Strewberries with Cream

Strawberries with cream
melt in my mouth
as memories
come back to me
of a different time.
When a smile was a smile
and a hug was full of love.
When the faces that we wore
were the ones
we were born with,
not the masks
we hide behind today.

Memories of a time
before the cutting,
before the pain,
before the bleeding,
before the shame,
before the crying,
and all the games.

Memories of the moments
before all the lies,
When we would all play
and not a thing was wrong.
When there was not a worry,
not a cloud in the sky.

Strawberries with cream
take me back to a time
that is worth remembering.
A time with fresh baked cookies,
and lemonade on a hot day.
When laughs out numbered tears,
before the boys got so angry,
and the girls got so sad.

Back to a time
with fireworks in July,
eggnog in December,
Easter egg hunts in April,
and turkey in November.

Back to a time
I could look in your eyes.
Back to a time
when I didn’t have to lie.
When I didn’t have to bleed;
didn’t have hide my arms.
When I didn’t have to drop my eyes
and let my head hang low.
A time before everything fell apart.

I wish I could go back
to that time;
with laughs and hugs,
smiles and love.
Back to a time
with strawberries and cream.

so emotional and expertly written, it is BEAUTIFUL. the careless, happy tones of the remembered days contrasts with the depressing reality stanzas perfectly to make it all the more powerfull. such a profound theme isn't often carried across so seamlessly, well done!

I really like poems that have simple titles but hold a far deeper meaning, like this poem. I also like how you took such a simple topic and expanded on it, especially with the memories. I just noticed, the title says "Strewberries". Well, good job with the form and pattern of this poem, it flows nicely. I suggest some end punctuation so it's easier to read.

when the faces that we wore
were the ones
we were born with
not the masks
we hide behind today

This part is sad because it's so true. But I like the way you said that.

Back to a time
with fireworks in July
eggnog in December
Easter egg hunts in April
and turkey in November

This really helps with the "memories" picture you're creating.

I wish I could go back
to that time
with laughs and hugs
smiles and love
back to a time
with strawberries and cream

Great ending, too!
Good work with this, and keep writing!

Hiya, mate!

So, this was very good. The emotions rang true, and I got your meaning. Very nice job. I see you did this freeform, which is okay. However, as the reviewer above me said, punctuation makes it easier to read. If you have time, you might want to consider adding some. I found one typo:

"I could look it your eyes"

'It' should be 'in.'

I think that's about it! Lovely job, I hope you continue writing poetry.

-Dreamy

Thanks to you all that reviewed...

~Rain~

Oh. Hello there, SilentRain!

This is an interesting piece. The metaphors flowed very well with the emotions because I don't think they were worded awkwardly. Perhaps in the first stanza, maybe putting in some punctuations might help the flow. But anyways, I really like the concept and the title is very refreshing. Nothing really bad to say because this is a very good read.

Keep writing,

Yuriiko

Hmmmm this was beyond special! Your description of what you like about what used to be there in our world makes the reader flow along with your imagination. I guess we do live in a plastic world don't we?! Well, I thought this was a special piece, it flowed right to my memories. Good job, keep it up.

I love tis poem! I wish it was still like it was `back then'.

Hai!

This was very good; you handled awkward emotions well without overloading into sappitude. There were a few places, however, where I felt your technique was a little off:

Strawberries with cream
melt in my mouth
as memories
come back to me
of a different time.

This could be just the way I read it, but the fifth line felt a little awkward and tacked on. I was reading the other lines and there was a nice rhythm, da-da-da-da-da-da, and then that line didn't fit. I don't know, it could be nothing, but it's worth thinking about.

Memories of a time
before the cutting,
before the pain,
before the bleeding,
before the shame,
before the crying,
and all the games.

This gets to feeling too list-y. I can see why it would be a list, but it ends up being a monotonous pity-rant of all that's wrong, and the "cutting/pain/bleeding/shame/crying" so close together feels too melodramatic.

When there was not a worry,
not a cloud in the sky.

This image is clichéd, and the rest of your imagery's good, so I'd change this to fit with the rest.

When laughs out numbered tears,
before the boys got so angry,
and the girls got so sad.

I think that "out numbered" is one word? My spell-check says it is, but if you don't want it to be, you could shove a hyphen in there.

"The boys got so angry... girls so sad" is rather an odd image, and I don't quite see why you put it in. It sounds like you put it in to rhyme with something, but there isn't a rhyme... It just seems a bit random, that's all.

Back to a time
I could look in your eyes.
Back to a time
when I didn’t have to lie.

There should be a "when" after the first "time" so it makes sense, like after the second "time".

Back to a time
with strawberries and cream.

Cool final image.

--

So! As I said, this was very good, and it expressed regrets and all without descending into a "woe is moi!" shpiel. Just in the places that I pointed out, I felt you slipped up, but otherwise it was good! PM me if you have any questions!

It was absolutly perfect!
It stuck a nurve in me and for that reason I am not ashamed to say that I cried.
I cried like an emotionally disturbed child.
So instead of giving you the awesome review you diserve, I will give you a craptastic 'I just recoverd from crying' review.
This poem was probably the best peom I ever seen and is definatly my favorite.
I totally understand how you miss the love and kindness.
And how meanness and lies have overpowered laughs.
Thank you so much for your amazing talent! ;D

This was a very beautifully written poem. Normally I'm not one for the dramatic poetry, because I like poems with a ryming scheme. With that said, I don't think I can bash your poem too much because I'm far from an expert in this kind of writing.

SilentRain wrote:
Memories of a time
before the cutting,
before the pain,
before the bleeding,
before the shame,
before the crying,
and all the games.

This part is absolutely my favorite part. I LOVE it. Although, it does have a rhyming pattern in it, but the rest of your poem doesn't. In my opinion, that drops the quality of such a great piece as this, because this pattern doesn't continue.

Also, I'm sure other people mentioned it as well, but your title is mispelled. "Strewberries" rather than "Strawberries".

Other than that, Great job all together!
Keep writing!

xoxo,
Kiicoh.

I found this magnificently written and I LOVED the way 'Back to a time with strawberries and cream.' tied it all back together!

Heya

I really loved this, brilliantly written, and like the previous comments, excellent contrasts. I love the emotion, and the brutal honesty of this poem. I connected with it quite a lot, and you drew tears from my eyes!
Keep writing, for I'll continue reading your work!

MissMadHatter

I thought that this poem had depth to it's emotion that not many people will get, but that is the beauty of poems it speaks the minds of people. A way of expressing how they feel inside and to let the world know.
The grammar was perfect and I have no bad points. keep writing

Since you've already had several reviews, especially TL G-Wooster's, that have covered most of what I wanted to say, I have only three words left:

Typo. In. Title.

*twitch*

One of your reviewers already mentioned it earlier, but it seems you missed it when you went back to edit. Fix it, please. It irks my inner spelling Nazi to no end.

That is all.