Chapter One

I need to know if this is a good start for a novel.

Chapter One

The fire had completely burnt out during the night.

I woke on my cot, freezing cold. I swung my legs over the side of my cot and felt the hard dirt floor. My toes became numb with cold as I glanced around the small room. My mother and father slept on cots along the other side of the room, and my sister slept next to me. My older brother slept near the back of the room. In the center sat the fire pit and five mats for sitting on.

I stood, the room dim without firelight. I walked to the door, and lifted it aside. Cold air hit me hard in the face. I breathed the iciness in, letting it sharpen my mind. The village outside was silent and still. The narrow dirt road between the two rows of houses was cracked and dry. A light breeze danced within my hair, freezing my neck. I sat down on the stairs leading to the ground and looked up into the night sky. Tiny silver stars filled the everlasting space, and wispy clouds traveled fast before the moon. The mountains to the east were tall and elegant, the moonlight shining between them.

A smile spread on my lips. “So beautiful,” I whispered to myself.

I crossed my arms in an attempt to warm myself. The winter is coming, I dread it. Its so cold and barren then. My long white nightgown lent me no comfort in the late fall breeze. I glanced down the street and caught sight of the scarlet fountain that stood at the center of the village. The fountain was where the four main dirt roads of the village led to. I stood once more and walked to its side. The crystalline water flowed from the top, and slowly dripped down to the pool around the base.

My people call it the scarlet fountain because of the reddish stone it is made from. All the stone for miles around is red, except the mountain stone.

Sitting on the edge of the fountain, I let my hand slowly twirl in the water. It was cold as the night was, but a different kind of cold. The air is a piercing cold, the water is a soothing cold, more like bathwater. I glanced around and saw the entrances to the four streets of the village. I live with my family in this village of Arman. Arman lies in the center of Norogia. It is a young village, with only two hundred occupants, possibly a little more.

I pushed a strand of my black hair back behind my ear. Staring into the water, I saw a reflection of myself. My long black hair was smooth and silky, my ice-blue eyes were narrow and almond shaped. I have seen so many things in my life so far, that only those who wise, and close to death should see them. I have visions of death and pain. I see things...

I shuddered as I walked back to the two room house I lived in. Silently opening the door, I tiptoed to the fire and relighted it. The glowing embers entranced me. They were like thin hands, graceful, yet deadly.

As I climbed back into bed, I fell asleep instantly.

Hey Emmylou! I thought I'd stop by and give you a review. I hope this helps!

The fire had completely burnt out during the night.

- This sentence would've been alright if you went on to mention exactly what you mean. When I first read it I thought your character's house was on fire or something, now it sounds like you're talking about the fire in the fireplace. In any case I think you should either elaborate or come up with a more engaging opening line.

I woke on my cot, freezing cold. I swung my legs over the side of my cot and felt the hard dirt floor. My toes became numb with cold as I glanced around the small room. My mother and father slept on cots along the other side of the room, and my sister slept next to me. My older brother slept near the back of the room. In the center sat the fire pit and five mats for sitting on.

- You repeated the word 'cot' quite a lot in the first few sentences. Also I think you need to come up with another way of describing your character's surroundings. Right now it's reading more like a list and because of that it seems to be interrupting the actual story.

I stood, the room dim without firelight. I walked to the door, and lifted it aside. Cold air hit me hard in the face.

- These sentences seem way too short and fragmented.

I breathed the iciness in, letting it sharpen my mind. The village outside was silent and still. The narrow dirt road between the two rows of houses was cracked and dry. A light breeze danced within my hair, freezing my neck. I sat down on the stairs leading to the ground [you mean the steps of the porch] and looked up into the night sky. Tiny silver stars filled the everlasting space, and wispy clouds traveled fast before the moon. The mountains to the east were tall and elegant, the moonlight shining between them.

A smile spread on my lips. “So beautiful,” I whispered to myself.

I crossed my arms in an attempt to warm myself. The winter is coming, I dread it. Its so cold and barren then. My long white nightgown lent me no comfort in the late fall breeze. I glanced [you seem to be confusing your tenses]down the street and caught sight of the scarlet fountain that stood at the center of the village. The fountain was where the four main dirt roads of the village led to. I stood once more and walked to its side. The crystalline water flowed from the top, and slowly dripped down to the pool around the base.

I have seen so many things in my life so far, that only those who wise, and close to death should see them [this sentence needs working on]. I have visions of death and pain. I see things...

- So this is a very random way of telling the reader this. Most of your paragraphs before were just describing the surroundings and seemed a little irrelevant. I think it would be more effective if your character (because of her abilities) should wake up from one of those 'death' dreams that she has. That would make for a much more grabbing opening to the story and would then make all the descriptions useful because it would be like your character was trying to soothe herself from her fearful dreams by being near nature.

I think if you do this you will definitely have a great story on your hands. Having a character with an ability like that makes for an interesting tale and I hope you will continue with this.

Sorry if I came across as too harsh. I do really want to help

Good luck with this!

*coco

Hi, Emmy! Pink here, dropping by for a short review

I woke on my cot, freezing cold. I swung my legs over the side of my cot and felt the hard dirt floor. My toes became numb with cold as I glanced around the small room. My mother and father slept on cots along the other side of the room, and my sister slept next to me. My older brother slept near the back of the room. In the center sat the fire pit and five mats for sitting on.

>There's quite the repetition of 'cot' going on here. I would change that.
>This also isn't a quite appetizing way to open a novel. I suggest making the beginning more 'grabby'. (not even a word)
But you know what I mean.

I stood, the room dim without firelight. I walked to the door, and lifted it aside. Cold air hit me hard in the face. I breathed the iciness in, letting it sharpen my mind. The village outside was silent and still. The narrow dirt road between the two rows of houses was cracked and dry. A light breeze danced within my hair, freezing my neck. I sat down on the stairs leading to the ground and looked up into the night sky. Tiny silver stars filled the everlasting space, and wispy clouds traveled fast before the moon. The mountains to the east were tall and elegant, the moonlight shining between them.

> Love your descriptions! Very elegant and sharp.
>I realized you sparingly use 'and' (or like words) to connect your sentences. Take example the first one. Instead of,
"I stood, the room dim without firelight."
Why not,
"I stood in the dim room without firelight."
Just a suggestion. Writing is all yours :3



Overall you have quite an interesting story. I like the idea of seeing 'things' it makes the story more mysterious.
Although your punctuation was correct, I did notice your lost your tenses here and there. I suggest you go over and review that part. I think you did more show than tell in this chapter and it might make it a turn off for some people. You need to balance it somewhat. Anyways, you have quite an interesting idea and I wish you luck on the rest of your chapters!
Cheers,

~Pink

Hey emmylou, let me take a crack at your story. Be warned that I can get very nitpicky and in-depth, it's just the way I roll so don't be intimidated, okay?

I woke on my cot, freezing cold. I swung my legs over the side of my cot and felt the hard dirt floor. My toes became numb with cold as I glanced around the small room. My mother and father slept on cots along the other side of the room, and my sister slept next to me. My older brother slept near the back of the room. In the center sat the fire pit and five mats for sitting on.

The prose here is quite clean, clear, and not overly descriptive, but I'm having a problem with this paragraph...namely, every sentence starts with either "I" or "My," and the sentences are all of similar lengths. Vary up your sentences a bit! Start them off with different words, change up the simple "subject verb object" structure, use both short and long sentences. As it is, this first paragraph is a bit of a dull read. It does the job, but there's no life or spark to it.

I also wonder how relevant these detailed floor plans are to the story. It isn't the best way to grab the reader's attention, especially after that strong first sentence.

[quuote]I stood, the room dim without firelight.[/quote]

? I am not quite seeing how these two clauses connect. The main character stands, and the room is dim because there's no firelight. That's fine, but the way the sentence is written makes it seem as if the two are connected somehow. Your best bet is to separate them and devote a few more words to describing the room's dimness.

I walked to the door, and lifted it aside.

People don't usually lift doors, do they? They tend to push them open. If this door is one that has to be lifted, you should mention that beforehand because it's an unusual detail.

outside was silent and still. The narrow dirt road between the two rows of houses was cracked and dry. A light breeze danced within my hair, freezing my neck. I sat down on the stairs leading to the ground and looked up into the night sky. Tiny silver stars filled the everlasting space, and wispy clouds traveled fast before the moon. The mountains to the east were tall and elegant, the moonlight shining between them.

These descriptions suffer too, for the same reason that the first paragraph does. This could all be some very powerful, vivid imagery, but it falls flat because every sentence is structured the exact same way.

There are parts that are especially clunky, or veer close to purple prose as well. "The everlasting space," for instance, and the entire "the moonlight shining between them." The "moonlight shining" part is especially noticeable because it's not grammatically correct. It'd sound better as "with" instead of "the," but even then there's something a bit awkward about that construction, like the second clause has been artificially tacked on to the first.

You do do this a lot, I notice. It's as if you start off a sentence, but then think it's too short, so you tack on an unnecessary second clause. I tend to do that too--but let yourself right short sentences! Really, there's nothing wrong with it. Interspersing long sentences with short, punchy ones is a great way to get some variety in sentence structures, and it'll make your paragraphs sound more natural too, to boot.

“So beautiful,” I whispered to myself.

We already know she's alone, we know there's no one she should be talking to, so the "to myself" part is unnecessary. Especially since you have "myself" in the next sentence; the repetition is awkward and jarring.

The winter is coming, I dread it. Its so cold and barren then.

The rest of this story has been in past tense so far, so change these from present to past. Unless they're meant to be thoughts, which in that case italicize then.

The "It's so cold and barren" then makes me want to reply with, "Yeah, and the sky is blue!" I mean...it's completely stating the obvious. Surely the main character has a more concrete reason for hating winter. She doesn't like snow, the wind chaps her skin, stuff like that. "Cold and barren" is vague and kind of self-explanatory. The way the sentence is written also comes across as very childlike; for some reason every time I read it I hear it in a child's whine. Seems like a teenager would be able to state in more eloquent terms why she doesn't like winter.

My long white nightgown lent me no comfort in the late fall breeze. I glanced down the street and caught sight of the scarlet fountain that stood at the center of the village. The fountain was where the four main dirt roads of the village led to. I stood once more and walked to its side. The crystalline water flowed from the top, and slowly dripped down to the pool around the base.

As I read this paragraph, I noticed something that's been niggling me ever since I started reading this story--you really like your adjectives. "Long white," "late fall," "scarlet fountain," "four main dirt," "crystalline." Lots of adjectives sprinkled throughout and often used one after another. There's nothing wrong with adjectives, but do note that they are never as strong as nouns and verbs, and if you use them too often they start to lose meaning.

The trouble is these adjectives are also very plain, and almost all pertain to sight. In fact, almost all your descriptions so far have appealed to the sense of sight. What about the other four senses? Try to incorporate more than sight in your descriptions. No, don't use a laundry list "I have to include all five senses in every description," but where a non-sight description is appropriate, use it. For instance, I think here you missed a great chance to use sound. One of the first things people notice about fountains is the tinkling/rush of water. It would be nice if we had a description of that; it would make the fountain imagery more vivid, I'd think.

My people call it the scarlet fountain because of the reddish stone it is made from. All the stone for miles around is red, except the mountain stone.

Um, but if all the stone for miles around is scarlet, then what makes the scarlet fountain so special? I'd think that when everything's the same color it doesn't make sense to name things after that color, because you'd assume that color would be the default.

The air is a piercing cold, the water is a soothing cold, more like bathwater.

Another example where you slip into present tense. Also, I think that first comma should be a semicolon.

I pushed a strand of my black hair back behind my ear. Staring into the water, I saw a reflection of myself. My long black hair was smooth and silky, my ice-blue eyes were narrow and almond shaped.

Nooo! Don't do this, please don't!

*calms down*

Okay, well, suffice to say that the "staring at my reflection" scene is a cliche, and an example of lazy writing to boot. So there really is no other way for the narrator to comment on her appearance besides staring, in an obviously contrived scene, into her reflection? Maybe have people comment on her appearance while she's interacting with them, or compare her appearance to her family's while she's interacting with them. All are more natural ways to introduce her appearance than through a reflection scene.

I have seen so many things in my life so far, that only those who wise, and close to death should see them. I have visions of death and pain. I see things...

Ah, now this is telling instead of showing. I have the feeling this is supposed to be an important revelation, but it's tucked into the end of an inconsequential physical description, and we're not given an example of her visions yet, so we only have the narrator's word to vouch that yes, the main character has this skill. It would be more dramatic if you introduced her visions by only mentioning them in a sidelong way, or not mentioning them at all, until she receives one. Or better yet, beginning the story with a vision!

The glowing embers entranced me. They were like thin hands, graceful, yet deadly.

Some muddled figurative language here. These are interesting images, but they don't really connected naturally to one another. Similes and metaphors draw connections between unlike things, but there has to be an obvious connection somewhere. I'm not really feeling it now. How does it logically follow that "thin hands" are "deadly?" My sister has thin hands, but that's because she plays a lot of piano and is an artist. She couldn't beat anybody in a fist fight. How do embers connect to hands? Hands implies something's gripping or touching, but embers just remain glowing where they are. Maybe you're trying to say that the heat from the embers is embracing touching her, but in that case, you need to say it right out. Nor do I see how embers are deadly. Unless you fall into them, I guess, but they are not as overtly deadly as flames themselves.

This might seem like a lot of nitpicking, but the intent behind your images needs to be clear, otherwise you're going to end up with a lot of confusion whereas you could have had a strong, beautiful image.

Overall thoughts:
To be honest, I fail to see how this is a first chapter. It's much too short, and almost nothing happens. The main character goes out to the village and sits on a fountain and stares at her reflection. That's it. There is no hint of conflict, a future plot, or even much characterization. As a hook, it's not very engaging, and as a set-up for a future story, it's devoid of any tension. It reads more like a prologue than a first chapter, but even as a prologue it should be unnecessary--in a proper first chapter you'd be able to introduce all these elements, and include action, conflict, and delve into the main character's psyche.

So far, the only hint of a future plot that we receive so far is that almost-paranthetical mention of the main character's visions. As it is, it's just one detail in a sea of details, but if you ran with that as the central source of the main character's internal conflict, then you could get an engaging hook out of it. Such as starting the story with a vision, for instance. In fact, I think that'd be the perfect start for a story such as this one, in which you'd want to make the main character's abilities clear from the outset.

Sorry if I sounded like I was hating on it. I do think this could make an interesting story if retooled. Your prose aside from the bumps I detailed above is mostly clean and understandable and does a good job of moving the narrative along. Some of your images (I'm thinking of the clouds moving fast over the moon) have a sort of beauty to them. You seem to have a very well-developed world here, too, and I'd be interested to see it fleshed out further. But at this point, everything could stand to be fleshed out further.

PM me if you have any questions, and good luck with your writing.