Mine

Okay, first ever poem o.0
YWS is making me want to do all sorts of crazy things. Anyway, any and all comments and suggestions are loved

I wish I were a poet
That the tip tap of keys
The scratch of a biro
Somehow yielded something
Transcendental
Emotive
True

That layers of meaning shimmered
Above, or below
Like a memory, hovering
Just out of reach
A rosebud, unfurling
A sudden shaft of sunlight
Breaking through

But it lies
A flat, shapless, formless thing
Inert, trapped
Between ruled lines

Yet I too
Can take these words
Trodden by centuries of use
And fashion something new
Rough hewn, clumsy

Snatched, teased, cajoled
From I know not where.
My head? My heart?

But mine.

Oh God, it's not too pretentious is it? I was really trying to avoid pretentious. Also, I don't really like the title, but I couldn't think of anything better, so if anyone has any suggestions...

*LIKES*

First ever poet? Really? Make sure you get better, you'll be having twenty-eight likes by your twelfth poem.

I'm not entirely sure what to make of this poem. I know there's something really good there but I'm horrible at explaining my thoughts. Nevertheless, here goes...

My general impression of this poem was that it was a bit talky. I dunno, even if you you used a bit of description I still wasn't feeling a yearning to be a poet. It was like your sitting in the park with a friend, "Hey, you know what. I think it would be pretty cool to be a seismologist," you know? This poem could benefit from being a bit more active.

Maybe you could change the first line to something more longing-like. "Poets, the tip tap of keys... I wish I were a poet that layers of..."

I liked the last two stanzas, the second stanza should aim to be more like it What I mean is that that was just an assortment of comparisons. Generally, comparing several things is a bad idea because they interfere with each other. If you compare something with a rose, rather go on and describe the dew drops and the sunlight and the lines and curves that would make any artist melt, rather than move on to describe laughter and sunshine and butterflies and candy. It helps with the focus.

Yet I too
Can take these words
Trodden by centuries of use
And fashion something new
Rough hewn, clumsy

This is the gold. You got the whole longing to be a poet thing perfectly the same way other people wish they could be pirates or politicians, villains or heroes! I don't get the rough hewn, clumsy thing but then again, I'm bad at interpretation.

The poem got a little bit mixed up there as well, however. I think a swap in order of stanzas would do good because your second stanza seems to build it up and your third is just a reality check and your forth builds it up again! And the fifth is a good conclusion. In other words, once again, scrap the second stanza, remodel it and bring it just before the fourth. It makes the whole ' I wish' thing easier because at first you describe what poets do and then say you can too. Round it off with a statement like 'I Can Be A Poet," just for tops.

Finally, I'm glad I can say that I was the first person on YWS to review your first poem Haha, suckers. See you on the featured list!

TheNewHero,

P.S,
No, it's not to pretentious (Thanks for the new word)
If you can't think of a title then just write exactly what the poem's about. If you don't know then...

Wow, are you sure that's really your first poem ever? Well, bravo! *claps* You have potential

On to the review...

I wish I were a poet
That the tip tap of keys
The scratch of a biro
Somehow yielded something
Transcendental
Emotive
True

I like the first line and the whole stanza's good except I feel like you could've expanded on the last part a little more and maybe added a couple lines.

Like a memory, hovering
Just out of reach
A rosebud, unfurling
A sudden shaft of sunlight
Breaking through

These comparisons are good and I think they follow a pattern from the first stanza. You present a thought and then use three things to describe it. In the first stanza, you just used the three words. In these lines, you use comparisons and similes.

Yet I too
Can take these words
Trodden by centuries of use
And fashion something new
Rough hewn, clumsy

The first line in red should have a comma after "I" and also after "too". I really like this stanza and the way you worded it.

For the title, maybe it should be "I wish I were a poet" because that's your main theme all throughout the poem.
Good job! Keep writing poems!

Wow, I'm impressed, my first poem sounded like...well, I'm not even gonna go there, but this is a really great start and shows a whole lot of potential. The poem in general was all pretty good, but the last stanzas were what really impressed me. I think as you went further you captured more emotion and meaning, really expanded your mind to new ideas and that's what I love in any writing. Especially this stanza--

Yet I too
Can take these words
Trodden by centuries of use
And fashion something new
Rough hewn, clumsy

Really well-worded.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Here to review as requested!

The scratch of a biro

Excuse me, but what is a biro? I don't know if this is a misspelling or I am simply too dim to understand, but it's best not to use language that will confuse your reader -- however dimwitted I am.

Just out of reach

This feels a bit choppy when put with the other sentences. To improve the flow, I'd suggest changing it to "Just beyond my reach," or something like that.

Okay, so I really like this. It has a nice flow and structure, though it's not an obvious one. The words are expertly chosen, and if you hadn't said that this was your first poem I would have thought you were writing poetry for a long time. It's far better than anything I've ever written.

I can't really think of anything else wrong with it. I feel kind of useless, like you should get your free review back, but I don't know enough about Scrubs to review your fanfic, and the only other one is your contest entry.

So, sorry if this isn't that helpful. I do really like this and it is really good.

loveness, ultraviolet <3