Memory Loss

My heart thudded loudly and my knees shook under my weight. Please, please, please let the door close. I thought to myself. Pushing myself into the furtherest corner of the elevator i tried not to think about what would happen if the automatic doors didn’t slide shut in the next five seconds. A loud binge flooded the enclosed area and then ever so slowly the doors started to ease themselves shut.
“Wait!” a masculine voice yelled from down the hall. I saw a young man around eighteen put up his hand and start jogging towards me. Frantically, I started to repeatedly hit the down arrow.
“Hold up!” he yelled again.
“Sorry,” I yelled my voice coming out shaky, “Too late.”
And just when he made it to a holt in front of the metal doors, they slide shut with a clunk. I let myself exhale a sigh of relief but my body was still tight with fear. I wasn’t free yet.
The peaceful music that drifted from the sound system couldn’t un-wind the knots of nerves in my body, if anything it made them worse. I watched with anxious eyes as the red numbers above the door began to spiral downwards. My bare foot tapped with sharp short movements against the dull green lineal floor. Without much warning the doors began to open ever so painfully slow as they had closed. A lady pushing a buggy was standing there. She smiled politely when she saw me but soon it faltered when she saw I wasn’t moving.
“Are you going back up?” she asked, squeezing in next to me. I stepped away from her and the baby giggling happily in the push chair. My heart beat even faster as I watched her brown eyes bore into me.
“No.” I snapped and made my numb legs step out as claustrophobia started to leak into me. I refused to look back as I practically jogged down the almost vacant hallway.
“Excuse me!” someone yelled from behind. Against all of my best intentions I glanced back and saw someone was following me, “Can you wait for a second?”
Every pore in my body began to overflow with sweat as my heart rate picked up and my knees almost collapsed from underneath me. I slowed down and listened as the air around me became filled with noise from someone joining me.
“Rachel?” he asked. And now that the person was closer I realised that it had been the boy I hadn’t held the door for.
“Who’s asking?” embarrassingly enough my voice shook violently. I took a step back so I wasn’t as close to this total stranger who knew my name.
“Kyle.” He spoke gently and I saw him flinch in pain, “I’m not going to hurt you.”
I hated the way everyone thought I was scared of them.
“What do you want?” I hissed and took an involuntary step backwards.
“You have to come with me.” He coaxed in a gentle voice and I was utterly shocked to see a film of tears begin to coat his bright blue eyes.
“No I don’t!” I gasped, “I don’t even know you.”
“Yes you do, Rachel.” He whispered and stepped forward to grab my hand. I smacked him away before he could touch his skin to mine. With adrenaline pumping through my veins I spun around and began to sprint down the crisp clean hallway.
“I’m sorry.” The boy said from behind me, “I tried but I think you’ll have to intervene.”
In a distant way I could remember where I was but I couldn’t recall the word for what it was called, which made me start panicking even more. Footsteps increased in speed from behind me. I didn’t let myself slow down to look back though, I just kept powering forward and hoped like anything that I would get out this time.
“Rachel, honey.” A ladies voice called, “We’re here to help.”
People were watching me as I ran past them; some were wearing funny uniforms and talked in riddles to the people chasing me. Even with the extra strength I felt I had, I couldn’t get away fast enough. The opening to the outside world lay within my reach, just a few short metres in front of me. But Kyle and his clan caught me first.
“NOOOOO!” I yelled and tried to wriggle free from his strong grip.
“Calm down, Rachel.” A lady with red hair tried to sooth me but her hair was the same colour as fire and wasn’t soothing at all.
“Don’t touch me, let me go!”I screamed in their serene faces but it was all a waste of time, for they had won.
“Where’s the sedation?” a man appeared out of no where. His eyebrows looked like one thick caterpillar lying across his forehead and his huge hands were stopping my arms from flying about.
“LET ME GO!” I screamed and let out a terrified sob. Who were these people? Why were they touching me? I felt a prick on the top of my arm and a stinging sensation. I tried to wiggle my way free but all the strong hands kept me in place.
“She’ll be fine.” The man with the caterpillar eyebrows told Kyle who nodded and looked just as terrified as I felt. My vision slowly began to blur at the edges and dip and waver in the centre. I felt too tired to fight anymore so I let my body go limp and just stare straight ahead. The sun from outside streamed in the door and left a light patch glistening on the polished floor. I tried to imagine what it would feel like to be free of these walls that trapped me like a mouse in a cage. But before I could think to much my eyes shut and I drifted into a world of blackness.
**

Very general comments:
1) Expand on this. What you've shown us is basically a singular event. We don't understand anything new about the characters besides Rachel is some kind of crazy (simple "memory loss" usually does not entail forgetting social norms and societal standards, so by freaking out at everything and fighting workers, she's obviously some kind of crazy). Elaborate on it. Why is she like this? What can she do to get out of it? Is she rightfully imprisoned in this hospital/ward/whatever? Should we feel sorry for her? Or is she just that crazy that we can't even root for her escape? Or if the situation is totally inconsequential, then perhaps such a short story shouldn't be told.
2) Proofread your work.

Particulars:

Please, please, please let the door close. I thought to myself.

"...to myself" is rather unnecessary, since you can't think thoughts to anyone else.

Pushing myself into the furtherest corner i tried not to think

Farthest. Not even furthest, as furthest means abstract measurement (like "further your education" or "listen further") while farther means physical measurement i.e. distance (like "the farthest building" or "the farthest corner"). Also, capitalize that "i"

if the automatic doors didn’t slide shut in the next five seconds.

Does the narrator not know how to work an elevator? Later, she's trying to push the down arrow from inside the elevator (there are no down arrows inside the elevator, but rather floors. The down arrow is outside). There's also the button that supposedly closes the door on command. I think you want that one. (looks like this: >||< )

A loud binge flooded the enclosed area and then ever so slowly the doors started to ease themselves shut.

I think you need to do research on elevators. The doors "bing" (not binge) before they open. Not while they close.

“Wait!” a masculine voice yelled from down the hall. I saw a young man

The masculine voice isn't really necessary, as you immediately follow it up with describing a man. Adjectives like "masculine" are really only used when the noun is especially masculine or where that is your only indication of sex.

Frantically, I started to repeatedly hit the down arrow.

Don't let adverbs like "frantically" do the talking for you. Adverbs are shallow, mouthfuls of words that pale in comparison to well-used verbs. The narrator repeatedly hitting the button is indication enough of her state of mind.

he made it to a holt

He made it to a "halt," maybe?

I let myself exhale a sigh of relief

"I exhaled a sigh of relief" is good enough, don't cram your sentence with unnecessary pieces.

Without much warning the doors began to open ever so painfully slow as they had closed.

Usually your warning is the elevator stopping.

She smiled politely when she saw me but soon it faltered when she saw I wasn’t moving.
“Are you going back up?” she asked, squeezing in next to me.

You made it such a point to say that she was huddled in the far corner of the elevator that this was confusing. Backtrack and let us know that she has moved right to the doorway.

listened as the air around me became filled with noise from someone joining me.

This is an extremely wordy way of saying, "He caught up to her" or something like that. I'm not even entirely sure if that's what you were going for.

“Who’s asking?” embarrassingly enough my voice shook violently

Those are two sentences. Capitalize the embarrasingly. It would only be one sentence if you put in an "I said..." So it's "'Who's asking?' (Pause) Embarrassingly enough, my voice shook."

I hated the way everyone thought I was scared of them.

An example of how the story suffers from being completely out of context. Does everyone think she's scared of them? We haven't seen any prior examples of 1) her seeming scared and 2) the person misinterpreting it. We have seen examples of 1) her actually being scared (cowering in the corner of the elevator, running away from ladies with strollers) 2) the person not having any reaction whatsoever (the "young man" (whom you later call a boy) is simply calling for the elevator to be held or the lady just stands there)

“Rachel, honey.” A ladies voice

You've got your dialogue/capitalization all backwards. Now it should be "'[dialogue]' a lady's voice called" (note the "lady's," as well). Please do look up capitalization rules and dialogue.

The opening to the outside world lay within my reach, just a few short metres in front of me. But Kyle and his clan caught me first.

There's an easy way out of this place? Weird. Describe it in at least a couple words, maybe? And the use of "clan" is rather silly. Think of another word, as "clan" tends to be reserved for actual familial/territorial bound groups or when used sarcastically.

“NOOOOO!” I yelled...“LET ME GO!” I screamed

The all caps method to convey shouting is rather elementary, reserved for aimless angry people on Youtube videos and forums about abortion and religion. Not that it's forbidden, but it's not exactly a great tool. Let your word choice convey how dialogue should be read.

So again. This story ends rather abruptly. We learn nothing and gained nothing. Expand upon this if you want us to come to some sort of understanding with your characters, if you want us to care about what happens. Brush up on your rules of dialogue, proofread to make sure you're saying what you want to say, make sure you're putting in narration directions so we can see the world and actions, and pull out the words that make sentences a mouthful.

Lemme know if you have any questions.

Hey borntoshop. Sarg already gave you a good, thorough review, fixing many of the numerous grammatical and spelling errors here, so do listen to his advice! All of the things he pointed out, I second. I'll try and find the rest of them.

After you finish reading this review, read these: Dialogue Punctuation, Semi-colon usage, and "Show, Don't (Just) Tell.

My heart thudded loudly

First of all, you should avoid adverbs (loudly, suddenly, slowly, happily) like the plague, because they're the #1 culprit of "Show-Not-Tell". When you use adverbs, you tell readers how something is done instead of showing us what it's like. I think you could do without "loudly" here, particularly because the fact that your heart is already "thudding" gets the point across.

Also, starting a story with a wildly beating heart isn't very original, so you may want to rethink that.

“Sorry,” I yelled my voice coming out shaky, “Too late.”

Comma after "yelled". Include commas where you would normally pause if reading something aloud.

And just when he made it to a holt in front of the metal doors, they slide shut with a clunk.

You mean "slid". "Slide" is a present-tense verb, but this whole story is in past-tense, so you don't want to get them confused.

The peaceful music that drifted from the sound system couldn’t un-wind the knots of nerves in my body, if anything it made them worse. I watched with anxious eyes as the red numbers above the door began to spiral downwards. My bare foot tapped with sharp short movements against the dull green lineal floor. Without much warning the doors began to open ever so painfully slow as they had closed. A lady pushing a buggy was standing there. She smiled politely when she saw me but soon it faltered when she saw I wasn’t moving.

Couple things here.

Firstly, you like to use as many words as possible to describe a small thing. This makes your prose chunky and harder to digest. I'm going to rewrite this paragraph as I'd write it, and see if I can make it any smoother or clearer.

The peaceful music that drifted from the sound system couldn’t un-wind the my knots of nerves in my body, [semi-colon here] if anything [comma] it made them worse. I watched with anxious eyes as the red numbers above the door began to spiral downwards. My bare foot tapped with sharp short movements against the dull green lineal floor. Without much warning [comma] the doors began to open ever so as painfully slow slowly as they had closed. A lady pushing a buggy was standing there. She smiled politely when she saw me [comma] but soon it faltered when she saw I wasn’t moving.

Whew! Everything is red, I would remove. They're excess phrases that don't have much real meaning and are just clogging up you sentences. The things in green are punctuation errors I've fixed, and the things in blue and words I added to make the sentences make sense.

Finally, the last sentence: why would her smile falter when she saw the narrator wasn't moving? Do people generally move in an elevator? There's really no reason to move in an elevator. Maybe she's surprised when your MC doesn't smile back, but it's not like she's expected to get up and start dancing, or pace around the elevator!

“Rachel, honey.” A ladies voice called, “We’re here to help.”

Should be: "Rachel, honey," a lady's voice called. "We're here to help."

Overall

I've got to agree with Sag on the overall story. This feels like the beginning of a novel more than a completed short story. You've got conflict, which is good, but that's pretty much all you have-- we learn nothing of these characters (except that Rachel has undergone some traumatic experience that has rendered her terrified of all people), nothing of the setting, circumstances, anything. The purpose of a short story is for readers to feel something or know something at the end that they didn't know at the beginning, but that doesn't happen here. All we see is Rachel's unexplained freak-out, which doesn't have much to give us.

As far as actual writing style goes, you're going to have to find more original ways to say "I'm freaking out". I really like that you're trying to show her fear and anxiety, but you go a bit overboard. Every other sentence is either "veins pumping with adrenaline" or "heart thudding in my chest" or "numb legs" or "pores began to overflow with sweat" or "made me start panicking even more". You've reached the physical panicking threshold-- instead of cramming as many physical descriptions of her emotions, try to explore her thought process a bit more. We never really see why she'd reacting to violently to these people, except briefly in the end when she's wondering why the strangers are trying to touch her. Memory loss, I'd imagine, would end in more bewilderment and anxiety that this hysterical, maniacal rage you've put Rachel in. Explain her reasoning, her thoughts.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me if you need anything!

~Evi