The Singer- Chapter 6

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Chapter Six: The Lorisol Tunnels

I felt myself hit the hard cobblestone ground as the night-spirits stopped pulling and heaving me to who knows where. They turned, abandoning their captive.
“You have done well. I asked you to bring the girl and the knight to me, and you have succeeded,” The voice said. I scrambled up to see who was speaking, but a great force slammed me back to the ground. “I have already visited the night-spirits who captured the knight. He is unconscious as expected.” My captors cheered viciously. “But you have not managed to do the same to this girl. She is a strong one, and some of you may sense that she is the Singer. That is why you have failed to make her unconscious.” The voice trembled in rage and my captors were flung back. Now I could see the owner of the cruel voice.
It was another night-spirit, but taller than the rest and wispier. This was the shadow that had tracked Loren and me in the plains. I could sense the colossal power he had and I cowered in unconditional fright. His face didn’t really have an appearance, but was more a round, dark shadow, as feathery as the rest of his body. He had an evil aura, and it was none too obvious that he was evil.
I managed to strangle out a sentence to the leader night-spirit, “What—do—you—want?” I gasped between each word, restraining again the force that kept me to the ground. The night-spirit cackled, and let his shadowed face—or whatever you’d call it—open up into a false smile, but happened to look more like a sneer.
“You know exactly what I want. I want you and your little knight friend.” The sneer floated off his shadow-head, but left a small trace of itself still behind.
“But why? We have nothing precious to give,” I tried to sound innocent and convincing, to sound like these night-spirits had caught the wrong people.
“You do. You are the Singer, and you know it. I can sense it!”
“I am not the Singer. What makes you think a silly fairytale exists?”
“You are the Singer!” The great night-spirit leader roared, raising his arms to accentuate his anger. But even behind his terrifying fury, I could tell he faltered. I was managing to convince him, easily and surprisingly.
“I am not the Singer! I have only heard of one person, someone who is the Singer!”
“And who is that?”
“She lives in the kingdom of Iffrar, as a servant.” I couldn’t believe I was doing this, but I had too. Finally, she would get out of King Malville’s ruinous kingdom, but not in a way she hoped.
“What is her name?”
*
I sat comfortably in a cushioned chair, located somewhere in the Lorisol tunnels. Loren, King Ackador and Perstish listened intently as I told them of my encounter with the leader of the night-spirits.
“So you sent them to Iffrar?” King Ackador asked.
“Yes, I did.”
“And whose name did you give them?” This time it was Loren who asked.
“I...”
“Not Maria’s?” Loren knew all about Maria from one of our conversations when we rode to Lorisol.
“No. I gave him the name of my awful Sewing Mistress, Beatrice,” There were sighs from all three of the men in front of me. “I would never betray Maria in such a way!”
“A terrible story. Now we know that Narrm is after us. The First War will come to be soon, and we have yet to confirm Seraphina as the Singer and find the Seer and the Resurrecter,” King Ackador said, his face lined with worry.
“Who is Naarm?” I asked. I knew he wasn’t good, but I wanted to know who he was.
“Naarm is the sorcerer of evil. He can command all evil beings. In every person there is a bit of Naarm, but every evil being under his command has more than usual. We, the good people, have Lani in us, and we are happy to be at her feet. How did this happen? Once, at the beginning of time, Naarm and Lani were good friends. Then, they had a huge disagreement, and they parted ways. Naarm dwelled in hurting Lani so badly, that eventually his heart disintegrated into nothing but a black dust. Lani took Naarm’s attacks calmly, and all good in the end came to her. Above all gods and goddesses, Lani is the kindest and Naarm, the most evil. If ever you encountered one of them, you should hope it to be Lani, even if you are under Naarm’s rule.” And then King Ackador stood up from his chair and walked hurriedly away. The rest of us were left staring after him in confusion. I looked to Loren, my question in my eyes.
“He is affected in a way nobody knows when he speaks of Naarm and Lani. It is not understandable,” Loren answered. He got up and left then.
“What about you?” I turned to Perstish. He looked up, oblivious to what I had asked.
“What?”
“Are you going to leave, too?” I folded my arms across my chest. Perstish smiled weakly and then left himself. I was alone, in this dark, perplexing tunnel.
*
Hours had gone by, and I hadn’t yet stirred from my seat in the tunnel. I knew why Loren or the king or Perstish hadn’t come to bring me to the main gathering area. I wanted to be alone and they knew that. The first couple of hours alone, I had really thought hard about all that had passed so quickly, but after my mind was blank, freed from all thought. Now I sat with no reason, alone. Eventually, I decided I could be sitting here for eternity and nobody would come, so I stood from my chair and walked blindly down the dark tunnels.
*
I found my friends—it seemed nice to classify them as that—in a little area, the dirt floor furnished with a rich crimson carpet that was flattened to the ground by a couple of armchairs, similar to the one I had sat in alone. Loren, Perstish and the King looked up from a conversation.
“Hello again,” Loren smiled. He waved to a seat beside him.
“Thank you,” I sat. “Where is the rest of the Lorisol population?” I made my face appear quizzical, drawing the three men effortlessly into the beginning of a conversation.
“Let me tell you something that may help your curiousness,” King Ackador said. “These tunnels were fabricated in the early years of the Lorisol kingdom. They are many and so it gives freedom to my people. You may not see them, but they are here.”
“Have we passed any?” I asked.
“Indeed we have. The tunnels are dark and big in width, so a Lorisol is easy to miss,” the King took a battered goblet from the arm of his seat and sipped. “But sometimes the Lorisol folk gather to mingle with friends and family. These meetings are open to any Lorisol, and to show there is a party taking place, the Lorisols hang torches on the walls to follow.”
“And this has been going on for hundreds of years?”
“Ever since these tunnels were dug.”
I found the tunnels interesting, and now even more so. I did find it frightening, however, that I could have passed a bunch of people without knowing. Who knew who they were? The candle that stood on the ground between us all lit up my face, and Loren saw my expression of slight fear and shock.
“Do not worry, Seraphina. These folk in Lorisol are all good, except maybe a few. They know as much about the people they pass as you do,” Loren comforted me. He lifted his hand and rubbed it in a reassuring way against my arm. I looked at him, puzzled, and he retreated, seeing what he had done.
“Where are we to sleep?” I changed the direction of where the former conversation was going.
“There are hollows cut into the walls of the tunnels, distributed randomly. Each one is equipped with a small folding mattress, a pillow and a thick blanket,” King Ackador informed us. “To find one, I suggest walking along the walls, touching them, to find a hollow. Some tunnels are long and go without any at all, while sometimes the tunnel walls are simply just hollowed out for beds. I will come with you to find my own.” Then, the Lorisol King stood, and, in respect, Loren, Perstish and I followed suit.
We started on the walls of the tunnel we were currently in. Perstish and the King were on the left wall, and Loren and I on the right. Limply dragging our hands against the wall, we were bound to eventually find a bed, unless we were unlucky enough to be in a tunnel without beds.
Finally, I heard an exclamation come from Perstish, who was in the front. He had found two beds. Then there was the discussion of which two people should have them.
“The king should definitely take one as he is our Majesty,” Perstish stated.
“No, I think the young girl should. Anyway, have you forgotten my height? I am a giant after all and a human bed will not suit,” King Ackador said. I could not see through the darkness, but I’m sure the king waved his hand from where he thought I was to the beds for I heard and felt a moving of the air.
“Yes, I think that is a good plan. But where ever will you sleep, Ackador, if all these beds are human-sized?” Loren asked. It was an obvious question.
“You have not read much Lorisol history. Lorisol folk are known for having giant blood within them. Every so often there are sleeping areas for giants such as me. We may just have to find one,” the King explained, his voice threatening annoyance.
“Now that we have settled that Seraphina will sleep here tonight, who will sleep in the second bed? Obviously not the king, as he is too big,” Loren now said.
“I think you should Loren. I know Seraphina, but not as well. You are also her saviour, or captor, depending on how you want to view it,” Perstish explained his reasoning. “And if anything happens during the night—such as another night-spirit attack—she can escape with you.” King Ackador nodded in agreement, and Loren understood as well.
“Well, as we have settled who shall sleep here, Perstish and I must be getting on. Beds for my size are rare to find and in the tunnels my people don’t care much to leave the bigger beds for bigger people,” King Ackador’s ton indicated that these his departing words.
“Wait!” Loren cried before the footsteps of the King and Perstish faded out altogether. “Where shall we meet tomorrow morning?” The footsteps stopped.
“We will come to you,” grumbled King Ackador’s low voice. Then the footsteps started up again and this time they faded off. Now I turned to where Loren was—or at least where I thought he was.
“What now? I’m barely tired as it is day outside, but we shouldn’t leave our beds, for we’d probably get lost,” I demanded. I was slowly losing my patience, due to the fact that I couldn’t see in the dark very well.
“That’s logical,” Loren said. I imagined him nodding his head in agreement.
“And what are we to eat?” I asked. Then I realised we still had our packs with us.
“The food in our packs,” Loren repeated my after-thought.
“I should have thought!” I cried jokily, my hands in the air and a smile upon my face. Loren read my expression. He laughed along.
We blindly felt around in our packs for food and eventually Loren came out with a collection of dried fruit and I with some hard bread—or so we thought. We ate —unspeaking—on our beds and listened to the sounds of the echoing tunnels around us.
When we had finished our meagre supper, we stashed the wrappings into our packs once again and readied our beds for sleeping. I unfolded my hay-stuffed mattress—which fitted quite nicely into the hollow—and put the pillow where my head was to be and lay the blanket neatly on the mattress. As I lay down on my bed of sorts, I heard a groan from Loren.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Someone took out the fluffing in my pillow.”
this tender selfmetamorpoiesisi have returned with the swell

What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl




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Another interesting chapter--I found the description of the underground tunnel network pretty cool. I have one major criticism to make though, and that is her enounter with the night-spirits:

“You know exactly what I want. I want you and your little knight friend.” The sneer floated off his shadow-head, but left a small trace of itself still behind.
“But why? We have nothing precious to give,” I tried to sound innocent and convincing, to sound like these night-spirits had caught the wrong people.
“You do. You are the Singer, and you know it. I can sense it!”
“I am not the Singer. What makes you think a silly fairytale exists?”
“You are the Singer!” The great night-spirit leader roared, raising his arms to accentuate his anger. But even behind his terrifying fury, I could tell he faltered. I was managing to convince him, easily and surprisingly.
“I am not the Singer! I have only heard of one person, someone who is the Singer!”
“And who is that?”
“She lives in the kingdom of Iffrar, as a servant.” I couldn’t believe I was doing this, but I had too. Finally, she would get out of King Malville’s ruinous kingdom, but not in a way she hoped.
“What is her name?”


You made it far too easy for her to escape these creatures. By doing this, you diminished the scary aspect of the night-spirits. I also feel the lead night-spirit is too human.

You can add a lot more drama and suspense to this scene. You can make it far more difficult for her to convince them, first of all. You could also include some fighting where she tries to keep them off, but eventually they subdue her. And Loren? Subdued far too easily. It could make things very interesting if he regained consciousness.

I sat comfortably in a cushioned chair, located somewhere in the Lorisol tunnels. Loren, King Ackador and Perstish listened intently as I told them of my encounter with the leader of the night-spirits.


Whoa. We go straight to here, with no explanation about how she got there at all. What happened after the night-spirits left? How did she convince them to give back Loren? (You could have her bargain the name for his return.) How did she get him to the tunnels, find King Ackador and Perstish? Did Loren regain consciousness? If so, when?

If you're going to transition so fast like that between scenes, you need to tell us the story, not leave us wondering. You could have her tell the rest through dialogue right after the sentence above. Just a thought.

I didn't like this chapter quite as much as the one before, but you still retained a beautiful flow in your writing and managed to hold my interest to the end, which was humorously done. I really have to applaud you on that ending, actually. It made me laugh.

So just think about slowing down the action and giving us the full story. PM me if you have any questions about this review or the other.




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Hello.

First thing is first: your transition between chapters. I read the end of chapter five, then the beginning of chapter six, and I'm wondering what caused her to be put to the ground. It's generally a good idea to fill in the blank of what happened between the end of the previous chapter and the beginning of the first one if there is any break that happens. With a mid-scene chapter break such as this, I expect a direct continuation of the action and a very easy to see continuation. I'd suggest reworking the beginning paragraph to make it clear why she's hitting the ground. I'd also make it a bit clearer who "their captive" is. That's not something you'd hear a first-person narrator say, as people usually don't think of themselves as "somebody else's captive." It made it sound like there was another character they were leaving behind, when she was the only one.

I'll also raise the question why they're turning their back on her if she's so important, whether or not somebody else is watching her. If she is awake, and technically has the capacity to crawl away, then she should be kept under watch at all times to make sure they don't lose somebody important.

Second, your dialogue. You seem to be using your dialogue to just dump all the information onto the reader. Although it's recommended to make information available through dialogue, if you don't make it sound natural then info-dumping in dialogue can be considered worse than a straight info-dump. Not only are you giving an info dump, but you are also making the dialogue sound very, very unnatural.

Because the way to fix info-dumps in dialogue relates to this next point, I will stay it first: A character should always have a reason to give out this information. If it's just "tell the audience this information" then it's not enough. Your character should have a logical, supportable, and visible (as in, the readers can see why) reason for giving out this information. And it should be in-story, not just because the author wants it to happen that way. Right now, I'm wondering why in the world your villain is giving all this information to lackeys, and your MC because he knows she's conscious.

Think about it. Villains usually need some sort of secrecy, correct? If their main advantage is the character not knowing who they are, why would they tell her who she is? Even if she knows who she is, why would the villain tell her as confirmation? Unless he's actively trying to mess with her head, which, in my opinion, he is not doing (mostly because villains usually address the person directly and will try to make the character they are trying to dupe have reason to believe them, instead of just intimidating them constantly), then I do not see why he is ruining the apparent main conflict in the story (if your synopsis is anything to go by).

Characters who begin saying information in dialogue should have a reason to say this information. If it is simply to make sure the plot happens the way it is supposed to, then I'd suggest adding in a lot more in-story motives. And if the situation just doesn't sound right for having a villain who's supposed to be smart saying everything (if they're not smart, readers will probably start to question why he got to his high rank or why he wasn't overthrown a long time ago), then rework your plot to have the situation make more sense. What makes sense for the situation overrules what has to happen for the plot to move forward. Yes, it can require a lot of plot reworking, but readers will thank you for it.

And your descriptions. I have a high dislike of descriptions that show a character as pure evil. Characters who are described as obviously evil make me wonder why they haven't been wiped out years ago. If nobody else can see their evilness, or they are just so powerful nobody can touch them, you've automatically set up your character as a very powerful Mary Sue no matter how many flaws you give her or how well-rounded a character she is otherwise. The fact she is the first person, ever, to be powerful enough to stop a pure-evil race sets her up as too special to be anything other than a Mary Sue.

Take descriptions like "cheered viciously," "sensed evil," "cruel voice," and, the worst offender, "none too obvious he was evil" (where you explicitly say that he is pure evil). These take out all suspense, all wonder as to who the villain is. Descriptions like that also sabotage any character development. You don't get to know the villain just as you get to know the hero; the hero is a shining pillar of goodness, while the villain has black skin, and is black all the way down to the heart, so therefore must be killed by the hero. The plot becomes single-dimentional because it's just good versus evil.

This kind of character development rarely, if ever, works. Even when I've seen a villain with some sort of black heart, they had something that wasn't evil. Their backstory, some of their actions, some of their characteristics, have a redeeming quality or aren't painted as pure evil. Considering the whole point of this race just seems to be evil, I doubt you've made room for this character development. I'd suggest looking it over.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



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