.

Lilicia's review was pretty much spot-on, but I just wanted to expand on some points she made. Firstly, the grammar still needs a ton of work, so be sure to check that over. Also, you might want to run through a spell check--there were a lot of misspelled words that I noticed. If you have Firefox or Chrome, a spell check is built into the web browser. YWS even has one--it's just up the top right corner of the text box.

You need more build-up to her rape. It seems as though he wants to murder her at first, and then...bam, she's about to get raped. It's really sudden and kind of leaves the reader turning their heads. Use the first couple of paragraphs to develop Nicklaus' character; add those subtle hints like I was telling you before. Get the reader into his head; how is he going to get her so she can't escape?

Overall, this has improved significantly! Kudos. ^^

-Elinor x