Case File #5: The x Residence Day 1 (Part 1)

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1544
Reviews 169
Before you ask, no there is no Case Files #1-4.

The X’s Residence
Case #5
Date: 5-10-04

Day 1, 12:06pm

The Miller’s house was a large, white Victorian-style house with a wrap-around porch built in the countryside of New England. For fear that Mr. X would lose his job if this got out, they have asked that we keep their identity and location secret. Mrs. X kindly showed me into her living room, and left to finish making the coffee. I sat on an upholstered couch, with flower designs. At first glance of their living room I notice the X’s were people who enjoyed a nice and ordered life. Across from me, their tv, possibly made in the late 1980's, was set on a perfectly dusted stand, in what I guessed, was the exact middle of the wall. A bookcase located to the right of the tv, was filled completely with books, and not one of them was sticking out farther than another. I also noticed that their maple wood floor, looked cleanly swept, not a single trace of dirt or dust on it, which I found interesting for people who lived out in the country. Mrs. X returned, setting a silver tray with two steaming cups of coffee on it, down on the table in front of couch.

“So, what kind of activity are you having,” I asked her, pulling out my notepad.

I watched as Mrs. X reached out to grab the other cup, her hands were shaking violently. She took a small sip, nearly spilling the hot liquid on herself, and said, “W-well, the activity started not soon after we moved in five years ago. At the time it was simply some small things being moved around. Books sliding off the bookshelf, glasses sliding across the table, that sort of thing. After a while we got used to it, even to the point we could ignore it completely. Then, about three years ago, my husband and I started seeing apparitions.”

“Can you describe these apparitions to me?” I asked her, writing down notes on what she said.

She nodded. She described one of them as a tall man, about six feet tall, wearing a black suit, and the other was a small female, standing about five feet tall, possibly a child between the ages of thirteen and sixteen wearing a white dress. As she described them, I made a quick sketch on my notepad based on her description.

“Did they look something like this?” I asked her, passing her the notepad.

“Y-y-yes,” she replies, handing it back to me.

“Has there been anything else happening here?”

“Yes, and it’s why I called you here.” She set her coffee back on the table and folded her violently shaking hands in her lap. She took a deep breath, and with a shaking voice, continued, “Last year, my husband decided to remodel the house. We repainted, added the porch, and fixed the wiring, but when we went to knock down the wall to add room to our dining room, the spirit, or whatever it is, went crazy. Suddenly, I was pushed to the floor. I asked my husband if he did, but he said no. So, thinking it was just me being clumsy, we went back to work. Next thing I know, one of the hammers setting on the table nearly hitting me. I remember looking at the wall where it struck and saw a hole.”

“And after that did you still knock down the wall?”

“No, I was too afraid. My husband just patched up the hole and we moved on. But in the next couple of months, more activity started up. Soon, I couldn’t go a week without something being thrown at me by an unseen hand. Eventually it came to the point, we felt like we should move, but we didn’t want to spend the money to do it, so we called you.”

I tapped my pencil against my chin in thought. What was going on here was serious business. The first four case were disappointing. Everything very simple to explain, but this was different. Objects moving around on their own, apparitions, and items being thrown.

“Do you mind if we set up some cameras, walk around, and see if we can catch anything?” I asked her.

“When could you do that?” she asked almost desperately.

“Tonight if you don’t mind. I have two people waiting out in my truck, they can come in and set up immediately and we can perform an investigation later tonight.”

Mrs. X simply nodded. After leaving me with a key to lock up after we were done, she left for a family member’s house, leaving me and my team to perform our investigation.
Last edited by Lethero on Thu Aug 19, 2010 1:13 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1735
Reviews 14
I'm such a sucker for things with these sorts of titles. Case File, Case Study, Evaluation...triggers my intrigue. :)

To that end, I kind of like retaining "Case File #5" as the official title of the continued piece. Unless, of course, the story goes outside of this particular case.

Anyway, I'd use my word from before the describe the atmosphere of this whole excerpt: intrigue. You have the potential for a completely fascinating and original POV coming out of your main character. My favorite parts were his sort of scientific ambivalence to the descriptions of the apparitions-- it elevated the piece from "ghost story" to something with obvious depth coming from a completely different direction. I love that you had the descriptions of the apparitions come from his own words, and they were so analytical-- height, possible age, clothes. Very interesting. I think that would be your best angle as you continue the story (that is, focusing on this character's attitude towards his work and the supernatural) as well as the descriptions of the supernatural itself. People love a good ghost, yeah? :D

The piece could definitely stylistically benefit from a good read-aloud. It will help you catch awkward sentences and especially comma placements. Sentences like, "Mrs. X returned, setting a silver tray with two steaming cups of coffee on it, down on the table in front of couch." can be reorganized so that it's directly clear what's going on without multiple subjects and actions floating around unattended.

Also, I was frustrated at the beginning with such a block-paragraph introduction. Because those first two paragraphs were so dense, I expected the rest of the piece to be and wasn't as encouraged to continue. As it turned out, I was pleasantly surprised by the dialogue and pace. Maybe you could find a way to begin with a snippet of dialogue and sprinkle those setting details all throughout the piece, rather than dumping them at the beginning?

Thanks for the read! I really liked it.
"We'd live under the sun and talk so fast."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14688
Reviews 193
Hey Leth *waves*

Normally mystery/ghost stories like this aren't really my thing but I kind of liked this...

Alright, first of all if this is a case file I thought it would be a bit rigid, this reads like a diary but I do like the way it reads like a diary, yet it has the details that would normally be found in a case file.

“So, what kind of activity are you having,” I asked her, pulling out my notepad.
I doubt this would be found in a case file, instead perhaps you could just say 'I asked her about the activity she had been experiencing' or something to that effect.

I think you captured most of your characters perfectly, although I didn't really get that much of a feel for your MC. The conflict also didn't really pull me in that much, I think you could have done something like get the ghost (if there is one) to do something during the interrogation, maybe to capture the readers attention.

Oh, and where are Case File #1-4 :P

Anger :D
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

Anton Chekov



Can anyone find results on how to glue yourself to the ceiling?
— JazzElectrobass