The prophecy

O.k. So this is only the begin part of my book and there isn't any fantasy in it yet, but I find it so hard to start of a decent story so please review it and tell me what you think. Thanks.

Leila stood static on the edge of her bedroom's balcony, leaning againt the sculpted metal rails. The morning sun glistened as it surfaced on the horizon as a subtle breeze brushed through her hair, leaving the distinct aroma of pine lingering.

Throughout the grounds of Layro Manor, the employees hurried from place to place, goining about their morning duties.

Leila, unintentionally ignoring her surroundings, had her gaze set solely upon the secluded woods that existed quietly beyond the Manor gardens.

The young teen, along with her sister Lucy, had only been at Layro Manor three days and two nights, but it already felt like things were turning for the worse. Leila thought back to when she had first met Lord Layro at Starlight Children's Home open day where individuals, couples or even families who were interested in adopting or fostering could come and learn more about the certain procedures.

Lord Rex Layro, a well built mid forties man with light brown hair-that was sporting the beginnings of a salt and pepper look-had approached a not-to-bothered Leila in her room that afternoon.
"I see that not every inmate is allowed out on these open days." He teased in a rough voice. Leila smiled slightly and turned around to greet the stranger.
"Yeah. Juvenile prisons are getting worse thanks to the goverment," she giggled, surprising herself, "I don't exactly feel like hanging around another set of foster parents who will eventually decide that two kids is just too much," she explained, "Our last two foster families brought us back like a broken carton of milk." She looked up at the man with a oh-well-better-luck-next-time look accross her face.
"Us?"
"Yeah. Me and my sister, Lucy."
The two formally introduced themselves and sat listening to each others stories until it was time for Lord Rex to leave. The two exchanged their goodbyes and the Lord promised to visit her again some day. Leila watched through her bedroom window as he climbed into his silver Rolls Royce and drove away.

Leila strolled out of memory lane and focused back on the woods. Two nights of sleeplessness I can bare, but three? Each night at the Manor, sleep had becom a problem for her. As the wind stroked the window panes it brought with it the voices of strangers, calling out for help. However, Leila seemed to be the only one who could hear them, but it wasn't like hearing someone speak to you face to face, it was almost...telepathy.

Continued soon...

Hi, I real like the story, but there were a few mistakes. Please don't be mad by me pointing them out. After all, you were the one who asked for a review...

Blackrose wrote:Leila stood [url]static[/url] on the edge of her bedroom's balcony,

You might consider using a different word here in steed of "static" maybe something like "motionless".

Blackrose wrote:The morning sun glistened as it surfaced on the horizon [url]as[/url] a subtle breeze brushed through her hair,

You should place a (,) after horizon and remove the "as".

Blackrose wrote:leaving the distinct aroma of pine [url]lingering[/url].

lingering is not needed.

Blackrose wrote:[url]Leila,[/url] unintentionally ignoring her surroundings, [url]had her[/url] gaze set solely upon the secluded woods that existed quietly beyond the Manor gardens.

Leila's name is not needed here do to the fact she has been the only character introduced at this moment, then you might what to change "had her" to "she".

Blackrose wrote:had [url]onlybeen[/url]

"only been" not one word!

Blackrose wrote:couples or even families who were interested in adopting or fostering

place a (,) at the end

Blackrose wrote:"I don't exactly feel like hanging around another [url]et[/url] of foster parents

I think you meant "set"

Blackrose wrote:["Yeah, me and my sister, Lucy."

Always place yourself last, example "Yeah, my sister, Lucy, and I." Or "Yeah, my sister and I." <-- you don't have to say her sister's name just yet.

Blackrose wrote:Two nights [url]of sleeplessness[/url] I can bare, but three?

doesn't sound right you might want to use something else like "without sleep"

Also, you never told how old Leila is, or what time seting it is in. This are to of the main things that are asked at the begianing of any story. Once agian I realy liked it. keep up the good work!
~AGS

Hi Blackrose,

Welcome to YWS. I hope you like it here

I see you have some great description, but you are repetitive:

Leila stood static on the edge of her bedroom's balcony, leaning againt the sculpted metal rails. The morning sun glistened as it surfaced on the horizon as a subtle breeze brushed through her hair, leaving the distinct aroma of pine lingering.

Here, you've used "as" twice very close together. You've also put too much information in one sentence. I tell this to everyone: vary the lengths of your sentences. Example: short, medium, short, long, long, short, medium etc. Here's my rewritten version of the quote above (I've made all changes in red):

Leila stood at her bedroom's balcony, leaning against the sculpted metal rails.The morning sun glistened as it surfaced on the horizon and a subtle breeze brushed suddenly through her hair. It left a distinct aroma of pine.

Okay, first, I took out static because a) nobody ever uses it like that anymore and b) for what it means in this context, you're practically just saying "Leila stood stood". What I'm trying to say is that it's repetitive. Next colourized place: if you say "sculpted", you have to at least say what's engraved and, either way "engraved" is a better word to use. Next: just an "and" inserted here instead of "as". The sun anyway would be glistening continuously, so how can the breeze come while the sun is glistening? I find this works better and also sounds nicer when you read it. Next: flipped. Next: Divided sentences, simply.

Also:

Leila, unintentionally ignoring her surroundings, had her gaze set solely upon the secluded woods that existed quietly beyond the Manor gardens.

It's impossible to fix yourself on something purposely and yet unintentionally ignore everything else.

Okay, you like saying "Leila" at the beginning of every paragraph, like the one with her sister. Maybe it should go something like this:

Along with her younger sister Lucy, Leila............................

had only space been at Layro Manor three days and two nights

Lord Rex Layro, a well built mid-forties manman in his forties

Not-to-bothered= not-so-bothered

Leila strolled out of memory lane and focused back on the woods.

I liked how you wrote that. It flows nicely.

Overall

This piece definitely has potential and so do you. You have fantastic images to portray and a good vocabulary, it's just a matter of writing it so that we can share that image. I'd like to see more of your fantasy as you are very good at writing it and I'd love to help you out.

Look back: You're repetitive and need to keep track of what you've already written/typed. The beginning really intrigued me, but then after, there wasn't much description. Even it out, spread it throughout. It would be really nice.

I still loved this piece. It was a nice change from the other fantasy pieces and it definitely wasn't dull.

Keep it up!

Lavvi

PS- Any questions about the review or something else, just PM me

Yeah, the writers before me really hit the nail on the head with their corrections. Your writing in general shows need for improvement but also reveals a lot of promise, because we can see the great images you portray; now it's all about perfecting that image. I won't reiterate what's already been said, so keep it up.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hello Rose, Pink here

Nitpicks

leaning against the sculpted metal rails.

leaving the distinct aroma of pine lingering.

>Leaving and lingering are 'almost' the same thing here. I suggest taking out the 'lingering'.

goining about their morning duties.

>*going

"I see that not every inmate is allowed out on these open days." He teased in a rough voice. Leila smiled slightly and turned around to greet the stranger.

>Comma after days.
Open days," he teased in a rough voice.

"Yeah. Juvenile prisons are getting worse thanks to the government,"

She looked up at the man with an oh-well-better-luck-next-time look across her face.
"Us?"

"Yeah. Me and my sister, Lucy."

>I'm pretty sure it's "My sister, Lucy, and I." Or something like that...

The two formally introduced themselves and sat listening to each other's stories until it was time for Lord Rex to leave. The two exchanged their goodbyes and the Lord promised to visit her again someday.

sleep had become a problem for her.

Overall
Alright, I liked the idea of telepathy in here. I mean it's a subject that I haven't seen much and I find it interesting and I'm left wondering what kind of plot you plan to build around this attribute.
Now, your writing needs some work. Review your work or run a spell check because there were quite a few misspelled words. I don't think they were intentional though, more like you were typing too fast and could have been typos. Nonetheless, it is an easy fix and I deeply suggest you run through with the spell check before submitting your work.
Also, there were parts of this where your descriptions were done well and other parts where they lacked, but that might just be the way I see this piece. Overall, you did quite well and I wish you luck with the rest of your story.
Cheers,

~Pink