A Dog's Days

I noticed a lot of grim writing, not only on this site but as a pattern in a lot of writing. We humans spend too much time on the dark side of our minds. My dog inspired me with this one, as she welcomed me whole-heartedly into her enlightened world. Please review, and I'll return the favor. And of course, if you like it, remember to press the amazing LIKE button!!!


Hello, stranger, we'll be friends,
Come walk the beaten path with me.
Come find the world's sweet secrets and
Enjoy its perfect beauty.

Let's chase the sun and taste its rays
On open tongues and glinting eyes.
On this enchanted afternoon,
This place a chamber of surprise.

Let branches stroke your fur
And forest spirits be our friends
And watch as hours fly away,
The magic as time bends.

Close your eyes for you see the world as dark,
When sunlight fills us to the brim.
Use heart not mind to find your way
And this realm becomes less dim.

Now watch the sunlight wane and wax,
The clouds like flocks of sheep that graze
The swaying, sloping mountainsides
And enjoy the peace of a dog's days.

This is cool! I can tell that a companion of the canine sort inspired this.

I would like to see this pulled apart into stanzas, to make it a little less chunky. I also think it would flow together a little more appropriately this way, because right now there are a few little places where I got tangled up. I think the beginning is great, but after that there are (like I said) a couple spots where it just falls apart.

The line "Close your eyes for you see the world as dark" doesn't sit well with me. I think it is the rhythm of it sure, and certainly the fact that it seems incongruous with the rest of your poem. It's difficult to understand, and it undermines the straightforward, uncompromising tone that you have kept before this.

I also don't really like that you have "On...and glinting eyes." Maybe you could use "with" instead? Especially considering that "on" also precedes your next line, it sort of diminishes the impact of it.

One last thing that I found troubling was the end. You seem to stumble downward, and the last line -almost- rhymes, a sure sign of a hurried ending. It sort of loses its cohesiveness here, and you just brush past your content instead of exploring it more fully. I don't mean that you should expand too much and change your tone, but perhaps try to be more consistant throughout.

Otherwise, I really did enjoy this! Great work!

I like the rhyming pattern and the mood you create here. Some of the rhyming seems a little forced, though, and doesn't flow as well.

On this enchanted afternoon,
This place a chamber of surprise.

I think you meant "is a" here instead of "a". When you say "chamber" I thought it didn't really fit in with the poem because you use lots of nature scenes and then suddenly put in "chamber" which I think of as a confining place.
I really like all the different nature describtions. They really help create a nice, pleasant mood.
Good job!

This was fun to read!

I liked that it was upbeat and happy. I am another one of those writers who writes a lot of dark, heavy material, but your comments were so true.
Not many people enjoy writing "happy". It's easier to write anything but. I like how you wrote something on the other end of the spectrum.

I didn't find any grammer errors, or such.

Good work!

Happy poems/stories = yay! [Even though everything I write is dark, I liked your happy poem.]

- RedRaven

RedRaven wrote:This was fun to read!

I liked that it was upbeat and happy. I am another one of those writers who writes a lot of dark, heavy material, but your comments were so true.
Not many people enjoy writing "happy". It's easier to write anything but. I like how you wrote something on the other end of the spectrum.

I didn't find any grammer errors, or such.

Good work!

Happy poems/stories = yay! [Even though everything I write is dark, I liked your happy poem.]

- RedRaven

I agree with RedRaven. I really liked this poem. Keep writing.

Good luck,

Kikialicia31.

Hello! I really like this. It has a lazy day, summertime feel to it. The imagery was wonderful. It was bright and bubbly, happy. I did not find any grammar issues or spelling errors. So good job there! Also, I loved the first stanza. It is open and welcomes the reader. I also liked the length of each stanza. It was easy to read, being that it was not so chunky as others. In short, this was a well written, bright poem. Hope to read more!
~Ballerina

this reminds me of the long summer walks I've enjoyed with my pet hamster "hammy" but now hes dead... thanks a bunch...i almost had it out of my mind