How I Became King

This poem reminds me of something I'd see in a children's poetry book. The story here bounces around and the rhymes are simple yet tell a loose story. It's a good poem, really, and it's very imaginative.

I once went on a trip to Mexico
I had so much fun
But two weeks later I wasn't ready to leave

The first stanza doesn't rhyme like the rest of the poem, so it throws the pattern off since it is the opening stanza of the poem.

They held me high up in the sky, and refused to let me leave
And that my friend, is why I came home so late

The ending is good, and the last line really is like the closing of a poem in a children's book, so I like it, it's cute.
Good work!

Heya. I liked this but it felt very light and lacked a... what's the right word? Genre? In other words I couldn't tell what age group this was targeted at. It didn't rhyme too often which I felt was a bit of a let down. This could have been a pirate's song or poem (Kiddie pirates)

But halfway through the trip's end

This line didn't make much sense to me and it seemed like you really didn't take time to consider your words. It doesn't add rhythm or rhyme. Why didn't you just say halfway through the trip?

The rhyming was too loose for me. You only started rhyming in the latter half of the poem and your rhymes were usually just half rhymes.

And landed on a small island with no sign of life

This line leads us one way and the next two take us in an opposite direction which makes it seem like you only wrote this for the rhyme. By saying that you landed with no sign of life we assume that you've searched the island and then following that there's life. If there's life then there's a sign of life. I say scrap this line.

You say that a stranger offered you a ride on his boat. Not to sound pessimistic but that doesn't make much sense. Yes, you can get offered rides to hitch-hike on the seas but what happened to the stranger when you got lost.

Okay, so while this was a Narrative Poem I felt the story-part of it was lacking. Get more rhythm and decide on steady rhyme or no rhyme at all. You have a very light tone and a whimsical idea that wasn't portrayed very whimsically.

Well, those were my thoughts on the poem. Re-write this after listening to a few nursery rhymes .

TheNewHero,

First! The format is a bit iffy. I used to center my poems too until I figured out that most publishing companies would rather them be a straight line down on the left. (May want to fix that)

Also, this had potential for a lot of things. But mostly I thought it would fit in more of a story book setting. But With the story book setting, there would need to be more rhyming. Which is one thing that sort of varied a lot.

I think if this were to rhyme regularly, it would be really cute =]. But since it Doesn't rhyme regularly, it sort of throws off the message and is a bit more difficult to understand.

Overall, this is a light, imaginatively poem that has a lot of potential. With a few tweaks here and there it should be good to go =]]

Kudos to you.

So this is your excuse when you arrive late, huh.

How about writing some more?

When I first read your poem, I thought of it as "Another out of this world-then back- story" but I think it was actually a good read, you can write more of this, ya know, poems related to excuses and crazy experiences, I think it would be interesting.

With hopes,
Al

P.S. Kudos to ya because I usually make humorous reviews and your eccentrically good poem made me so serious,

Well Done, I Think this is a very light but very imaginative poem as i believe the concept is loose but very easy to follow

"But they wouldn't listen to my pleas
And that my friend, is why I came home so late"

I just wanted to point this out because it was the perfect ending for a poem like this
So once again well done and don't stop.

I liked this poem, especially since it rhymed nicely, but there is only one thing i did not really like. I think it was a typo or something like that:

I tried I tell them

"I tried I tell them?" Really? Isn't it supposed to be I tried to tell them? Yes, that would be better.


KEEP WRITING!!!!!