Spoiled (working title)

(This is the first time I've tried writing in first person since I was around eight years old
What do you tink?)



1
The Miami sun gleamed off the hood of her black Maserati as Victoria Tanner pulled into the student parking lot, parked her car and slipped on her Gucci sunglasses.
She flipped her dyed platinum blonde hair over the shoulder and smiled to herself as she got her bag. It was all Victoria could do to not begin jumping up and down and screaming.
She had killed for this spot. She wasn’t letting it go.
Victoria popped open her trunk and pulled out her signature suitcases, looking around the campus of Cardston Academy. She heard the yells and screeches of her fellow classmates and rolled her eyes behind her sunglasses
“Gotta do this, Vic.” She told herself and she headed towards the Administration building. This was her last year of high school. She knew she wouldn’t be spending it locked up.
She pushed open the door and was instantly greeted by cool air. Thank god, she thought, Miami is way too hot. The old lady look up from the desk.
“Serena Taylor?” the woman asked, staring at Victoria. After a moment, Victoria smiled and nodded, just like her ex-best friend Taryn Kingston would have done.
Then again, Victoria hears Taryn scream, hear her all Victoria for help. Victoria shook her head slightly, pushing all thoughts of her ex-best friend from her mind. She stepped up to the desk and received her key.
“Rule book, student map, student cash card, and card for your car.” The woman listed off as she handed everything to Victoria.
“Thank you.” Victoria said politely and grabbed her suitcases. She exited the office and began to head to her dorm, passing through the circle of buildings.
She made her way past the throngs of Louis Vuitton toting girls, eyed the boys playing football in the quad.
Victoria pushed the door to Cooper dorm open and climbed the stairs, passing photographs of old students. She didn’t care less about them. It was her turn to make ‘Serena Taylor’ a real person.
She pushed open the door to room twenty-four and was instantly greeted with Katy Perry’s ‘teenage dream.’ Victoria grimaced. Her roommate was dancing around the room, singing along, quite well.
“Excuse me?” Victoria called over the music, “can you turn that down? I want to keep my sanity.” The girl turned around and pushed her dark red hair back from her dark green eyes.
“I’m Emily Roberts, senior.” She said, sticking out a hand. Victoria pushed past her and sat on the bare bed.
“Serena Taylor.” Victoria said blithely as she opened a suitcase. Emily looked exactly like the old Victoria Tanner.
“Nice to meet you.” Emily said. Victoria rolled her eyes and removed her sunglasses, revealing bright, blue, color contacted eyes.
“Yeah, and what makes it so nice?” she asked. Emily sat down on her bed. Victoria bit her tongue. She had concentrate on graduating. She would not mess this up.

First of all, this is in third person, not first.

KitxKat wrote:hear her all Victoria for help

this line didn't make sense... maybe you were trying to say "hear her call to Victoria for help."

KitxKat wrote:She didn’t care less about them.

Maybe try saying, "She couldn't care less about them."

KitxKat wrote:“Excuse me?” Victoria called over the music, “can you turn that down? I want to keep my sanity.” The girl turned around and pushed her dark red hair back from her dark green eyes.

Here, don't repeat turn twice, it doesn't sound right, at least in my opinion.

KitxKat wrote:Emily looked exactly like the old Victoria Tanner.

This line confused me a little, but I suppose it's probably because this is the first chapter.
Can't wait to read more!
-Tori

This is a good start to what looks like a pretty good story. I do agree with what Tori pointed out, though. I really like how you characterized Victoria/Serena Taylor. You were able to convey her personality by slipping in brand names and similar adjectives. I kind of got the feeling that she's playing someone else. It seems like she's pretending to be another person, but it could also be interpreted as she's trying to change her personal image, or how others see her, by adding all of these other things: a "black Maserati", "Gucci sunglasses", and "dyed platinum blond hair".

There are a few things I also want to point out, though.

Then again, Victoria hears Taryn scream, hear her all Victoria for help.

In the context of the story, this sentence keeps throwing me off. As Tori mentioned, I think you meant "call" instead of "all." I think you might also want to leave off the "then again" because that implies a change of thought. Maybe you meant "once again"?

She made her way past the throngs of Louis Vuitton toting girls, eyed the boys playing football in the quad.

This sentence feels a little bit awkward to me. It would read better if you replaced the comma with an "and"

Some of the things about the story confused me, too. Why is Victoria pretending to be someone else? What does her "ex-best friend" have to do with where she is now? Did her ex-best friend get in trouble doing the same thing? If this is an introduction, then they'll probably answered, though.

Sorry, that's a lot of nitpicking. But I hope it helps. This is a very interesting story and I hope you continue with it.
Keep writing!
~Lauryn

Hello! This was a great read, I'm very interested in seeing where this will go.

Here are some nitpicks:

She had killed for this spot. She wasn’t letting it go.

I'm curious about this line, do you mean that she had gone through a lot of trouble to get the parking spot? Or do you mean that she had gone through a lot of trouble to be where she was and at the status she was at? Try to explain more. Like, if it's the parking spot, talk about how she had sped past a line of impatient drivers by driving on the shoulder or something.

This was her last year of high school. She knew she wouldn’t be spending it locked up.

Again, I'm confused by this, does she not want to be tied down by friends? What exactly do you mean by this?

She pushed open the door and was instantly greeted by cool air. Thank god, she thought, Miami is way too hot.

Italicize thoughts

Then again, Victoria hears Taryn scream, heard her call Victoria for help.

I'm guessing that's what you meant to say

Victoria shook her head slightly, pushing all thoughts of her ex-best friend from her mind.

Try to refrain from using the phrase "ex-best friend" a lot. It's not a very common phrase and it disrupts the flow of your story by making it sound childish. Try to say "pushing all thoughts of the girl that used to be her best friend from her mind." (or something like that)

“Thank you.” Victoria said politely and grabbed her suitcases. She exited the office and began to head to her dorm, passing through the circle of buildings.

I didn't realize that she was outside and first and was confused, maybe it's because I'm used to offices being inside of buildings with other rooms maybe you should say "She exited the office, putting her sunglasses back on, and began to head to her dorm,"

S

he made her way past the throngs of Louis Vuitton toting girls, as she eyed the boys playing football in the quad.

Victoria pushed the door to The Cooper Dorm open and climbed the stairs,

She pushed open the door to room twenty-four and was instantly greeted with Katy Perry’s ‘teenage dream.’

Repetition of "pushing the door open." Try to use a different word to explain how she opened the doors.

“Excuse me?” Victoria called over the music, “can you turn that down? I want to keep my sanity.” The girl turned around and pushed her dark red hair back from her dark green eyes.

Along with the repetition of "turn" as Torigirl mentioned, there is also a repetition of the word "dark" which slightly reminds me of a scary story I used to read when I was little "in a dark forest, there was a dark house, which had a dark room, and in that dark room was a dark chest." Try to use different ways of describing things and avoid repetition.

“Serena Taylor.” Victoria said blithely as she opened a suitcase. Emily looked exactly like the old Victoria Tanner.

I'm confused by this, I thought she was impersonating Serena Taylor...it would make more sense if she were saying that she looked like the girl that she was impersonating since you said "the old [one]" unless you're saying that she looks like the old version of herself...if so i hope that you go into this later. Or at least say "Emily looked exactly how the old Victoria Tanner used to look."

“Nice to meet you.” Emily said. Victoria rolled her eyes and removed her sunglasses, revealing her bright, blue, color contacted eyes.

Why did she roll her eyes? Explain what her feelings are at the moment so that the reader can feel a bit more in the loop.

All in all, I really like your story and am intrigued by the plot...but I think you need to work on character building a bit more. I know that you're trying to keep it a mystery until later, but at least give us a feel of what kind of person Victoria is. At this point, I get the feeling that she may be a spoiled brat, but I really think she needs some more depth to her. Even if you show the reader what facial expressions (besides rolling her eyes) that she has, the reader will be able to understand what kind of person she is more by understanding her emotions through her facial expressions.

What I'd love to see you work on is a bit more description. What does the office look like? What does her dorm look like? The courtyard of the academy? Make the reader feel like they are there by painting the picture for them.

Great job, and keep writing!
-Once