Time Continues On

Footsteps in the sand fade away,
as night will always dwindle into day,
for bodies, once so alive, will decay,
and life will forever shrivel into death,
but Time continues on.

Feelings of love grow ice-crystal cold.
Logic freezing the mind, uncontrolled
it shatters the glad memories of old.
Piece by piece they surely melt
because Time continues on.

Dreams blaze, only messages half-remembered.
The letters flaring dimly, dying embers
now singed with the words, “Return to sender.”
Will the note ever rekindle,
when Time continues on?

Living life through all this unfading pain,
rejoicing, knowing that hurt is only ever frozen in frames,
is what makes everyone reach out and touch the licking flames.
As if masochists, everyone is grateful that
Time continues on.

(Hopefully, the rhyming doesn't sound too forced. ) * EDITED 4th time.

I like the topic and title of this poem. It's a very poetic thing to write about.

Living life through all this seemingly endless unfading pain,
Rejoicing, knowing that hurt is only ever frozen in frames,
Is what makes everyone reach out and touch the licking flames,
As if masochists, everyone is grateful that
Time continues on.

The whole "seemingly endless unfading pain" thing is a little long there. Maybe you could pick either "endless" or "unfading" and just go with that. Or reword that part, but that's just a suggestion.
Good job, though! Also, I love how you repeat "time continues on" at the end of each stanza.

Awesome! Thanks for the review! And I thought it was a little too long, but I wasn't too sure. Thank you again!

I like this poem, a lot! I like the first and third stanzas the best. I like that the first staza talks about life will end and yet time will never. I do think there are one or two things you might consider changing...

Feelings of love grow ice cold,< I think you should take out crystal, it reads better without it...>
Logic freezing the mind, uncontrolled
They shatter, the glad memories of old,
Piece by piece they surely melt
Because Time continues on.

And maybe think about capitalization and puntcuation...

~Rain~

Hey Squidikle

Light_Devil! wrote:Hopefully, the rhyming doesn't sound too forced.

It does a bit, but that can't be helped, considering the fact that you wrote this to rhyme.

Footsteps in the sand fade away,
As night will always dwindle into day,
For bodies, once so alive, will decay,
And life will forever shrivel into death,
But Time continues on.

I liked this stanza as much as I disliked it. I don't know if the rhyming helps your poem, or makes it harder to read. For some reason I think the poem would read better if only every second rhymed. Or not. I can't make up my mind. It does sound good with the rhyme/rhyme/not rhyme/not rhyme/Time statement, but I can't help but think the traditional rhyme/not rhyme/rhyme/not rhyme would work better. But that's my own opinion, and it'd be hard to implement this suggestion without changing your poem entirely.

Feelings of love grow ice-crystal cold,
Logic freezing the mind, uncontrolled
They shatter, the glad memories of old,
Piece by piece they surely melt
Because Time continues on.

Am confused. How is the mind uncontrolled when it has been frozen with logic? When you freeze something, it's under control. And why do these memories shatter?

Dreams blaze; though are only messages half-remembered,
The letters flaring dimly, dying embers
Now singed with the words, “Return to sender,”
Will the note ever rekindle,
When Time continues on?

I like the cleverness of this - the whole image of letters and dreams and just pure awesomeness.

Living life through all this seemingly unfading pain,
Rrejoicing, knowing that hurt is only ever frozen in frames,
Is is what makes everyone reach out and touch the licking flames,
As as if masochists,. everyone Everyone is grateful that
Time continues on.

I liked the juxtaposing of the fire and the water elements in this stanza. I fixed this last stanza up the way I think the whole poem should be like - when a sentence continues to the next line, it should be uncapitalized because they are the same sentence. But that's only my opinion.

I did like the poem though, it was nice

- jhoijhoi

SilentRain wrote:

Feelings of love grow ice cold,< I think you should take out crystal, it reads better without it...>
Logic freezing the mind, uncontrolled
They shatter, the glad memories of old,
Piece by piece they surely melt
Because Time continues on.

And maybe think about capitalization and puntcuation...

Ha! Thanks for the comment, but the point of the stanza is to get you to imagine the process. Ice-crystal - frozen, shattering like glass and then melting into a puddle, a shadow of the beauty it once was. The full cycle. Thank you again for your opinion. Also! - what about the punctuation and capitalisation do you think I could fix up?

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.

seeminglymeaningless wrote:Hey Squidikle

Light_Devil! wrote:Hopefully, the rhyming doesn't sound too forced.

It does a bit, but that can't be helped, considering the fact that you wrote this to rhyme.

*Cuffs you over the head* You're a silly panda! What's the point of mentioning something I can't change!

seeminglymeaningless wrote:

Footsteps in the sand fade away,
As night will always dwindle into day,
For bodies, once so alive, will decay,
And life will forever shrivel into death,
But Time continues on.

I liked this stanza as much as I disliked it. I don't know if the rhyming helps your poem, or makes it harder to read. For some reason I think the poem would read better if only every second rhymed. Or not. I can't make up my mind. It does sound good with the rhyme/rhyme/not rhyme/not rhyme/Time statement, but I can't help but think the traditional rhyme/not rhyme/rhyme/not rhyme would work better. But that's my own opinion, and it'd be hard to implement this suggestion without changing your poem entirely.

*Hits you again* Tell me when this review will start helping!

seeminglymeaningless wrote:

Feelings of love grow ice-crystal cold,
Logic freezing the mind, uncontrolled
They shatter, the glad memories of old,
Piece by piece they surely melt
Because Time continues on.

Am confused. How is the mind uncontrolled when it has been frozen with logic? When you freeze something, it's under control. And why do these memories shatter?

Ahh, perhaps I should replace the word "mind" with "soul". The logic (uncontrolled, because it is not wanted) freezes real emotion, and after such a long time untended they break.

seeminglymeaningless wrote:

Dreams blaze; though are only messages half-remembered,
The letters flaring dimly, dying embers
Now singed with the words, “Return to sender,”
Will the note ever rekindle,
When Time continues on?

I like the cleverness of this - the whole image of letters and dreams and just pure awesomeness.

*Awesome face* Yeah, I thought so.

seeminglymeaningless wrote:

Living life through all this seemingly unfading pain,
Rrejoicing, knowing that hurt is only ever frozen in frames,
Is is what makes everyone reach out and touch the licking flames,
As as if masochists,. everyone Everyone is grateful that
Time continues on.

I liked the juxtaposing of the fire and the water elements in this stanza. I fixed this last stanza up the way I think the whole poem should be like - when a sentence continues to the next line, it should be uncapitalized because they are the same sentence. But that's only my opinion.

I did like the poem though, it was nice

Okay, it was actually the same sentence. The whole meaning of the poem escaped, you didn't it? I hoped it wasn't too abstract, but alas, it must've been. Anyway, the preferred reading is actually like... very complicated. It was written in such a way that everything related to each other. If you want to know precisely what the poem was about PM me or MSN me.

Anyway, thanks for the review, I will take everything you said into account and edit!

Have A Nice Day (You panda-man),
Azrael.