New Story...need title! :)

I sort of modeled this on the style of Freak the Mighty, if you've ever read that...I think it's pretty cool, need some crit, though.

I am a complete L-O-S-E-R. Like, first of all, my best friend’s parents are missionaries and so they’ve moved to some island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that I can’t even pronounce. Second of all, I’m pretty near failing every single class except for Social Studies, which I’ve got an A in (don’t ask). So basically, like, all I can do is skateboard, ding up the front porch and sing along with the stupid Charmin commercials on TV. (Seriously, humming along while some cartoon bears scratch their butts on trees just shows you how far I’ve fallen.) Oh, the other thing I can do is crank up the volume on that Blink 182 CD and make my mom crazy. Seriously, she’d better be glad I’m not one of the rap or heavy metal kids because then it would be a ton worse for her, trust me. (GO CRAZY! AHAHAHA AH! GO CRAZY! AHAHAHA…well actually that’s a good song so I shouldn’t be talking. But think Eminem at 130 decibels and you get the picture.) So now I’m sitting in this stupid old fart-smelling bus, my back to the window, my legs on the seat, singing along under my breath to Dashboard Confessionals because the Blink 182 is under my bed somewhere. I look at the cussing permanently etched in the back of the grimy seat, and have the sudden urge to write something. Something stupid. Like that whole “Gene Krupa wuz here yo” thing my friend and I started because that drummer guy was, like, for some reason, in the English book. Or that stupid quote I heard that always makes me crack up. “Happiness is like peeing your pants. Everyone else can tell, but only YOU can feel the sensation.” This shaggy blonde kid wearing this completely hideous, baggy camouflage outfit and this grubby yellow backpack stands in the aisle and looks at me.
“Forgot how to tie your shoes, Kyle? ‘Cause I can do the bunny ears for ya, if ya want.” He snickers and looks at my feet. I do too. (No snickering coming from me.) They’re just Etnies. And it’s like, the unwritten rule of fashion that you NEVER tie Etnies under any circumstances. Never. I don’t know who came up with that, but it’s cool anyway.
“I just like them that way.” I crank up the volume, trying to ignore his laughter.

It's really sort of personal...this is my life basically, but I WISH i had Etnies...

Hehe I liked it. Made me chuckle, which is always a good thing. I liked the style - I haven't read that book you mentioned - but it's a good narrative, you talking to use. It's a bit small though, and hope you can add some more. Please write some more!

A nitpick:

- I don't like words in upper case in stories. But that's your preference, I guess. I feel they don't make the story look good and detract from the overall look of the story.

Are you really 11? This sort of writing shows maturity for someone your age (not trying to patronise you) and great writing style for your age. I wasn't this good when I was 11, at all.

Well done. I think I might read your other story "228" now, is it? Anyhoo, nice going.

Thanks! I just read that story and I was so involved before you know it there's 10 chapters...I just admired it, I guess.

That's awesome, man! I like that style. As for a title... "The Loser on the Bus just Sits Around"

I dunno. Sounds funny to me.

Even though others said they laughed, it was somewhat humorous in some smart parts. However, it sounded like you were trying too hard to make the reader laugh and not being yourself. Not to mention, the "likes" really made it sound like someone was talking to you and you basically were just typing verbatim what they said to you. Which now, I see is fine in some cases.
But don't get me wrong, this was a very original piece of work and I found it interesting, even though it isn't necessarily my style.

Yay! That's what I was going for...to make it sound like I'm just typing down what somebody said to me! yay! it works!

Just a question...when I want to post more of a story, do I do a new post or do I just post more...in the same post?

I completely HATE language arts. Seriously, our lives would be sooo much better without it. Who cares if I can tell a noun from a pronoun? It's not, like, crucial or anything. So I'm sitting in the back row, as usual, trying to pay attention to Miss Simmons and her giant unibrow instead of looking at the clock and waiting for fourth period to be over. Then it's lunch. How I love it. Krista, the girl sitting next to me, waits until the teacher's not looking and then pushes a mashed up piece of an old English worksheet in front of me. God. What now? Eek eek, has American Eagle, like, run out of some stupid pink t-shirt again? That was yesterday's note. Like I care. I sigh and unfold it, and, like wow, it's not about the mall.

Have u heard about Jeff + Veronica? It says, in her bubbly, girly handwriting. The paper is crinkling really, really loud as I try to flatten it out. I cringe and silently grab a pencil out of my trapper.

No.

She snatches the note back, like, seriously, less than a second after I'm done writing it.

Wanna know?

Sure. Whatever.

They were making out in the library before when I was typing up a paper for Spanish. In the biography section.

Disgusting.

I know. It's like, get a room or something.
I quickly look back up at Miss Simmons, and it seems like, phew, she's done already. She catches my eye and smiles, that fake teacher smile that actually means "Now how much do I get paid for this?" Miss Simmons scribbles something on a piece of paper, then heads over to our table, her Birkenstocks making this, like, squishing sound as she walks. Everyone else has their books out, doing some page I have no clue about. She kneels down in front of us, and we're hit by the Aura of Impending Doom. Her unibrow wiggling slightly, she sticks this pink slip of paper on top of my trapper.
"Lunch detention. For the both of you." That teacher smile returns to her face, and we both look at her like 'What the h-e-double hockey sticks are you talking about, lady?' Miss Simmons obviously seems to figure this one out and she says, "I'm serious. Now, could I have that note?"

i havent got much to say to be honest but i liked this piece. I chuckled a few time hehe. Anyway, can't wait to see more of your work. Keep at it mim x

you never posted that last part at RK! I really love this story! Good job! Yeah, that's how I was with The room, I kept writing and writing because I had such a crush on Luke! I kept on wanting to know what happened to him, so I kept on writing! I love books like that...

anyways, good job! I posted on ur website, btw.

I didn't post it at RK for obvious reasons. *lol*

I love your syle, Sam! You're like an 11 year old versuion of me! Etnies RULE I'm hopefully getting a pair in the near future. (Do u like converse all stars and/or combat boots)

My one crit is that I think you need to use a little more paragraphs! That's all really. This would make a great storybook if you made sure everyone wrote like a sk8er!!

PS what is a Gene Krupa?!?!

Oh that's a long story...lol

COMBAT BOOTS AND ALL-STARS ROCK!!!!!

I really like this story, it sounded true, not something you made up. I liked the 'like' inbeetween the sentences; it sounded more like someone was talking to you not telling you story.
This also made me laugh, like when you said this:

"So basically, like, all I can do is skateboard, ding up the front porch and sing along with the stupid Charmin commercials on TV. (Seriously, humming along while some cartoon bears scratch their butts on trees just shows you how far I’ve fallen.)"

HAHAHAHAHA!

I just wanted you to know I had this story stuck in my head so I searched for it on YWS for forty five minutes before i finally found it...I just had to whine at you for that.