Saving Lilly~New Chapter Three

“You promised!” A tall man bellowed.

“I know,” the other man said in his hissing voice.

“Then why did you talk to her? You know that you aren’t supposed to talk to her. Not after the incident.”

“I slipped.” He said sheepishly.

“Don’t let it happen again. You seem to be unaware of my power; I have the ability to crush you in a second. Stay away from her.”

“I’ll try.”

“No, you will,” he said with finality. “Get out.” The hooded man nodded and just like that he disappeared. The man collapsed into his chair and ran his hand down his face. A little girl appeared in the doorway.

“Daddy?” She said. He smiled, and opened his arms. She ran into the hug and whispered “I had a nightmare.”

He frowned. “I’m sorry. You can sleep in my bed tonight,” she nodded. He said that for her sake and his. He was worried the man would try to talk to her again, so the closer she was the better.

Meanwhile, the hooded man had returned to his own castle. He poured himself a drink and sat at his desk. After taking a sip, he picked up the doll the girl had dropped. The King was mad at him, but not mad enough for his plan. He ran a gnarled finger down her porclin face and hissed to himself, “Soon. All in good time.”

It's a short excerpt. I'd love to hear more. I haven't read the previous chapters, so I may not be the best reviewer for this. But I noticed how the tall man can have very different personalities in different situations. You may want to play this up a bit. I think it needs to be a bit longer over all. You can add a little more conversation between the two men and then between the man and his daughter to emphasize the contrast. Maybe make the father/daughter exchange a little more sugar coated, like the father offering to buy his daughter a teddy bear to help with the nightmares. I think this will be that much more interesting with the sharp contrast.

First, this seemed like way too weird the way it is. I think it should go into the previous chapter. You'd have to extend that memory scene a bit more to encompass the fight between the King and the hooded man + the walk to the castle or however you're going to fix this. At the moment, this scene is too out of place.

The mix would look something like this - keep in mind I didn't do a fantastic job merging, but I couldn't think of any other way...

funkyreg101 wrote:That night she recalled a day long ago with her father, who was now dead. They were having a picnic and Lilly-Lynne was just little.

"Hello, Princess," a man in a dark cloak had said. His voice was more of a loud hiss. Lilly-Lynne turned around. She remembered being frightened by the man under the hood.

"My daddy told me not to talk to strangers." She said, glancing around to see exactly where her father was. She spotted him gathering berries. The man nodded.

"That’s okay, I’m not a stranger," He replied.

"You aren’t?" Lilly-Lynne asked. He shook his head.

"No, your daddy knows who I am." He continued, "We used to be good friends, actually. But your daddy decided that he didn’t like me one day, now were not." Lilly-Lynne nodded.

"Oh. And why doesn’t daddy like you?" She asked him.

"Because when you were born, I killed your mother. I would have killed your daddy too, but he stopped me." He took a step towards Lilly-Lynne, but she took a step back and screamed. Her dad looked up and saw the hooded man. He had charged at him and knocked him to the ground. In her fright, Lilly-Lynne dropped her doll, Lizzie. The two men tussled on the ground for a moment, and then the king got the upper hand, pinning the stranger down.

“You promised!” A tall man bellowed.

“I know,” the other man said in his hissing voice, panting.

“Then why did you talk to her? You know that you aren’t supposed to talk to her. Not after the incident.”

“I slipped.” He said sheepishly.

“Don’t let it happen again." The king roughly pushed himself off the ground and didn't offer the stranger a hand up, " You seem to be unaware of my power; I have the ability to crush you in a second. Stay away from her.”

“I’ll try.”

“No, you will,” he said with finality and emphasis on the word will. “Get out Leave.” The hooded man nodded and just like that he disappeared in a small ripple of heat. The man king collapsed into his chair back onto the grass and ran his hand down his face. A little girl appeared in the doorway.

“Daddy?” She said. He smiled, and opened his arms. She ran into the hug and whispered, “I had a nightmare. Who was he? That was awful.”

He frowned. “I’m sorry. You can sleep in my bed tonight.” She nodded.

But then I'm not sure how you'd be able to fix the second part:

He said that for her sake and his. He was worried the man would try to talk to her again, so the closer she was the better.

Meanwhile, the hooded man had returned to his own castle. He poured himself a drink and sat at his desk. After taking a sip, he picked up the doll the girl had dropped. The King was mad at him, but not mad enough for to dismiss his plan. He ran a gnarled finger down her porclin porcelain face and hissed to himself, “Soon. All in good time.”

I see what you're trying to do here, but it doesn't work as a third chapter- but it's not interesting enough to be a prologue, which is the only other place it'd fit.

The whole conversation also makes no sense - if the hooded man indeed did kill the queen, then why would the king even talk to him, ever? Lilly, even being young, would know that murder is a bad thing and wonder why the hooded man wasn't taken to the dungeons etc.

- Jai