Before I Forget

I need you to know,
when the sun's eye brazens the treetops
at the right angle,
or when the too-white moon gapes in mourning
at all beneath her that decays,
Everything--your pity, my dreams--
rushes back from the depths of me
into the air.

Hello,

Let me just get something out of my system. . . awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

This is an incredibly sweet poem, I liked it a lot.

the too-white moon

This is an excellent use of imagery so well done, but it feels really awkward, so I would change it personally.

The last two lines are perfect and sums the piece up perfectly.

Well done.

PM me for anything.

~Retro Disco666

hello!

I liked the images of this poem, that definitely showed us where you're coming from, even if they are quite surreal and taking contrasts to the extreme - I like it. It avoids any terminal cliches too. The subject of the poem seemed strong, but not strong enough. Sure, you're putting across these surreal and dreamy images to make the feeling seem like a rarity and the thing/person you're aiming it at feel unique and fabulous, but the emotion isn't there. There's just the rare feeling put across. You need to firm it in, add in lines that contrast each other - say mentioning bad things but how you fall for things like that. I mean you can keep it all in the idea of implicit and metaphor use in language, but I feel it just needs a bit more umphh. You know? I'm sorry it's quite vague, but it's only a suggestion.

at and all beneath it that decays,

I think that simply makes it sound better.

Anyway, it was a good poem so keep writing!
Ben

Aw that's a sweet poem! I like how you did the line breaks, and your descriptions are really good, too.

I need you to know,
when the sun's eye brazens the treetops
at the right angle,
or when the too-white moon gapes
at all beneath it that decays,
Everything--your light, my dreams--
rushes back from the depths of me
into the air.

I think the beginning goes well with the title. Maybe you could just expand a little on the imagery here so the ending flows more smoothly. That's just what I think, though.
Great work!

Beautiful imagery and a very sweet piece altogether.. I love the emotion in this.. I always love sweet poems like that addressed to people. Excellent piece. c:

Coral